This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[Amethyst68]

Have your feelings returned for your husband?

 

What about telling him now you say you are no longer in the fog?

[DKT3]

She said pretty early on that she is confident her husband would walk away if she confessed...which asks the question why do it knowing this?

 

Of course the danger is him finding out in another way, so confident is a wayward spouse. Yet most BS here were not told by the wayward spouse.

[pepperbird]

I understand the consequences and have a long road ahead. I am refocused on my family.

 

 

This is good yo read, as it sounds like you are starting to "defog".

 

 

This can be a hard process for you too. Be kind and patient with yourself and remember, it does no one any good to drown in self loathing. Yes, you made some poor choices, but that doesn't mean you have to be ruled by them.

 

 

 

Pretend you have a magic wand (I'm actually stealing this advice from an episode of "King of the Hill" ) that will make your future whatever you want it to be. What would you change about yourself (only going forward) and your life? Since you don't have that wand for real, what steps do you need to take to reach that goal?

[stillafool]

Have your feelings returned for your husband?

 

 

Of course not but since MM isn't going to leave she will stay with her husband because having A man is better than no man at all.

[Naivewomen]

@still a fool. I need no one. I havent returned to intimacy with my spouse because I need a man!!!! I want it to be with real feelings and emotions and I am working hard to regain it. I have been with my H for 27 years he deserves me trying with NO Man in tow. I have set a timeline for the end of the year. If we dont sync back as partners we will go our separate ways. My H knows this too. Changes have been happening from both of us!!

@pepper bird. You are truly an inspiration. You are what it means to be on LS. A person genuinely concerned with helping others. All these others bashers will remain stuck in bashing others to self soothe their own personal traumas. Which by the way they have never overcome. A shame. I ask how did they grow as people??? They are here to self sabotage a person who clearly is at their ultimate lowest point in life. Way to go fellow posters. Hope u are proud of yourselves!!!

[oldtruck]

For most it takes at least one year to detox for one's AP.

Until you break the addition to your OM your feelings for your

BH will not return.

 

Also refusing your BH sex prevents you from bonding back

with your BH.

[pepperbird]

Also refusing your BH sex prevents you from bonding back

with your BH.

 

 

This is looking at the situation from a male's perspective. For women, sex without an emotional connection is hollow. If the OP can rebuild that emotional connection through spending time with her husband, doing things they both enjoy and in a sens e"finding" the man she fell in love with and married, then the physical intimacy will be truly bonding.

 

 

Otherwise, she may well just end up feeling far worse.

[elaine567]

@still a fool. I need no one. I havent returned to intimacy with my spouse because I need a man!!!! I want it to be with real feelings and emotions and I am working hard to regain it. I have been with my H for 27 years he deserves me trying with NO Man in tow. I have set a timeline for the end of the year. If we dont sync back as partners we will go our separate ways. My H knows this too. Changes have been happening from both of us!!

Ok but I thought your husband doesn't know about the affair.

Why does he think the sex is absent?

Is he still going to be around at the end of the year?

[DKT3]

Pepper bird the problem is she isnt married to a woman so she has to at some point empathize with his position.

 

I believe OP has good intentions in her mind and through her words but her actions dont match. No matter how many times she tells us or herself, until her actions match she is really wasting time and likely blowing her opportunity.

 

NW, lashing out at us for telling you want we see from what your saying is really a continuation of a pattern I've seen fron you here, that is blaming others for positioning you've created. I've followed your journey fron the start and I've seen you get alot of support and very little bashing. Not wanting to hear what other think that doesn't align with what you think we should think doesn't constitute bashing. Like I often say it's hard to sell snake oil in a room full of snake oil salesmen. Most of us having traveled this road on one of 5he three points on the infidelity triangle understand words vs actions. And I stand by my statement that you are all words.

[DKT3]

Why does he think the sex is absent?

 

I strongly believe her husband is having sex. Several years of rarely having sex doesn't work for most men. Most will find other sources.

 

It reminds me of a joke were the wife says your cut off and the husband replied how can you do that? You dont know where I'm getting it from.

[stillafool]

I bet he's having sex also but NW has been so wrapped up in OM she hasn't noticed or didn't care. 3 years no sex - I don't think so.

[Amethyst68]

You keep mentioning your husband need to make changes to meet your needs but you refuse to tell him the truth. The problem is the pair of you are working on the same playing field. How is he ever going to succeed when he doesn't actually know the true odds and also the players.

 

 

How do you explain the lack of intimacy and the disconnect in general without blaming or even implying it's his fault? IMO you're expecting your husband to do most of the work while you get over MM, the opponent he doesn't even know about!

 

 

Have you stopped blaming your husband for not recognising your needs or your discontent and somehow drawing you back out of the affair. You mentioned you did this in one of your posts and I'm curious if you can now see how wrong that was.

[Aloha123]

OP, are you really "refusing/denying your husband sex" or are you just mutually disinterested in having sex with each other? Did you have a good sex life before the affair?

[mark clemson]

They are here to self sabotage a person who clearly is at their ultimate lowest point in life. Way to go fellow posters. Hope u are proud of yourselves!!!

 

 

You sure about this? Different people think in very different ways, and if advice doesn't fit you always have the option to ignore it.

 

Imagine if you asked a Vegan for help planning your Thanksgiving dinner. The advice you get probably would be far from what you'd expect. You'd also likely get a lot of proselytizing that you might not appreciate too much. That doesn't mean they're trying to sabotage you, their "help" just comes from a very different mindset.

 

I'm sure you're right that there are some posters with real ill-intent because there will be a few people with anti-social tendencies or other weird, messed up issues in any large group. But I think a lot of what's you get isn't actually that. It's often more a tough-love approach or simply a very different mindset.

 

Really I think the best course it to try to recognize where some folks are coming from and ignore advice if it really is bashing or just not what you need.

[pepperbird]

Pepper bird the problem is she isnt married to a woman so she has to at some point empathize with his position.

 

 

 

If this was a garden variety " sexless marriage" situation, I would agree.

The point was made that , "Also refusing your BH sex prevents you from bonding back with your BH."

If she forces herself to have sex with him when she is ambivalent, it can well prevent her from bonding with him at all. remember, many women need to feel an emotional connection with someone for intimacy to be bonding for them.

 

 

OP, gently, this is part of why so many advocate for disclosure. It's so hard to repair the damage alone. I know that's not the path you have chosen, so I will try and advise you in the one that you have.

[DKT3]

I got what you are saying pepper, but my point is, she may feel she is Bonding with him but Bonding requires both, her unwillingness to have a physical relationship for pretty much 3-5 years and continuing to do so is more likely pushing her husband farther away. I dont feel she has a gauge on his feelings, I mean she believes she has carried out a 5 year affair and thinks he is clueless (very unlikely) she believes he has gone with very little to no sex for 5 years (even more unlikely)

 

Maybe some of the old timers here can help me remember. A couple years ago we had a young lady who was having an affair with a close family friend, actually it was 5he husband of her husband's best friend from high school (female friend) . The affair was going on some 6 or 7 years and she thought much of the way that naive thinks. When she started posting everyone was pointing out to her that her husband and her APs wife had an inappropriately close relationship. She was incredulous and couldn't understand why everyone one here and many in her town believed that. She was too wrapped up in her affair she didn't realize that her husband and APs wife figured out the affair almost from the beginning and said to hell with them and started their own. I dont know what happened from there because she stopped posting.

[Naivewomen]

DKT3. My H is definitely not having sex with anyone. I'm sure its masturbation and porn. He doesnt have it in him to cheat. I know and trust the love he has for me. I have told him about the emotional intimacy for awhile now and bought him several books. I have explained at great lengths how I women needs to feel from her spouse. It's not that he doesnt want too it's just he doesn't know how too. Hes an introverted guy. He hides his feelings and emotions and keeps it all internal.

 

Pepper bird is exactly right. My way to rebond is not through sex. I need the emotional connection and then that falls into place. We did go away last weekend and I have been more attentive. We have now begun watching movies together again. I find myself being able to communicate better than before. I led the marriage and truly became exhausted. Felt like he was more like a child then my partner. I still have to lead eventhough I ask him to take any initiative anywhere with our responsibilities but it's a work in progress.

 

Also DKT3 not sure how you can have such a STRONG opinion with regards to my situation. You have followed my journey. You describe what I post as just words that dont follow any actions. Do u have a webcam in my home?? You dont seem to know a thing about me but your strong opinion of me is not really helpful to the pain amd hurting I caused everyone. But again DK thanks anyway!!! I have gone back on many threads on this forum since 2007, I'm sure u wont be alarmed to know you are not a fan favorite in my OPINION.

[Naivewomen]

@Amethyst. Yes we had a great sex life before the affair. Being with another man ruined the sexual intimacy at home

I have not been with many men and felt like once i gave myself to another meant I had to end my marriage. I couldn't be with two people so I became emotionally attached to the wrong man. I know all about my mistakes but at the time MM was filling all voids. So I continued wripping my marriage to shreds. I denied my spouse intimacy until he stopped asking. I was even enjoying it anymore. So it has not been three years more like months. I'm not ready yet. I want the emotional connection first so it will be stronger than before.

[DKT3]

You say you trust his love for you not to cheat.....wouldn't he say the same? Would he be correct? So why are you so sure you are?

 

As I told pepper, I get women bond emotionally. Unfortunately most men dont, physicality is how men bond. So while you may feel you are Bonding, does he?

 

Fan favorite? Not looking for that. But I will say this, alot of women in your situation have come back and told me I challenged them to dig deeper, maybe they didnt want to hear it, maybe it was too early in the process but they eventually got my intent.

 

You are still not being honest, you are still too focused on what he needs to do to make you happy. It's all disingenuous. So no, I don't think your actions match your words. You are looking for him to fix what you broke, and wanting him to do so while you are grieving for another man.

 

The time for that attitude was before you started sleeping with another man, now? Now its different. Now you owe it to him to fix you, and figure out how to make him happy.

 

Earlier in this thread you stated you hadn't had sex with the husband in a year, and rarely in the last three and you didn't enjoy it.

Edited March 2, 2019 by DKT3

[Naivewomen]

@mark

Thank you!! I will do just that!! I appreciate your kind words.

[Amethyst68]

Hi Naivewomen, just wanted to say that was not my post you replied to, it was Aloha's.

[Naivewomen]

Sorry Amethyst. Message above for aloha!!

[Aloha123]

I bet he's having sex also but NW has been so wrapped up in OM she hasn't noticed or didn't care. 3 years no sex - I don't think so.

 

I was actually the one who had not had sex with my husband in the 3 years leading up to the affair, not the OP of this thread. And I would bet my life that he is not also having an affair. Believe me, I actually wish that he was! It would address some of my guilt, and make me more at peace with leaving the marriage if I knew he had somebody else.

 

He is the most honest, upstanding person you will ever meet. The biggest rule follower -- the other week when he realized I had not put up the tray table when our plane was landing, he literally looked at me like I had killed somebody! While he trusts me and would be completely blindsighted by my affair, he would not be completely shocked, since he knows I am much less honest than him generally, not to mention more selfish. So the notion that "he trusts me" even though I am actually having an affair must how some prove that my trust in him must also be unreliable or misplaced, I actually don't agree with in my instance.

 

He is least sexual man I have been with, and is the least turned on by me than any other man I have been with (both before him and after him with the mm). He was a virgin when we met at age 25, and I am the only woman he has ever had sex with -- even though we were broken up for 5 years! And he would have had no incentive to lie to me about that time period. One time when I tried to have sex with him when we were broken up, he is so virtuous that he literally refused to because we were no longer dating and that was not right! His "goody-goodiness" is almost unparalleled. But it's something he takes great pride in and is completely core to his entire identity. He tries very hard to be as "perfect" as possible.

 

)As an aside, I have sometime wondered whether he is gay, though he would never admit it to himself, and even that would be too "sexual" for him. He is more asexual than anything, almost asperger-like. I have seen 2 other women on this forum who rarely had sex with their husbands describe their husbands similarly. I think whatever sex drive he does have, he just satisfies by masturbating).

 

Anyway, what ruined our sex life completely (which at best was pretty rote) after we got married was 2+ years of fertility challenges, which led to us having to have sex "on demand" within hours of ovulation, like it or not. When that period of our lives ended, we used to joke that we would never have sex again, and we were basically not kidding!

 

Once I started having the affair and realized how often my mm had sex, I actually started to ask my husband if he thought it was weird that we never had sex (even though by that point whatever attraction I had left for him was killed off by my intense passion with the mm). And his response was, I think that's completely normal for people who have known each other for over 20 years, I know a lot of sexless marriages etc., you are just imagining that other married couples are having wild passionate sex all the time, etc.

 

I also have a good male friend at work who confided with me that he and his wife of 30 years almost never have sex. And knowing him as well as I do, I really don't think he is seeking sex outside of his marriage either. (and yes, I'm sure he masturbates a lot too!).

 

Anyway, I am just providing this detail to dispute the notion that every man in a sexless marriage is having an affair. And that every woman who thinks this is just a fool who is deluding herself.

 

In fact, I think that most men who have affairs are probably sex addicts who are already having regular sex with their wives and are just looking for variety (eg, the mm I was involved with). Whereas the ones in sexless marriages just have a lower than average sex drive to begin with, which is why they in turn are actually LESS likely to have an affair. (Though I do agree that some men are driven to affairs because their sex life with their wives has diminished, for whatever reason).

 

Now, all of that being said, it sounds like none of this really applies in the OP's case, and the reason for the no sex is definitely on her end. But it just makes the hair stand up on my neck every time I see on this forum that all men in sexless marriages are having affairs.

Edited March 2, 2019 by Aloha123

[Amethyst68]

Naivewomen, so do you have any thoughts about my questions. I'm talking about intimacy as a whole not just sex. See quote below.

 

 

 

You keep mentioning your husband need to make changes to meet your needs but you refuse to tell him the truth. The problem is the pair of you are working on the same playing field. How is he ever going to succeed when he doesn't actually know the true odds and also the players.

 

 

How do you explain the lack of intimacy and the disconnect in general without blaming or even implying it's his fault? IMO you're expecting your husband to do most of the work while you get over MM, the opponent he doesn't even know about!

 

Have you stopped blaming your husband for not recognising your needs or your discontent and somehow drawing you back out of the affair. You mentioned you did this in one of your posts and I'm curious if you can now see how wrong that was.

 

 

T/J

 

Aloha, I'm not going to dispute what you say about sexless marriages, IMO you never really know what's going on behind closed doors whether that is loads of sex or none. I just wanted to ask - you seem so sure of your husband's character and actions, what would he answer if asked about the likelihood of you having an affair? Would it be the same, that it's something you would never do? Would he be on the infidelity boards claiming it blindsided him because he knew you would never do something like have an affair?

 

 

You simply cannot be that certain your BH is not cheating because you have a fixed perception of him!

[Aloha123]

Aloha, what would he answer if asked about the likelihood of you having an affair? Would it be the same, that it's something you would never do? Would he be on the infidelity boards claiming it blindsided him because he knew you would never do something like that. /QUOTE]

 

Actually, I think he mostly would be surprised that I had managed to find somebody to have an affair with, as I am kind of a shut-in and he thinks i don’t have a life. But no, I think in hindsight he would think it was actually consistent with aspects of my character, such as that I can lie extremely well (even he recognizes and disapproves of this) and he also thinks I am incredibly self centered, not to mention self destructive. And I was, unlike him, very sexually promiscuous from a very early age . Also, my mom cheated on my dad which caused their divorce. So no, I don’t think he would never say never re me having an affair.

Look, I know I’m never gonna convince a bunch of strangers on the internet about what i know with 99.9% certainty to be true. But if you asked anyone who knows us who was more likely to have an affair, the answer would be unequivocally me!

anyway, I actually really wish that you were right, because if he WERE having an affair, it would solve a whole lot of my problems.

Edited March 2, 2019 by Aloha123