Moved to LDR and feel like I made a mistake

[lyfeofafreespirit]

Thank you to anyone that reads/responds. Looking for some advice and feeling a bit lonely.

 

In August of this year I moved across the country to be with my bf, from NV to WI. We have been together for 3 years, had a break because he moved to WI and I decided that wouldn't work because my dad had passed away and there was too much going on, but it was only 2 months later that we reconnected and decided to fight for this relationship and have been going strong since. We decided to move me end of summer in mid August when I graduated and could put in notice with my job. I had gotten a job in WI while still in NV and it started the day after I arrived (super tough after a 30 hour drive!!) After a few months of intensive training, the job was stressing me out to the gills because ultimately it turned out to be a huge call center (they had made it seem WAAY different initially) and I couldn't handle the stress as I have major anxiety.

 

Currently I have been looking for something new, but it's been tough with the holiday season and a small town, I have interviews lined up, but not really things I want to be doing. I want to go back to school for my MA degree and work in a position that is people services related, but at this point more willing to take other jobs just for the sake of it.

 

Lately my boyfriend has been less caring and much more distant. He works from home as he still has his job from NV and does everything remotely. I will hear him slam things, and yell, and while I was out he threw something into our television and broke it. His anger freaks me out, and I hate being home so much because I feel like it's my fault he's so angry all the time. I just feel our relationship disappearing. He isn't affectionate, will ignore me when I'm calling for him, expects me to clean up after him all the time now that I'm home (like leaves his dishes around and laundry) and I wonder if he's over it just because I'm home inbetween jobs. It doesn't take a huge toll financially, he was always paying for the home expenses so I don't think that's it.

I feel like I'm in his way all the time, which upsets me because I'm the one that gave up everything I knew and was comfortable with for him. When I tell him this he denies feeling that way and says he loves me. I know he loves me, but maybe I feel like this whole move is in the way of my own happiness at this point. Not finding a job in a different type of job environment that what I'm used to/educated for is tough, and him being home all day also is really getting the best of our relationship.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Any advice on what I can do? Interview tomorrow, hope it goes well.

[Rockett]

Good luck on your interview tomorrow

 

 

Sounds like you need to talk to your bf and find out how much of what's going on with him is to do with your relationship, and how much might be other stuff.

 

 

 

It must be hard to talk relationship stuff when you have so much outside stress yourself- but I think if you can find a good time to talk about these things, it will be worth it. Much better to find out what's going on (and to know how to help each other/take care of each other) than to wander around in the dark. Don't walk on eggshells, that's no way to live.

[lyfeofafreespirit]

Thank you, and you're right. He also has a chest cold, and I don't think he is taking it very well. Will definitely have a talk with him

[Mr. Lucky]

T He works from home as he still has his job from NV and does everything remotely.

 

If his job is still in NV, why is he - and you - in WI?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lyfeofafreespirit]

If his job is still in NV, why is he - and you - in WI?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good question! This is where he grew up, I was in college in NV and he moved there to experience something new. Housing wise, this seemed like a great decision. But I am learning that job wise--not so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good question! This is where he grew up, I was in college in NV and he moved there to experience something new.

 

Since you had school, job and family matters back in NV, seems like your needs have been deprioritized. That resentment might be some of what you're feeling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

Forgetting everything else, him breaking stuff out of anger is hugely concerning. TV today....you tomorrow? Make sure to leave if his anger frightens you.

[Els]

If he works remotely, IMO it was very selfish of him to move away from you to WI. For that reason alone, it sounds to me like this relationship is a bigger priority for you than for him. I can understand people moving away if their career or education demands it, but if he can work from anywhere, it is much less understandable.

 

 

His anger issues are a huge concern. I strongly feel that you need to get away from him. There is never an excuse for physical violence, except in literal self defense.

[Mrs._December]

Elsworth is right - he wasn't very invested in your relationship to begin with, if he was able to pick up and move 1000 miles away from you knowing it was going to end your relationship - which it did. That really should have been your first clue.

 

...but it was only 2 months later that we reconnected and decided to fight for this relationship

The only one 'fighting' is you. You're the one who put all the effort into packaging up your old life in Nevada and leaving everything you know and driving a day and a half out to Buttf*ck Wisconsin to be with him.

 

I highly doubt it's a 'chest cold' that's been making him more distant with you and causing his increasing anger issues and complete disrespect toward you. I think he feels trapped and responsible for the fact that you're out there and that he's now 'stuck' in this relationship whether he wants to be or not.

 

But I will say it certainly isn't a 'chest cold' that made him break his own TV in a fit of anger by throwing something. Why on earth would you even want to BE with someone that emotionally stunted?

 

I think you need to face the fact that this relationship has run its course. It's unhealthy and it's much more of a priority for you than it is for him. I think he just sees this situation as a monkey on his back at this point. He's obviously very unhappy and it's coming out in anger, more and more.

 

I swear, if I were you, I'd leave the house of horrors and go back home. There's nothing for you there.

[DKT3]

I think a few comments are extreme.

 

You went from your homebase with a comfortable job, family and friends to just an uncomfortable job and him. This will create a situation where you may be putting more pressure on him to fill the void. He may be giving you the same level of attention but you may be looking for more since you dont have the same support system and comfort level.

 

Just hang in there and allow yourself to get settled, met some people, then in a few months if you feel the same way you should address it then.

[Els]

I think a few comments are extreme.

 

You went from your homebase with a comfortable job, family and friends to just an uncomfortable job and him. This will create a situation where you may be putting more pressure on him to fill the void. He may be giving you the same level of attention but you may be looking for more since you dont have the same support system and comfort level.

 

 

Of course anyone would be looking for more. Closing a LDR takes effort and sacrifice from BOTH people. You don't just let your partner move to be with you while not providing any additional support that they need. That will most certainly not work and foster resentment.

 

 

What is your excuse for him smashing a TV?

[olivetree]

My guess is that with you both home together all of the time, the togetherness is too much.

I would expect things to improve once you have a job and maybe some friends.

In the meantime, can you get out of the house more?

Maybe he can go work in a coffee shop sometimes too?

 

That said, his anger is a separate issue and he needs to deal with that.