This affair almost ruined my life!!!

[Timshel]

LOl, lips flapping, or in this case, fingers tapping. You like drama, a lot/bunches OP...but take no responsibility. You seem like a person, we all know the type, who walks in a room, stirs, walks out and says...not little sweet ole me.

 

 

The only way to be authentic and live with yourself is to tell the truth. Any thing else is just another post.

[Naivewomen]

@timshel. Thanks for the words of encouragement. You seem like a bitter betrayed person. You know nothing about me.

 

Many people dont tell their BH partners and have many valid reasons not too!! Its my choice to live with it. Will my marriage have cracks because of the lie no doubt. Can it be loving no doubt!!!

[Bittersweetie]

Naive, I have actually stood in your shoes. I was a married woman who had an affair. The affair ended and I decided not to tell my husband.

 

There are two things that for lack of a better phrase, "rub me the wrong way" about your posts.

 

1. I'm not sure how you believe you can repair your marriage, have it be "loving," with such a huge elephant in the room. Yes, people have reasons for not telling BH but I don't see any valid reasons in yours...just self-protection disguised as "not hurting H." Your affair was not brief or fleeting. It was FIVE YEARS. Can you see how you are continuing to take away your husband's truth by moving forward and not sharing fully your thoughts and actions? How can you expect to have a true loving relationship without honesty and vulnerability? Can you explain the specific steps you will take to create the marriage you want and deserve while continuing to lie? Why are you not extending your path of acting with kindness to giving your husband the gift of his truth?

 

2. Calling others a "bitter betrayed person" is not helping you or your cause, regardless of what they post or say. Honestly BS on this site have helped me immensely in understanding what my husband has gone through and further consequences of my actions. If you come across a post that is not helpful, skip it, move on, or block the poster. Responding by calling them names is not helpful in your journey toward healing, and again, isn't really supporting your path of kindness.

 

When I first joined this site, posters were much, much, MUCH more harsh on WWs and there was very little moderation. I clearly remember a poster calling me a wh*re. Yes, it hurt. Yes, it made me angry. It hurt and made me angry because he was correct. That's when I realized the posts that pissed me off the most were the ones hitting a nerve I needed to examine. Maybe instead of jumping to defensiveness, you should try stepping away for a while and asking why what a random person on the internet said bothered you so much.

 

Maybe you will block me now. You probably think I'm too harsh and maybe you are correct. But if one word of my posts help you in your healing then it is worth it.

[DKT3]

Why exactly are you so opposed to being honest? What do you think is the advantage of not being honest? How will you explain not being honest down the road when it all comes out?

 

I feel really bad for your husband, my wife only changed slightly during her affair but there was a huge shift are she ended it. It drove me crazy, I was stuck know something was off but not knowing what it was and she was making it all about my work travel, my growing distance and subsequent shutting down. Our marriage got worse.

 

Just like having affair, not being honest about it will show up in guilt. The biggest mistake many people make in having affairs and not being honest is believing that they can actually live with it and not have it impact all areas of their lives.

 

It's more difficult now since it appears a lot of threads before the big crash have been archived and I'm not sure how to get to them, but there is a ton of threads with women who were just like you, then 5, 10, 15 and even 20 years later it blow up. All the work and effort that went into rebuilding was gone in a second because they built that beautiful home on landmines one misstep and boom.

[Bittersweetie]

Just wanted to add that after my vow of never telling, I did have a d-day...it was partly forced (I had an STD) and partly me initiating confession (I didn't want to lie anymore). Yes it was horrible and destructive and painful. But after stripping away everything, my H and I worked together toward another marriage. I truly don't think we would be even close to where we are now without full honesty, vulnerability, and humility. Do I wish that we could've gotten to this place without my affair and the aftermath? Heck yes. I regret my choices every single day. But I am thankful for my husband and the fact that we remain together, choosing each other every day, based on honesty and authenticity.

[BaileyB]

Ironically, a terrible story/ending to another's lives. About 20 miles from my home, a husband brutally stabs his wife to death with his 3 beautiful daughters upstairs sleeping and then drives to a nearby bridge and commits suicide. All this because the amazing wife/mother wanted a divorce because of compatibility issues. She is a dedicated women in the community and family members knew her. Everyone said she qlwas a lovely women. The spouse couldnt handle the rejection and this ensued. Divorces are damaging to everyone involved. I'm sure my H could NOT handle the affair..

 

Wow, you are really grasping at straws to find justification to continue to keep your dirty secret. This argument makes about as much sense as the child who tells his parent he should be able to stay up until midnight on a school night because his best friends mother allows them to stay up.

 

It’s not the telling that causes the pain, it is the infidelity and the dishonesty. If you were so concerned about your husbands ability to cope with your infidelity, you should have said “no” when the offer presented itself...

[Timshel]

You are welcome OP.

 

Love Bittersweetie and the poster who called you names was wrong and just an a**.

 

 

There is a tremendous lack of empathy in your posts, OP, which often occurs with women having affairs with married men....yet your posts go beyond the typical selfish fantasy into a place that is I/me/my centered to take note. It wasn't lost on me the use of a murder story either.

 

 

 

As Aliveagain said, it's pages and even though as you said 'It's my choice to live with it,' you are still a liar and leaving your marriage as you see fit.

[JuneL]

“His brain will never process anything other than the sexual nature of the beast!!!”

 

 

You don’t seem to respect your husband as a human being.

[mark clemson]

Possibly you have come to the wrong place for the specific thing you were seeking at this time.

Edited March 10, 2019 by mark clemson

[JuneL]

OP: I’ve probably pointed this out before...you really have to mentally prepare for the possibility that your husband is also having an affair. No man is going to sit still in a sexless marriage waiting for his wife to get over the OM. Since you write in a tone so full of contempt, I fear you might be the one to do something irrational when you find out your husband might not be as under your control as you want to believe.

[elaine567]

Personally I think we may all get over the lack of the "brutal truth" as regards the affair, but the use, misuse and frankly abuse of the poor husband is not right or fair.

I get the monogamous thinking, but keeping the husband on indefinite hold whilst the OP "gets over" the AP is just cruel surely?

 

Let's hope the husband does have an OW, or at least some real friends to share his life with, otherwise it is probably a pretty miserable existence.

[DKT3]

OP: I’ve probably pointed this out before...you really have to mentally prepare for the possibility that your husband is also having an affair. No man is going to sit still in a sexless marriage waiting for his wife to get over the OM. Since you write in a tone so full of contempt, I fear you might be the one to do something irrational when you find out your husband might not be as under your control as you want to believe.

 

It's very difficult for a lot of wayward spouses to get how other may find their spouse sexually attractive since they don't, it's even more difficult to grasp that they aren't as great as they think they are in their spouses eye.

 

Naive cant even fathom the possibility that her husband may be involved with another woman, but honestly the way she describes his behavior it very likely. I'm referring to him being suspicious of her cheating then simply not worrying about it, and have pretty much a sexless marriage for the last five years and absolutely nothing in a year. I would honestly be shocked if he wasn't.

 

She made the comment that she trusted his love for her that he would not cheat, I asked would he say the same about her and she never responded to that part of the post but did to the rest.

 

These are all clear signs that she views herself as superior to her husband, meaning she has a lot more to offer men then he does women, thus making it hard to envision him cheating or having the opportunity to cheat.

[Naivewomen]

@elaine. I really wish and hope he is!! He deserves to have someone living him. If he left me for an OW I would understand fully because I failed him. I'm dont have the answers yet on the how to fix my marriage. I justified the affair because the marriage was lacking emotional intimacy and compatibility. We have discussed this at great lengths and I suggested MC but I was still in the affair so it would have been pointless. That chapter of my life is now over. I want to put it away and keep it behind me. Hopefully IC can help.

 

@bittersweet I admire your strength and growth. I have read your entire story. I would never block you as I consider you one of the most Valuable posters on here. Your words of wisdom have helped me see things from a different perspective. I felt trapped and stuck in my own thoughts. I was fully breaking down.

[Naivewomen]

@Dkt3. I don't feel like I am superior at all. H got lazy in the marriage as most posters have mentioned. H is emotionally introverted and does not express himself properly. My H is the quiet man in the room. Hes extremely a shy person and not a conversationalist. We have discussed a year back to seek out plans outside the marriage as we were only going to keep it together for the children and financial purposes. He is only bound by paper to me if he wanted to be with another woman I would absolutely understand. He deserves a genuine honest and authentic woman. He is all of those characteristics and I am not.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks Naive for the kind words. I wish that I didn't have those words to offer though. I just try to help others from making the same choices I did, or at least learn from the aftermath of those poor and hurtful choices I made.

 

I will say, I remember clearly thinking during the A and afterward that if my H was having an affair, I'd be fine with it. We didn't live in the same place at that time so he could've gotten away with it as easily as I did. But looking back, I think my thoughts went that way so I could somehow absolve myself from responsibility for my actions. Like, if he did it too...then what I did wouldn't be that bad, right? Then I wouldn't be the "bad guy" in the marriage. Because I didn't want to be the villain that ended the marriage.

 

Personally I don't feel that spending mental energy and what her H may/may not have done in reference to his possible A is productive. The fact is that Naive disrespected her H, her marriage, and herself...and she is working through that. She's also continuing to show disrespect by not offering up the truth, but that is something she's still having trouble with. As long as each step is moving forward, keep moving NW.

Edited March 10, 2019 by Bittersweetie

[Amethyst68]

I agree that your last post makes it sound like you're hoping your BH is cheating because you won't be the bad one if he leaves.

I find that I find most about your situation in your posts on other threads. Here you seem focused on telling everyone how you are done with MM and moving on (however slowly) but very recently posted somewhere else about how much you are pining every day for your MM's touch etc. I mentioned this post before but I'm doing so again because I think it gives a clearer view of your current mindset. You don't just think of him you actively pine for him. How is your BH ever going to win in this scenario?

[mark clemson]

OP: I’ve probably pointed this out before...you really have to mentally prepare for the possibility that your husband is also having an affair. No man is going to sit still in a sexless marriage waiting for his wife to get over the OM. Since you write in a tone so full of contempt, I fear you might be the one to do something irrational when you find out your husband might not be as under your control as you want to believe.

 

I think you're right to point out the possibility of an affair. It's always possible. However, I think there are actually plenty of men out there who tolerate sexless marriages. Some will certainly look for something outside the marriage, but as men masturbation is something that many if not most of us do all our lives anyhow. So, I'd bet that for a fair percentage that suffices.

 

I do agree it's not fair to keep a normal man in this kind of situation for too long.

 

I will also note that I don't see a tone of contempt in the majority of NM's posts. I do think there is a lot of urging her to tell when she's clearly not comfortable with that and sometimes she responds to that negatively. And honestly I find that completely understandable because it can feel like harping on the issue.

[DKT3]

The problem mark, is her husband has questioned her about having an affair, she claims she convinced him she wasnt and he just let it go. This is pretty odd. He was suspicious and her behavior worsened and he just let it go? I dont think so. Unless he really doesn't care or he is too preoccupied to be bothered.

 

As far as confession goes, I personally believe she should for one reason, she doesn't love her husband, period. So why maintain the lie. Why try to force herself to be with a man she doesn't want because she doesn't want to be alone? When does he get a chance to be with someone who wants him like she wants MM?

[mark clemson]

Hi, DKT3 -

 

I don't want to answer for NW, but I also feel like she shouldn't be forced to yet again give her reasons.

 

She seems, from what I got out of her posts, to be trying to patch it up with the recognition that if she can't she will give him the option to leave. So that at least puts some sort of time limit on the situation. And if he chooses to stay, despite the difficulties/lack, ultimately that's his choice.

 

Speaking for myself, I don't understand the constant recycling of the tell issue. If it were my thread, I'd say "please just drop it already" or similar. Possibly quite emphatically. Or ask that the thread be closed.

 

I *do* want to say also, while we're on this topic, that I do think there's very real value in what the "tell" crowd bring. I think a WS's default mode is normally to not tell. But I think you guys are quite good at pointing out real benefits, in particular controlling the timing and manner of a Dday, showing a true change by being the one who tells them, and thus having more trust during the breaking/remaking of the marriage that *may* occur, depending on the BS. And there are many others.

 

But ultimately I think that when a WS has heard all of this multiple times, has had time to think about it seriously, and has determined that it's just not the right decision for them, the issue should be dropped. When it keeps being brought up again and again it feels to me almost like a form of harassment. So it bothers me in that sense, even if I recognize that the intentions behind it are sincere.

[Naivewomen]

@Amethyst. I dont recall a recent post where I indicated that I long for MM's touch. I could have that back in an instant!!! The only thing I miss is our friendship which we had prior to this mess with no intention of ever crossing the line. I know the man for many years. Will that help my marriage absolutely NOT!! So at this point, I recognize that I want nothing from him!! Not even a "hello". I cant wait for the day for this is stored away in a tiny box of my past life. I was not the person I want to be!! I completely changed and even believed my own lies and to why I continued in this affair. It was wrong in everyway!!! And it wasnt love at all!!

[Naivewomen]

@mark!! Thank you!!!

 

I should have requested that the "tell your H the truth conversation" stop. I will not tell my H about this affair at the moment. I am so super worried that because I changed that I will not be able to love him again. My romantic feelings for him are numb and I am worried. Worried he will not get what he truly deserves. I do want to feel and regain all that I have lost. My H put on our wedding song last night and asked me to dance in the kitchen in front of my two children. I feel the guilt!!!

[stillafool]

Divorces are damaging to everyone involved.

 

No, affairs are damaging to everyone involved and breaks up families. Do you not get this?

I try too soley focus on rebuilding my family unit that WAS never truly on weak territory until I breached.

 

No you come to this forum to still focus on OM. If you were trying to move on you would direct your attention elsewhere and stop talking about him.

[stillafool]

 

Let's hope the husband does have an OW, or at least some real friends to share his life with, otherwise it is probably a pretty miserable existence.

 

I'm hoping he's having his own affair and it's going well.

[Naivewomen]

@still a fool. I come to this forum to help me process my emotions and to understand the mistake that I made. I was unable to process any of it but because if this forum and the experiences of other OW I understand how weak and how I person can go against everything they believe. I'm not the first nor the last that will go through this....

[Amethyst68]

The quote I referenced was made in Lilkatkat's thread on 3 March, it's post 956.

 

 

What you actually said was 'I still pine and crave his voice, touch and etc'.