I am in an affair and I am extremely torn..

[mincrafter]

I last posted here in August 2017. You can find my previous post at called "New here and devastated"

 

I was new the in the immediate aftermath of my WW's 5 year affair. I received good advice then on how to handle this but I was not in the right frame of mind to take those advice objectively.I reacted to some posts and what ultimately broke me were two posts from a WW (#63 and #64) that completely laid the blame on my feet. I was disgusted because I did everything for my family and my world and happiness revolved around theirs. How could this stranger from internet say those words to me? I completely stopped posting after that and didn't revisit the forum for another 4-5 months.

 

I feel like I need to post again because I am in badly need of some advice. This current thread is about the A I'm in for the last 8 months. If you read my previous thread, you will know that my WW's AP who was in our social circle. I felt extremely humiliated knowing that I interacted with this person for 5 years all the while he was bedding my wife. Folks here correctly predicted they had knowledge of this A and didn't inform me. I seethed with rage inside. I was humiliated and ashamed. I didn't want to face any of them. I completely stopped seeing them without any word. I was straight with my wife that if she wanted in anyway to save the marriage, she would cut off all contact with AP and them. My wife ultimately agreed but not before dragging and trying to negotiate a bit.

 

To make a long story short a woman from that group reached out to me, unbeknownst to my wife. She profusely apologized to me for not talking to me earlier and not informing me when she knew about it. She distanced herself from my WW and the OM (and its true) and has been debating in her mind all these years whether or not to tell me. I accepted her apology and talked about how I was doing. We left it then with her saying she would be there if I needed someone to talk to. We did not talk again for 2 weeks. As I have said before, I was extremely ashamed to reveal to anyone what my wife has done, so I had no one to talk about this. So in desperation, I reached out to her. She was kind and gracious. We talked and decided to meet. We met at a cafe. She was so very understanding and patient with me. I cried in front of her and she held my hand. Soon after that we began texting and talking regularly.

 

I knew she was divorced and had recently broken up from a relationship. What I did not know was that she divorced because her ex-husband cheated on her and broke up due to the boyfriend cheating. I was so vulnerable. We became support for each other during this time. We both talked about our daily pains and tribulations in our life. She became my refuge. It felt so natural and soothing to let out my feelings to her. Our closeness grew. And one day we just couldn't hold it in. After a very heavy and tear-filled conversation about the sadness of our life, we confessed our deep feelings for each other. That day we had first sex at her home. It was amazing and so fulfilling! That was 8 months ago. We have only gotten stronger during that time. I was feeling guilty and confused yet I wanted this woman so strongly. I even admitted my guilt to her. She understood me and told me she would walk away if I told her to. I couldn't endure the thought of her walking away. She has become my emotional pillar.

 

The emotions from this A has completely thrown me into a tailspin. My wife, although not perfect from the start, has bit by bit started to do more. Lately it seems she is doing more as she feels I'm going away. Yet, I can't leave my AP because after what she has been through and how she again trusted me with her heart, I can't do to her what her ex-H and ex-BF did. She doesn't deserve that. I have fell completely in love with her. And this has taken away the last vestige of my love that remained after my wife's A. I have completely stopped being physical with my wife for the last 2 months although she tries. I tell her I can't as I am having difficulty due to her actions in the A, which is not the entirely true (but neither is a complete lie). I share kisses with my wife but I am nauseated by her smell. Yet she tries and is committed to my healing. We are in MC where I am lying about my detachment. If not for my children, I would be out of this marriage. We finally have a stable home again and they are doing so good.

 

And then I think about the OW. She has a grown up daughter who is out of the house. She wants to start a new life with me. She has invested so much into our relationship. She was there for me at a time when I was in such deep needs. How can I leave her now? Please tell me what to do. My children loves their mother so much and I can't lose my half of my time. They are majority of my world. For only them, I stayed in my M. And for only them I'm not out now when my heart lies with someone else.

[The Dude Abides]

Wow, I just posted at your other, resurrected, thread.

 

I suggest that staying with the mother of your children, just for the sake of the children, is NOT doing the best possible thing for your kids. A happy and healthy father is what is best for your kids. Even if that means they have to split time between your residence and wherever their mother lives.

 

I see separate issues here.

 

The mother of your children is attempting to reestablish her position as your wife. I would say tough sh*t to her and what she wants because she destroyed so completely what was there before. I refer to her as the mother of your children rather than wife because I don’t think she deserves that title.

 

The fact that you have found what is hopefully deep happiness and fulfillment with this lady who formerly was a member of the group of friends is wonderful. I hope if works out for both of you.

 

IMO, You still owe it to yourself and your children to legally and formally sever your ties to the mother of your children. Follow through with that, ensure that things are set up as best as can be for your children and custody, and pursue your relationship with the new lady friend.

 

Depending on where you live, your new relationship might cause some legal hassles for your case and you should see an attorney.

 

I am so glad you found someone. Just take care and close out the other situation and dont straddle the fence on this one.

 

I am another example of someone who lived through a horrible marriage to a unfaithful, nasty, abusive woman, and then found the true LOML and have had unbridled happiness for more than 25 years and feel like i have a new life.

 

Go out there and secure this for your self, but just do it the right way.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Mincrafter,

 

I remember your post and I felted your pain. I agree with “The Dude Abides” follow your heart and don’t let your dedication to your children dictate your path. You can be a good father via co-parenting. I would give you my opinion/suggestion and you can either take it or leave it. It is now time to enter into the next season of your life. Consider divorcing your wife and move to the next season and find your happiness.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[FMW]

I think you probably need to take it a little easy in the new relationship. You developed a bond during a highly emotional time and she was your only outlet and comfort. The emotions are all magnified because of that. There may also be an element of revenge - on your wife, on the social group.

 

I'm not saying your feelings aren't real or that they won't last, just don't make life altering decisions based on your strong attachment to this other woman.

 

It sounds to me like your marriage is over. I don't think you should stay for your children, as has been discussed. But make sure your decision has nothing to do with being with the other woman. If you would end your marriage even without her in your life, then ok. But if you are only done with your marriage because you have someone else to go to, I think you need to step back and think things through.

 

Also make sure you aren't holding on to this other women out of guilt, not wanting to be another guy who jerked her around. She knew the situation she was getting into, she chose to get involved knowing the risks.

 

Personally I wouldn't stay in your marriage, and I would want to be with the person I've found love and happiness with. So I'm not judging you - just saying be very clear on your motives and feelings.

[DKT3]

I recall your original thread and remember thinking this guy is done with his wife but cant bring himself to admit it.

 

I normally avoid posting on BH threads because it pains me to see guys spinning their wheels in fear. Having traveled the road I now understand it's much easier than I feared to make a decision for me and let her go. Fear of seeing my kids, fear of what they would think of me for being the one who "gave up" fear that she would go to him and him being around my kids. Fear keep me trapped in the worse 14 months of my life. Didnt want her but couldn't leave.

 

I'm not going to say much about your affair, because I did the exact same thing except I could go through with it. Lined up one of my wifes friends and went after her. She was willing. I realized I was doing it for revenge. I think there is some of that here...also a bit of reclaiming some masculinity stolen from you. If any of those elements are true, it will soon become empty.

[The Dude Abides]

 

I'm not going to say much about your affair, because I did the exact same thing except I could go through with it. Lined up one of my wifes friends and went after her. She was willing. I realized I was doing it for revenge. I think there is some of that here...also a bit of reclaiming some masculinity stolen from you. If any of those elements are true, it will soon become empty.

 

OP, I can relate to what DKT3 says here. I, too, ended up with someone after separation and it was all about trying to feel like a man again after having been so mistreated for so long by my first wife. After some initial number of zesty sessions I started feeling empty and overall pretty lousy. Meanwhile, I must have been some sexual Superman because this woman was quickly growing strongly attached to me (I probably was because I had so much pent-up need for female companionship) and she got more and more possessive while I was trying to put the brakes on things. It was another icky moment in my life, which I always associate with the horrible memories of my combat tour of duty with Wife #1.

 

As luck would have it, or Fate, or Divine Intervention , while this lousy follow-on relationship (if that is what it could be called) was limping along, I ended up meeting the future Mrs. Dude Abides. It was a total fluke, and looking back on it we both can laugh at just how many subtle things occurred to make it so we ended up meeting initially with a mutual friend and then went out soon thereafter for a casual date.

 

It sounds like some of your details are different with this situation right now. But just be mindful of falling in to something that otherwise wouldn’t have happened if not for your current emotionally vulnerable state.

 

Best of luck as you move ahead.

[mincrafter]

Thanks for your replies @The Dude Abides @Finding my way @Dreamer2017 @DKT3....

 

You have given me lot to think about. You guys have touched a great chord that this intense feeling in my A is amplified even more due to the fact that I bonded in a time when I was high on emotions. I may not feel the same down the line when all things done. I am scared to think I may not feel the same when we are finally together and the sticking point of our SO's betrayal is behind us.

 

I logically know I can co-parent well but I don't think my wife will be that accomodating when she finally sees who I'm with. I have no intention of hiding who I am with post divorce. I don't know how some waywards carry on for so long in hiding but I'm already feeling suffocated in this double life.

 

Lots to think about.

[pepperbird]

response redacted....sorry

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry but I don't think that cheating is ever the right answer.

 

If you think your marriage is over (and it does sound like that's where you're heading) then sit her down and tell her. Try and work things out in a calm manner for the sake of your children.

 

As for the OW, you sound overwhelmed with everything. I would honestly stop everything just now until you are at least separated and the divorce well on it's way. I think you need time away from both women to try and sort out how you really feel. It could only benefit you to concentrate on yourself and your children for a time, you'll find you'll get physically and mentally stronger the longer and further out you are from this situation. This will hopefully give you the clarity you need to know if this woman is your future.

[Cullenbohannon]

Is his cheating the wrong answer?

 

These were the questions he asked a year ago.

 

How do you go on knowing your wife was in bed with another man and so frequently for so long? How do you get over the fact that she enjoyed it so much? How do build up yourself again after knowing that you are bested in everything sexually by another man - body, looks, size of organ, money? How do you handle knowing that your wife can't gurantee you that your sex life will ever be as good as she had with another man.

 

Political correctness be damned. I give the man a A+.

[elaine567]

Your wife "rejected" you by cheating on you and this woman jumped at the chance of replacing her.

She no doubt targetted* you and sneakily inserted herself into your life by the back door, albeit with your consent.

She made herself comfy and indispensable to you and now you are thinking of breaking up your marriage for her.

Be very careful.

You may be jumping from the frying pan into the fire...

 

 

(* I guess in the similar way that a woman may target the guy who just lost his wife. He is vulnerable, lonely and in need of "help"... He is also in fact offering a way of life she covets and so she is right in there with comfort and support...)

[Amethyst68]

Political correctness has nothing to with it. Lying (and cheating) has a way of being found out and kicking you in the ass!

 

Actions have consequences, something that is all too often forgotten these days...

[Vivir]

If anyone at all needed evidence, the following is a strong example of why it is a TERRIBLE idea to find any romantic interest in a newly separated or divorced person:

 

As luck would have it, or Fate, or Divine Intervention , while this lousy follow-on relationship (if that is what it could be called) was limping along, I ended up meeting the future Mrs. Dude Abides.

 

^You'll just help him or her along as a literal place-holder until they find the "real" person of they had hoped to find.

 

Even the OP believes he is in love with his Other Woman. Upon reading, I had the exact same sentiments as Elaine... This woman saw an opportunity and jumped on it. Sure, she may have felt an affinity towards the OP, but she still could've waited until he divorced his wayward wife, instead of becoming the very person that hurt her so bad in two of her prior relationships...

 

While I cannot speak to the pain of being the betrayed partner, I am just a tad bit (read: utterly) disappointed that the OP's revenge affair seems to be getting a pass. I'm with Amethyst on this one. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I wonder what would happen if you stopped lying in your marriage counseling sessions, told your WW your truth, and put all your cards on the table.

[Lotus_Luna]

I can relate to what you have shared.

 

You experinced a trauma (so did I)

 

You bonded with your AP pver this trauma (so did I)

 

You are close emotionally to your AP (as did I)

 

You are done emotionally with your wife (as I was with my husband)

 

Here is where I am going to stop you. You have NOT dealt with your enotipnal woundings. You have simply allowed another person to step in and distract you. I dis this, I understand it. He was my strength, he gave me courage, he was everything.

 

And that wasnt right. I needed to get my **** handled. I needed yo face myself and heal because all I brought to this relationship was my bagagge. I needed hom to make me feel fixed.

 

We ended the relationship several times, each time I focused on myself. Each time I faced my pain.

 

And after the last time something in both of us clicked. We arent wounded people anymore.

 

You and she need to take time to focus on self care. I so strongly see myself in you. I’m not saying the relationship is doomed, but youre putting so mich idealized pressure on it.

 

Take a time out, get divorced, get seprated, get into IC... get healthy

[mincrafter]

I wonder what would happen if you stopped lying in your marriage counseling sessions, told your WW your truth, and put all your cards on the table.

 

You are correct in that no two wrongs make a right.

 

But where I am now, I am not ready to tell my WW about own A. I have too much anger and resentment for that too happen. My WW has come around and is putting her very best effort in restoring our marriage. Whereas inside, I am still seething. If I had to tell my WW about my own A, that will be me asking for a divorce because the place where I am at I am not to offer any apology or take any responsibility for my own actions. And I am not ready to give up my marriage either.

 

Given where I am at, I need to let go of the OW. I still can't let her go because she has become so integral part of my support system that the first person that I want to speak to is her.

 

With both being said, I have taken some steps to tone down the intensity and frequency of our meeting. I have been open and honest with her that I am not yet ready to split my family. I expressed my desire of looking into the possibility of taking my marriage to a place of normalcy. And she agrees. She was/is hurt by this but doesn't want to be reason to breakup my family. We still talk a lot but haven't had any sex since the last post. We are both toning it down and I have also explicitly said to her if she feels this is unfair, she can break up with me. I won't drag her down even though I would miss her companionship terribly. But she still wants to talk and be my friend. And so we continue our relation but in a less intense way. Thats where we are at currently.

[Amethyst68]

If your wife is putting forth her best effort and you really want to save your marriage then you will have to do the same thing. Do you love your wife or are you staying for kids, finances etc?

 

 

 

I wonder how much of you refusing to give up the OW is due your unresolved anger and resentment. Do you ever intend to tell your wife the truth? You don't get to dismiss your affair because you feel her behavior was worse (and yes I realise her affair went in for far longer).

 

 

 

If you are truly choosing your marriage then let the OW go, it is not fair to use her as a safety net while you try to work through your issues with your wife. It maybe unpopular but in fact it's not fair to both women!

[whichwayisup]

The emotions from this A has completely thrown me into a tailspin. My wife, although not perfect from the start, has bit by bit started to do more. Lately it seems she is doing more as she feels I'm going away. Yet, I can't leave my AP because after what she has been through and how she again trusted me with her heart, I can't do to her what her ex-H and ex-BF did. She doesn't deserve that. I have fell completely in love with her. And this has taken away the last vestige of my love that remained after my wife's A. I have completely stopped being physical with my wife for the last 2 months although she tries. I tell her I can't as I am having difficulty due to her actions in the A, which is not the entirely true (but neither is a complete lie). I share kisses with my wife but I am nauseated by her smell. Yet she tries and is committed to my healing. We are in MC where I am lying about my detachment. If not for my children, I would be out of this marriage. We finally have a stable home again and they are doing so good.

 

And then I think about the OW. She has a grown up daughter who is out of the house. She wants to start a new life with me. She has invested so much into our relationship. She was there for me at a time when I was in such deep needs. How can I leave her now? Please tell me what to do. My children loves their mother so much and I can't lose my half of my time. They are majority of my world. For only them, I stayed in my M. And for only them I'm not out now when my heart lies with someone else.

 

Either come clean with your wife about your affair and you two can live separate lives outside of the house and stay married for the sake of the kids or divorce.

 

Going to counseling with your wife is lie, it's a waste of money since you're not investing in your marriage or your wife. The fact your wife literally makes you sick (her smell puts you off) is a HUGE RED FLAG that it's over. You're not attracted to her anymore and your heart has shut off for good. You're investing in another woman and wanting a life with her.

 

Stringing along two women isn't right. Make a choice... Pull the plug on your marriage and be with the OW or end things with the OW and make your marriage work.

[whichwayisup]

Given where I am at, I need to let go of the OW. I still can't let her go because she has become so integral part of my support system that the first person that I want to speak to is her.

 

Mincrafter, that isn't "love". It's friendship. You were in a very vulnerable place, emotional and needy. Her relationship ended and she was in a low place as well. You two connected and she has been helping you through a tough time, being your shoulder and strength to work through the pain of your wife's affair etc..

 

Yet even NOW as your affair has grown, you say she is part of your support system. Are you a friend to her or is it about your stuff most of the time (I ask respectfully).

 

What is your relationship like? Is she in love with you? Are you involved in her life and know her family and friends? Met her daughter? Just wondering how much you two have in common.

[oldtruck]

You are correct in that no two wrongs make a right.

 

But where I am now, I am not ready to tell my WW about own A. I have too much anger and resentment for that too happen. My WW has come around and is putting her very best effort in restoring our marriage. Whereas inside, I am still seething. If I had to tell my WW about my own A, that will be me asking for a divorce because the place where I am at I am not to offer any apology or take any responsibility for my own actions. And I am not ready to give up my marriage either.

 

Given where I am at, I need to let go of the OW. I still can't let her go because she has become so integral part of my support system that the first person that I want to speak to is her.

 

With both being said, I have taken some steps to tone down the intensity and frequency of our meeting. I have been open and honest with her that I am not yet ready to split my family. I expressed my desire of looking into the possibility of taking my marriage to a place of normalcy. And she agrees. She was/is hurt by this but doesn't want to be reason to breakup my family. We still talk a lot but haven't had any sex since the last post. We are both toning it down and I have also explicitly said to her if she feels this is unfair, she can break up with me. I won't drag her down even though I would miss her companionship terribly. But she still wants to talk and be my friend. And so we continue our relation but in a less intense way. Thats where we are at currently.

 

The person that has a RA no longer holds the moral high ground.

And, with your WW doing all that a WW can do to repair the damage.

Combined with you knowing how much pain and damage an affair

causes. You choose to ignore this and have your own affair. This puts

you below your WW on the moral high ground.

 

Your WW has owned what she has done and is working to repair the

damage.

 

You are doing more damage with your cheating and false recovery.

[BaileyB]

The person that has a RA no longer holds the moral high ground.

knowing how much pain and damage an affair

causes. You choose to ignore this and have your own affair. This puts

you below your WW on the moral high ground.

 

Your WW has owned what she has done and is working to repair the

damage.

 

You are doing more damage with your cheating and false recovery.

 

This, exactly. I have empathy for the pain that you are feeling. But, you do not have the right to hurt your wife and your children in this way. Sorry.

[assertives]

So your wife is in IC and MC, put in the work to make the marriage work. Your wife has come to terms with what she's done, owned her part in the breakup and the hurt it has caused and is making the effort to make amends.

 

What about you?

 

A reconciliation takes two hands to clap as well. If you have already decided the marriage is long dead and gone, stringing your wife along and doing exactly the same thing she did makes you no better than her. At the very least, she has now owned her mistakes and is paying her dues in terms of the consequences of her affair.

 

Having an affair was 100% her fault regardless of how she felt the marriage/you was or was not adequate for her. And the same applies to you wrt your decision to have an affair too. If you haven't already, perhaps you should take a step back from both women and consider IC too.

Edited March 5, 2019 by assertives

[Turning point]

I think you're doing yourself more harm with this affair. The OW is just a surrogate for the life you thought you had, and you are essentially using her to delay facing the truth and making hard choices. She's already in a bad place and you are making her own situation worse.

 

The OW is one of the people you claim knew about the affair but, never said anything about it (for 5 years, no less!) Now suddenly, from her own place of disaster, loneliness, and pain she "reaches out to you?" She sounds like a vulture not your savior, though I doubt even she is aware of how desperate she is. Like you, she is a walking basket of pain and loneliness needing someone, just anyone really.

 

Both of your are BLIND to how unhealthy this is.

 

I also think that in addition to being clueless about the 5 year affair, you are blind to your part in the marriage failure. I don't have a window to your role as husband and father and that may all be great, but I suspect this tit-for-tat dance you are doing to even the score with your wife has been a pattern between the two of you since the very beginning. Ultimately, your wife won because she had fewer rules of war. Now you've simply upped your own game.

 

Just end it already. Have the decency to stop holding your children hostage to this dysfunction.

Edited March 5, 2019 by Turning point

[El Duendecillo]

At best, the OW has allowed you a relatively softer landing after the devastating discovery of your WW's betrayal. With the total emasculation you felt after D-day, it is somewhat understandable how you now find yourself in this situation with OW.

 

At worst, you can be called a cheater now too. It is also likely that your affair has prevented you from full processing and dealing with your WW's betrayal in a thoughtful and honest way.

 

From your description of events, I believe you owe it to yourself to pull away from the OW, and allow yourself time to process and heal from your WW's betrayal. Though the the OW has been an emotional crutch for you, she's not an honest nor objective participant in your coping process. The OW has her own selfish agenda too, so please don't place her on a pedestal.

[Wallysbears]

The hypocrisy here is amazing. You are still harboring so much anger towards your wife and want her to jump through all these hoops...meanwhile, you are screwing around on her.

 

That's not how to save a marriage. .

[pepperbird]

Sounds to me like you an ow are both using each other. You're using her as a sounding board and emotional cushion, and she's using you the same way.

 

 

 

Why not clean up one pile of crap before you start another?