This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[El Duendecillo]

I completely changed and even believed my own lies and to why I continued in this affair. It was wrong in everyway!!! And it wasnt love at all!!

 

 

I should have requested that the "tell your H the truth conversation" stop. I will not tell my H about this affair at the moment. I am so super worried that because I changed that I will not be able to love him again. My romantic feelings for him are numb and I am worried. Worried he will not get what he truly deserves. I do want to feel and regain all that I have lost. My H put on our wedding song last night and asked me to dance in the kitchen in front of my two children. I feel the guilt!!!

 

Naive, after following your thread, it seems you are all over the place.

 

Sorry, but I do not think you are in a place at this time to make any rational decisions on your marriage. You seem so mired in guilt, to the point that you have nothing left to offer your BH. But I also have my doubts that you are truly over OM..

 

You claim not to have loved your AP, yet you lost all romantic feelings for your BH and do not know if they will return. 5 years is a long time to be involved in an affair with a man that you did not love, or had deeper feelings for.

 

I applaud your decision to try and reconnect with your BH, but you guilt is holding you back in a huge way.

[pepperbird]

op,

what do you feel is holding you back from truly loving your husband again?

[mark clemson]

@NW - you're welcome.

[Zona]

My H put on our wedding song last night and asked me to dance in the kitchen in front of my two children. I feel the guilt!!!

 

He sure doesn't sound like an uncaring and unromantic man to me.

 

I feel so sorry for your husband. He is that same pitiful naïve slob I was before I found out about my wife's affair, loving a person who had betrayed me and our family in the worst possible way.

 

When he somehow finds out the hard way, the humiliation and emasculation will be unbearable. He will feel like the marriage has been a complete lie. There is a certain emptiness and despair that comes with that which is hard to fathom or even describe unless you experience yourself.

 

Put some money aside to pay for some PTSD counselling for him, he'll likely need it.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but the least could do is make a vow to be honest with him, starting now. The longer you live a lie and keep him in limbo, the worse it will be for him. He did nothing to deserve this.

[JuneL]

I will also note that I don't see a tone of contempt in the majority of NM's posts.

 

But the Freudian slips in the minority of her posts are much more telling. She doesn’t respect her husband as a basic human being.

 

She has no right to give him the option of walking out; he has the right to make the choice.

[mark clemson]

@JuneL - FWIW, I respect your opinion.

[Amethyst68]

I know you don't want to hear it but just wanted to say this - my problem with NW not telling her BH is that she is demanding he make changes to 'repair' the marriage and get back the lost intimacy. This is inferring, or even saying outright, that he has contributed to or caused the disconnect between them. While she may be owning up to some faults there is still a massive imbalance in the expectations of both parties.

 

It's been mentioned before by several posters (including myself) that the BH is fighting a war he doesn't know he is in but NW never seems to address this aspect of the situation and it's inherent unfairness.

[Zona]

I hate to belabor the point, but the night he asked you to dance to your wedding song is a perfect example of why continuing to lie is creating situations that will make the betrayal worse. Once the truth comes out, that will go from a sweet memory for him to a humiliating embarrassment. That he loved a woman that didn't love him and was lying to him and deceiving him and playing him for a fool. He will have 5 years now of those tainted memories to deal with, and they will keep piling up while you continue to keep him in the dark.

[DKT3]

The quote I referenced was made in Lilkatkat's thread on 3 March, it's post 956.

 

 

What you actually said was 'I still pine and crave his voice, touch and etc'.

 

She contradicts herself alot, that is firmly planted in the fact that she isnt being honest with herself.

 

Unfortunately, she doesn't recognize this deep rooted dishonesty is the heart of her problem, as long as she remains dishonest with herself and those around her this chaos will continue to control her life.

[Aloha123]

I think you're right to point out the possibility of an affair. It's always possible. However, I think there are actually plenty of men out there who tolerate sexless marriages. Some will certainly look for something outside the marriage, but as men masturbation is something that many if not most of us do all our lives anyhow. So, I'd bet that for a fair percentage that suffices.

 

 

Agreed. I think it's an insult to the men who don't have a lot of sex in their marriages (for whatever reason) to automatically assume that this would (or even should) drive them to have an affair.

[mark clemson]

Hi, Aloha - As much as I enjoy hearing someone agree with me, that's not something I *fully* believe. I think there ARE men who can deal with that reasonably well. (The husband of GB83 in the other thread being a perfect example.)

 

And there are those who can't tolerate it and may do one of several things, such as insisting, divorcing, getting duty or starfish sex, prostitutes, or in some cases having affairs.

 

Definitely NOT trying to insult anyone. Just see this as a neutral fact. No disrespect intended to those who choose or can tolerate this.

[Naivewomen]

@Mark, in my situation I believe my husband has a low sex drive. He is a type 1 diabetic and I believe this effects his urgency. I'm sure he is not having an affair. He wants nothing more than to make our marriage work. Now that I am out of the affair fog and able to remove my self and look again at my life. I can now see all the things he has never stopped doing for me. He has not stooped trying to be the best husband he knows how too. He never stooped loving me and for this I'm damaged. I put all efforts into another man and scooted my husband away. As far away as possible. I am a broken person and want to fix myself and the damage I have caused him. I have so much work to do and more so since I didnt have a D day. Had I had the D day I would have snapped out of this much much earlier on. I hope one day to come back here and tell everyone that has spent so much time on my story that second chances can happen successfully without coming clean. I'm not sure its possible but if I can put this in a box and store it away I can move forward. I'm sure a normal peaceful happy home is possible.

[mark clemson]

Certainly hope you are able to accomplish this. No one can know the future so you'll always need to be prepared for the possibility of a DDay. That possibility never goes away. FWIW, I think it's good that you're trying to recapture your feelings for your husband. At least now both of you now are trying to make the marriage work, which should make it easier.

[DKT3]

You can remain married, you can even have a good marriage. But there will always be a distance between you and an axe in the air.

[Bittersweetie]

NW, maybe you will someday prove me wrong but I just cannot see how you can have the marriage you want with such a huge lie between you. What you did wasn't an "oopsie," it was a significant betrayal of your marriage. You took away your husband's truth during the affair, and you're still doing it now. And if you're looking to be the case where "second chances can happen successfully without coming clean," realize that you won't reach that goal until your husband dies without knowing.

 

NW, I find myself getting angry with you. I can't fault you for having an affair because I did the same thing. But I am angry that you are continuing to lie to your husband. Like another PP said somewhere in this thread...my H was understandably upset I slept with another man, but what upset him the most were my lies. I'd lie and tell him I wasn't feeling well, when I really went out with MM. I'd lie and tell him my phone was dead, so I didn't have to worry about him calling when I was with MM. I lied and said no when he asked me if I was with another guy. Lie Lie Lie.

 

The lies build and build on each other, and it becomes easier and easier to lie, until one day you no longer can lie. Then the truth comes out and it tastes vile but you keep tasting it and telling it until the other person finally believes you (mostly). But even then the vile taste is still there until one day the taste goes away when all of the truth is out. Like when you are sick and there is nothing left in your stomach. And then, when there is nothing to hide, the weight is light, the sky is clear. And when I look at my husband, I know he is with me because he wants to be, despite our history...not because I manipulated him into staying.

 

You will do what you want NW, and what will come will come. I wish you well. I know my anger with you is really just anger at myself, for the pain I caused someone important to me. It can be easy to project in an anonymous message board, it happens often. I can see that your decision is made so I will end by saying good luck.

[whatcomesnext]

Bittersweetie - I know it’s impossible to know what we would do in a hypothetical situation, but I thought the reason your BS found out the truth was because of a D-Day, not because you on your own decided to tell him? I know you have come a long way since then, and where you are now certainly shapes your current opinion. It sounds like it took years to get over MM, and then to get where you are today, and it was worth it to you. But if the D-Day had not happened do you think you still would have told your BS? I believe you’ve said your MM ghosted you a couple of times. If he had ghosted and never come back ever, but nothing more came out about it independently, would you have told BH? I’m asking out of curiosity, not out of any hostility towards what you have said.

[BaileyB]

After following this discussion, particularly after hearing the story about dancing in the kitchen, I am left with a profound sadness for your husband. He deserves so much more than this... a woman who betrays him in the worst way a woman can betray a man, a wife who has clearly decided to withhold a fundamental truth about his marriage, and a partner who has one foot in and one foot out of the marriage.

 

I’m sorry, but staying with a man and allowing him to believe that you are worthy of the trust and love that he places in you while you decide if you love him and if you see a future together or not is just plain cruel to do to another person...

[Lewhawk]

After following this discussion, particularly after hearing the story about dancing in the kitchen, I am left with a profound sadness for your husband. He deserves so much more than this... a woman who betrays him in the worst way a woman can betray a man, a wife who has clearly decided to withhold a fundamental truth about his marriage, and a partner who has one foot in and one foot out of the marriage.

 

I’m sorry, but staying with a man and allowing him to believe that you are worthy of the trust and love that he places in you while you decide if you love him and if you see a future together or not is just plain cruel to do to another person...

 

Wholeheartedly agree with this, what’s being done to this man is cruel if not downright evil.

[Bittersweetie]

Bittersweetie - I know it’s impossible to know what we would do in a hypothetical situation, but I thought the reason your BS found out the truth was because of a D-Day, not because you on your own decided to tell him? I know you have come a long way since then, and where you are now certainly shapes your current opinion. It sounds like it took years to get over MM, and then to get where you are today, and it was worth it to you. But if the D-Day had not happened do you think you still would have told your BS? I believe you’ve said your MM ghosted you a couple of times. If he had ghosted and never come back ever, but nothing more came out about it independently, would you have told BH? I’m asking out of curiosity, not out of any hostility towards what you have said.

 

Yes, I did have a d-day, confessing was a combination of force (I found out I had an STD) and my own initiative (I could've hidden the doctor appointments, but I decided not to). And the time between my A ending and d-day was about 4-5 months...you must have me confused with someone because it didn't take me years to get over MM. I was done with MM by d-day though I did google him often after d-day, more as an escape from my situation, then actually wanting contact.

 

I thought I would take my A to the grave. MM had ghosted me twice, I was going to move on, and my H would not be any wiser. I remember one moment clearly during those 4-5 months: my H and I were on an international trip. We were having a great time, were sitting in a cool bar in a cool city, having beers. We were laughing and holding hands and I looked at him and thought: What if he knew? What would happen?

 

I imagine if I never told, I'd have many, many more of those kind of moments. Whenever something positive would happen, my mind would probably tell me: would it be the same if he knew? I remember this underlying tension in my life back then, the "will he ever find out" tension that probably wouldn't go away either.

 

So I can't fully speak to whether I would've told if the STD hadn't come out. I will say, I truly believe that I would not have made the profound changes in myself if d-day hadn't happened. Because I had no true accountability or consequences to my actions. I may have reached back out to MM; I may have reached out to someone else. I doubt I would've changed my poor coping skills or other things that held me back.

 

But mostly why I advocate for truth is this: my H made decisions during the time of my A, decisions he said he would've made differently if he knew what I'd been doing. So, I took the truth of his life away from him. And that was a horrible thing to do to someone, maybe even more so than sleeping with another man. NW did it too and she continues to do it. If she said she was going to just divorce, I wouldn't keep asking her about confession. If she said her H is abusive/aggressive/excessively angry I wouldn't keep asking either. In those instances, I can see why someone wouldn't tell.

 

But NW is looking for deep changes in her marriage, her husband, and herself while also withholding the facts and truth from her H. I just can't see how that will work, but maybe that's just me based on my experiences. Like I said, she will do what she feels best, and I wish her luck moving forward.

[Naivewomen]

@BaileyB I'm sorry if you dont understand. I have been with my husband for 27 years not 27 minutes?? My brain was so far up my a$$ in this affair I could not see anything!! I know it sounds ridiculous but I stopped being grateful for everything I have in my life. To justify the affair I continued to find excuses for the guilt. Now that I have been out of the fog more than half of my reasonings were fabricated and make no sense to me. I was at the point, where my husbands chewing annoyed me. Does it bother me now ofcourse not but I couldnt handle the double world. I'm not a MM and i didnt want to compartmentalize my worlds. I wanted internal answers and it took me forever to understand this.. sounds childish I get it. Sounds naive and plain stupid absolutely but it happened and I feel lighter and freer from the bad decisions i made. Trust me he would rather not know because if the shoe was flipped I wouldn't want to know and destroy the past history of all that my family is built on. There once was much happiness. I have to find my way back and then work together to improve it to where it needs to be. It's a slow process but it's worth it.

[Naivewomen]

@bittersweet . Thank you for the well wishes. I understand what you mean about consequences and accountability. I realize most of the changes have to come from myself. I also know what I need from my husband. Maybe you didnt have this forum but the experiences from WW's and BS's have made me see both sides of the marriage. This forum has saved my family I believe. It will never happen again. I'm sure I had horrible coping skills and like i said i work in a mans world. After this experience no man will get near me for as long as I'm married. I know ALL the signs now and I know all of the proper boundaries!! Plus the stress and the pain most definitely shortened by life span by 20 years. Affairs hurt everyone but I couldn't see this a year ago that's for sure. Again, I appreciate everyone sharing their opinions and their experiences with me. I'm extremely grateful!!

[BaileyB]

@BaileyB I'm sorry if you dont understand. I have been with my husband for 27 years not 27 minutes?? My brain was so far up my a$$ in this affair I could not see anything!! I know it sounds ridiculous but I stopped being grateful for everything I have in my life. To justify the affair I continued to find excuses for the guilt. Now that I have been out of the fog more than half of my reasonings were fabricated and make no sense to me. I was at the point, where my husbands chewing annoyed me. Does it bother me now ofcourse not but I couldnt handle the double world. I'm not a MM and i didnt want to compartmentalize my worlds. I wanted internal answers and it took me forever to understand this.. sounds childish I get it. Sounds naive and plain stupid absolutely but it happened and I feel lighter and freer from the bad decisions i made. Trust me he would rather not know because if the shoe was flipped I wouldn't want to know and destroy the past history of all that my family is built on. There once was much happiness. I have to find my way back and then work together to improve it to where it needs to be. It's a slow process but it's worth it.

 

Naivewoman, you don’t have to justify yourself to me. I was just saying, I feel really badly for your husband. I don’t agree with anything you have done but I’m not going to waste my words trying to convince you to do something you clearly have no intention of doing.

 

Further to your comment, it is precisely because you have been married to this man for 27 years that he deserves more from his wife and life partner. I hope you realize that.

Edited March 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

Ultimately not telling is your decision, one you will have to live with. I do believe that even in that decision to not tell you need to be honest with yourself. No part of this has been for the benefit of your husband. Your not telling him has nothing to do with how it will impact him and everything to do with how it impacts you.

 

I asked before and you avoided, I fully expect you will again but I'll ask anyway. Had mm told you he wanted to be together legitimately you would have ended your marriage without much thought of how that would impact your husband and 27 years, so why are you so concerned with him having the truth now that MM doesn't want you legitimately?

[Starswillshine]

My xWH didnt give me the truth. I made life changing decisions without the true knowledge of my marriage. And had I known the truth, I would have not made these decisions.

 

OP, my concern if I was you, was always living a life where this may come out. What if you get 10 years down the road, spending some of your best times of your life, only to be found out and your husband divorces you. Seems like such a waste of these 10 years. I couldnt live in that state of anxiety. But also, I have to control over what I can, so I would need to control this situation and that means controlling DDAY.

 

Anyway, just food for thought.

[Naivewomen]

@Dkt3. Their were numerous times my MM told me he was going home to tell his wife. Whether they were words or not, I still told him not too. When he had a DDay I told him to fix his marriage. I could have easily said leave your home to be with me. Deep in my gut I never wanted him to leave his family for ME. I couldn't live with that on my shoulders. Their are many reasons why I wouldn't have chosen to be with him legitimately. Everytime it came close I myself backpedaled. So deep in my fog I still knew I didnt want the chaos plus I never would have trusted him. So too answer the question it's a solid NO. I fantasized about it but that's all it was (an illusion). To answer another posters question, I do not see this coming out in 10 years from now. I really don't. If i can have a strong solid 10 years with my family intact i will consider myself a very lucky woman.