My 40-Yr-Old G/F Still Lives w/Parents, But Rips Me for Not Having my Life Together

[Reltubsirch0412]

So my 40-year-old girlfriend saw a copy of my resume the other day. I'm the same age she is. In my 20s I stayed at a certain job for two years. After two years I'd learned everything I could have learned. There were no opportunities for promotion. I left not only to learn new things from more qualified people in my field but also for better pay.

 

About 11 years ago I did stumble. Two jobs in a row didn't work out because my prior job history didn't prepare me for them (both jobs lasted roughly four months). And then I got laid off from another job in 2008 when the national economy tanked and was out of work for six months. NOBODY back then was hiring.

 

I had a job from 2009 to 2010 for a year and a half, but I was unhappy with it, didn't think I was living to my full potential and took another higher-paying job....where I stayed for seven years. That job ended due to budget cuts. I had another job that lasted for almost a year. It, too, ended due to budget cuts. I've had my current job since August of last year.

 

I know my resume isn't spotless, but I haven't had any real problems in almost 12 years. Every other job that I left involuntarily was due to budget cuts. It happens. Especially when you work in the private sector.

 

Enter my girlfriend. Again, she is 40. An only child. Aside from two years when she was married she has spent her entire adult life living with her parents. Her father makes half a million dollars a year, and that is about five to 10 times more than most people make. She was her dad's secretary for 15 years....but only because her dad committed adultery with all of his other secretaries. Her mom got wind of the affairs and forced her husband to hire my girlfriend (his own daughter) as his secretary. She's the only woman on earth her dad won't try to sleep with, of course.

 

To her credit, my g/f did go to cosmetology school, and was a hair stylist for a couple of years, but she had to give it up because she learned she was color blind and couldn't color women's hair (although I think she could have made a good living getting a job at a Sports Clips for Men or some such place, cutting men's hair only). Now, she's living off her dad's money, doing some part-time online work from home and making $1,000 a month from it all. She has luxuries even most middle-class people couldn't afford that her parents bought for her, I'm certain. She doesn't pay rent. She currently doesn't have a full-time job, although she is going to some Internet college to learn a white-collar job. She has no intentions of moving out of her parents house and says if we marry we will live on her parents' property (in a separate apartment unit).

 

Anyway, she saw my resume and she has a REAL problem with the fact that, with one exception, I haven't had a job that lasted more than five years. Now she's threatening to end the relationship.

 

I think she's so spoiled and so sheltered that she has no idea what it's like to support yourself in the private sector.

 

My questions:

 

(1) I think the days of people working for years and years and years for the same company are long over. In today's world, I think most people can only stay with one company for a few years before they move on to something bigger and better and with better pay. Am I wrong about that? Or does my girlfriend have a point that me moving around every two years or so is bad? Keep in mind, I did have one job for seven years

 

(2) Is my 40-year-old girlfriend, who (1) has lived with her parents most of her adult life,(2) only had a long-term job due to nepotism, spoiled and sheltered from reality? Or is this normal?

 

I know this sounds crazy, but she and I do have remarkable chemistry and, despite her problems, I do love her.

[BaileyB]

I don’t disagree with anything you have written. I think you know the answer to your own question...

 

If you don’t like the fact that this woman has a poor work ethic and has been enabled for years to maintain a lifestyle that she can not afford... And if you don’t like the fact that she is unrealistically critical of you and your previous work history... Then, there is nothing saying that you have to date her.

[thefooloftheyear]

The "problem" with your g/f is that she is measuring you up against her dad, who is obviously well accomplished, wealthy etc.....Don't feel bad, she will do this with all of her boyfriends I am sure...It doesn't matter that he's a horn-dog, as a matter of fact, in a twisted way that makes him even a more desirable guy in her eyes..(not in an incestuous way-just that he's probably got a lot of alpha qualities)...

 

You just have to decide if it's worth it to always be in that shadow...It won't be easy.....as you are finding out...

 

This may not be what you want..

 

TFY

[losangelena]

Well she certainly has unrealistic expectations.

[PRW]

Sounds like she got fired from her job as "wife" after only two years and can only seem to keep a job if she is working for her dad where it is pretty hard to get fired.

[Simple Logic]

Without knowing what occupational field you are in and how much you earn I do not believe anyone can comment. The average salary in the US is $57K. At 40+ years old entering the peak of your earning potential in the private sector you should be earning at least twice the average.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Your job history sounds fairly typical of the modern economy. Your girlfriend sounds spoiled and delusional, and I bet if you marry her you'll end up as a disposable appendage to her existing marriage to her father. She and daddy will dictate everything, and you'll never be able to measure up or gain any real traction as the man in her life.

 

You haven't mentioned anything about your housing situation, debt to income ratio, etc. But assuming you have all of that pretty well under control and her complaint is simply that you haven't been working for the same company for decades... I would turn all of her criticisms around on her and point out that she seems to be projecting her OWN inability to independently keep her feet under her, onto you. You've made a living for yourself in spite of having to change jobs. She gave up and ran back to mommy and daddy when she couldn't hack it in the real world - as a wife OR an employee.

 

And then I would dump her and find a younger, hotter, and more grateful specimen.

[Mr. Lucky]

(1) I think the days of people working for years and years and years for the same company are long over. In today's world, I think most people can only stay with one company for a few years before they move on to something bigger and better and with better pay. Am I wrong about that? Or does my girlfriend have a point that me moving around every two years or so is bad? Keep in mind, I did have one job for seven years

 

(2) Is my 40-year-old girlfriend, who (1) has lived with her parents most of her adult life,(2) only had a long-term job due to nepotism, spoiled and sheltered from reality? Or is this normal?

 

Two separate issues here with very little overlap.

 

Were I interviewing you, your job history would be a red flag. Hard to follow your timeline but it looks like you've had 8-10 jobs, the majority of which didn't last very long. I'd have concerns about your stability.

 

Secondly, your GF certainly seems to give herself a pass on the same standards she seems eager to hold you to. And the fact she's threatening to walk is an even more immature response.

 

If you stay in the relationship, do so with eyes open...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I hope you haven't tried to reason with her or begged her not to reconsider ending the relationship. When faced with someone who's being unreasonable, hold on to your dignity.

[BaileyB]

I hope you haven't tried to reason with her or begged her not to reconsider ending the relationship. When faced with someone who's being unreasonable, hold on to your dignity.

 

That’s good advice, if ever I’ve heard any...

[chillii]

It's been my experience that someone with a light pole stuck up their nose usually don't change.

 

And the fact that she still lives at home at that age and has never been out in the real world struggling and building a life on her own without daddy and her comforts like the rest of us, will pretty well guarantee it sorry to say.

Personally l think you'd really be doing yourself a favor in letting her go, especially with her stomping her feet like that already, as they say, it's only just begun.

 

PS , btw some of the biggest names in history did all sorts of things before they found their niche, but you'll never get her believing that even if you show her proof.

Edited January 20, 2019 by chillii

[Reltubsirch0412]

Two separate issues here with very little overlap.

 

Were I interviewing you, your job history would be a red flag. Hard to follow your timeline but it looks like you've had 8-10 jobs, the majority of which didn't last very long. I'd have concerns about your stability.

 

Secondly, your GF certainly seems to give herself a pass on the same standards she seems eager to hold you to. And the fact she's threatening to walk is an even more immature response.

 

If you stay in the relationship, do so with eyes open...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not counting the job I currently have, I have had THREE jobs the past 10 years, none of which I was fired or terminated from. The last two jobs ended due to budget cuts.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

Now she's threatening to end the relationship.

 

 

Based on that one sentence alone if I were in your shoes I would end the relationship. I wouldn't care if she did have a steady career and her own place that she pay out of her own money without help. I would say to her

 

"I can't be with a girlfriend who threatens to breakup over my past which I cannot change therefore this relationship is over"

 

Breakup threats should not be tolerated. Especially if she chose to threaten without first hearing about what you have went through.

 

You want someone who is going to love you for you. Now I believe people should work on themselves and keep baggage in check to the best of their ability so they won't be a liability on any partner that chooses to be with them regardless but overall partners that agree to be together should accept each other's flaws/baggage whatever you want to call it. And if she wants to threaten then you should make good on that threat by making it happen. And don't feel the need to explain yourself to her since she took it as far as breaking up.

 

That's not to say that she is "wrong" for breaking up if she so choose. People have their own set of standards and deal breakers that should be respected. But on your end your standard for a relationship should be a woman who doesn't threaten to breakup over something you can't change. It would be different if you kept purposely quitting jobs and actively didn't want to work at all. I would think if you were doing that and she was threatening to breakup I would hope you would instead see her side and either shape up or let her go if you have no plans in shaping up. But that's just not the case here.

 

If this was a relationship discussion and she had some questions then by all means explain your past. Also if she has valid questions about the future if you guys are talking about marriage then that should be explained as well. Was her complaint more so geared towards how married life is going to be and how y'all are going to handle the finances? Well that's a different conversation and depending on your answer I can imagine that would lead to a heated discussion. Maybe she wanted to know that there was going to be consistent stability and questioned that reality by what your past showed. Only you know how it all went down.

 

Explaining yourself and trying to resolve conflict is better suited in relationship discussion but once someone says "I think we should breakup". That just should not be taken lightly. if she went straight to threatening the end of the relationship without little information besides seeing your resume then you should give her what she wants (breakup), you have nothing else to talk about, and you should go and find someone else who is more understanding and willing to be with you checkered job history and all and if she wants to come back correct with an apology and actually listen and actually accept what can't be changed thennnn yall can reconcile and continue the relationship (if you want) and come up with a solution if needed about any concerns of the future.

 

I know you love the woman. But you want a woman who loves and RESPECTS you and want to be with you. Threats of breaking up breaks down the want to be with you (and high possibility the respect). That ain't want you want or need.

 

I'm just not a big fan of allowing partners to use tactics (whether knowingly or unknowingly) that promotes fear and breaks down your self worth. Threats in general is one of those tactics. And sometimes people emotionally in argument become irrational but you got to teach people how to treat you and when a person threatens to breakup? Trying to convince how they should keep you or not to breakup with you or that their view is wrong doesn't teach them. You have to stand up for your self worth when a partner comes against it. If you don't want to breakup cold turkey at the least you should call her damn bluff. "If your not willing to understand me and discuss this and come up with a resolution with me then maybe we should breakup because threatening me is never okay". That invites a willingness to resolve together but also calls her out for the threat and shows a willingness to walk.

 

Take a stand for your self worth and only accept partners that stand with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not counting the job I currently have, I have had THREE jobs the past 10 years, none of which I was fired or terminated from. The last two jobs ended due to budget cuts.

 

Hey, no judgement, just trying to explain how it might look from the other side of the desk. You might easily find yourself in a pool of candidates who's job history, on the surface, seemed more stable. Such is life and that criteria is but one factor in the hiring process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ajax]

Now she's threatening to end the relationship.

 

 

Maybe you'd be happier if she did. Relationships built on this kind of dynamic (insecurity, irresponsibility, double standards, threats) are abusive and miserable.

 

You'd no doubt be happier with someone who appreciates you and what you bring to a relationship, not someone who's never really had to work for what she has and who holds you to a higher standard than she holds herself.

 

Good luck!

[amaysngrace]

She should have explored her own independence way before now.

 

I’d say she’s damaged goods.

[BC1980]

Is my 40-year-old girlfriend, who (1) has lived with her parents most of her adult life,(2) only had a long-term job due to nepotism, spoiled and sheltered from reality? Or is this normal.

 

I have a cousin like this. He's in his 30s and has worked for one year of his life. He basically freeloads off of his parents. I think there are a fair amount of people that do this. But here's my take. I think she is accustomed to a certain lifestyle that her parents have provided. She is uncertain that you can provide that lifestyle, which is why she's scrutinizing your resume and wants to live on her parents' property if you get married.

[bathtub-row]

I think your work history is problematic, to a point. You should try to establish more years at a company than you’ve done. If the market is too volatile for your line of work, maybe you should change it or go into business for yourself. I would hesitate to hire someone who can only stay on one place, consistently, for a year or two. You can downplay that somewhat by only going back about 10 yrs on your resume, which will accentuate the one long-term job you had.

 

Having said all that, your gf sounds spoiled and entitled and she’s really in no position to point the finger at you. However, she obviously expects the man to fully take care of her because that’s what she’s been taught. I see this all the time with people who have a lot of money. They fail to teach their children what took they themselves years to learn. It’s the absolute biggest disservice they could ever do to their children. But you’re not going to undo the bad upbringing she’s had.

[Reltubsirch0412]

I think your work history is problematic, to a point. You should try to establish more years at a company than you’ve done. If the market is too volatile for your line of work, maybe you should change it or go into business for yourself. I would hesitate to hire someone who can only stay on one place, consistently, for a year or two. You can downplay that somewhat by only going back about 10 yrs on your resume, which will accentuate the one long-term job you had.

 

.

 

As I said, all the jobs I've had the past 10 years ended due to budget cuts, and not because I was fired. I am very mindful of the importance of staying at my current job and will try to stay as long as I can, at least a couple of years. But if a better opportunity comes up then I will consider it.

 

I'll just say it. I'm a journalist. The industry has taken a beating the past 10 years, for reasons many of you already know. Many of my colleagues are in my predicament. Lots and lots of layoffs, through no fault of our own. I've tried hard to transition into other lines of work, but it's easier said than done. Some of these jobs require skills I'm not trained for. I could take classes or teach myself a few new things, but I also work 80 hours a week and don't have a lot of free time. Easier said than done.

 

I am planting one seed on the side that will hopefully sprout into something big in terms of going into business myself.....but it will take time to develop, assuming it's successful.

[bathtub-row]

I hear you and now that you’ve stated what type of work you do, I can see where that would be highly competitive. I would normally say that, even with budget cuts, companies are going to let their newer and/or less valuable employees go first. In your case, I’m not sure that applies fully because of what you do. I hope your other thing works out but I wold venture to say that you have a wider range of skills than you’re aware of.

[bradt93]

I have a cousin like this. He's in his 30s and has worked for one year of his life. He basically freeloads off of his parents. I think there are a fair amount of people that do this. But here's my take. I think she is accustomed to a certain lifestyle that her parents have provided. She is uncertain that you can provide that lifestyle, which is why she's scrutinizing your resume and wants to live on her parents' property if you get married.

Does he go to school? because I live at home and I go to college.

[ChatroomHero]

Others have nailed it, she sees you don't have the level of success her dad has and she wants that from you. She is a secretary and a failed cosmetologist, living with her parents at 40.

 

 

Ask her to analyze herself and her dad doesn't account in the equation. What is her overall worth compared to yours, not her dad's worth compared to yours.

 

 

I would say you are financially incompatible and that is not a knock on you.