Naivewomen Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 But what still puzzles me is, that if someone truly wants to reconcile with BS, then wouldn’t you expect them to cut the other person out of their lives? I just think, if you don’t do that, you are not committed enough to that task. Your heart is not in it – That just shows lack of respect for the BS. Even if you are sincere about making an effort but still cling on to the other person on some level, you’re already half way to failure. To me it all comes down to black and white. You can’t have cake and eat it too, if you want to work on your marriage – Then you are most definitely not respecting or loving your BS enough. Oh easy!!! Shes 98% invested in her marriage and 2% on u!!! Same here!!! Soon u will say enough is enough!!! Expect it to be one of the most difficult things you do!! The pain is real. Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Somehow I kind of feel, that the fire inside of me is slowly dying. I think it has to do with the fact, that she is very moody and not all that funny and interesting at the moment. She hasn’t been for the last 4-5 months, so what kind of lured me into this “mess” is almost gone. We used to crack a lot of jokes, tell each other obscure and insane things, but that has mostly passed. I’m still approaching her with a sense of humor. She is laughing but not returning anything, so I somewhat feel, like I’m playing ping pong all by my self. AP lost her "shiny"? She's no longer entertaining so the fire is dying? Ugh. Refocus your priorities. Link to post Share on other sites
dupedforreal123 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) I feel your pain with all of this. I am just coming out of my 5 year long stint with MM. I tore my world apart and completely disconnected for this MM. My fault I know but I fell deep and hard. So the pain I'm going through is the result of a bad decision i understand this however I would love to know of this impacts him at all?? So to hear that a MM like yourself was able to really have genuine feeling for the OW is comforting because like you we had a deep emotional connection. 2 years of the 5 year affair was only EA. I trusted him and believed that this was special and rare. I would love to know more about your experience as well and if your OW felt like anything like I felt believe me she is in tremendous pain just trying her best to juggle her world now. I too believed it was special and rare. I invested my heart and now it’s broken. Men also feel so don’t believe for a second that men don’t hurt because they do. Trust me I hurting now! Edited January 26, 2019 by dupedforreal123 Add on Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 @dupedforreal. Thank you!! I'm so sorry your heart is broken. Lots of MM on these forums that were BS's say its impossible for the MM to love the other women. They say the MM was only looking for one thing. Its men like you that help me feel like my feelings and my heart was genuinely received. I am not saying I gave my heart to the right person however I believed in his heart as well. I felt a deep emotional connection and I know I'm in for the long haul of getting over it. Just take a deep breath and take one day at a time. Keep finding enjoyment outside if this mess. It's the only way I dont crumble into a ball. I will be here for all of you as I believe we can help each other heal!! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 She, just like you, was looking for distraction and escape because she wasn't happy. She's now realized that wasn't the answer and is going to try and make her marriage work. That's one of the only two healthy options in this situation - the other is to divorce and pursue happiness once she's free with someone who is free as well. You'll hear it a million times, because it's true - actions speak louder than words. Her actions tell you where her priorities are. Her words are meaningless if they contradict what she's actually doing. Unsolicited advice - stop romantacizing and thinking wistfully of what you've had together. You'll stay stuck as long as you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 @finding a way. Great advice!! Took me tons of unnecessary pain to realize that. Actions do speak volumes. You realize this after you realize u are fighting for something all by yourself while they r enjoying their lives outside of this fantasy and illusion. Best bet is too keep your heart guarded at all times now. Its toxic and very unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhatIveDone Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Thanks for all the replies and support – I really appreciate it. I guess I know now what to do – I need to completely remove her from my life……and thoughts. Not that I didn’t know that that would be the only solution, but I just felt such a strong connection, that “letting go” seemed impossible. But during this weekend, I may have had some sort of “clarity” Like I mentioned in a previous post, she is really not that interesting or funny anymore. Rather than that, she is very moody and touchy at the moment. And by touchy I mean, she gets very defensive very quickly. And it’s all based on very common things and legit questions. She gets very offended and is sulking like a schoolgirl (don’t know if that is the right term), where I’m completely baffled going “What?!?! - That was a very legitimate question without the slightest hint of an insult” Then I have to smooth things out, and basically apologize. That gets really old really quickly. Therefore, I’m keeping my distance. She still sends me snaps and initiating contact, all though she is on vacation with her husband. It’s not any personal things. Just random snaps send to a bunch of people, so I’m definitely degraded to “common folks” So I don’t respond every time or send anything first. It’s much easier to keep quiet than keep fighting. At that is really what I miss the most – The laughter and humor. I don’t know what’s up with her at the moment. This is not the girl I used to know. She is not the one I fell in love with. I don’t wanna try and decipher her but I don’t think it’s only towards me. When I sometimes check up on her on SoMe, it is more or less the same. Post and pictures with a negative touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 You sound so much like me!! We REALLY enjoyed escaping into them. I keep thinking how does he not miss my sense of positivity and humor that I brought to the table along with all the other things that meant so much!! I really believe he had feelings for me but at the end of the day affairs are not sustainable someone always wants and needs more. He was unable to reassure me of his love, he was unable to be there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. We know what real committed love is because we have felt it before. Either we cut our spouses some slack here for believing in us or we get a divorce. You sound like you are living in the same loveless marriage as myself. How long until we say enough is enough and finally get what we are looking for. We have to get over the illusion of the other or we will truly never find happiness. They r not walking away from their lives. Actions speak volumes. One always loves more than the other. Unfortunately, you and I are genuine lovers. Period. Game over! Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhatIveDone Posted January 29, 2019 Author Share Posted January 29, 2019 We are so much alike – We ought to start our own little support group. But despite that, I also wonder, why she is not missing what we had. I do believe that she does on some level, because she won’t cut me out of her life. If I try to go NC or at least limit contact, she would eventually say that she misses me. Early on, shortly after we ended our thing, she did tell me, how much she missed what we had, and it felt that something was missing from her life. But as time passed, she became more and more introvert and moody. The complete opposite of what she used to be. So it is a little easier for me to adjust to “new life” But there are still a bunch of things, that I have a hard time coping with. The thought of her and her husband being intimate is really painful. Or knowing they are having a good time going on vacation, to the movies, or just hanging out and so on, is really not doing anything good for me. I know many of these things, because she would sometimes tell me what she is up to. I know action speaks volume, so I will have to move past this – But we both know, how hard it is. I truly feel sorry for you @Naivewomen. But if it would comfort you in anyway, then you can almost be certain, that your MM feel lots of pain too. You are most definitely running through his mind. He also wonders what you’re doing, how you’re feeling and if you might have moved on and are happy again. That is what I’m thinking about MW, so not every men are cold and emotional distant and only in it for the sex. We DO have feelings, and want to love and be loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 @what I've done. We should start our own group lol. I'm sure hes thinking about me. He was being loved by both women. He felt like a king trust me. I was very emotionally dependent upon him. Its extremely upsetting to say the least. I hope u have a speedy healing journey. There is no magic answer unfortunately but we have to keep marching forward and hope to BE HAPPY!!! I keep smiling while I'm internally bleeding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhatIveDone Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 I think I’ve already taken the first few steps towards a better and healthier life. With or without her. I haven’t made any attempts to contact her the last few days, so I think she is a little mad at me, because I’m not initiating contact, and she has to make the first move every day. So we are more or less 4 days into NC. We haven’t blocked each other, but we are not texting or anything. I guess we’ll see how things will work out during the weekend Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Stay NC!! Trust me!! Shes eating it up alive that ur chasing her. Its building up her ego. Let her belive u are moving on. Shes not leaving her marriage she already told u this. How long are you willing to be a pin cushion. I was done when I felt all the pins were in me. I waited until I could no longer tolerate the pain. Dont let her have the power or hold on you!!!! This is what they want!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author WhatIveDone Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 I will give an update after the weekend to let you know how I’m holding up. About her not leaving her marriage, I’m not entirely sure. The have nothing that hold them together besides their vows (She had already broken them) They are not even owning their own place, but renting. No kids and no pets. I strongly believe, that the glue that holds them together, are security and comfort. They are both very dependent on their families, and she has very strong ties to his family. She was a trainee in her husband’s fathers company, and earned a full employment after she finished school. So if she ever were to leave him, she would have to go looking for another job. So again – I think love has been replaced with comfort. But that doesn’t change anything for me – I would still need to look out for myself and be the best version of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 That's right look out for you!! Sometimes people are just as content with the security and comfort of their lives too even make a change. She doesnt deserve you anyway. That's how I look at it. Hes not worthy of my love and affection anymore. I've starved my spouse for years because what I gave to this MM. I was very naive to believe and its hit me in the a$$. You too will see this!! Link to post Share on other sites
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