Question for dumpers

[Grisha]

3 months ago my ex started acting distant so I immidietely pulled away and waited 3 days before I messaged her and asked if she wanted to come over.. I knew something was up. She responded the next day with a long text saying she loved me very much and is attracted to me but feels that we aren’t meant for each other and we shouldn’t be having sex anymore or going on dates which always led to sex..

 

I told her that we might as well break up and from that point on we broke up. (I’m still not sure who broke up with who)

Our relationship had always been positive. I’m incredibly grounded and have always been emotionally stable but she was always the opposite. Whenever she’d start an argument I’d always quickly shut it out by listening to her and never showing too much emotion. I always found a way to end the negativity that came every few months or so. I’ve never been in a relationship that felt so successful so I was shocked that she wanted to end it.

 

I never got closure because she never gave me a logical explanation. She just kept saying it’s how she felt.

She reached out to me 7 times the past 3 months we’ve been broken up but they were never about getting back together.

I’ve asked to meet up one of the times she contacted me first but she never answered to that part of my text and answered to the other part. Clearly avoided it.

 

I want to ask the dumpers out there.. why is she still reaching out to me f I’ve already told her that I want to stop communication with her and she told me she would. She contacted me twice sine she told me she’d stop. I want to be with her but she has to feel sure about me.

This is the worst breakup I’ve been in because we’ve never had any bad times. We always had a good time until the last 2-3 weeks.. I have no closure and she’s still contacting me. Should I ask her if she wants to go out? Or tell her to stop contacting me again.. My friend says to block her on everything but I can’t do it since I have no closure and I don’t want to let go if she hasn’t completely.

 

She has an incredibly high ego. She used to tell me that she’d never chase a guy. She never chased her ex’s. That’s another reason I keep thinking about.

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[manfrombelow2]

1/ SHE broke up with you because she acted cold and distant in the first place.

 

The only correct "formula" when your partner pulls away is you let them do it. You can text them a message with something along the line of "Honey, I love you and I want to build a romantic relationship with you. And I won't accept friendship or anything that's not a romantic relationship. Let me know if you change your mind. Best of lucks."

 

And from that point on, you basically walk away and never look back. You don't accept anything that's not what you want. You don't want friendship. You want love. And if she can't offer you love. You walk away and never look back. That's the only correct formula.

 

I told her that we might as well break up and from that point on we broke up. (I’m still not sure who broke up with who)

 

2/ The fact that she broke up with you communicates your relationship was not as healthy as you thought.

 

Our relationship had always been positive. I never got closure because she never gave me a logical explanation. She just kept saying it’s how she felt.

 

3/ After you have sent the dumper the above ultimatum, if they ever reach back again, always assume that they WANT you, and take that opportunity to ASK THEM OUT. If they decline, you basically say "OK, let me know when we can go out for some coffee" and you hang up the phone or stop texting. That's another "formula" for you in cases like this.

 

She reached out to me 7 times the past 3 months we’ve been broken up but they were never about getting back together.

 

4/ If she avoided giving you what you want, you stop the conversation with her. Period.

 

I’ve asked to meet up one of the times she contacted me first but she never answered to that part of my text and answered to the other part. Clearly avoided it.

 

5/ Like I said: Always assume they WANT you. And if you ever succeed in asking her out. Never bring up anything related to the past. Just hang out, have fun and hook up.

 

I want to ask the dumpers out there.. why is she still reaching out to me f I’ve already told her that I want to stop communication with her and she told me she would.

 

6/ Closure doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that she wanted to stop loving you. The reasons why she did it don't matter. What matters is the fact that she did it.

 

My friend says to block her on everything but I can’t do it since I have no closure and I don’t want to let go if she hasn’t completely.

[Wallysbears]

The girl you were dating has NO idea what she wants. She’s in a weird place with religion, etc

 

For your own sake, just walk away.

 

You can’t fix her.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if this is the same girl you've been posting about for a few months, you need to take her off the pedestal and realize she was not girlfriend material.

 

She's not emotionally stable, not over her ex, and is convinced you're not "spiritual" enough for her.

 

You need to set the bar higher. She comes around when she wants attention but that's it. Stop responding to her; this isn't going to become a healthy and long-lasting relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Your continuing mistake is thinking you are going to get "closure" or some explanation from her. She gave you all the words she has.

 

You get closure from within. You have to make peace with the idea that it's over & she's not coming back. When she contacts you, don't respond. It is as simple as that. It's also closure. This door is closed & she's part of you past. Leave her there.

[Sgthaytham]

1/ SHE broke up with you because she acted cold and distant in the first place.

 

The only correct "formula" when your partner pulls away is you let them do it. You can text them a message with something along the line of "Honey, I love you and I want to build a romantic relationship with you. And I won't accept friendship or anything that's not a romantic relationship. Let me know if you change your mind. Best of lucks."

 

And from that point on, you basically walk away and never look back. You don't accept anything that's not what you want. You don't want friendship. You want love. And if she can't offer you love. You walk away and never look back. That's the only correct formula.

 

 

 

2/ The fact that she broke up with you communicates your relationship was not as healthy as you thought.

 

 

 

3/ After you have sent the dumper the above ultimatum, if they ever reach back again, always assume that they WANT you, and take that opportunity to ASK THEM OUT. If they decline, you basically say "OK, let me know when we can go out for some coffee" and you hang up the phone or stop texting. That's another "formula" for you in cases like this.

 

 

 

4/ If she avoided giving you what you want, you stop the conversation with her. Period.

 

 

 

5/ Like I said: Always assume they WANT you. And if you ever succeed in asking her out. Never bring up anything related to the past. Just hang out, have fun and hook up.

 

 

 

6/ Closure doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that she wanted to stop loving you. The reasons why she did it don't matter. What matters is the fact that she did it.

 

This post is absolutely spot on.

 

Go No Contact as if you’ll never hear from her again. If she ever does, be direct and decisive and ask her to come over to yours so you can make dinner together.

 

If she doesn’t agree, tell her to get in touch if she ever changes her mind.

 

If she agrees, great, rince and repeat. She blew you off, so she needs to do 100% of the contact from now on.

[lovesflame]

I am in an extremely similar situation currently.

My ex still contacts and wants to talk on the phone always finds a reason to not meet up.

Honestly you will never really know what she is thinking about because of the inconsistent behavior.

But she is just another confused human being in this difficult world.

I am just making the decision at least I know my ex still cares and wants to talk to you and be happy about someone valuing u even if you can't be with her for now.

In the meantime you never can predict the future but do you really want to be like me obsessing and sad over her alnost daily?

Then happy when she reaches out?

Just go live your own life in ways that make u happy.

She probably goes back and forth in her mind and heart and that's why. She's scared confused in other words a guman being. Just accept it that's what I tell myself.

I am doing nc now not because of aby reason besides that I can't take the anxiety any more.

I feel your pain.

Hope you get better.

[Grisha]

This post is absolutely spot on.

 

Go No Contact as if you’ll never hear from her again. If she ever does, be direct and decisive and ask her to come over to yours so you can make dinner together.

 

If she doesn’t agree, tell her to get in touch if she ever changes her mind.

 

If she agrees, great, rince and repeat. She blew you off, so she needs to do 100% of the contact from now on.

 

What would you say about viewing her “stories” on ig?. She can see whenever I view it. I used to view every single story but now I’m only viewing about 30% of them.

She views every single one of mine still and comments at times. I feel like by me not viewing them it shows that idc but is that a good or bad thing? Because I’m honestly still curious yet I’m avoiding it.

[ExpatInItaly]

What would you say about viewing her “stories” on ig?. She can see whenever I view it. I used to view every single story but now I’m only viewing about 30% of them.

She views every single one of mine still and comments at times. I feel like by me not viewing them it shows that idc but is that a good or bad thing? Because I’m honestly still curious yet I’m avoiding it.

 

Truly, it doesn't matter as much as you think it does. When you have such a shaky and unstable relationship with someone, what they do or don't do on social media is of very little importance in the grand scheme of things.

 

Imagine she is angry you don't care - it isn't relevant to the bigger problems that led to the split.

 

Imagine she is happy you don't care - also not relevant to the more significant issues.

 

It's rather like wondering if you should a bucket or two of water on a building already engulfed in flames. You can go ahead and throw a little water, or not, but it isn't going to put the fire out.