snowcones Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 Hello LS. I have a very dear and long-time friend who I have watched over the years become a hoarder. My friend works full-time and has two school-aged children, but her hoarding started before she had kids. It really is none of my business and I have not said a word to her about it when I have visited her home, but I feel that it is a source of stress and depression for her. She has alluded to this herself and has expressed wanting to clean up the place, but I felt that I didn't have the tools to talk about it properly with her. It's been going on for over 20 years. I know these things can be very emotional and embarrassing and she is a sensitive and prideful type. As the hoarding got worse, so has her depression, to the point where I believe that she no longer invites anyone (including her children's friends) over and feels very isolated and trapped. She comes to us when we want to see her. Her children are growing up fast and they have never been able to have any friends over due to the mess and accumulation. I have watched the TV show "Hoarders" before but I have never felt the urge to recommend her for the show because it just didn't seem like the right kind of help she needs. I've been watching Marie Kondo on Netflix and she seems like exactly kind of reverent help that she needs. I'm not sure if my friend has ever even seen the show before but I would like to at the very least bring the show up to her and urge her to watch it without offending or embarrassing her. How do I do this? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 I wouldn't so much recommend a TV show, but rather I'd approach her with an "I've noticed...are you OK? Do you need help to manage this?" type of talk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 I wouldn't so much recommend a TV show, but rather I'd approach her with an "I've noticed...are you OK? Do you need help to manage this?" type of talk. I don't know why but I don't feel comfortable doing it that way. She hasn't acknowledged yet that there is a problem and I'm not comfortable pointing it out either. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 I don't know why but I don't feel comfortable doing it that way. She hasn't acknowledged yet that there is a problem and I'm not comfortable pointing it out either. I understand. Thing is, as she doesn't invite people over, she would already be aware of the problem, so pointing her in the direction of a TV show isn't going to tell her anything she doesn't already know. Also, consider that Hoarders frequently doesn't show the participants in the most positive light. It's train-wreck TV. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Don't wait too long... If the authorities catch wind of an unhealthy environment for the children, they will remove them from the home. All it takes is one relative, neighbor or school administrator to make a phone call and the children will be removed. Moreover, it isn't fair to the children to have to live in a "Hoarder" situation. Can you help her with the logistics of a cleanup... Do you have a truck?? Can you rent one?? I'd be very worried for the children as you expressed they are "school age", not young adults. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Hate to be a negative nelly, and perhaps some other posters can chime in with positive stories..... But I have never seen a hoarder change their ways, for an extended time at least. This is a symptom of mental illness - and no “cleaning up” will make the mental illness go away. To “cure” hoarding you need to address the mental illness. Therapy, medication etc. My mother in law is a hoarder. My husband and I have cleaned up her house twice now. Tons of man hours, lots of expense, lots of her freaking the hell out after the place was clean each time. And in short order, she refills the house with junk and impulse purchases. Because her BPD is not properly treated, after some therapy she now refuses all treatment. So now it’s just a matter of cleaning up the minimum when the county starts issuing her citations. It’s an endless frustrating cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Hoarding is a mental illness. Not something fixed by a tv show 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Your friend has a mental illness, hoarding is serious and it's not going to go away from her watching marie kondo or the tv show hoarders. Your friend needs counseling and someone who can help her through this. Don't mention the shows, it'll just make her feel worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 I don't know why but I don't feel comfortable doing it that way. She hasn't acknowledged yet that there is a problem and I'm not comfortable pointing it out either. She knows it's a problem, she just won't admit it to you, let alone anybody else. I'm betting her husband and kids are trying to get her help, or have and it hasn't worked. If you don't feel comfortable then don't say anything. But seeing as she's someone you've known and cared about for a long time, there's no harm in saying something about her depression and you've noticed that she hasn't been herself in a while. You can just be there for her for emotional support, a hug, take her for a walk, see a movie etc.. Just don't mention the hoarding right away, you work up to that as time goes along and she opens up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted January 18, 2019 Author Share Posted January 18, 2019 She knows it's a problem, she just won't admit it to you, let alone anybody else. I'm betting her husband and kids are trying to get her help, or have and it hasn't worked. If you don't feel comfortable then don't say anything. But seeing as she's someone you've known and cared about for a long time, there's no harm in saying something about her depression and you've noticed that she hasn't been herself in a while. You can just be there for her for emotional support, a hug, take her for a walk, see a movie etc.. Just don't mention the hoarding right away, you work up to that as time goes along and she opens up to you. I have done that. She denies that she’s depressed. It’s really difficult to get her to open up. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 It’s an endless frustrating cycle. Yes... in my youth I helped clean up a "Hoarding" situation, although back then I think we just called the person a "pack rat". I was a friend of a friend of the person and I had a truck, so I was asked to haul away the junk. I took load after load after load to the dump. It was a several weekend project, but in the end I felt a real sense of accomplishment. In fact, everyone did... we were all "high-fiving" when I took the last load to the dump. Within a year to 18 months the place was filled back up with junk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 You sound like you are being a good friend, unfortunately this isn't something you have the skill set to fix. While the TV show is a creative idea, substituting entertainment for medical help is not a solution. Keep being there for her. Offer to help clean. Be her friend. Be encouraging but don't psychoanalyze. Link to post Share on other sites
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