Currently Separated Dating Frustration

[Insoc]

So after 2 months of trying Match and a few other sites dating apps, I have decided to give up dating period till my Divorce is final, while I did have a few dates and turned down plenty that were not good fits, one long distance thing that flopped, it has been very frustrating for me. I always listed my status and even Match has the option to list it, but it seems like 99.9% of Women say no way, I even had several tell me they were interested and to check back with them after my D is final.

 

I was told by various people I know to stay single and wait, but I'm impatient, due to my marriage the past few years being not so great and lacking a lot of things that I now crave with someone new, also turned 50 a few months ago,so that hit me lol.

 

So I'm pulling the plug and cancelling the subs I have and will wait till the Spring when my D is final. I know emotionally I'm ready, but my status is killing my chances it seems.

 

I don't know if this happens for Women too, but I saw several listed who were currently separated and I reached out to them thinking they'd be interested, got no response lol.

 

I think this is the right thing to do now, because the emotional toll on me worrying about being alone is only temporary (I hope), coming out of a LTR/Marriage has this effect on you, sometimes you want to rush into relationships to fill the void when you are not even ready.

 

Does anyone have similar stories to this? Anyone that waited it out and how you dealt with it? If I was younger, I think I'd be more patient.

[alphamale]

OLD is brutal Insoc

[Insoc]

OLD is brutal Insoc

 

It sure is, I even wonder if after I'm officially divorced, it will be any better? I'm a young looking 50 year old and have been told so, also been told I'm "easy on the eyes", I don't have an ego or expect every woman I'm attracted to will like me, I know that's only natural, but my status is not helping from a few I met that responded to me saying so.

 

Bumble and Tinder were the worst experience, I got several dates on Match but all seem like a mixed bag.

 

I know from the women I dated, they flat out told me that they get 25 to 50 messages a day from Men all over, even beyond their set range, so the ego for a woman (especially if attractive) is a no-win for a guy at all, you are just a drop in the bucket and your messages get buried in the inbox, though I reached out to plenty, many viewed my profile and either responded they won't date a guy who is Separated or they just looked and didn't say anything.

[FMW]

Even though you THINK you are ready for another relationship, chances are you still have some things to process and work through. You're vulnerable to making rash decisions that probably won't work out well.

 

Unless you have extenuating circumstances (you were separated for years already, etc.), generally the first year following a divorce isn't a good time for starting something new. So you will probably run into a similar issue for a while even after the divorce is official. Any woman that wants more than something casual will be hesitant to give it a chance.

 

Meeting women IRL might turn out better for you in that they will have a chance to get a sense of you in person before finding out your "status".

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

sometimes you want to rush into relationships to fill the void when you are not even ready.

 

 

You said it. A woman worth anything won't choose a man who might only be wanting to fill a void when there are other men available. You will be filling a void in your early days of dating post-divorce.....because you can and won't want to "settle" for the first one you find.....why would a woman want to sign up for that if she actually wants a relationship with someone who is actually ready?

[Wallysbears]

You are still married and still haven’t fully emotionally processed your pending divorce.

 

Take some time to BE

[edgygirl]

While looking back I know I shouldn't have dated when separated, (I was emotionally unavailable although I could not see it at the time) I think you should prepare yourself because you will realize that dating sucks no matter what your status is. I'm sad to tell you it will keep being frustrating after you divorce. I don't want to discourage you, just giving you a reality check.

[alphamale]

however long your marriage lasted will be how long it'll take you to fully get over it

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

however long your marriage lasted will be how long it'll take you to fully get over it

 

Well, if that is true I have more than 5 more years to go! (I don't think this is true).

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

While looking back I know I shouldn't have dated when separated, (I was emotionally unavailable although I could not see it at the time)

 

Wise words.

[Insoc]

Even though you THINK you are ready for another relationship, chances are you still have some things to process and work through. You're vulnerable to making rash decisions that probably won't work out well.<snip>

 

I agree on the "vulnerable" thing, I also feel I can be too clingy right now and need to be happy alone first in order to not make a woman feel I need to have her, makes me more confident.

 

Well my marriage was a mess the past 5+ years, we were basically roomies, I posted the story in another thread, it's a can of worms.

 

IRL is a better option, I'm hoping that happens before I go back online and try it again, but it won't be for 6 months likely or longer.

Edited January 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Insoc]

You said it. A woman worth anything won't choose a man who might only be wanting to fill a void when there are other men available. You will be filling a void in your early days of dating post-divorce.....because you can and won't want to "settle" for the first one you find.....why would a woman want to sign up for that if she actually wants a relationship with someone who is actually ready?

 

True, also my pool is smaller so I might not make the best choice or best match. I know one date I went on, she told me to give myself time, guess she was right? I have to be happy alone first.

[Insoc]

You are still married and still haven’t fully emotionally processed your pending divorce.

 

Take some time to BE

 

Tom Petty said it best, "The waiting is the hardest part" and my Marriage was for the past 5+ years not going good, lot's of things missing, I know that's no excuse but I do need time and in reality I cannot be clear of the process itself till it's over.

 

What makes it hard for me, I just turned 50 a couple of months ago, seems like that's the threshold for feeling your running out of time, maybe it's in my head? If I was 40, I wouldn't be so impatient.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If I was 40, I wouldn't be so impatient.

 

If you were 40 you'd be saying "If I was 30...."

[Insoc]

While looking back I know I shouldn't have dated when separated, (I was emotionally unavailable although I could not see it at the time) I think you should prepare yourself because you will realize that dating sucks no matter what your status is. I'm sad to tell you it will keep being frustrating after you divorce. I don't want to discourage you, just giving you a reality check.

 

I'm trying to be optimistic, but I know one can set their expectations too high when reality say's otherwise. I read a lot about dating after 50, it's not too promising. One woman I dated was divorced 10 years, only had 1 exclusive since, she bought a house, they moved both of their kids into the house, then she found out he was a closet alcoholic and then he cheated on her, so she went back on Match after giving it a break, I had one date, but she was seeing someone else and told me she is moving forward with the other guy, but that doesn't mean it will last, sure. Most of the dates I went on, were experiencing the same thing, even "exclusives" don't last.

[Insoc]

Well, if that is true I have more than 5 more years to go! (I don't think this is true).

 

Not for me, I'm not waiting that long no way, I'll be close to 60.

[Insoc]

If you were 40 you'd be saying "If I was 30...."

 

Maybe, but I think at 50 it starts to hit you on Match when you have 70 year olds liking your photos, basically my Mother's age.

[edgygirl]

Because most of us in our 40s and 50s don't take our time to really get to know someone, we feel lonely and sometimes go into insta-relationships. We use projection and sex to fool ourselves that we found someone we could be with. Then when the hormones and the fake intimacy rush fade, we wake up one day and say: WHO IS THIS PERSON? It's not the same person I met. It is, you just didn't want to see it cause you rushed through it to not feel the longing and be with someone already. I am reading about it now and it's fascinating. Makes me realize that although I'm eager to find someone, I am not allowing slower paced phases which are necessary to determine real compatibility.

 

We are all in the same boat... sadly OLD made people kinda disposable.

 

One woman I dated was divorced 10 years, only had 1 exclusive since, she bought a house, they moved both of their kids into the house, then she found out he was a closet alcoholic and then he cheated on her

[Insoc]

Because most of us in our 40s and 50s don't take our time to really get to know someone, we feel lonely and sometimes go into insta-relationships. <snip>

 

Good words so true, I can see where my first few dates I was feeling a connection or start thinking of the future with them, premature for sure, they also talked the same way, but even the one women I met on Match who was a LDR thing, is super attractive and 42, told me she cannot find anyone, yet she has ton's of guys messaging her, just were not her type or what she wanted, I was at least she told me this. She talked the same way to me, we are going here and there, and doing this and we did not even meet yet. So no matter how attractive you are, it's often a similar story.

Edited January 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wallysbears]

?*♀️* yawn*

 

I don’t want to...nor do I know how to...be alone.

 

Enjoy.

 

You have two ways to go from here. Good luck

[Insoc]

There is a third way, but I won't say what that is.

Edited January 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[alphamale]

Well, if that is true I have more than 5 more years to go! (I don't think this is true).

 

it is true for most people

[elaine567]

I'm a young looking 50 year old and have been told so, also been told I'm "easy on the eyes"

I have never met any one who is an "old looking" anything, nor would I tell them that to their face, even if I thought so.

Everyone is "young looking"...

 

Try not to aim too high, it just tends to lead to frustration and disappointment, be realistic.

[Mrs._December]

Sorry, but I avoided "separated" men like the PLAGUE when I was doing OLD.

 

The truth of the matter is that separated = unfinished business. Sorry, but it's true. Some of the separated men on the site told me how they had to stay married indefinitely because they'd agreed to do so as their wife had no health insurance and they didn't want to leave her high and dry and blah blah blah. Others told me it was a contentious divorce and had been going on for over a year with no end in sight, etc. etc. Who the hell wants to get involved in any of those messes? No thanks.

 

Then there are the lying married snakes who create profiles claiming to be 'separated' but they always seem to forget to inform their wives about this supposed separation. So that's another stigma you're dealing with, having the 'separated' status.

 

I've also known a couple of women who DID choose to date separated men and both of them went running back home to their wives. Again - no thank you.

 

Your separation situation may be different, but no one KNOWS that. They only know what most of us women know when we're doing online dating - that they have way too many options and separated men just aren't worth the risk. I'm sorry, but that's how it was for me and for other women I've known.

Edited January 16, 2019 by Mrs._December

[Insoc]

I have never met any one who is an "old looking" anything, nor would I tell them that to their face, even if I thought so.

Everyone is "young looking"...

 

Try not to aim too high, it just tends to lead to frustration and disappointment, be realistic.

 

I always "aim high", I think being true to yourself is important and I don't aim to hurt someone just to fill a void, not my style at all.

 

I know I'm a young looking 50, because on Match you can view Men as well as Woman and I looked at the competition, I see a high % of Men who look 60+ who are 48 to 50. I also know this from my last HS Reunion, I did not even recognize many of my classmates, they looked like they were much older. Lifestyle and genetics, plays a big part.