This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[Naivewomen]

@aloha. What bothers me with the theory of not telling and resorting to a crappy marriage. I belive that all the MM cheaters out there never tell their wives and live happily ever after because they compartmentalized and put the affair in a tiny box. I want to same option. If they can do it so can we. We must try!! I spoke to a MM that confessed to his wife because of the guilt . He said that was his biggest regret. She has forgiven him but will never forget. He said he should have simply put it in the past and left it there. I want the same option if I cant do it than I will resort to telling him. I need to focus on my life now. I was way too focused and obsessed with MM.

[Aloha123]

@aloha. What bothers me with the theory of not telling and resorting to a crappy marriage. I belive that all the MM cheaters out there never tell their wives and live happily ever after because they compartmentalized and put the affair in a tiny box. I want to same option. If they can do it so can we. We must try!! I spoke to a MM that confessed to his wife because of the guilt . He said that was his biggest regret. She has forgiven him but will never forget. He said he should have simply put it in the past and left it there. I want the same option if I cant do it than I will resort to telling him. I need to focus on my life now. I was way too focused and obsessed with MM.

 

Interesting point! I was actually thinking a somewhat related thing about the responses you get, which is that, if a man is not getting sex in the marriage, well of course, the obvious thing that will happen is for him to run off and have an affair! He'd be a fool not to! Can you blame the poor guy! But when a woman (like me) does the same thing, she is being selfish, rewriting her marital history to justify the affair, etc. There are a lot of double standards when it comes to women cheating vs. men. It's just something we have to tolerate to participate on this forum.

Edited March 2, 2019 by Aloha123

[DKT3]

MM rarely detach from the wife so it's not a case of reconnecting.

 

@aloha it's more about you guys not being open and vulnerable. Telling your husbands means opening yourself up to rejection. It's not really about them, its about how telling them will directly impact you.

[DKT3]

Talk about double standards...whenever a male comes here and blames his wife for his affair he gets pretty much set on fire. Yet 99% of the women do the same and its acceptable. Hmm

[Aloha123]

 

@aloha it's more about you guys not being open and vulnerable. Telling your husbands means opening yourself up to rejection. It's not really about them, its about how telling them will directly impact you.

 

I agree that the desire to not tell is incredibly selfish. No argument from me there.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 it may not be the case for the MM of reconnecting but their marriage is STILL based on the same lies, deception and dishonesty!! Its just easier to put it in the box but the marital promise is forever broken!!!

[DKT3]

It can be difficult to use female logic to the male mind.

 

Affairs for many women is about filling voids, or simply replacing the husband. For most men its purely extra with any willing woman. These guys throw out a net and focus on the fish that swim to them. While women see this amazing bond a once in a lifetime kind of connection, that is totally one sided.

 

On the rare occasion that a man is really emotionally connected with his OW/MW its still doesn't usually impact the way he views his wife. Of course that isn't the story he tells OW/MW because it doesn't work. They cant get what they want if they say I love my wife, our sex life is great and I'm happy with her, but I'm still willing to have sex with you. What she does not know. Be honest, how far would you have progressed in your affair if he was telling you that weekly?

[Aloha123]

Of course that isn't the story he tells OW/MW because it doesn't work. They cant get what they want if they say I love my wife, our sex life is great and I'm happy with her, but I'm still willing to have sex with you. What she does not know. Be honest, how far would you have progressed in your affair if he was telling you that weekly?

 

Raises hand. In my case, almost exactly 2 years!

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3. I didnt raise the question about what was said to the affair partner. What I presented to you was the fact that the MM's marriage is still a farce. If he they truly loved their wives the sex with them would be satisfactory. Out of love you avoid temptation and etc. Their marriages are still based on the same dishonesty lies and deception. Has nothing to do with what was said to the AP while throwing out their nets. My MM told many many lies to keep the affair going. He was caught 1 year ago and continued the affair. Staring at the pain he caused the women he loves and is so connected too. Continued to lie and deceive her to get to me. Continued to love bomb and etc. All while sleeping in the same bed as his wife. Somewhere deep they too have a conscience. He was riddled with deep guilt for her pain but still wants side sex. Not sure that's a solid marriage of connection. Thoughts??

[OpenBook]

Put a little mystery back into your relationship with your H. Look great, be independent and busy. Or role-play, just for fun - both of you dress up as different characters, and act out a scene. Wear a wig. Anything that's DIFFERENT.

 

It's the exact same reason your MM came after you - because he was BORED. Not because he had a lousy marriage. (And I'd be careful about pointing the finger at his marriage. You're in the exact same position he is... just genders reversed. There's lies and deception on both sides. But your respective marriages are so much more than that...)

 

Familiarity breeds contempt.

[pepperbird]

A tactic suggest in therapy when their is a "dead bed" in a marriage

after an affair is just to schedule to have sex every night at a set time

and they must follow that schedule for so many months (I don't

remember how many) and what happens is the H and W forget about

their being a schedule or that the end date has passed and they

still keep going at it because the want to.

 

.

 

 

For a woman who is trying to develop an intimate interest in her husband, this is the absolute worst advice I have ever heard. My guess? A man came up with it.

It's based on the male concept that sex builds intimacy, vs. the need for many women to feel connected before sex is even on the table.

[pepperbird]

op,

Like your husband, I'm an introvert. Being around groups makes me really tired and I can't do it for very long. I'm also not good at verbalizing my thoughts and feelings through speech, and find writing much easier.

Could that be the case for your husband?

An exercise that was suggested to us was to connect with each other each day through writing. We would write notes to each other throughout the day and then exchange them to read through before we went to bed at night.

At first, it was awkward, but it got easier. the notes were never about anything major, just little updates, thoughts and words of appreciation.

 

My husband really appreciated it, and it let him see that I cared a huge amount, even if I wasn't able to freely talk about it. Sometimes, the key is to take conventional wisdom and adapt it to your specific situation.

[DKT3]

Naivewomen

 

What I'm saying is no matter what he said too and did with you his loyalty was always to her, his intentions were always to stay with her. He continued with you because she allowed it. Had she tossed him I'm guessing he would have cut you off then.

 

His actions with you didn't diminish her in his eyes.

 

What the marriage is based on isnt necessarily lies because I'm betting that she knows exactly who her husband is and somewhere along the lines accepted that about him. We know for a fact that she has accepted him sleeping with you, she is still there.

 

At the end of the day his wife has the information and chooses to stay it her decision. That's the difference between thier marriage and yours.

Edited March 2, 2019 by DKT3

[Naivewomen]

DKT3

His wife has no idea it was a pshycial affair. He lied through his teeth and told her we were just friends. She classified it more like an EA. So he promised to cut it off in 2017. She had no idea we were still in the EA and PA for a year more and would have continued indefinitely if she never found out. She still would have never thrown him out and he was sure of that. We both knew neither spouses would leave us and we both took advantage of the situation. His marriage is still based on continued lies and betrayal just like mine. Their was no full disclosure. Loyal or not to his spouse it's still the samething. Loyalty to me is never cheating I guess your definition differs.

[DKT3]

Your loyalty is with MM and not your husband, you stay because its easier then leaving. Not once in all your posts have I heard you say I love my husband, not even the I love him but not in love with him BS. Maybe I missed it.

 

Loyalty is based in intent. You ended the affair, why? Because you wanted more. His intent was to stay with his wife I'm not sure yours were. He was happy having you as a side woman you were unhappy with that.

 

You do realize his story doesn't make sense, he convinced her you were just friends? But he carried on with her knowing? That makes no sense. Are you sure she even knows? Maybe it was something he told you to temper your expectations.

[Bittersweetie]

I spoke to a MM that confessed to his wife because of the guilt . He said that was his biggest regret.

 

Two points.

 

1. You talked about your affair with another MM? What about YOUR boundaries? I know it may seem like "talking with someone who understands" but privately confiding in another man who is not your H about this is highly inappropriate. Please read "Not Just Friends," it's an excellent book about boundaries and friends and marriage.

 

Also, I sincerely hope that this MM you talked with wasn't through PM on this site. I've seen EAs happen on this site, proof being the "I had an EA with another poster" threads that eventually appear.

 

2. This MM tells you that what he regrets is telling his wife and you see that as a positive? WHAT? My d-day was horrible for me and obviously even more traumatic for my H, but I don't regret telling him...I regret having the affair in the first place.

 

Some of these recent posts seem to have the feel of "the MM get away with it, why can't I too?" Sure, if you don't tell you can get away with it, you can rug-sweep, you can move on like it was no big deal. Is that the kind of person you want to be then?

[mark clemson]

NW, if you strongly feel that it's really not best for your situation to tell, then you're probably right. No one on this forum knows your husband.

[onemanband]

give your husband the chance to choose this time

[Naivewomen]

give your husband the chance to choose this time

 

I most certainly WILL!! I dont deserve his love for this I'm certain.

[stillafool]

DKT3

His wife has no idea it was a pshycial affair. He lied through his teeth and told her we were just friends. She classified it more like an EA. So he promised to cut it off in 2017. She had no idea we were still in the EA and PA for a year more and would have continued indefinitely if she never found out. She still would have never thrown him out and he was sure of that. We both knew neither spouses would leave us and we both took advantage of the situation. His marriage is still based on continued lies and betrayal just like mine. Their was no full disclosure. Loyal or not to his spouse it's still the samething. Loyalty to me is never cheating I guess your definition differs.

 

This doesn't even make sense. If he knows his wife would never leave him no matter what why does he have to lie through his teeth about you to her?

[Naivewomen]

Because she asked him to stop and he lied and said he would. But her never stopped. Continued with the affair minus the phone calls from his cell. He had to continue the lie so he could keep both women. Keep me grateful for any crumb he could through my way now after all he was under heavy surveillance now. Keep the wife happy and content at home. A real prize!!

[oldtruck]

@old truck this is exactly what my therapist suggested. She said fake it until you make it. I did loose complete sexual desire because of the affair. I did loose complete attraction. We havent had sex because of my lack of desire. He doesnt push the envelope either because I have rejected him for so long. Hes afraid of further rejection. I truly hope it comes back to some degree.

 

Then you must fake it. Fake it now. Initiate. Do the deep kissing and

heavy petting. Rebuild the desire for him and you.

[oldtruck]

@Junel. I am sure he has I dont blame him either. I threw H a surprise birthday party last week. I am trying to reestablish our connection. I am being more present with him. We need to start dating. Our children are older and we have more freedom now. We can start doing more as a couple. I have told him this as well. I need to start communicating better. I always would lash out and never speak in a loving way. I definitely didnt not know how to communicate my feelings ever!! I am more in touch with my emotional side now because of the affair.

 

You need to have at least two dates a week of quality just the two

of you time. Say one on every Wednesday night and on the weekend.

Flirt, connect, bond, heal.

[elaine567]

@Junel. I am sure he has I dont blame him either. I threw H a surprise birthday party last week. I am trying to reestablish our connection. I am being more present with him. We need to start dating. Our children are older and we have more freedom now. We can start doing more as a couple. I have told him this as well. I need to start communicating better. I always would lash out and never speak in a loving way. I definitely didnt not know how to communicate my feelings ever!! I am more in touch with my emotional side now because of the affair.

Is he interested in the new you?

Is he interested in being a couple again?

[Naivewomen]

Yes Elaine he is. He never stopped loving me. Hes definitely hurt by my actions but he never gave up on me. He buried his head under the sand but never gave up on his love. I am lucky hes still around for the emotional abuse he suffered from.