I Think I Am Done

[Tamfana]

It doesn't matter how you read it. If you want to understand men then put some effort into doing do. If you want men to take the things you feel seriously, then do the same for them.

 

War is violence, aggression, destruction, not a feeling. It's fine to be intimidated or threatened by something. It's not something to become furious or violent about. People get intimidated or threatened. And yes some men are intimidated or threatened by a partner's success or by making more money than they do.

 

One guy I was with just told me he was, straight out. I made 3x what he did. He said that it bothered him because providing had always been a major part of his identity and he didn't know what the heck to do, what he was supposed to be or how we would do it. We talked about it. We didn't know exactly what to do so we made our own decisions together and adjusted over time as needed. No war. No anger.

 

It's pretty common. Not always the case but common. Shoot, my daughter's uncomfortable about her husband's recent ridiculous increase in salary. Not a big deal. It's good. I think good partners are thrilled by each other's success and want wins for the whole, for the family. But maybe we also get a little threatened, maybe jealous, if a partner's career surpasses ours. Anyway it is too much of a reality to get angry about or view as war- against someone.

[Gretchen12]

Now when a guy gets insulted by being accused of feeling "threatened" by a woman because he just wasn't attracted to her,...you just started a war, especially if he is a more masculine guy that doesn't consider himself someone to be threatened by much of anything. It is akin to calling him a "pussy".

 

No I was talking about those men who were already attracted to the woman he's in a relationship with, then later when her career advanced, the relationship fell apart. I referred to the cases you mentioned.

 

If you don't want to use the word threatened, that's fine. A man on another thread posted about his feeling of having a gf with a lot of life experiences and money to do all those things. He said he felt he couldn't compete with that. No one on the forum thought of him as a "pussy" for feeling that way. I found his candidness and self-knowledge to be masculin and genuine.

 

Of course we all know a lot of men need to be taller, richer, smarter, stronger. And we know even young girls had pretended to be bad at math and science so that young boys could feel better.

 

I don't want to change the OP's topic too much. He is saying he has had bad luck in love and is feeling discouraged. I don't think he should become cynical and start blaming women. That cynicism will change you into a different type of man. Women who love men want to be with men who love women. That leaves the cynics to date each other and it's a disaster for them.

[Logo]

I have no idea how this thread got so off track.

[PRW]

War is violence, aggression, destruction, not a feeling.

Put it into the context that I used it in instead of the context you are trying to make it. I mean it starts big arguments and resentment between the two people involved.

[PRW]

No I was talking about those men who were already attracted to the woman he's in a relationship with, then later when her career advanced, the relationship fell apart. I referred to the cases you mentioned.

Ah, ok. Well there was no feeling of being threatened, but they just didn't feel attraction to each other any longer, the sexual polarity evaporated.

 

 

He said he felt he couldn't compete with that. No one on the forum thought of him as a "pussy" for feeling that way. I found his candidness and self-knowledge to be masculin and genuine.

I remember him now. I would call it a feeling of threatened, but I understand what you are saying.

 

That cynicism will change you into a different type of man. Women who love men want to be with men who love women. That leaves the cynics to date each other and it's a disaster for them.

I agree.

[Guildford]

Logo "I have no idea how this thread got so off track."

 

Remember that there is nothing more sexy than a positive upbeat attitude in life (with the possible exception of a rugged handsome face). Always remember that when the situation appears hopeless it is time to - fix bayonets and charge.

[Logo]

I understand the metaphor, but in practical terms?

[Wallysbears]

I'm a "strong, professional woman"

 

I kick a** and take names for 50+ hours a week at my job. I have strong opinions on a lot of topics. I make a solid living...had my own house, investments, etc.

 

But I'm also feminine. I don't WANT to have to blaze the trails ALL the time. I don't WANT to have to carry the full burden of life and family on my shoulders. I like having a soft place to 'land' and just "be".

 

Can I do it all myself if I had to? Absolutely. But I appreciate not HAVING to because it is exhausting!

 

My husband wears the pants in our family. That does NOT mean I'm a push over by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not in my kitchen wearing an apron and pearls and meeting him at the door with a martini at 6pm at night. But I AM the wife and Mom. He is the husband and father. He takes out the trash (he'd tell you there is no way his neighbors are going to see his wife dragging a trash can) and I give our son the bath at night and am the one to 'kiss boo boos'

 

I also don't have to do the 'heavy lifting' of running a family. HE does. He is my rock, my soft landing space, the place where I can go and shut "off" the "strong" woman and just BE.

 

Because, it DOES get draining being a tough, professional hard a** woman. I don't LIKE having to be a b*tch sometimes and be aggressive to get what needs to get done DONE when it comes to work/life. We can be "fox hole" buddies who have each other's backs when we need to be...but most of the time? He's the guy out in front leading the charge and I'm behind him.

 

I absolutely LOVE and adore my husband and our life because when I am dog tired from doing what I do...I can turn around and know that he is there. He's my rock.

 

When I was pregnant? I came down with severe preeclampsia. My son was born a preemie. That was it. I tapped out of the "workplace" and I didn't go back to work for TWO YEARS. My husband worked his tail off to make sure that *I* had that luxury. That my son had that luxury. Didn't even blink an eye. Not a moment of hesitation even though we were losing well over 6 figures a year in household income.

 

I don't put labels on things like 'masculine energy' or 'alpha' or 'beta' and such.

 

But I know that there are good guys out there with what I prefer to call "old fashioned' type values that still respect and admire and love and adore and find sexy us stronger, professional women. And that when we find those guys? It makes life a whole lot easier and more enjoyable because we (me?) don't have to be tough, kick ass and take names 1000% of the time.

[Tamfana]

Put it into the context that I used it in instead of the context you are trying to make it. I mean it starts big arguments and resentment between the two people involved.

 

You're right about resentment. There was no argument but eventually I resented that my husband wasn't positive about my work successes and shut down when it came to my work. I turned to colleagues, friends and other family when it came to talking about myself and work and after a couple years of marriage counseling, divorced him. He remarried quickly, to a woman who didn't work. He's 59. My son in law on the other hand, likes that my daughter works. He's 31.

[Wallysbears]

You're right about resentment. There was no argument but eventually I resented that my husband wasn't positive about my work successes and shut down when it came to my work. I turned to colleagues, friends and other family when it came to talking about myself and work and after a couple years of marriage counseling, divorced him. He remarried quickly, to a woman who didn't work. He's 59. My son in law on the other hand, likes that my daughter works. He's 31.

 

This isn't a reflection on YOU but is a reflection on your husband/ex. He felt inadequate?

 

Truth be told, when I am working in full capacity, I can bring home more into our "house" in income than my husband. (his income is tied up in the business which will eventually be passed to my son and our retirement)

 

But he doesn't blink at it because 1. he knows his worth isn't solely based on money and 2. we are a team.

 

Men that are intimidated and/or threatened by women and what they earn are men that are intimidated and or not self assured/comfortable with who they are.

[PRW]

I remember him now. I would call it a feeling of threatened, but I understand what you are saying.

Agh! I hate these stinkin' typos and that you can not fix anything after another post is made. I meant, "I would NOT call it a feeling of threatened, but I understand what you are saying."

[divegrl]

I read that self pity fades thru action.

 

Good luck my friend.

[PRW]

You're right about resentment. There was no argument but eventually I resented that my husband wasn't positive about my work successes and shut down when it came to my work.

..................

He's 59. My son in law on the other hand, likes that my daughter works. He's 31.

At 56 I am between the two. Most women I date or attempt to date are as I said before, Nurses, Doctors, Managers, Project Managers. I don't even mind hearing a few "work stories" from them, but it could also become too much and I could end up like your ex. I wouldn't want a woman who didn't work at all (for practical financial reasons), but if it was only part-time in a non-professional job I would consider that "heaven".

 

The one thing that would end it all almost immediately is if she used that arrogant line on me, "You're intimidated by a strong woman". Those are fighting words. Being unattracted is not "intimidated", and calling herself "strong" because she has a career is arrogant. Men who have careers don't go around calling themselves a "strong man" because they have a career. Strong comes from your strength of character, not how much money you make and what your job title is. IMO the strongest women out there are the stay-at-home moms. They have to do what they do while tolerating the down-the-nose attitude and stigma that society throws at them.

[MeadowFlower]

I read that self pity fades thru action.

 

Can you please expand on that?

[Wallysbears]

IMO the strongest women out there are the stay-at-home moms. They have to do what they do while tolerating the down-the-nose attitude and stigma that society throws at them.

 

I'll give you a loud AMEN to that.

 

Having spent 2 years as a stay at home Mom, that was quite possibly the hardest thing I have EVER done in my entire life.

 

24/7/365 "mom" mode is a real and complete drain on a person (and I don't care HOW much you love your kids)

[PRW]

Having spent 2 years as a stay at home Mom, that was quite possibly the hardest thing I have EVER done in my entire life.

 

24/7/365 "mom" mode is a real and complete drain on a person (and I don't care HOW much you love your kids)

It brings to mind those situations where a guy is complaining that his girl keeps calling or texting him at work.

 

From his side he gets annoyed and tells her he will see her when he gets home.

 

From her side she gets upset at that. What she was probably doing was looking for a "break" and some encouragement from him. But with his response she gets upset and feels like she is underappreciated for what she is having to do.

 

Unfortunately both sides are kind of right.

[Wallysbears]

What she was probably doing was looking for a "break" and some encouragement from him. But with his response she gets upset and feels like she is underappreciated for what she is having to do.

 

Unfortunately both sides are kind of right.

 

Back when I was a stay at home Mom? I was starving, dying...for adult interaction.

 

My poor husband. When he would get home from work at night? All I wanted to do was talk. I'd be trying to drag ANY detail of his work day out of him. I NEEDED to talk about ANYTHING. To engage about ANYTHING other than diapers, feeding, changing, playing with, etc. a baby/infant/toddler.

 

I'm sure it was exhausting to him as much as it was exhausting to me to be alone with a little one all day (and my son was a preemie so in many ways I was truly alone with him all day so as to keep him safe from germs, etc)

 

I'm SO grateful for the fact that my husband recognized this practical starvation for adult interaction on my part. Because he could have very well gotten angry with it or annoyed with it but he saw it for what it was and truly appreciated what *I* was doing for our family by staying at home.

[chillii]

This isn't a reflection on YOU but is a reflection on your husband/ex. He felt inadequate?

 

Truth be told, when I am working in full capacity, I can bring home more into our "house" in income than my husband. (his income is tied up in the business which will eventually be passed to my son and our retirement)

 

But he doesn't blink at it because 1. he knows his worth isn't solely based on money and 2. we are a team.

 

Men that are intimidated and/or threatened by women and what they earn are men that are intimidated and or not self assured/comfortable with who they are.

 

 

 

 

Ahh , this men intimidated thing is often just a typical female assumption and the lack of being able to understand their own man, which many women don't.

l had no problem my w working or earning more than me , we were a team too.

But the hours and her being constantly busy or still on the damn phone 10oclock at night , never around, never having time, flying into the house finally 5 or 6 at night and then still on the phone 1/2 the night later or whatever you name it, was just a real pain in the ass.

Pretty simple. My daughter hated it l hated it.

Women complain about men doing the same alllll the time.

So in a lot of cases l can tell you from knowing 100's of guys over the years and hearing the real stories male to male, it's more often often about stuff like that.

 

Since divorce my woman now doesn't work much at all and l only work part time and l tell ya , the difference between this and trying to get 10mins with my my ex , is fkg huge.

But she can work more or earn what she wants l couldn't care less , l just don't want some woman ran of her feet and still frazzled 10 oclock at night that never has time for anything.

 

There's also a lot of misconceptions and twisting about career or high up type women too , from women.

l don;t think most guys would givafk what she does but it's about the person and any chance of a real relationship. Those types are often strung out 24 7 high tensile types and with no time, who wants that.

Not to say some guys aren't attracted to those types and sometimes they can be sexy as hell but you know, that lifestype and personality is def' not everyone's idea of a relationship or marriage.

Edited January 25, 2019 by chillii

[divegrl]

Can you please expand on that?

 

Feeling sorry for yourself feels good temporarily. But it’s a dark place to be in.

 

Victim hood fades when you give yourself the opportunity to show up. To implement new rituals. To practice.

[edgygirl]

LOL to the men implying powerful women can’t find a relationship or are not relationship material.

 

Gimme a break on the misogyny. You don’t like powerful women? Don’t get one.

 

Also LOL to saying that by wanting an intellectual man I am putting a label on them. Yes there is something like intellectual vs non intellectual people. If one thinks that doesn’t exist it’s most likely because they’re not intellectual themselves.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'll give you a loud AMEN to that.

 

Having spent 2 years as a stay at home Mom, that was quite possibly the hardest thing I have EVER done in my entire life.

 

24/7/365 "mom" mode is a real and complete drain on a person (and I don't care HOW much you love your kids)

 

 

It's not really 24/7/365 because a baby sleeps 20 hours a day. It's the most boring and tedious job out there, I will give you that. But hardest? No. You are in your sweatpants and pyjamas, watching soaps all day. You need no education, no skills, no experience. Animals do it. Let's not make it something it's not.

[PRW]

It's not really 24/7/365 because a baby sleeps 20 hours a day. It's the most boring and tedious job out there, I will give you that. But hardest? No. You are in your sweatpants and pyjamas, watching soaps all day. You need no education, no skills, no experience. Animals do it. Let's not make it something it's not.

Seriously!?!? No education? No skills? No experience? Boring? Ha!