What are the main differences between breadcrumbing and reconcilation?

[floralcherie]

I apologize if this is in the wrong area (I'm not entirely sure where to place it).

 

So I never blocked my ex on social media. I just couldn't? I noticed he still looked at all my stories on social media even though he just kept ignoring me (there was no real breakup). He would just "see" my messages and not reply. Then the replies would come days or weeks later and then a casual conversation would turn into a litany of self-deprecating remarks on his regard like "why do I even like him", "he's an awful person" etc... or spontaneous compliments/pet names (after it had stopped for sometime) or after blowing me off so many times, the hinting at sex.

 

He never communicated that he wanted to end the relationship or it wasn't working out or anything even after I asked how he felt about this relationship. One day, I never replied or reached out after I got the message that he wasn't gonna reply. No communication for three months. The relationship was short-term but it just felt very intense emotionally and physically. I have no doubt (there are LOTS of signs) that he is still hung up on his ex before me which just really hurts because it wasn't noticeable during our relationship and I feel like I wasted so much of myself on him.

 

Fast forward, he reached out b/c apparently we were at the same place one day. So I replied back (not immediately) and it at first was a light conversation. Same old, same old. I sensed the distance/apathy and thought to myself...where is this even going? Even after the months of NC, communication was like a drug and I couldn't help myself. I didn't reply back immediately to anything and took hours to reply but he replied back within minutes every single time.

 

At first, he came off as rude/distant and then it progressed to him apologizing for what he did and for hurting me. He even mentioned about when we first met. He said that he'll always be there for me for anything, he takes the blame and I didn't do anything wrong and some other kind words. I was surprised and am still ridiculously confused. I ended the conversation amicably and now we're on good terms (I guess?). After not interacting with my social media when he was ignoring me, he has started to like my posts? I am so confused, does this mean we're "friends" (I use this term loosely as we weren't friends before we met) or what?

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Fekenaws]

Don't be confused, this is typical dumper behavior. Feeling guilty is part of the "stages of grief" for a dumper during the break up. He is assuaging his guilt and you accepted his apology, he doesn't want to feel like he was the bad guy. Make no mistake, as pleasant as it may have been, it was ultimately about himself, not about you or how to feel. Since it seems like you have no intentions of getting him back, you could attempt to be friends with him if you like, but personally I would note this as your last real conversation together unless something unexpected comes up and resume no contact. It's basically an acquaintance, you can say hi to eachother if your in the same place and not want to run out of the room.

[floralcherie]

Thank you!! It's just intriguing that it took 3 months...when I was pretty much over it.

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Fekenaws]

Thank you!! It's just intriguing that it took 3 months...when I was pretty much over it.

 

It's like that! The dumper usually gets a very powerful emotional high after cutting a relationship off because they've been tearing themselves apart mentally for a while before they pulled the trigger. His high officially wore off, reality is beginning to settle in, and now he feels guilty about hurting someone who cared about him, and because guilt is an unpleasant feeling he set out to apologise so he wouldn't feel that way any longer. At this point or a bit after it is usually where reconcilation may be possible. But seeing as you moved on I'd consider it a fitting final chapter of your relationship, at least for now.

[floralcherie]

Part of me thought about the reconciliation but the fact that I know he is still not over his ex, it wouldn't be worth it.

 

Thank you for your insight!!

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[floralcherie]

I can't seem to pinpoint where I'm at right now with an ex. I honestly thought I was over them but I'm not. Anyhow, there was an genuine apology months after the breakup. An apology pinpointing the poor behavior on their part, taking responsibility for it falling apart, and wishing me the best.

 

There was a lot more to the conversation, it actually got very deep. Fast forward, weeks later our contact has increased to a daily basis. I do want to proceed with caution and I'm not as available to respond as I used to be. But there has been "talk" about spending time together, getting to know each other a little more, and it's still clear we still like each other (it's been said outright). It's gotten the point where we're flirting with each other again.

 

I honestly don't expect this to rekindle into a relationship again (work, school, other commitments(it's just not opportune timing)) but I don't want to make whatever this is easy. So what are some main differences between bread crumbing and reconciliation? There has been no talk of whether or not either of us are seeing anyone or have seen anyone in the meantime (should this topic even be addressed?)(I'm not seeing anyone right now).

Edited January 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

Given his previous behaviour, I'm having trouble figuring out 1. Why you want him back in your life and 2. In what capacity you want him back. After all, it sounds like he's driven you nuts in the past.

 

Anyway, work out your end goal and then ask how to get there.

[Twizzlestick]

I can't seem to pinpoint where I'm at right now with an ex. I honestly thought I was over them but I'm not. Anyhow, there was an genuine apology months after the breakup. An apology pinpointing the poor behavior on their part, taking responsibility for it falling apart, and wishing me the best.

 

There was a lot more to the conversation, it actually got very deep. Fast forward, weeks later our contact has increased to a daily basis. I do want to proceed with caution and I'm not as available to respond as I used to be. But there has been "talk" about spending time together, getting to know each other a little more, and it's still clear we still like each other (it's been said outright). It's gotten the point where we're flirting with each other again.

 

I honestly don't expect this to rekindle into a relationship again (work, school, other commitments(it's just not opportune timing)) but I don't want to make whatever this is easy. So what are some main differences between bread crumbing and reconciliation? There has been no talk of whether or not either of us are seeing anyone or have seen anyone in the meantime (should this topic even be addressed?)(I'm not seeing anyone right now).

 

 

I can’t preach as you’re way ahead of me. I’m only day 8 NC after 11 year rele went down . But whatever you’re trying to do you’re doing it wrong . If you’re trying for reconcile, you’re not helping yourself and if you’re trying to move on the same.

 

Check out Lucia’s art of love on YouTube, some good podcasts by her too. I listen to them in the car. Basically don’t respond to breadcrumbs, nonsensical texts etc. These talks sound like going no where. He’s not asked you out. Back off and ignore the next call or two. If he’s interested he’ll persue. You want him to get real and say what he really wants. You can’t ask, but you can get him to show his true colours by backing off.

 

Breadcrumbing would be what he’s doing followed by him backing off, then coming back with more. Essentially like feeding a fish. Just keeping you warmed up.

 

Reconciliation is where they drop the act, stop with the whimsical talk about “meeting up” and actually put their money where their mouths are followed by you actually both starting going out again and agreeing to be mutual. It’s like starting again from scratch.

 

Prob is if you put in more effort than him he knows you’re available. You don’t want to be feeding his ego. I’d back right off now. As it is I can see this turning into you asking him to meet up etc and you really don’t want to be doing that.

 

Check out that art of love. It’s really good.

[preraph]

If he's hung up on his ex and not plunging into a proper relationship with you, but he's still coming around hanging his head like that, self-deprecating and basically telling you the truth, which is that he's only going to hurt you, he's doing it for validation, to prove to himself someone still thinks he has value. But he knows he's not ever going to treat you right and he's basically said "I'm no good," and you should just believe him. If you stick with him after he's "warned" you, you are just opening the door to him treating you like a doormat and him being able to just do whatever without any responsibility or obligation on his part. Do not accept this deal. He's warned you and is giving you the least he can and seeing if you'll take the bait because he's not ethical in that way. And then once he hurts you again, he'll just be like, I told you so.