How do you move on after being lead on for 4 years?

[AsheSky]

Hi, before you think I am blaming her for leading me on, I am not. I am very well aware that it takes two people to do that, and I am as responsible as her.

 

When I was 16 and she was 14, though I was not the one who made the first move, I told this girl (let me call her Annie), who I knew since I was a kid, that I had feelings for her and she replied saying that she also had feelings for me. We talked a lot about the future (the ideal marriage, the ideal family, the names of children we'd have, blah blah). Since we both come from religious families, she said it was best if we stalled (and I absolutely agreed with her, and I was glad I found someone who I knew (or thought) would wait until marriage before getting physical) and wait until the end of our studies to come out and tell everyone we want to get married.

 

For the next 4 years, we remained very close. We'd hang out a lot, talk about our personal problems, help each other out for our studies, etc. For me (and I also thought that it was her case since she's the one who asked me to stall), it was best not to send any "I love you" or "I miss you" messages, as I knew that if we got caught, we'd have big problems. And, honestly, I didn't need all that Hollywood crap to get attached to her. I loved her personality, her flaws, her weaknesses and, though she was not the most beautiful women I had ever seen, I still found her magnificent and I was happy with what I had. When I was 20, I told Annie I was glad she was going to start University too and then, when she'd be done with it, we'd "come out" as we once said. She told me she didn't have the same feelings she used to, and though I was devastated, I told her I respected her decision. Whilst she wanted to remain friends, I said no. I spent the following 2 years dealing with depression (I would have panic attacks, insomnia,...).

 

I then discovered through my sister (since she used to be Annie's BFF) that Annie told my sis she knew it would never work between us (since 2014, so that's when I was 17) and that she fancied and had feelings for some other guy. I confronted Annie and asked her if all that was true. She said "I didn't lead you on, I didn't have stories with other guys. I had no desire to be hurtful or untruthful. I've tried reaction maturely to the situation and, apologies, but no matter what I tell you now, the lies will keep filling your head. I've taken some time to assess some things on my own and realized this was not something I wanted to jump into. Whilst I understand why you're reacting the way you do, I don't appreciate having to justify myself for something you were told by others". I felt really bad and I actually apologized, but no reply. A few months later, my sis showed me proof of what she was telling, so I knew Annie lied. I asked her again why she waited so many years to tell me the truth and why she waited so much time to end things with me. Here's what she said: "I appreciate you want clarification so I think the first thing to clarify is that nothing actually happened between us. Yes, when I was 13 or so, there was this conversation where you said you liked me and I said that too. That's it. There was nothing more. No talk about the future, no formalization, no nothing. When I told you I had feelings for you, I was experiencing things for the first time and tell you I loved you did not mean for me that we were in a relationship, and thus there was nothing for me to "end". I'm sorry you are hurt, however, I feel this situation was blown out of proportion as the truth is, nothing really happened, just two people telling each other they have feelings but no actions were taken." I tried convincing her at first that "Yes, there was something", but she ghosted me, so there's nothing I can really do.

 

Besides, I realize now that, since we never did anything physical, since it is true we didn't do anything in terms of actions, I realize now that perhaps I am the one who took things way too seriously. Granted she's the one who asked me to stall (though she either forgot about it, or wants to), but still, she's right that we didn't do anything a real couple does (apart from being close friends). We did discuss about the future (though again, I don't know why she says we didn't), but nothing more. After all, I am guessing she had just a teenage crush on me, but I completely fell for her, and thus ended up being hurt more. I also realize in retrospect that I was an open book to her, but she hasn't been to me (and again, I found that mystery attractive). Whilst I agree that she could have been clear with her intentions, dwelling on it isn't' the solution for me. After all, I can only look at my mistakes and try not to make the same ones in the future. However, I am completely "broken", as in I can't stop thinking about her or missing her. She was and still is my "first love" and every time I think about this it hurts me a lot. I feel fooled some days and curse her a lot, and sometimes I feel I am the one who's a fooling for taking things too far.

 

How do I move on from this? I am angry at both myself and her (at myself first because I took things too seriously and I feel like I fooled myself... and I'm furious at her because her clarifications come way too late, she should've been honest from the beginning and could have avoided me a lot of pain). That's something I've trying to do for quite some time now, but I don't think my condition has been getting better and I came here a little bit out of desperation, as I really don't know what to do.

[FMW]

Find a counselor that can walk you through things and help you to start moving on.

 

It will take some time but you've wasted far too much of your energy and emotion on this and are surely missing out on really living your life and recognizing opportunities.

[d0nnivain]

You move on from this by realizing a few things.

 

You need to take an action to build a relationship. You can't just sit there, being friends with a girl & wistfully longing for her, thinking that she shares your feelings & hoping things will be OK once you graduate from college. You need to plan dates & spend romantic time with her . . . holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, kissing, sitting close etc. You don't have to cross lines that violate your religious beliefs but some expression of romantic interest is required. Talking about the ideal of marriage in general is not the same thing as knowing you want to be married to a particular person. You two are both too young to be thinking about marriage.

 

I don't think this girl lead you on on purpose. I think you were the dreamy safe older boy, her friend's brother. It was fun & emotionally safe to dream with you. As she matured her feelings for you became more fraternal then romantic.

 

Because you shared that you are religious, pray for grace & God's guidance in forgiving her. Know that God has a plan for you & a more ideal mate. Trust that she is out there & this bump along your journey will simply make you appreciate her more when you find her.

 

Hang in there & stay true to yourself & your ideals.