Unrequited love of 2 yrs rejected me for another man and now pregnant

[mantis214]

This is not abuse, she did not have a gun to his head, he stuck around as HE saw an opportunity he was not willing to let go of. If anyone was manipulative it could be said it was he, trying to bribe her into having a relationship with him and getting upset when she turned him down.

 

Upset? I never once lashed out at her because she rejected me. Manipulation? No, I did those things for her because I cared, I wasn’t throwing money at her face to bribe my way into a relationship. I talked, I listened, and at the end of the night, I felt happy about spending time with her, so I simply picked up the tab. Don’t be so quick to judge.

[frigginlost]

This is not abuse, she did not have a gun to his head, he stuck around as HE saw an opportunity he was not willing to let go of. If anyone was manipulative it could be said it was he, trying to bribe her into having a relationship with him and getting upset when she turned him down.

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

Did you not read the part where she specifically used the "not ready *yet*" words?

 

*That* is full blown manipulation.

 

So if I'm reading you right, you find it okay that he develops an emotional bond with this woman, which she encouraged by continuing to use his shoulder and occasionally dropping breadcrumbs, and you see no issue at all on her part??

 

Wow. Just wow.

 

Check please... I'm out.

 

OP, as much as it stings there are a few lessons to be learned. Don't believe a single word a woman says. Watch their actions. It's also a good lesson in dealing with people in general.

[elaine567]

Of course I did. But if you genuinely cared about the other person’s feelings in the long-run, you rip the band-aid clean off, instead of vague rejections that could imply “not now, but maybe later” or “prove your worth to me”.

 

 

Why didn't you tear the Band-aid clean off when it was obvious you were getting nowhere from day one?

No-one says "Lets just be friends", if they are attracted and want to rip your clothes off..."

[mantis214]

You willingly stayed around her as an orbiter, now whose fault was that?

 

So it’s never a problem when someone gives you a vague wishy-washy rejection sprinkled with false hope, only the fault of the person who couldn’t read their minds. Understood.

[elaine567]

So it’s never a problem when someone gives you a vague wishy-washy rejection sprinkled with false hope, only the fault of the person who couldn’t read their minds. Understood.

Interested people act interested, wishy washy is a NO.

[mantis214]

No-one says "Lets just be friends", if they are attracted and want to rip your clothes off..."

 

Yet, I’ve seen this happen all the time, where a girl would reject-test a guy to see how much he’s really into her, or sparks could unexpectedly fly much later into the pair knowing each other. And her language always clearly implied that it was the way she was feeling AT THE PRESENT TIME, yet it could possibly change in the future. Why leave the door seemingly open?

Edited January 17, 2019 by mantis214

[elaine567]

Yet, I’ve seen this happen all the time, where a girl would reject-test a guy to see how much he’s really into her, or sparks could unexpectedly fly much later into the pair knowing each other. And her language always clearly implied that it was the way she was feeling AT THE PRESENT TIME, yet it could possibly change in the future. Why leave the door seemingly open?

 

 

The only open door here was in your head. You were so convinced she would choose you, you ignored all the signs that she was not interested...

For a "reject-test", it went on a tad too long no?

[mortensorchid]

It's hard to accept. We have all been in bad relationships, myself included, but you just accept that there is nothing you can do about it, you did your best and that for whatever reason was not good enough for this person. Let her go. She will continue to dig a hole deeper and deeper. Just be happy with yourself and be good.

[mantis214]

You can simply say no and still be polite about it. No need to add maybe, not now, later, to keep someone on the hook and extract emotional benefits.

[JuneL]

 

OP it sounds like you have deeper psychological issues which I think do not even relate to this woman per say. It is not 'normal' to be this obsessed with someone who barely gave anything back. You need to look at what is missing in your life to have made this women your 'saviour'

 

 

OP: Maybe she made up this getting pregnant and getting married story to $hit test you, too.

 

I say this from a good place, but please consider seriously the above suggestion.

[mantis214]

It's hard to accept. We have all been in bad relationships, myself included, but you just accept that there is nothing you can do about it, you did your best and that for whatever reason was not good enough for this person. Let her go. She will continue to dig a hole deeper and deeper. Just be happy with yourself and be good.

 

Thanks. I mean she’s getting married tomorrow, so what else can I do but accept it all? I’m sure as time passes, she’ll occupy a smaller and smaller compartment in my mind, alongside all of my exes. I’ve been through several relationships and break-ups, those I can keep fond memories of because I was at least given a chance to make them work. This one is just gonna hurt because of the what if’s and all the things that never were.

[chillii]

It's hard to accept. We have all been in bad relationships, myself included, but you just accept that there is nothing you can do about it, you did your best and that for whatever reason was not good enough for this person. Let her go. She will continue to dig a hole deeper and deeper. Just be happy with yourself and be good.

 

 

 

 

Yep , about sums it up.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

SHE isn't worth it! Who cares if she is unhappy, that isn't your doing. Lets say tomorrow she wants to be w/you, do you really want a child that isn't yours? You will stay in the convenient friend zone forever or she dump you again. Do not let her use you. Don't ruin your life over her.

[Curiousroxy86]

TL;DR unrequited love of 2 years chose another man over me, got pregnant, now being sucked into a marriage she doesn’t want, and it’s breaking my heart.

 

<SNIP>

 

1. Please seek counseling. No one especially not this woman is worth losing your life over

 

2. No contact her for good. Continuing communication just keeps opening back your wounds

 

3. Once you get your life back on track date other women and only continue to invest in a women who shows interest in you by actually responding to and accepting and RECIPROCATING your romantic advances

 

Good luck!

Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KBarletta]

I have been in your shoes, and it sucks. And the truth is (I think you know this) there is blame on both sides.

 

It's true that lukewarm or "maybe someday" level of interest is equivalent to no interest, but that is hard to see and/or admit when you're in love and in the moment it seems like her actions contradict those words. Also, if she was giving you the sense that something would or could eventually happen and you love her, you're going to stick around to see if that comes to fruition. That's a natural (albeit usually unfruitful) decision for someone who is in that position.

 

It's hard to blame someone who is looking with love-colored glasses on someone who gives him or her just the right amount of clues to keep them on the hook and let's not pretend that's not exactly what she was doing. Not to say she was deliberately hurting him - I don't believe most people do that - but she was keep her options open and taking what she could get from the situation, that much is clear. And part of that is on her.

 

Part is on you, as well, for not ripping off those rose-colored glasses to see that you were doing yourself a disservice by allowing that to happen. I know how hard it is (like I said, I've been there) to give up when you see potential, however small. But (and here I also speak from experience) there is someone out there who will be willing to give you 100 percent and who WILL be willing to rip your clothes off and who won't leave you constantly to guess and interpret what is going to happen or whether/when they will ever decide to love you.

 

You deserve that person, not someone who equivocates and constantly has one foot out the door and the other eye on someone else. No matter how much you love them, it's not worth it.

 

So good on you for moving on. If I were you, I'd never contact her again.

[edgygirl]

I know how you're feeling but I am serious when I say this: besides our parents, NO ONE is irreplaceable. There are so many women in the world. So many places to go, so many things to see, so many people to meet, so much to live. NO ONE is worth taking our life for them. Your life matters.

 

If you can just go FOREVER NC with this woman as she's toxic to you, stick to it, in time you will forget her, meet other women, and one day suddenly think: "how come I was so obsessed over her?". I know cause I've also been obsessed about a couple of people, and today I can say 100% that I wouldn't want them if they came back begging painted in gold.

 

Also, she's using you and your love for her emotional needs. She's not as great as you think she is. That's why when I broke up with guys I knew loved me I went NC with them - it's not fair to give hope to people you know you won't be with. We can be friends in the future, when they're over me.

 

Please - NC and find a way to move on. Force yourself if you have to. oneitis may exist, but it's temporary, there are other fantastic women in the world. We're here for you, please don't do anything silly <3 Hang in there.

 

she’s tying the knot this saturday and i know she’s deeply unhappy. and i’m at my condo drowning myself in alcohol, looking towards the window and seriously entertaining the thought of jumping out of it. if i wasn’t so scared of how much it might hurt when i hit the ground, i think i would have done it a hundred times over. please help me, fellow members. whatever it is you have to say, i would love to hear your thoughts.

Edited January 18, 2019 by edgygirl

[JuneL]

OP: So this pregnancy woman is very unhappy about getting married to the father of her baby. It sounds like their marriage has a shaky foundation. How are you going to avoid desperately running back to her, when things don’t work out with the baby daddy and she needs financial support? This is a serious question to consider.

[mantis214]

Thank you all for your answers. I’m not gonna play the blame game any longer and accuse her of being a manipulator. As you’ve all pointed out, this is nobody’s fault. I sucked at reading between the lines and she sucked at being honest with her rejections. I was blind in love and she was afraid of hurting my feelings with a harsh no. I’m gonna chalk it up as a lesson, but it still kills me that she’s being corraled into a marriage that she’s not sure about (we live in an ultra-conservative East Asian society) It would have been easier for me to move on if she were truly happy. i know she doesn’t HAVE to get married and there’s a big part of her who wants be her bf’s wife despite what she tells me, but I think we can safely assume this is not the scenario she had in mind when choosing a life partner. we all have a way of coping and finding happiness within our given circumstances, but it feels like i’ll always be worried about her, NC or whatnot.

 

Mm

Edited January 19, 2019 by mantis214

[Acacia98]

she could have been more honest instead of instilling false hope by coming up with excuses like she wasn’t ready to get back in the dating game and was getting over her ex-boyfriend et al.

 

I agree with you that her continuing to hang out with you when she knew how strongly you felt about her and that she did not reciprocate those feelings speaks volumes about her. To me, it means she was willing to use you to boost her ego. In other words, she genuinely didn't care about your well-being.

 

Having said that, though, you are really the person who will look out for you. You can't rely on other people to do the right thing because they may be self-absorbed, hungry for admiration, or just unkind.

Edited January 19, 2019 by Acacia98

[nolanola]

One thing that's always really interesting about posting on LS is that you get a lot of really good advice and empathy, but you also get advice that is heavily colored by the poster's experience. So you have to take definitive posts ("she's the devil!" "you're a wimp!") with a grain of salt.

 

Men and women see things really differently and I think that leads to a lot of the confusion here. I don't understand how men think all the time and it is very clear that men don't understand how women think either. I sincerely doubt this woman set out to manipulate and use you. Did she know you had feelings for her? Yes, because you told her. Did she care about you and not want to hurt your feelings? Yes, probably so. Should she have cut you off totally and ignored you because of that? Maybe, but it also seems like you were filling in a lot of those gaps (contacting her after she had been out of your life for long periods, etc). As you say, this is probably a case of both people doing things they should not have done (her giving you some positive feedback and you persisting after she indicated she only wanted to be friends).

 

As for the marriage, that is very unfortunate. Even with the exes that I wouldn't even want to pass on the street, I wouldn't want something bad to happen to them. At some point in my life I loved them. So it would be hard to watch them have a hard time. BUT, that is her choice. You will have to try to let her go and make the choices she is going to make. We can't say how this story ends for her. But you won't be controlling what happens.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt. I've been there too and believe it or not, I've been friend zoned by men that I had feelings for. So it happens both ways! Please, please don't let this turn you into a hard hearted woman hating man. Who thinks the only way to be happy is to keep control over women and never be vulnerable with them. That would be so sad. There is a woman out there who will recognize that you are a great guy with boyfriend potential and will be open to committing to a real relationship.

[Rayce]

Think about it this way... When I think about the "orbiters" that have been in my life and where they are now. A few that I can think of are now happily married and very content with their lives. There wives seem just as happy. Now I think what a shame it was that I wasn't attracted to any of them and "friendzoned" them. Here I am still single and apparently still attracted to the POS I always have been. lol... now that is some karma at least I try to find the humor... I am a work in progress.

[preraph]

Baby or no, she's an idiot for marrying that guy. But that said, she's never going to be your woman. She's had ample opportunity and simply isn't attracted to you that way. I say block her and don't have to listen to the train wreck that her life is anymore and let her learn that she had to deal with it. Why sit around and waste your emotions on her? She's not interested and she wasn't smart enough to avoid this trap (like birth control -- hello!) or "No, we're not getting married." Stupid.

[Tamfana]

She was never responsible for your pursuing her after she said she was not interested in a romantic relationship with you.

 

An old (guy) friend of mine came to visit last summer and did some projects at my house while I was working. Afterward he revealed that his doing projects for me was one of the reasons that we should be a couple. He knew that I didn’t want anything but friendship with him. I said it to him. But years later I find out that all along our friendship was a ploy to convince me to change my mind. It upset me that what I had believed was long term friendship was insincere all along, just playing an angle.

[mantis214]

Yes, I know. Nobody “friendzones” anyone, people simply choose to be in it. This is mostly on me for not having the guts to decline her offer of friendship and walk away without looking back. At the same time, no, I wasn’t skulking around doing favors for her with an ulterior motive of trying to sneak into her pants. I made my intentions crystal clear from day one that I developed late feelings for her and made it known repeatedly.

 

Anyways, a mutual friend of ours went to the wedding and said she looked really, really happy. It was good to hear. Also her hubby might be a bit of a d1ck, but he’s a dermatologist who easily makes 6-figures, so at least he can provide for her. She’ll be just fine.

 

I finally deleted and blocked her on everything after agonizing over my phone for a good 20 minutes or so, and it feels like a load’s been taken off my shoulders. Also going on a date this Saturday, but it’ll still be a challenge not to make subtle comparisons with The One. It’ll get better with time I hope. A friend of mine suggested that I hit up the club or a bar every day for the next month or so and try to talk to as many women as I can to build up an immunity to rejection.