This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[DKT3]

NW, why are you so unwilling to confess? I know all of the standard responses to that question, I don't want to hurt my family...false, were that really your concern there would have been no affair. It's my burden to carry...false, this affair has deeply impacted your family already you just haven't had to deal with being held accountable for the fallout. I will never do it again....unlikely. while you believe you've learned so much through this experience, the truth is you haven't learned the most important lesson. Accountability, responsibility, empathy, and freedom of choice.

 

You are wearing a mask and expect to have a deeper connection with your husband, but who is he connecting with? These untrue version of you, one where you control the narrative and manipulate him but making unilateral decisions about what kind of marriage and wife he deserves. What would you tell your son if you knew he was married to a woman like you?

[elaine567]

She didn't just forget to buy his mother a birthday present, she cheated for 5 long years...

How on earth will her marriage survive that if she confessed tomorrow?

 

All very well for us to get on high horses.

Confess all, confess all, confess all...

but WE will not have to live with the not inconsiderable fall out from that.

 

I get the need for justice and it can feel good when those that do wrong get severely punished but this is about a family it is about kids, a home and there are lives that are at stake here.

Setting it all alight and razing it to the ground to make US feel good is hardly fair or just.

[heartwhole2]

The problem is that fair and just went out the window when she cheated.

 

I genuinely believe that living authentically is best for OP and her family, even if it results in divorce. I have successfully reconciled after an affair and I would never trade the ability to be completely honest about my life for ignorance.

[BaileyB]

The problem is that fair and just went out the window when she cheated.

 

I genuinely believe that living authentically is best for OP and her family, even if it results in divorce.

 

Bingo! Well said.

 

I have no idea how anyone could ever hope to rebuild a marriage when there is a fundamental truth that is being withheld...

[DKT3]

Elaine, that isn't what it's about. It's about not making unilateral decisions for others. It's about choosing to allow your life partner to make the decision, opening yourself up and being vulnerable. Is there a chance he would end the marriage? Absolutely, honestly it's the most likely outcome. Those are consequences of her actions.

 

Will her children be affected by this? Yep, but they already have been, they just dont know how, or maybe they do. Children are not stupid and often times they see what the BS doesn't or refuses to see.

 

NW herself, on another thread said to a OW why would you want to be with someone who wants someone else, not a direct quote but along those lines. But in her own situation she is making the decision to manipulate her husband into being with her. I asked the question in my pervious post already knowing the answer. She wont confess because she knows her husband will walk, that's all, how it affects her family is secondary to her, it's how it will impact her that is driving the bus. That is why she will fail in her efforts, she will always put her feelings, her needs and desires first. In the end that is what all this is about. That isn't how 6ou create the kind of relationship that eludes so many women posting in this section, that fairytale romcom stuff that they dream of and seek with men outside of their marriages.

 

To get what she wants she has to re roll the dice, she did it when she started her affair and shot craps. Maybe she will again, but eventually if you're doing it the correct way you will find what you're looking for.

[SpiceCat]

Amethyst, thank you for sharing your personal story on this forum. I do understand why you are so angry and I am sorry that this has happened to a good person.

 

I am not asking my H to change one thing. What I want from my marriage is stronger companionship and more laughter. There is nothing fundamental wrong in my marriage other than the fake imagery and walls I put up to justify my actions. I was just swept away slowly. I didnt cheat because I was looking for extra sex. I honestly felt like I fell in love way before anything phsyical. The curiosity and the naiveness to believe that it had a fairytale spin on it was extremely delusional but so powerful. However, it is why I made the decision to stray. It took me a longtime to convince my ownself. I knew I had to break morals, values, and go against my own faith. I went to church often to ask God if he was put before me because this was the one I was supposed to love. I am telling you my mental justifications were completely compromised. I did a number on myself. I had zero support along the way. Fought my way through my extended family that saw the changes in me and my marriage. Just thought it was right because it felt right partially (my selfish side screamed 100% right and the selfless part of me ate away and deteriorated) Honestly, thought he was my soulmate like you read in a book. Naive and gullible but surely can't claim those words anymore now that I have educated myself enough on affairs. I know you believe in honesty as do I and maybe one day I will come forward but it's not today.

 

I'm not religious but I can assure you that if there is a God, S/He is NOT congratulating you on your current choices.

[Naivewomen]

Spice cat, ofcourse I wont be congratulated. I am a Catholic. I went to private school my entire life. I know all well about the sin I committed. I also believe the God I believe in, forgives and loves unconditionally. I have sinned and I'm sure if I continue to proceed on this earth the way I am currently living and never cheat again and continue to do good deeds and love. I believe in my heart God will grant me forgiveness.

 

We are all sinners of God one way or another. You are not exempt Spicecat.

Edited June 11, 2019 by Naivewomen

[SpiceCat]

Spice cat, ofcourse I wont be congratulated. I am a Catholic. I went to private school my entire life. I know all well about the sin I committed. I also believe the God I believe in, forgives and loves unconditionally. I have sinned and I'm sure if I continue to proceed on this earth the way I am currently living and never cheat again and continue to do good deeds and love. I believe in my heart God will grant me forgiveness.

 

We are all sinners of God one way or another. You are not exempt Spicecat.

 

Of course I'm not exempt! I never said I was. I had an affair too - I'm certainly not judging you for that part. The part that's wrong is that you are living a lie, and forcing your family to live a lie. That's the unforgivable part.

 

But according to your own rules, you cannot be forgiven until you actually own up to what you did. You are living a false life and, even worse, you are forcing your husband to live a false life.

 

You have, as of yet, failed to confess your sins. I hope you grow some lady-balls and do the right thing eventually.

 

Best of luck to you.

[SpiceCat]

PS I am agnostic/Jewish, and I confessed and answered all the BW's questions (I was single). I have not fully forgiven myself nor do I believe his wife will or should ever forgive me. But I am 100% certain that I would never have even begun to heal if I kept up the lies like you are.

 

What you're doing is wrong, and you know it. You're forcing your family to live your lie every single day. You continue to hurt them every single day by lying. You continue to hurt YOURSELF every single day. And lastly, if there is a God, you continue to hurt him/her every single day by keeping up your fake life.

[DKT3]

NW - You go girl! Seems it's beat up on OW time around here. I had my share over the weekend.

 

I think if you look closely at who the comments are coming from and the background it might shock you. Many are MW/OW. Bottom line is, they have been there. Not many will say NW is going about this the right way.

 

Lastly she is a MARRIED WOMAN long before OTHER WOMAN, she owes people truth and honesty. She has done things that impact far more then herself. Here in the real world, ones personal happiness isnt the center of the world.

[SpiceCat]

NW - You go girl! Seems it's beat up on OW time around here. I had my share over the weekend.

 

Kat, do you advocate lying to your spouse? Do you advocate lying in general?

 

I'm not beating her up, I'm trying to help her learn from MY mistakes. I was an OW. I made my fair share of terrible choices. But in the end, I did the right thing and now, 3 years later, I am still working on forgiving myself.

 

It seems as if she is not ready to do the right thing yet, but I hope she gets there soon because, right now, she is failing her family and she is failing herself.

 

She's building her marriage on an unstable foundation. The further she builds, the harder the fall will be. The same goes for her faith.

[PhoenixRising8]

I advocate ending affairs as soon as possible. And honesty. Better yet, don't get into one to begin with. NW is out now. How and when she deals with her marriage is her issue. It takes strength and courage to own up to it. She may not be there yet. Its a process. I know, as I'm sure you do, how much it takes to end an affair and recover. And Adotta has cujones. An affair with his step mother no less, happened not once, but twice, the last time not that long ago. I guess the first time wasn't a learning experience. But hey, he confessed to his dad and all is well with them now. Well the step mom and dad aren't married any longer so no surprise there. NW had good reason for her retort.

 

I didn't have an H to confess to and I got lambasted about what I did to the BS at a time this weekend when all I needed was support and encouragement. The one who really needs to think about the BS is the WS. That's the person who made the commitment. Some of us, perhaps naively at first, think if the WS is cheating there is a reason. At least in my case, I believed him when he said he wanted a way out. Silly girl. But I digress. The major reason my A ended is because I couldn't take what he was doing not just to me but to HER. Between Bitter BSs (and they aren't all that way - some are quite empathetic) and the self righteous, this forum doesn't feel like a safe place for support and encouragement IMHO.

 

Edit to ask: you were not a MOW Spicecat, were you? So you had no one to confess to, not something you had to contend with as a single.

Edited June 12, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Starswillshine]

Kat, I do not think people lambasted you over what you did to BS, but rather, people were trying to get you to understand BS is likely not at all the person you were led to believe she was/their marriage was not the way he portrayed. I think understanding this and accepting that everything was smoke and mirrors will help you move on better.

 

I'm a BS and accepting this about my xWH helped me. Because like you, I was trying to figure everything out and process it all. I spent so much energy on it. Once I was finally able to accept it was all lies, nothing was really real, I was able to stop spending so much energy on HIM and on the situation and focus that energy on myself and healing my wounds.

 

In the healing process, I do not see much difference between a BS and an OW. We are all duped.

[PhoenixRising8]

It's been a while since I acknowledged she isn't the bad guy. Sorry I'm not quite over it 5 or 6 weeks out. Encouragement would have been appreciated but whatever.

 

There was a very supportive thread here a couple of years ago "Destabilization Phase". Too bad no such thing exists today. Now reading THAT was helpful.

Edited June 12, 2019 by LilKatKat

[elaine567]

I think understanding this and accepting that everything was smoke and mirrors will help you move on better.

 

Its like any break up, you can choose to wallow in romantic nonsense forever and a day, or you can see it as a relationship that just didn't work out, accept the truth, get a grip and move on with your life, lesson learned.

[Starswillshine]

Kat, I dont want to hijack this much, but I think a lot of people gave you encouragement. I know I did. It isnt a quick and easy process. You specifically asked about certain things... why would he do this or that. Or how. Posters responded to those thoughts you posted.

 

It is going to take time. It is going to hurt like hell. There will be days you will think of only the good times, and the good side of him. Those are the worst. Then you will get angry remembering some of the other things. Then 2 years later, a light bulb will go off again and you will realize something else, and get so angry, you want to pick up the phone and chew him out. But you start to realize, there is no use. He'll only lie some more (even when there is no reason to lie any longer). And that only shows you still might care. So you realize you have grown even more... because those thoughts stop you in your track.

 

Kat, it is all a process. You just got to keep one step in front of the others. When I called my friends reminiscing of the good times, they would remind me how it was just ways to keep me happy and not suspicious. Those are real friends. And while we on this forum do not know each other, we are all bonded by this mess. And I know it does not feel like support, we are supporting you. And encouraging you.

[PhoenixRising8]

I did get encouragement. I also got posts about the BS which I didn't see as encouraging or supportive. It just made me feel worse than I already did. And it was entirely unnecessary.

 

Thank you for your word of encouragement and productive things to consider. It is much appreciated.

[pepperbird]

op,

in the end, it;s your life and you're the one who has to live it. A big part of having a happier life may be really liking the person who you see looking back at you in the mirror each morning.

 

 

 

TBH, I'm not seeing that in your posts. I'm not sure how someone who isn't happy with themselves can make their spouse happy and build a happy home. If this is true for you, what do you need to do to get to a place where you feel good about yourself and your life?

[Naivewomen]

For me pepperbird, it was to acknowledge that I had an addiction problem. I had to acknowledge that I was weak for and compromised by morals and values for another. I am working on strengthening those things but not allowing myself to let other men ever have an opportunity to get too close. Other on here can acknowledge it's a process like any addiction. Its a process to heal and become stronger from the ramifications of this affair so I can find within myself a more loving person. A person that I want to be. Every recovering addict deserves another chance in life. If I am making a firm choice to choose my spouse then I have to fight through alot to get there. My therapist told me that if I believed it would cause more harm and hurt to my family by being honest then selflessly I need to swallow my guilt and shame. My family will not be protected and much too hurt with the knowledge of this affair. They will be traumatized and hurt terribly. For now, this stays with me!!! Many affairs go undisclosed and move on to have a stronger marriage so long as the betrayed recognizes and remains empathetic for their actions. I have not stop reading and coming here to gain further insight to step into the shoes of other BS and see how they feel. I'm empathetic to all of these stories. I do not deserve empathy and I understand productive criticism but I will not tolerate spewed venom my way either!!!

[Orokotikki]

I've been away from this thread several pages for obvious reasons.

Could someone clarify - does the BS know?

[Orokotikki]

I only ask because I fail to see how keeping them in the dark protects the children.

 

Although, I could see how keeping him in the dark steals the chance for the BS to teach the children potentially the most valuable lesson he could.

[Bittersweetie]

NW, could you please describe how you will have an authentic life and also be hiding a secret such as a five year affair? Could you describe how you will be an excellent communicator despite keeping an event so immense from your partner?

 

I can only speak for myself, but what I find frustrating about your situation, NW, is how you cannot even acknowledge that keeping this information from your husband is an issue. Yes, you've made progress...you have moved on from MM. Yes, you say you are no longer justifying the affair. This is yet another piece...even if you are not ready to confess, it's important to at least recognize that keeping an affair secret undermines the foundation of a marriage by giving power to one side in the relationship. To be able to recognize the manipulation of truth in the relationship...it happened during the affair, and it continues to happen, even though the affair is over.

 

My H would tell you that, despite the pain, he is thankful he found out what I did. Because it gave him his truth and he could therefore make future choices of his life based on truth. Isn't that what you would want as a human being? For yourself, for your children? (And yes, I'm a mother.) I've mentioned this before, during my affair my husband made a big career decision. He told me that if he had known what I was doing, he would've made a different choice. I took his truth away from him. And it is confusing to me on why you cannot at least acknowledge that you are doing the same to your husband, regardless of whether you plan on telling him or not.

 

People are trying to help, trying to get you to see different perspectives. I understand that part of the addiction aspect is one has trouble "listening" to other perspectives. But it is part of the healing process. If someone upsets you here, you can just say "Hmmmm" and move on. You can add a user to your Ignore List (under user control panel...then it shows the user posted, but not what it says...I have many from my early days). I'd gently suggest that responding in a defensive manner is the least productive choice for your healing...

 

The choices we made are over and done with. It's what we do moving forward that define us. So then how do you want to be defined?

[pepperbird]

 

You of all people shoukd understand that FOG!! The ones (the BS) could never understand.

 

 

NW,

You know I'm rooting for you, but statements like this could be part of what's holding you back.

 

 

Do you really believe that affairs are somehow all pixie dust and magic that only ow/om could ever understand? That they are different?

 

I admit I don't understand. I've been in long term ( think years) relationships before, some okay, one really abusive. When they ended, it hurt terribly, even the abusive one. I didn't need years or any sort of therapy.

I'm not saying that at a criticism of you in any way. It's more that I'm wondering how much of the hurt you are experiencing is truly because of the affair, and how much is sort of secondary and even tertiary and caused by other, older painful events you have been through. Is it possible to ferret out the affair and deal with that on its own, or is the pain all tied together and if you deal with one source, you end up having to deal with them all?

[pepperbird]

They live a normal happy life. Thankfully, they r not in pain nor suffering in anyway from my affair.

 

 

 

 

That's what my husband thought too. He was wrong.

 

Kids aren't as "unplugged" from the grown up world as parents often think. As the saying goes, "little pitchers have big ears" and they can, and often do, figure these things out.

 

 

 

I had to explain to a six year old what "her husband is scr@wing around behind her back" means. Neither of us told them. They found out all on their own.

[DKT3]

First hand experience. My son was a little guy when his mom had her affair. Even at a really young age he absorbed a lot of things that he didn't understand. Once he got older he began to voice himself about those thing. He took bits that his 6 year old brain took in filled in some gaps with his teenage brain and came up with a story, close to the absolute truth but off somewhat.

 

This idea that your soo good that its undetectable is arrogance driven by selfishness not selflessness.

 

I ask again, if you knew your son was in your husband's position with a woman doing to him what you've done to his father, what would you tell him? Would you still believe its selfless?

 

For the record, I dont for one second think you honestly believe the stuff you're saying, its simply a continuation of you skewed logic that made it ok for you to go down this road to start with.

 

I agree with another poster, I root for you to get it, i just dont think you have enough empathy for other to ever risk your wants, desires or needs.

 

Good luck, nothing to be done here.