Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 No!! I'm sorry for not being perfectly clear here. I havent been intimate in about a year. However the intimacy with my husband while I was in the beginning stages of my affair became a chore. It was more for him and I got nothing out of it. I was only a body not a soul. My soul was elsewhere. Part of the fog, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 More than likely your husband's soul is someplace else as well. It's rare that your marriage can be fixed when there isn't total transparency. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 I certainly had my priorities screwed up. At no time would I say I had a bad marriage. My husband worked very hard to make me happy all the time. I struggled internally with my own stuff. I never felt like he was good enough for me. After this experience and counseling I have learned alot about myself. It was time to figure out myself. There is still alot of work to do to rebuild my marriage. I'm still bothered by the fact that I would have walked away from my life for the MM. This bothers me the most. Believe me MM didnt deserve me at all. I didnt see the signs I was simply lovestruck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 @still a fool. Believe me he felt the disconnect hence why he stopped asking. I shattered his soul. I will pay for this for all eterntiy. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I certainly had my priorities screwed up. At no time would I say I had a bad marriage. My husband worked very hard to make me happy all the time. I struggled internally with my own stuff. I never felt like he was good enough for me. After this experience and counseling I have learned alot about myself. It was time to figure out myself. There is still alot of work to do to rebuild my marriage. I'm still bothered by the fact that I would have walked away from my life for the MM. This bothers me the most. Believe me MM didnt deserve me at all. I didnt see the signs I was simply lovestruck! What made you think the OM was good enough for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 He made me laugh and smile everyday. I felt like he got me. I havent had many relationships. This was my third. I felt like this MM understood me. He fulfilled me emotionally and pshycially. I told my therapist this. My therapist even understood if we were both on the Same page and MM felt the same, I would have leaped. I am not happy to say this or type it. It's just reality. It was a long term affair. He felt like a part of me. Wrong I know but honest with how I felt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I certainly had my priorities screwed up. At no time would I say I had a bad marriage. My husband worked very hard to make me happy all the time. I struggled internally with my own stuff. I never felt like he was good enough for me. After this experience and counseling I have learned alot about myself. It was time to figure out myself. There is still alot of work to do to rebuild my marriage. I'm still bothered by the fact that I would have walked away from my life for the MM. This bothers me the most. Believe me MM didnt deserve me at all. I didnt see the signs I was simply lovestruck! But you didn't. Saying you will or want to isnt the same as doing. 2/3 of MW consider leaving for AP. Only slightly more then 17% actually do (still double that of MM, if your wondering). Of that 17% 80% attempt to return to the husband. I would not be so sure that you would have actually pulled the trigger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 DKT3 probably not. I knew I had a lot to loose. I have a beautiful family and all the accessories to go with it. I need to be more grateful for my Husband simply being my husband. I disrespected him terribly. He truly did not deserve this but at the time of the affair I couldnt pin point what I was lacking either. It almost like I had to experience this in order to have understood what I needed. I take from this a tremendous learning experience. It wasnt all negative. I will be a better partner to my spouse because if this. Once I get over the hurdles. Link to post Share on other sites
Tanchik Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I am glad to see some introspection from posters here. I think one of the hardest things to get past for MOW is the mental gymnastics done to make their choices okay. Once we are past the "I did this because of H or whatever" and move onto the "I did this because of me and my issues," the true healing can start. But it is not an easy step to take, to take full responsibility for our choices and the pain they cause. It means accepting being the bad guy, accepting that one caused pain to others. It is an important step forward. Isn't there mental gymnastics involved in reconciling with H as well? Or divorce? I feel like in the cases where affairs already happened or are happening, mental gymnastics is a must to be able to stick with whatever decision you've made. Link to post Share on other sites
Tanchik Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 DKT3 probably not. I knew I had a lot to loose. I have a beautiful family and all the accessories to go with it. I need to be more grateful for my Husband simply being my husband. I disrespected him terribly. He truly did not deserve this but at the time of the affair I couldnt pin point what I was lacking either. It almost like I had to experience this in order to have understood what I needed. I take from this a tremendous learning experience. It wasnt all negative. I will be a better partner to my spouse because if this. Once I get over the hurdles. The real question is HOW to get over the hurdles. When you've acted a certain way for years, haven't been intimate, checked out, haven't been fair. In my own situation, I find it incredibly difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 (edited) @Tanchik those r my hurdles. I checked out so long now. Yes very very difficult!!! I'm struggling. What keeps me grounded at this very moment are my children. I so desire to keep my life intact for them. I am coming from a divorced family myself. I know the impact on children. I am fighting for a happier life for myself and my family. My priorities! Edited January 15, 2019 by Naivewomen Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 You get there by being open honest and humble. My wife kept her affair secret long after it ended and our relationship got progressively worse. I cant say what would have happened if she was open then. So we divorced. Once she felt she had nothing left to lose she started to be open and honest, for me, in that moment it was too late. We spent years apart and have since reconnected and remarried. Gone are the days were she feared being her genuine self with me. She finally made herself vulnerable which gave me an opportunity to show I loved all of her, not just the parts she carefully constructed for years. In turn she says she is more connected to me now then ever. Given the opportunity some husbands may surprise you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 @DKT3 I have chills!! This is a beautiful ending to a nightmarish situation. I hope my story ends the same way without going through the divorce and separation part. My husband has to make necessary changes and I will tell him. I am just waiting for a complete and honest me. It's been months since my affair has ended. I am starting to feel like my old self again. Well a better version of my old self. My H is responding. Hes not as distant. Baby steps. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Dear Naivewomen, I’m sorry you found a void in your marriage and chosen to give all of your heart to another man. Many men have also fallen into the same trap by given all of their love to the OW because like you, they thought they were “In Love”. In your case, he never loved you!!! You were naïve and accepted his scraps and thought he gave his heart to you. I’m glad you have wised up and smelled the coffee! He only wanted sex from you, and you gave him everything he wanted and received nothing. Now it’s time to move forward. It’s time to discuss your affair with your husband. In my opinion; you might consider moving “past the past” and become an honest and trustworthy wife even if it results in a divorce. Be the woman I know you are and move forward with trust, love, dignity, and honesty. Best, Dreamer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 15, 2019 Author Share Posted January 15, 2019 Dreamer this hurts hard. He was caught several times in a years span. He came back to me everytime. Most MM never even give the women closure. They run and never look back when they are outed. They fear the loss of their lives. We still maintained the affair for a solid year. To say, he wanted me just for the sex is not fair. We were barely able to be intimate after that. He was truly emotionally connected. He told me morning noon and night how much he loved me. I just believe he loved both women. Some people are capable. I never would have hung on so long. I would have turned my back on him as well. He wanted to live me in return but simply couldn't. He does love his wife more. Hes entitled to that but to say that I didnt feel his heart is not fair. But thank u for ur kind words. I am pushing forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Are you ever going to tell your husband? Ever going to let him make a decision about his own life knowing all the facts? You say you want your marriage but it's all about you controlling the narrative! You also said you made a friend of? MM's wife, was this another way of getting closer to him, of being able to see him under her nose? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 Are you ever going to tell your husband? Ever going to let him make a decision about his own life knowing all the facts? You say you want your marriage but it's all about you controlling the narrative! You also said you made a friend of? MM's wife, was this another way of getting closer to him, of being able to see him under her nose? No I dont think I will ever tell my husband. He will not be so forgiving. I am trying to work through this alone and with the help of caring people on these threads. And no I wasnt being her friend for any reason other than she would call and I became friendly with her. I never ever had an intention of sleeping with this man. Never thought in my wildest dream I would be a cheater!! I respected him and his marriage and my own.. . He pursued me... I feel for it and the temptation overpowered my clear thinking. That's the truth! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 No I dont think I will ever tell my husband. He will not be so forgiving. I am trying to work through this alone and with the help of caring people on these threads. And no I wasnt being her friend for any reason other than she would call and I became friendly with her. I never ever had an intention of sleeping with this man. Never thought in my wildest dream I would be a cheater!! I respected him and his marriage and my own.. . He pursued me... I feel for it and the temptation overpowered my clear thinking. That's the truth! So what happens when let's say his wife informs your husband? It could be 2 3 or 8 years down the line. Time passing with him not knowing doesn't matter. We has a male poster right now struggling with some infidelity stuff his wife did over two decades ago. He will be just as hurt and angry if he finds out in 15 years, except he will also have a feeling that you stole his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 One this my MM promised was he was taking this to his grave. I promised the same. It will never come out this is way too hurtful. That pain doesn't go away. We r in desperate need for a MC which I think he is starting to realize. We dont know how to reconnect. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewhawk Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 So you and OM made a promise to take it to your graves...sounds like still cheating to me. MC is pointless as the main issue (your affair) hasn’t been brought to light, don’t waste money on counseling while hiding the elephant in the room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted January 16, 2019 Author Share Posted January 16, 2019 Lewhawk are you saying that neither one of us will have normal marriages of we keep this concealed??? I have spoken to several Cheating MM who have survived infidelity unscathed. And belive me the pain will ne there forever. I am sure once I forgive myself for it and we can reconnect this hopefully will not be a factor. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Lewhawk are you saying that neither one of us will have normal marriages of we keep this concealed??? I have spoken to several Cheating MM who have survived infidelity unscathed. And belive me the pain will ne there forever. I am sure once I forgive myself for it and we can reconnect this hopefully will not be a factor. What is being said is how do you honestly expect to connect with something that will continue to keep you apart. At long as you have this secret you will always have a need to keep him distant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TooBad Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 What is being said is how do you honestly expect to connect with something that will continue to keep you apart. At long as you have this secret you will always have a need to keep him distant. While true on some level and certainly if you go MC I guess, I think there's plenty of people that can continue their marriage as it was (so, no not improved but as it was) before the A, while keeping the secret. Cost/benefit analyses can prevent them from doing it again. Or continued guilt and telling themselves everything is fine, they don't need more. Things like that.... Connecting with someone is not defined the same by everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Let me ask you this. You've been denying your husband physical and emotional intimacy for years. You plan to continue to do so until you're completely over your MM, which if you read many threads here and other boards can take months if not years. You've probably distanced yourself from your children and family life in the pursuit of happiness and excitement with MM. So you go to MC because your husband need to work on his issues and they ask you about the above. What do you do? Lie, make up some reason or most likely blame it on your husband? The MC is wasted because the as said before the 'elephant in the room' has never been discussed plus your husband will almost certainly end up bearing the majority of the blame for any problems so you and your MM can take your secret to the grave! In addition there is the fact you would have run from this your husband and this life so fast if MM was willing that it's clear your husband is your plan b. You even say in one of your earlier posts he doesn't have the intelligence capability to be a friend. What does that even mean? Do you know how insulting that sounds. Your husband should be your friend, it should be the basis or at least a strong part of your relationship (IMO). What happens the next time you meet a friend who is more intellectually capable of being a friend? Will it be the same? I honestly don't mean to be harsh, what I see is someone who thinks her husband is a good provider and a good father but if MM called today and said it's over I've left your cases would be packed and you'd be out the door. Finally, I'd sack the IC and find one that's not pandering to your thoughts of 'true love' and happy ever after with MM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 While true on some level and certainly if you go MC I guess, I think there's plenty of people that can continue their marriage as it was (so, no not improved but as it was) before the A, while keeping the secret. Cost/benefit analyses can prevent them from doing it again. Or continued guilt and telling themselves everything is fine, they don't need more. Things like that.... Connecting with someone is not defined the same by everyone. I guess not, because it seems your definition is the same as coexisting. Link to post Share on other sites
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