Support

[nolanola]

You don't understand me, and understandably so. We'll just leave it there. Thank you for your advice.

 

Oh, and what did you find encouraging in the thread you mentioned earlier. I found it in search, but haven't read it all

 

Read it all the way to the end and I think you will have some understanding of how and why NC works.

 

Good luck to you

[MeadowFlower]

@Beachead, "But don't hope for him to come back to you. Like I said, they thought about ending it for a awhile. It was well-thought out decision." Ouch... There is SOME hope though isn't there? That he could change his decision?

[Beachead]

@Meadowflower

 

There's always hope..but hope is no guarantee. Are you willing to put your life on hold for a maybe?

 

For your sanity, I recommend you embrace the worst case scenario and resume as if there isn't any hope.

 

You will have to emotionally deplete yourself until holding on becomes too hard and letting go is the relief, rather than the other way around. After that, the hard part of your grief is over. The rest will be far simpler.

 

Stay strong.

 

- Beach

Edited January 21, 2019 by Beachead

[MeadowFlower]

He just messaged me and said he's not going to come, and etc. I didn't reply.

He is definite about it being over.

It's amazing how things can change.

[MeadowFlower]

I also have guilt about some thing/s.

 

This is a quote,

"Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass."

 

Daniell Koepke

[d0nnivain]

@nolanola We weren't technically in a relationship. And I had declined being in one with him more than once.

 

Always think he DOES NOT miss me and never will .

 

Now I'm confused. If he wanted a relationship & you rejected him more than once, did you really think he was going to stick around forever?

 

You don't know that he doesn't miss you but I think he finally got sick & tired of not being able to have you so he found his spine & walked away.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting over this but do you understand that if you had maybe tried with him, that he'd still be in your life?

 

I take it back when I told you not to dwell on the "what ifs". It does sound like self reflection is in order here. You don't have to publicly share but you do need to get a handle on why you repeatedly pushed him away.

[MeadowFlower]

<snip>

I take it back when I told you not to dwell on the "what ifs". It does sound like self reflection is in order here. You don't have to publicly share but you do need to get a handle on why you repeatedly pushed him away.

 

Thanks for making me feel better... not.

 

Shouldn't have shared on LS.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

You have to share with somebody. I am trying to understand so that I can help you. I was not trying to rub salt in your wound but to help you process so that you don't make the same mistake next time.

 

Losing somebody out of your life sucks & it's painful but if you pushed the person out, . . .it's a bit different.

 

Do you want him back? Are you now open to a full on exclusive relationship with him & all that entails? Have you told him that? Is there a back story I'm missing?

[MeadowFlower]

He's not coming back.

 

----------

 

@d0nnivain I may reply later. Also, is it okay if I pm you?

[MeadowFlower]

He was going to come to my city in Feb and had tickets booked. On the 9th Jan he said he couldn't wait to see me, he also said that same day that he was getting really excited to see me again. On the 20/21 Jan, it was over. He doesn't like me special. Both legitimately so. And he has developed feelings for someone else. Someone who is in a similar situation to him and he's received a lot of support.

[MeadowFlower]

It sucks!!!!!!!!!

[MeadowFlower]

Saw this on the NC thread, "The past is the past. You can not hold on to the things they have said or done, as that is part of the past. It doesn't matter if they said you are the love of their lives, it doesn't matter what endearments they have uttered ... you must go on with what they said at the time of break up. They don't want you to be a part of their lives for whatever reason ... remember that." - sportynut38

[MeadowFlower]

I'm going to the hairdresser's today, get straighten and trim.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you! Self care is important.

[MeadowFlower]

I'm going camping soon and will be out of range for the internet, don't do anything fun without me.

[abotha5]

How long do you think the acute stage will last?

 

Its been 4 months and I still get sad and some days cry. I had a 4 year relationship. Experts say it could take up to 2 years

[Twizzlestick]

The up 2 two years is really important to me. I have to know I will feel ok one day, and able to look back without feeling too much. 11 years with a soul mate. Feel cursed. Like I’m destined to be like Mrs Havisham in Great Expectations.

 

I read extremely unhelpful articles about half the time of the rele. That’s 6 years. I couldn’t survive 6 years like this I dint know what would happen.

 

So under two years is much more hopeful for me.

[MeadowFlower]

Thanks(not) for not choosing me.

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Break up are the absolute worst. I always wish there was something I could say to take away the pain, but instead I will send big hugs thru LS.

 

May you find some peace during this storm. Hugs.

[fieldoflavender]

I think in some ways, I may still be affected although not actively grieving a long term relationship break-up almost 2 years ago. But the acute "I feel like absolute crap" stage does get better after a few months.

[MeadowFlower]

I'm looking forward to going on my trip next month. Which is to his city, it was already booked.

[fieldoflavender]

It's ok that you have broken "the rules". Almost everyone does at first because it's just too hard to just pick yourself up and walk away totally. However, the BEST thing you can do right now is to go no contact. It is also the hardest thing to do.<snip>

 

I would like to say that out of my 3 ex's - none have ever contacted me after NC. I've even approached one and they ignored me.

 

So like I don't believe in that whole "they will definitely contact you". And my first ex was 5 years ago and he is married now...so I would assume he ain't gonna do it now =P

 

I think just do it for yourself. I don't think about that first ex anymore obviously (I'm no home wrecker lmao) but seriously it's so long ago and even though it took me a year to get over him - I'm totally over him. Married or not. Doesn't matter - it was a long part of my past. And even if he gets divorced or whatever, doesn't matter - I don't need him to contact me ever again in this lifetime. I ran into him in the elevator a few years back and we didn't even say hi - well I don't know if he wanted to, but again it's pointless. What is done is done.

 

And honestly people rarely change their minds. If they do, then so be it. But you really have to move on for yourself.

Edited February 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[nolanola]

@fieldsoflavender, I had one ex come back after 18 years (after he was married for at least 10 of those years). Of course, by then I could not have cared less about him and was confused as to why he was contacting me.

 

I completely agree that NC is ultimately for the person that was dumped. It helps you to move on and heal yourself. In my experience, pretty much all of my exes have "come back" in some way later, but it's not usually an attempt to get back together, that I can tell. It's more an attempt to see what you're doing, to re-establish contact, or soothe their conscience, whatever. However, I think a lot of people struggle with NC and can't seem to keep at it. So I think whatever you need to tell yourself at first to keep going, that's what you do. Some people are NC ninjas and can just walk away without a second glance. I've never been that way. I'm an anxious person and I find that the obsessive thoughts are pretty tough. So, for me, what you quoted is how I view NC and it has helped me a lot.

 

I find, that if you stay NC, you do get over the person and start to feel a sense of peace about them. Or indifference maybe. And, for me, that's always when they've reached out. But then again, maybe that has to do with the men I've dated. I've had several back and forth, on and off relationships. So it makes more sense that those guys would come back, because that's the nature of our relationship.

 

With one ex, if I saw him in an elevator, I would probably ignore him too. Sometimes things are just done It took me years of NC to get to the point that I never wanted to see him again.

[MeadowFlower]

Just **** off.

 

(Not to you LS people of course)

[MeadowFlower]

In eleven days I'll be going to his city. I could have this mindset while I'm there that, he doesn't exist and he never existed.