Being set up [on dates]

[ZA Dater]

I have never liked [being set up on dates] because.

1: The person usually is not attainable so its a case of "don't you want to go out with him" which is what inevitably goes on the background because these people can and do a lot better than me.

2: Usually the person is so marketable themselves they can pick from virtually anyone.

3: Ostensibly I offer very little that anyone would logically like when compared to others.

 

That being said I find myself being set up again and I don't know how to play this. In sort she is sending me texts but also sending my friend texts telling him she is trying to get me to take her out. Left of discomfort on my part: high.

 

Her, yoga teacher, pretty enough to be able to choose and now I hear after meeting me once and having a 2 minute conversation "she really likes you". Refer above to see what I think is going on here....level of discomfort: very high. This whole thing feels contrived to me and that makes me feel uncomfortable, more than that she doesn't even live in this city. Logic would say the above person would not find me attractive at all given her choice of people so I once again just feel like a pity project.

 

People seem to continually think they know what is best for me and these set ups have traditionally been that, doomed to fail from the outset. Maybe its because everything I have done in life I have done the hardest way MYSELF, the idea of others helping is one that isn't familiar to me. I may take this one for coffee and see how contrived this whole thing is but the idea her reporting back to said friend isn't appealing.

 

Advice?

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify topic and fix spacing

[SevenCity]

A pretty chick who is chasing you and really likes you? What is the problem exactly?

[chillii]

l get the reporting back that'd turn me right off too.

But eh , at least she's pretty.

Once back in 20s a friend suggested l should meet one of her friends. l said what's she look like , she said ohh, she's quite nice,

Hmm, that was the day l stopped taking any notice of what women think of their friends in that department.

 

 

Anyway , so she's nice looking , she likes you, that's a very nice start l think l'd make an exception myself in your shoes.

[ZA Dater]

A pretty chick who is chasing you and really likes you? What is the problem exactly?

 

Its contrived, she doesn't really like me, she has been told to like me as some sort of pity project, as well meaning as these friends are this is what they typically do, my lack of dating is seen as an invitation for them to do this sort of thing.

 

If miss less good looking Tinder doesn't like me there is no way that this way above average has the choice of most would choose me.

Edited January 22, 2019 by ZA Dater
spacing

[ZA Dater]

The impression I always get with these and it was true of the last one and the one before that is I am seen as this "pity project, aw shame he never has dates and has no experience".

 

As usual these people are always completely incompatible with me, all that happens is I get sold on an unattainable idea which I sometimes buy into and ultimately end up feeling terrible because its not attainable.

 

My feeling is dating is something I need to do and this "help" is never around when I actually need it for example had it been around when I was chasing K that might have worked, instead the help (who know K well) tried to set me up with a model, again completely un attainable.

Edited January 22, 2019 by ZA Dater
spacing

[Wallysbears]

Or perhaps your friend put in a good word for you which has this woman a bit more interested in meeting you.

 

Your friend may have said "oh hey, you should meet up with my friend ZA...you both are into XYZ...and he's a really good dude" (or whatever) or perhaps "ZA is a bit on the quiet side, but once you get him talking...you'd be amazed how much the two of you have in common"

 

 

Set ups are usually done with good intention and typically the person DOING the arranging is trying to find a match between the two they are setting up.

[some_username1]

Its contrived, she doesn't really like me, she has been told to like me as some sort of pity project, as well meaning as these friends are this is what they typically do, my lack of dating is seen as an invitation for them to do this sort of thing.

 

If miss less good looking Tinder doesn't like me there is no way that this way above average has the choice of most would choose me.

 

Oh OP you're so bloody frustrating. I start to wonder if this isn't all some sort of sub-conscious humble-brag on your part because I struggle with how someone could honestly be so blind to how they come across.

 

Your post reads like "Oh woe is me, my friends care about me enough to set up a date with an attractive woman- how could they hate me so much to do that, she's just so good looking that it's all just so awful!"

 

When I read that and I think about my own friends who laugh at my terrible date stories and don't care if I die old and alone I'm rendered speechless by the constant negativity and ungratefulness to the point where I do wonder if it is all just some sort of set up of some sort.

 

If this is legitimately how you feel and you aren't hamming it up then I urge you (for the umpteenth thousandth and probably last time as I feel giving you advice is a job for someone far greater versed in psychology than I) to examine why this situation is cause for such bleak, irredeemable negativity. Why can you not see it as your friends being very good friends that others would kill for and an opportunity to meet someone new that you might get on with? Isn't that so much better? Why do you have to unerringly manage to find the negative and focus on it with laser precision?

 

I get that being set up is not ideal and can be initially uncomfortable but hell it's just a date, you find her attractive (which has to be a massive bonus to be positive about) and if it scares you so much have the courage of your convictions and turn her down and stay at home. But you know and I know that as much as you complain you will be running to that date and won't be able to get there fast enough because ultimately you just seem to enjoy the art of complaining on loveshack whilst you remain addicted to the hope that your next date is going to be "The One".

[Rayce]

So what's the harm of going out on just one date? Or coffee? You just never know what is round the next bend.

[ZA Dater]

It's really very simple. One look at this person's FB page and there she is with guys the complete opposite of me. This same friend tried this once before, " i have told so and so about you, she is sure one of her friends will like you". They didn't and it was a waste of time.

 

If I am going to try then it must be an opportunity of my own creation because I don't trust what is said behind my back when I am being set up.

[ZA Dater]

Or perhaps your friend put in a good word for you which has this woman a bit more interested in meeting you.

 

Your friend may have said "oh hey, you should meet up with my friend ZA...you both are into XYZ...and he's a really good dude" (or whatever) or perhaps "ZA is a bit on the quiet side, but once you get him talking...you'd be amazed how much the two of you have in common"

 

 

Set ups are usually done with good intention and typically the person DOING the arranging is trying to find a match between the two they are setting up.

 

I have nothing in common with her at all. My gripe is he thinks he knows what is best but ostensibly when I actually do need him to help he doesn't.

[Orokotikki]

My advice is don't psych yourself out and set yourself up to fail.

Try to just be yourself and ask her out and see how you like each other without trying mind read or leap to assumptions. Try to have fun while it lasts and learn from it in an adaptive way however it works out.

 

Best of luck.

[]

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unneccesary

[alphamale]

A pretty chick who is chasing you and really likes you? What is the problem exactly?

 

yea I would like to know also

[some_username1]

It's really very simple. One look at this person's FB page and there she is with guys the complete opposite of me. This same friend tried this once before, " i have told so and so about you, she is sure one of her friends will like you". They didn't and it was a waste of time.

 

If I am going to try then it must be an opportunity of my own creation because I don't trust what is said behind my back when I am being set up.

 

You have to view each date on it's own merits. I fail to see how any date is a waste of time because if you look hard enough you can learn something about yourself even if you don't learn anything about the other person.

[Blanco]

Every serious relationship I've ever had were with people who had previously dated guys who were not at all like me.

 

You really will find any reason to remain stuck in your ways, OP.

[NuevoYorko]

Just tell the person who wants to set you up that you're not interested. No need to waste your or anybody else's time.

[ZA Dater]

Just tell the person who wants to set you up that you're not interested. No need to waste your or anybody else's time.

 

I basically have done exactly that. The whole thing is contrived, I have spent all of one minute talking to her and suddenly she likes me? I doubt it.

 

Now she wants to teach me yoga. I just find this whole thing odd, pretty much I have just accepted my lot when it comes to dating, I'll find my own dates even if they aren't great dates at least I'd have found them and not have to wonder what exactly has been said behind my back. Unfortunately past experiences with this haven't been positive and I mostly just felt like some pet project.

 

Its as if the people trying to set me up forget who I am when they do this, they forget I am shy awkward guy and set me up with people who really can have anyone so all I am in their eyes is just one giant disappointment.

 

 

Part of me is curious but for me its always fact over subjective analysis and perhaps if the prior experiences of these set ups were better I might be inclined.

[Rayce]

I wish my friends would set me up with the single men they know but when I ask I get a lot of excuse on how wrong they are for me. Dating is so hard... why turn down any opportunity.

[elaine567]

Just because she looks good in yoga pants doesn't necessarily mean dating has been easy for her.

She may have been as unsuccessful as you have been, at finding the "right person".

Go with an open mind, it is, if nothing else, more experience.

[basil67]

My husband and I were set up. Yes, it's contrived - because we would never have met each other had our friends not arranged it. The two of us also had very little in common from the start - and over 25 years later we have little in common when it comes to hobbies - but we connected because we could talk easily and find similarity.

 

Having been through what you describe and coming out of it with a wonderful family, I'm not seeing the problem. Sure, it's also possible that it wouldn't have worked - but nothing ventured = nothing gained.

[ZA Dater]

Just because she looks good in yoga pants doesn't necessarily mean dating has been easy for her.

She may have been as unsuccessful as you have been, at finding the "right person".

Go with an open mind, it is, if nothing else, more experience.

I don't get a good vibe from her. As I say I'd rather do my own (unsuccessful) searching than suddenly have someone "like' me without knowing what "selling" scheme has been done behind my back. The fallacy that good looking people battle with dating is just something they tell other who do struggle to try and make them feel better, they might not get relationships but they get dates with people that want to date.

 

Call me cynical but after 15 years if it seems to good to be true, then chances are something isn't as it seems.

Edited January 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[chillii]

Well that does it, l'd be goin if just for the yoga lesson if she looks anything like mine doing yoga.

Fk the friends but hey they mean well.

PS , just have a bit of a chuckle together about the whole setup thing , and enjoy the lesson and her company.

Edited January 22, 2019 by chillii

[Blanco]

I don't ever want to hear the OP lament again about how attractive women won't give him a chance.

[nospam99]

Now she wants to teach me yoga.

 

Were that shoe on my foot, ... YES!!!

[SevenCity]

Its contrived, she doesn't really like me, she has been told to like me as some sort of pity project, as well meaning as these friends are this is what they typically do, my lack of dating is seen as an invitation for them to do this sort of thing.

 

If miss less good looking Tinder doesn't like me there is no way that this way above average has the choice of most would choose me.

 

How do you know all this? Can you read her mind?

 

I’ve been shot down by ok looking chicks online and dated hotter ones.

 

One thing I’ve found is when a woman likes you, it is usually instant. They find you attractive enough and you just have to stop yourself from talking them out of it.

 

I feel from your posts that you want to fail. Just go on the date and see what happens. I remember one chick I met on OLD I thought for sure was a catfish and I ended up with her for a month (other issues) but she was hot as hell.

 

You will miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

 

Remember though, your attitude is likely the cause of your failure.

[The Dude Abides]

OP, I can only pass on my story and it has some similarities to yours.

 

I was separated from my first wife and in a pretty bad emotional state (apparently no one could see that because I hid it so well). Some friends from my former place of employment were concerned about me and had tried to “set me up” with women they knew. This was all done in good faith, or at least that is what I thought at the time. It turns out one of these friends arranged an “accidental “ meeting with a young lady with whom I eventually became quite smitten. I had met this young lady before, only in passing, and she (unknown to me) had a bit of a “thing” for me. I never gave her a second thought after that earlier chance meeting.

 

So, these manipulative mutual friends sneakily arranged the “accidental” encounter and I was too bone-headed/clueless at the time to see what was going on.

 

That young lady and I eventually married and close to 27 years after the deviously-arranged chance encounter, we are still married and quite happy.

 

So, the only advice I have for you is to roll with it. It might not be the smoothest beginning of something serious, but it might just be something worth trying out. If it proves to be nothing, at least you got to have a few dates with a hot babe in yoga pants.