He's completely gone off me

[brownygoldy]

So I met him during a good point in my life, things could have been better, but generally I was feeling confident, content and full of laughter. We got on straight away, and were very close from the very first date - think massaging backs and feet, but nothing more!

 

The first kiss happened 3 dates in and our lips were in sync. None of the 'eugh', 'sloppy' or 'too full on' that I've encountered before.

 

We slept together 6 dates in and again, it felt completely in sync and natural. No uncomfortable feelings or awkwardness. I was very comfortable and happy being nude in front of him and he loved that.

 

The sex life just got better and better, it's the best sexual chemistry I've ever had and I never thought I'd find that again after breaking up with a toxic ex of mine (6 year long relationship) to who I lost my virginity to and with whom the sex was intense.

 

Since the toxic ex, I'd slept with 3 different guys, all disappointing so this 4th one of mine (J) felt amazing.

 

Our time together was always cosy, always very cute. Lots of cuddles, massaging each other, cooking together, watching lots of shows together and always ALL over each other.

 

When we weren't together, it'd often lead to 'text sex', something I didn't think I'd be interested in at 28 years old but the desires were always running high.

 

There was a deep love for him from my side, he lost both his parents when young and this led me to care about him tenfold. He's also 3 years younger than me. Admittedly, I did do a lot of the cooking and caring, but he was never a bad person about it. If I needed help he'd help me, he'd always turn up on time, we'd talk every day, he was always open and honest; in short he was never unreliable like the toxic one.

 

I went travelling alone in March-May 2018 before which we agreed to end things due to the distance and us already being quite unstable and argumentative. He slept with someone within 2 weeks of me leaving and told me this honestly. Although he had every right to, I was shocked as I couldn't fathom how he was able to as I was still so physically and emotionally attached to him. He realised it wasn't the same with her, and we reconciled when I got back. Things were as good, if not more intense and sensual than ever.

 

We eventually started to drift as after one of our arguments where he was acting ungrateful, I'd had enough. After this meeting, I emotionally distanced myself from him and moved on. The physical desire wasn't there strongly either.

 

Until December 22nd.

 

The night of December 21st, we were speaking briefly as we kept in touch intermittently. It was a flirtatious conversation hinting at meeting up again and he was asking me when.. what I'm going to wear, etc...

 

The night after on December 22nd I coincidentally bump into him on a night out. My friends who I was with are the immature kind - whilst drunk they started grilling him about us. I apologised to him after and we had a civil conversation. I left the place with my friends to avoid any drama unfolding and he asked where we'd gone and came to the next place. By that time, I'd fallen down and injured my arm badly. I was in excruciating pain and my friends were too drunk to take it seriously. I ended up in hospital alone and he came and joined me. He looked after me all night and acted like the best boyfriend ever, we ended up staying together and slept together. I was lightly on my period and he didn't care.

 

It massively bought back things for me and since I miss the physical connection, comfort and chemistry hugely.

 

The next morning he left early, and since then has completely distanced himself from me saying anything he had for me has fizzled out and the desire is gone. After making this clear he blocked me on everything.

 

That was one thing that was always there between us, I always knew what to say to him to get him going and get his attention (we were both on the same 'vibe' of conversation, humour, sexually) and the night before this incident he was eager to meet. Even during the night, he followed me to the next place. But something happened that night which completely put him off me.

 

It's my birthday tomorrow and we spent his birthday together in October and I keep dreaming we'll spend mine, but he's said to me it's completely gone for him.

 

I feel low, and unwanted. I felt desirable before with him, now I feel like I have low self-worth (I know my self-worth shouldn't be attached to him, but after the drama of that night and him abandoning me after, I feel rejected, dejected and completely worthless).

 

Why do you think his view of me changed so extremely and suddenly, is it because he saw me at my weakest? And what can I do to forget him?

 

Thank you

Edited January 16, 2019 by brownygoldy

[d0nnivain]

For whatever it may be worth, happy birthday.

 

Unfortunately I think you were more emotionally attached to him then his was to you. For him it was more about the sex & he's man who puts physical above loyalty, hence him being with the other woman a mere 2 weeks after you went traveling.

 

Tomorrow when he disappoints you, hopefully that will be the final wake up call to accept that he's not coming back. Understand he didn't leave because you were weak. He left because he is a commitment phob.

[brownygoldy]

Thank you d0nnivain for your feedback.

 

I was definitely more emotionally attached to him than he was me and I'm doubting myself and the definition of 'chemistry' as a result. I thought he felt what I felt. I thought that the feelings experienced through our chemistry were unspoken and mutually felt. Obviously not.

 

Also I have considered that he is a commitment phobe but he has mentioned that he wants us to be completely over so that he can consider a future if somebody else comes about who he is more compatible with - so he's not ruled out a future and a marriage, he's just ruled it out with me.

 

Thank you for your birthday wishes

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately I think you were more emotionally attached to him then his was to you. For him it was more about the sex & he's man who puts physical above loyalty, hence him being with the other woman a mere 2 weeks after you went traveling.

 

This was exactly my impression too.

 

He obviously enjoyed your company for a while there, OP, but I am getting the feeling that you applied a lot of emotional significance to it than he did.

 

It might not be that you did something specific on that one night to put him off. It could be something as simple as him having met someone else and his attention has been completely redirected. That would be my best guess here, actually.

[brownygoldy]

Thank you ExpatInItaly.

 

Was I wrong in applying a lot of emotional significance to him/the relationship?

 

I was with him for the best intentions, I liked him so acted accordingly, showed him attention, was loyal, caring, loving etc.

 

Obviously this has come back to bite me now as it has before but how do you suggest I act in the future? My problem is that I act genuinely, not out of selfish motives, and all my relationships so far have ended as I feel my ex's have not been as genuine as I have towards the relationship.

[preraph]

Just think he didn't like how you acted with your friends and was getting an impression of you, drunk partier, and that sort of thing. He seems like a caring person, so I think he probably has reasons. Dating is to get to know someone and see if they mesh. Most of the time, they don't. Once you learn enough about the person to know they're not your type, you have to just move on.

[brownygoldy]

Preraph, true.

 

With regards to the 'drunk partier' - he was also a drunk partier that night. I wasn't meant to go out that night anyway and was forced by one of my friends who told me to stop being such a 'loser', 'old man' (I'm a 28 year old female) so I gave into the pressure and thought why not? I soon realised why not and am reassessing a lot including choice of friends since that night which is difficult in itself.

 

With regards to assessing compatibility and moving on if it doesn't mesh, I agree. I'm not in the best position in life at the moment compared to when we met so him leaving me during such a bad patch is disheartening. I thought love was supposed to be unconditional, obviously I'm reassessing that too and how much I give myself to a relationship as I did unconditionally but maybe that's not the right way!

 

Also, we'd known each other for 1.5 years at this point, so there was still a level of interest, it basically all changed after that night.

[ExpatInItaly]

Was I wrong in applying a lot of emotional significance to him/the relationship?

 

I was with him for the best intentions, I liked him so acted accordingly, showed him attention, was loyal, caring, loving etc.

 

Obviously this has come back to bite me now as it has before but how do you suggest I act in the future? My problem is that I act genuinely, not out of selfish motives, and all my relationships so far have ended as I feel my ex's have not been as genuine as I have towards the relationship.

 

You weren't wrong, per se, but reading through your other recent thread about him, it appears there were a lot of ups and downs and arguments and back-and-forth between you two. You were investing in something that was never very solid, it seems.

 

I was also struck that you tried to take on the role of nurturer, as you mentioned (either here or the other thread, I don't remember at the moment) that you tried to cook and care for him and fill the gap left by his deceased parents. While your heart was probably in the right place, I feel you were overstepping it and assuming a role he never asked you to fill. It's certainly kind to care for a partner, don't get me wrong; however, I get the impression you have a strong urge to feel needed and some of this caretaking behaviour in you stems from that. It scratches an itch for you, too. When you set up this sort of dynamic in a romantic relationship, it can easily become lopsided with you doing the doting even though it's rarely reciprocated - and that can breed resentment in you later on.

 

Acting genuinely is a great thing; it's not a problem in and of itself. The problem arises when you see it's not mutual and keep it up anyway in the subconscious hopes that someone (him, in this case) will suddenly notice your value. A lot of us have been guilty of this to some extent, at some point in our lives. That's why it's important to check in with ourselves periodically and ask ourselves if our partners are also expressing care and desire consistently, on their own volition.

[brownygoldy]

ExpatInItaly

 

In a way, he did ask me to fill the gap. Early on, he told me he's looking for someone that can 'show him a lot of love' and he'd always ask me to cook him his favourite Indian food that he rarely ate as he lived away from the rest of his family.

 

However, I get your general point in that I should have noticed the one-sided-ness of this earlier.

 

With regards to your point about me taking the role of nurturer to make myself feel needed/wanted, this hits home. My family have raised me as the eldest child in a large extended family to never say no, to always put family first, to always be there for family no matter the circumstances, to treat everyone equally, and I always have done, this has reflected in my relationships and friendships too. It's only very recently after that incident a few weeks ago that I'm really looking at situations where I've been there for people unconditionally over the years and when I've been at my lowest, these same people are nowhere to be seen.

 

It has always made me feel energised and good about myself by being there for others, but maybe this isn't so healthy.

[Leigh 87]

Thank you d0nnivain for your feedback.

 

I was definitely more emotionally attached to him than he was me and I'm doubting myself and the definition of 'chemistry' as a result. I thought he felt what I felt. I thought that the feelings experienced through our chemistry were unspoken and mutually felt. Obviously not.

 

Also I have considered that he is a commitment phobe but he has mentioned that he wants us to be completely over so that he can consider a future if somebody else comes about who he is more compatible with - so he's not ruled out a future and a marriage, he's just ruled it out with me.

 

Thank you for your birthday wishes

 

 

Wait a sec.

 

Chemistry is NOT often connected to feelings for most men.

 

The women they want the most sexually are not always the women they develop the deepest feelings for.

 

A man can feel 10/10 chemistry without developing feelings; women are less apt to being able to separate chemistry and feelings - we assume that because a guy wants us so badly physically, that they emotionally cannot help but fall for us.

[brownygoldy]

Leigh_87, interesting point. I always felt an almost '"invisible" connection with him, that he felt what I felt when we were gazing into each other's eyes but as you said it's not necessarily so.

 

That's something that is hard for me to grasp if I'm honest as I've allowed an almost delusional form of thinking to dictate my feelings for so long with him.

 

It is a process. I am feeling less connected at times and the reality of the situation hits me. I also still deeply miss/crave him at times and fantasise about seeing him again or him contacting me. It's a process.