MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 Hey Loveshackers, I've just been dumped, I don't want to go into details but was wondering if anyone has some support or would like to share what they're going through too. We know getting dumped can hurt and be sad and maybe even a bit of a shock. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 It happens & it sucks. First step: Grieve. Give yourself the rest of the log weekend for a good cry & drown your sorrows in comfort food. Then you start the purge of gathering up all the mementos & either throwing them out or putting them in a box. Hang in there. The acute phase will pass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 It happens & it sucks. First step: Grieve. Give yourself the rest of the log weekend for a good cry & drown your sorrows in comfort food. Then you start the purge of gathering up all the mementos & either throwing them out or putting them in a box. Hang in there. The acute phase will pass. Thank you so much. Any little support is good. I shouldn't think about all the what ifs and the bad things on my part that caused him to not like me and lose interest, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 How long do you think the acute stage will last? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 Do you think it's okay to have a little bit of false hope and letting yourself feel like things are as before, to help mask the pain? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 I have no idea how long the acute stage will last. Grief doesn't operate on a calendar. For the 1st couple of days whatever gets you through the night. I'd wait a bit on the self reflection. Right now you just get to have a pity party. Seriously. It's really OK to be all dramatic & sad for the next 24-48 hours. Don't let it spill over to work & don't call in sick but at home. .. . go ahead wallow. By next weekend you kinda gotta pull yourself together at least on the outside. You don't have to be happy but all the drama & crying & carrying on that you are allowed right now has to stop. That is when you begin your healing in earnest: Purge. Rearrange your living space. Move -- go for walks, exercise, etc. At this stage I would always plan -- hobbies I wanted to get back into, I'd start setting up something with my single friends to help me get through Valentine's day. I recommend dinner in a non-romantic place (think diner) & an action film (not a chick flick or romance). One of my best newly single & very upset Valentine's days was spent at home eating great chocolate & other decadent treats, listening to Love Stinks, drinking wine & throwing darts at a picture of my EX I taped to a dart board. It was really cathartic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 There's nothing I can do or say to change the way another person feels about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) I have no idea how long the acute stage will last. Grief doesn't operate on a calendar. <snip> Thank you. It sucks to know I didn't make it. Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 I've decided this is my personal thread of sharing feelings. Anyone else is free to chip in too. I must always think of it as being that he DOES NOT CARE about me or about how we aren't together. Someone can drill that in to me if you like. Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 Hi Meadowflower, welcome. Breakups suck a lot, especially if you're on the receiving end. The first period is horrible, just for the shear amount of emotions that you feel. For me, this time period usually lasts a few weeks. My opinion on the best way to deal? Go ahead and feel whatever you need to feel right now. Cry, lay in bed, whatever. At least try to take a shower and leave the house once a day though. It will make you feel better. I agree with d0nnivain. At some point, you need to at least pick yourself up and try to put on a good face. Doesn't mean you have to feel fine, just try to look better. Don't be that woman crying in the bathroom at work, at least not daily. I also think that whatever you need to think to yourself to self soothe is fine, especially in the beginning. And whatever you have to do to keep from calling or texting your ex. In fact, right now, it might be best to write their number on a piece of paper and remove their number from your phone. Then hide the piece of paper. You don't want to text them something in a moment of weakness; at least this makes it harder. A lot of people on this site are big fans of blocking and deleting, but that can take a bit of time to get there (if you get there, some people don't need to). Read things on this board, there are lots of stories of people succeeding with no contact. Which usually means they were able to move on. There's a great one that's helped me a lot called "I feel so rejected". No contact is SO important. Read the no contact guide -- it's really good too and will make you feel better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 Unless you've been dumped before for the same reason, don't go blaming yourself and thinking, What did I do wrong? What didn't I have? Always remember every person is different and has different ideas of what they want in a relationship. It's not like in the movies. One person wants someone exciting, the next wants someone like their mother to just take care of them. Don't let it erode your self-worth, in other words, because what's poison for one guy is pudding to the next! It helps to remember that even though you may not understand what happened, he just realized before you did that you were not a good match. He knew something you didn't know, he wanted something you had no way of knowing, or he just has this vision in his head he's trying to match and needs to mature and realize the dream woman doesn't exist. There are people who can, as an old 60s band wrote, "love the one you're with" and people who keep following the dream of the ideal person that lives in there head. There are also shallow people, who maybe are just so simple that they think, I just don't see myself with a blond for ever after." Again, vision in their head, OR using the other person as a trophy. So just know that it wasn't the right person for you. If it was, he'd still be there. That's all. The longer you date, the more you find out about a person and your compatibility, so sometimes things start off great but then fall apart as the dating behavior falls away and you really get to know each other. Anyway, sorry you're hurting. We've all been there. Just don't keep hanging on. Mourn and then make yourself start socialing as soon as possible and keep moving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 I shouldn't think about all the what ifs and the bad things on my part that caused him to not like me and lose interest, right? Unless you know otherwise, my guess is that you did nothing wrong at all and it's just a compatibility issue. I'm sure you're the perfect woman for someone else xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 He hasn't replied to my last messages... Maybe he never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 (edited) @nolanola, thank you for that. I have actually been bad in that I've asked him to still come to my town (it's long distance), I've also broken other dumpee rules. It's only been the first night and part day, do you think that would have damaged any slim change of getting together in the future? I might actually do what you suggested about the number, if I can with the phone I have. I want to save all our WhatsApp messages though before deleting the thread, if I were to delete the messages, though I'm not sure it's possible with WhatsApp. Also when you say NC is SO important you mean in the sense of helping yourself to heal and move on? By the way I have liked your post, but I'm not sure it's working. Edited January 20, 2019 by MeadowFlower Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 20, 2019 Author Share Posted January 20, 2019 @preraph, don't keep hanging on is good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 Ah, so it's long distance. Most likely it was the distance which became too much and wasn't anything you did wrong at all. Long distance is difficult for the best of us. Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 @nolanola, thank you for that. I have actually been bad in that I've asked him to still come to my town (it's long distance), I've also broken other dumpee rules. It's only been the first night and part day, do you think that would have damaged any slim change of getting together in the future? I might actually do what you suggested about the number, if I can with the phone I have. I want to save all our WhatsApp messages though before deleting the thread, if I were to delete the messages, though I'm not sure it's possible with WhatsApp. Also when you say NC is SO important you mean in the sense of helping yourself to heal and move on? By the way I have liked your post, but I'm not sure it's working. It's ok that you have broken "the rules". Almost everyone does at first because it's just too hard to just pick yourself up and walk away totally. However, the BEST thing you can do right now is to go no contact. It is also the hardest thing to do. No contact, or "NC", serves several purposes: 1) gives you some breathing room from the situation, 2) helps you to move on and get over the breakup, and 3) has effects on the dumper. Most people focus on #3 and, in my opinion, that's fine if that's what it takes. Particularly if you've "broken the rules" by begging, pleading, crying, whatever, going silent can be a very strong message to the dumper. It basically says that you're moving on and putting your foot down. It basically says "you want me out of your life? so be it". This is the thing that keeps me going the most. Basically, make them live the reality of breaking up with you: that means you are not in their life anymore. However, NC also helps you. By putting some distance between yourself and the situation (and the dumper), you can start to deal with the emotions of the situation and to see things more clearly. You actually have a huge advantage being long distance. You don't have to worry about running into your ex. Most people struggle a lot with NC. They just can't let things be. But, I would be willing to bet that no one in the history of the world ever got their ex back by begging, pleading, sending random messages, showing up where their ex happens to be, or anything like that. So if your goal is to get your ex back, you still have to go NC. Read the boards here. See how many people are upset with themselves after breaking NC and how much longer it makes the process. If you can go NC and just focus on yourself for a while (I know this is hard), I will almost guarantee he will contact you. It might take a while and it will likely be lame ("hey"), but I can almost guarantee it will happen. Hopefully, by that time you will feel better about it all and you'll just laugh about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 @nolanola I know in some people's view, I shouldn't be thinking about him coming back, but do you think the chances are slimmer because: a) There is someone else he likes and has a connection with and b) I asked him to still come to my town (on a already planned trip) and also said things like, 'maybe you will change your mind about me'. Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 There's no way to tell what will happen with his new situation. However, I can almost guarantee what will happen if you keep contacting him: he will be reassured that you're in the background if this new thing doesn't work out. So he gets to start something with this new woman WITH the backup plan that you're around if he changes his mind. That is not good enough for you!! Don't be someone's backup and don't give him that satisfaction. If he wants to date someone new that he has a "connection" with, then let him. I can almost guarantee that when that situation goes sideways or starts getting boring or whatever, he will be back and sniffing around to see if you're still there waiting. Please don't give him that satisfaction. He does not deserve it. I understand wanting someone back, believe me. But right now, he's not treating you as you deserve to be treated. If he wants to get it together, apologize profusely, make it up to you, and ask you to be back together, then he can do that. Until then, this situation is not good enough. People go through the craziest and most awful breakups and get back together. So there's always a chance. However, it usually seems like there is a long period of no contact in there too. I would assume the relationship is over and try as hard as you can to go on with your life. If he wants to get himself together and treat you right, then you can reconsider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 @nolanola We weren't technically in a relationship. And I had declined being in one with him more than once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 Always think he DOES NOT miss me and never will . Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) Hi MeadowFlower, You're probably in shock right now. Most often, the initial pain is so overwhelming that many people go into denial and convince themselves of something that brings them hope that their ex may come back. But as time passes and things remain as they are, it becomes harder to hope and truth re-emerges. Most people at this point will feel depressed and often cope using anger and/or they will go numb. It all feels strange but it's important to remember, it's all natural. It's all part of grieving and it's how you process your pain and move through it. One day you'll wake up and realize, the pain hurts a little bit less. That'll be the day you know you'll be okay. The best thing you can do right now is to stay in NC and take it easy. It's going to be a rough ride so you'll need all your energy to heal. When you get sad, try to find joy in the simple pleasures. A warm tea. A warm shower. A walk. Don't bombard your life with a busy schedule and block your thoughts. You need to feel your pain to heal from it. If you don't do that, you rob yourself of healing and you'll end up dealing with the pain at a later date. As I've told many who seek advice, these things aren't decided overnight. He thought about breaking up for awhile while he was with you. It's not because he's confused. Don't try to be friends with him, it's not going to happen. Your heart is broken and you have feelings and the only way to get better is space and time. A friendship is just a false proposal, that is really about him soothing his guilt and trying to feel less like an a** and/or keeping you as a backup plan incase his future pursuits don't work out. It's also about you hoping that if you stay in touch with him, he may change his mind. Makes the friendship non-existent because it becomes insincere. He knows this and therefore he knows by accepting such a terrible deal, you are devaluing yourself just to be with him which makes you look desperate and makes him lose the remaining feelings or respect for you. Overall, while you think you might have a chance if you take the friendship, you actually do quite the opposite. The silence will bring about his anxiety and he will think about you. It may be in the form of "Did I make a mistake?" or "I wonder what she's up to" when he doesn't hear from you in awhile. That much I know for sure. But don't hope for him to come back to you. Like I said, they thought about ending it for a awhile. It was well-thought out decision. Guilt or doubts or fear or anxiety is what brings that back and it's often for self-serving reasons. Don't want to sit around, waiting. It'll be a waste of your life. Simply walk away and wish him well. Give him what he wants and let him deal with the silence and the reality of his decision. Let him decide what he wants to do. It's not your problem anymore. He disconnected from you so you have to disconnect from him. But don't do NC to manipulate him back. Do it for you, to help you heal. To help you get your mind back to full form so that you don't miss out on all the great things that can potentially fly your way just because your stuck in your past. If he flat out came to you and admits to his mistakes and is direct about wanting to give it another try and why..this may be an exception. Anything less of that is a waste of your time. All in all, I know how hurt you are and I am sorry you are in so much pain. I know my advice is a bit dry and blunt but I've had to learn this stuff over the years the hard way. I don't wish the pain I went through because of inexperience onto anyone else. Stay Strong and post here whenever you need it. - Beach Edited January 21, 2019 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 @nolanola We weren't technically in a relationship. And I had declined being in one with him more than once. I am highly confused. If you don't want to be in a relationship, then why are you upset that he's talking to another woman? Just curious what you are expecting from this man? Part of the deal is that if you don't commit to someone, they have the option to see other people. Maybe some more information on your situation is needed here... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 @Beachead, I felt something when I read some of this part, "He thought about breaking up for awhile while he was with you. It's not because he's confused." Not a positive feeling. It kinda sucks because at first I said I didn't want him to still come to my town, and then I asked him twice if he was still going to come. And even said, 'please do.' Do you think that would've made him lose any remaining feelings and respect for me? Also, he wasn't asking to be friends. Thanks Beachead It's good to focus on healing and be assured (as much as one can be) that it IS over for good, rather than thinking it might not be over or that he might come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeadowFlower Posted January 21, 2019 Author Share Posted January 21, 2019 (edited) I am highly confused. If you don't want to be in a relationship, then why are you upset that he's talking to another woman? Just curious what you are expecting from this man? Part of the deal is that if you don't commit to someone, they have the option to see other people. Maybe some more information on your situation is needed here... You don't understand me, and understandably so. We'll just leave it there. Thank you for your advice. Oh, and what did you find encouraging in the thread you mentioned earlier. I found it in search, but haven't read it all Edited January 21, 2019 by MeadowFlower Link to post Share on other sites
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