Where to begin

[Confusedone21]

Well, first off hello. I stumbled upon this website in a pretty dark time in my life. Some of the stories here make me realize that I am not alone with what I am going through. So thank you all.

 

I am a recently turned 40 year old man. My wife and best friend of the last 14 years (Married 8) decided to leave me the day after Christmas. She actually had planned to "Dear John" me, however actually gave me a weeks notice. I realized about a month ago that things did not seem right. I stumbled upon a book she had purchased about emotional abuse. When I asked her about it, the floodgates opened, however I never expected her to move out. During this time, looking back at the relationship, I seem to be the only ones that sees the great times. She has asked me for time and space, stating that she needs to figure herself out first. During this last month, life has been like a yo-yo. It almost seems cruel what I am going through. One day hope, the next the dreaded "space" talk. I give her space, then she texts and calls me. I love this girl with all my heart, but I just don't know what to do. We are both in therapy, both together and on our own. I have a lot of my own issues, which I am happy to list, but have told her that I am very willing to change. I think she believes me, however is unsure if too much damage has been done. I feel like she is easily manipulated by her friends, who I do not feel have our best interest in mind.

 

As of today, we have decided to try no contact for a week. When she is with me, she feels as though it confuses her. She has told me that she enjoys our time and my attention, however she doesn't know if she just wants attention from someone or likes it from me. I just have such a lost feeling. I am willing to change a lot of the problems I caused in the marriage, just don't know if too much damage has been done. I have asked her if she wants a divorce, and the response has been "no, I just need space to figure this out". Everyone tells me to give up hope, but I cannot find it within myself to do it.

 

Not to complicate matters, but an important fact. We had planned to do IVF in January. We had been in the planning stage for about 6 months while we saved up money. So I went from thinking I was having my first child to being seperated and possible on the road to divorce.

 

Anyways, the story is much much longer and I just wanted to introduce myself and thank everyone for a little bit of inspiration.

Edited January 23, 2019 by Confusedone21

[d0nnivain]

Who is the victim here? Is she accusing you of emotionally abusing her or does she feel she has abused you? If you were the offender, change. If she thinks she was abusing you, dissuade her of that notion (assuming she wasn't acting as bad as she thinks) & work with her to change.

 

Offer to go to marriage counseling with her. Perhaps a neutral learned 3rd party can help clear her confusion.

[Confusedone21]

Who is the victim here? Is she accusing you of emotionally abusing her or does she feel she has abused you?

 

Offer to go to marriage counseling with her. Perhaps a neutral learned 3rd party can help clear her confusion.

 

She believes that she has been emotionally abused. To be honest, I haven't been the best husband. I used to wear her down when we argue. Make her always believe she was the terrible one. I used to get on her case when it came to money. I have had a gambling problem for many years, however when we decided to have a child, I went to counseling and made significant progress. She has a drinking problem and comes from a family with substance abuse issues.

 

We are in counseling together. Have been for six sessions. I think it has helped somewhat, but we spend the time in there talking about the current state of the relationship and her boundries and less about what got us to this point and how to fix it.

[d0nnivain]

Just keep up with the counseling.

 

Try sending her flowers with an apology acknowledging that you were wrong for making her feel bad.

[Confusedone21]

Just keep up with the counseling.

 

Try sending her flowers with an apology acknowledging that you were wrong for making her feel bad.

 

Thanks for the advice.. Over the past month, I gave her roses three times when we did hang out. I am going to keep going to counseling, just questioning the direction we are headed in.

[The Dude Abides]

Hello OP

 

I agree with what has been suggested already: counseling, admission of your faults and stated dedication to do your part to fix what you can fix (your behavior). I know at times I have been a PITA to my darling wife and when matters come to a boil I will admit it to myself and then tell her I know I was a jerk and dont make any excuses nor do I try to justify any of my behavior as being a result of something she has done. This always results in my darling wife admitting that stuff she did was also to blame, and generally we seem to come out the better for the bad interaction. It’s hard work and takes effort and I think the main thing is we don’t get complacent with each other.

 

It sounds like you are ready to do the work on your part and I hope she will come around and work with you on a happy ending to this and a renewed dedication to being with each other.

 

Flowers- always a great idea. Also, can you cook? I always get back in the good graces of Mrs. Dude Abides when I surprise her with a nice dinner, a tasty breakfast, a loaf of banana bread, etc. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Instead , it just has to be something that causes us to sit down together and talk.

 

Best wishes for you and your wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

During this time, looking back at the relationship, I seem to be the only ones that sees the great times. She has asked me for time and space, stating that she needs to figure herself out first. During this last month, life has been like a yo-yo. It almost seems cruel what I am going through. One day hope, the next the dreaded "space" talk. I give her space, then she texts and calls me. I love this girl with all my heart, but I just don't know what to do.

 

Confusedone21, with no malice I'd suggest some of her behavior suggest the possible involvement of a third party, another man. If you have access to joint phone bill, email, text and/or social media, you should at least do a little digging to understand what you're up against, simply because any counseling or joint therapy is a waste of time if her attention is elsewhere.

 

If she's seen you as "emotionally abusive", the resulting disconnect can leave the door open for an EA or PA. Knowledge is power, best to be fully informed going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confusedone21]

Confusedone21, with no malice I'd suggest some of her behavior suggest the possible involvement of a third party, another man. If you have access to joint phone bill, email, text and/or social media, you should at least do a little digging to understand what you're up against, simply because any counseling or joint therapy is a waste of time if her attention is elsewhere.

 

If she's seen you as "emotionally abusive", the resulting disconnect can leave the door open for an EA or PA. Knowledge is power, best to be fully informed going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We went through her having an affair back in 2013. I never really came to forgive her, despite taking her back. I have been in therapy myself and have worked on letting go of the anger and hurt, which caused me to do a lot of the things that led to this separation. As for someone else, I have asked her about it. And I don’t have any reason to believe that she is seeing someone else. Maybe in the past months leading up to this, but I truly want to believe that this is just our actions falling apart. Typing this I know I seem so pitiful and weak. But I love this girl and know she is broken. I am just trying to find the strength to do what is right and not what is quick.

[vla1120]

First of all, you do NOT seem pitiful and weak. I give you a LOT of credit for admitting and owning your faults. An affair is something very difficult to come back from. I stayed with my first husband for 18 years after his last known affair. It was not a happy, healthy marriage even though we did seek marriage counseling. I was very angry and every time we fought, I threw the affair in his face. In hindsight, staying for another 18 years (because I was pregnant with his child) only made things more difficult, and we did not provide a good example to our daughters of how a husband and wife should treat one another.

 

Did the "perceived" emotional abuse start after her affair, or before? If it started after, then I am not excusing it, but it's understandable to hold that unresolved anger and hurt over her during arguments. It sounds like that is probably one of the things you are trying to work on?

 

I don't know whether your wife is a serial cheater. I am of the mindset - once a cheater, always a cheater. I think you need to decide if that affair is something you can truly put behind you and whether you can really ever trust her again, or will there always be that question in the back of your mind?

 

Also, I do not think you should bring a child into this relationship any time soon, if at all. Trust me. I have three daughters - none of whom have ever had a healthy relationship with anyone. They all remain single, and I blame the poor example set for them by my husband and me.

 

Finally, the "needing space" but then calling and texting - plus not giving you a definitive answer about whether there is hope for reconciliation makes me think she's keeping you as a "plan B." If I were you, I'd go with no contact. If someone truly wants to work on their marriage, they work on it with their spouse in their marital home. They don't move out.

[Confusedone21]

First of all, you do NOT seem pitiful and weak. I give you a LOT of credit for admitting and owning your faults. An affair is something very difficult to come back from. I stayed with my first husband for 18 years after his last known affair. It was not a happy, healthy marriage even though we did seek marriage counseling. I was very angry and every time we fought, I threw the affair in his face. In hindsight, staying for another 18 years (because I was pregnant with his child) only made things more difficult, and we did not provide a good example to our daughters of how a husband and wife should treat one another.

 

Did the "perceived" emotional abuse start after her affair, or before? If it started after, then I am not excusing it, but it's understandable to hold that unresolved anger and hurt over her during arguments. It sounds like that is probably one of the things you are trying to work on?

 

I don't know whether your wife is a serial cheater. I am of the mindset - once a cheater, always a cheater. I think you need to decide if that affair is something you can truly put behind you and whether you can really ever trust her again, or will there always be that question in the back of your mind?

 

Also, I do not think you should bring a child into this relationship any time soon, if at all. Trust me. I have three daughters - none of whom have ever had a healthy relationship with anyone. They all remain single, and I blame the poor example set for them by my husband and me.

 

Finally, the "needing space" but then calling and texting - plus not giving you a definitive answer about whether there is hope for reconciliation makes me think she's keeping you as a "plan B." If I were you, I'd go with no contact. If someone truly wants to work on their marriage, they work on it with their spouse in their marital home. They don't move out.

 

 

 

Thank you for your insight. I would say the disconnect started prior to the affair. I grew up in a household with an alcoholic. I trace the beginning of the end to when I started gambling, which was well prior to the affair. I would gamble just enough to put us paycheck to paycheck. I put her through so many tears, so much begging me to stop. But I refused and kept on. Harsh to say, but I know that was the start of this all. After several times of harming her, she got involved in a relationship with a bad friend. This friend, coupled with the loss of her parents, caused her to drink heavily. A DUI came shortly after. Then the affair. Once it all happened, I was truly devastated. I knew that I played a big role in pushing her away so I took her back. Things were actually pretty good for awhile, however when we fought, I would literally show no emotion or empathy. I refused to truly get help. I was shut off and in turn, shut whatever emotion I had left off. Truth is, I didn't realize any of this until she left me. I never was in touch with my emotions. She has a difficult time believing anyone can change in a month. I have done everything I can to show her change, cooked her breakfast, helped build furniture for her new home, bought her roses, etc. I have literally been a complete 180 degrees from who I was. And the truth is, I am a happier person now because of it.

 

 

So in short, I would like to see the affair as a one time mistake. I have had my doubts, as I believe anyone who has been cheated on does. But I decided if I want to persue a relationship, I have to be ok with trusting her, just not blind trust.

 

 

I agree on the plan B thinking. I think she is scared to make the wrong decision. I know her friends are pushing her to stick to her choice. On Sunday, after a great week of hanging out a lot, her two closest friends came over and had a intervention. Since then, complete disconnect. My wife is easily influenced and I am fearful that without contact, the voices of dissent will push her further and further away. I also know that I need to try NC and it's the hardest gamble I have had to take.

[Mr. Lucky]

I realized about a month ago that things did not seem right. I stumbled upon a book she had purchased about emotional abuse. When I asked her about it, the floodgates opened, however I never expected her to move out. During this time, looking back at the relationship, I seem to be the only ones that sees the great times.

 

We went through her having an affair back in 2013. I never really came to forgive her, despite taking her back.

 

Some contradiction between these two statements. Hard to see how her leaving the marriage could have been a surprise if there were lingering and unresolved resentments and issues from her affair.

 

You also have some insight into her tendencies when things in your relationship become difficult, she looks to someone else for validation. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Orokotikki]

Take care of yourself and continue couples therapy and IC.

Be careful.

 

What I mean is:

1)Try to be fair and objective with yourself. Examine with IC. Just because she bought a book doesn't mean you are now the villain.

 

2) She has had an affair before. and honestly, not that long ago. Maybe keep a VAR in your pocket to protect yourself from some trumped up charge to make you a villian and a possible new AP into KISA.

[Confusedone21]

Some contradiction between these two statements. Hard to see how her leaving the marriage could have been a surprise if there were lingering and unresolved resentments and issues from her affair.

 

You also have some insight into her tendencies when things in your relationship become difficult, she looks to someone else for validation. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

I guess what I am saying is that I held onto the anger and resentment of the affair. I didn't process my feelings. Even though I took her back and tried hard to never bring it up, it manifested itself in other ways during arguments and the way I treated her. I certainly didn't see this coming. In October we were holding hands during IVF consultations and planning the birth of our first child. In November we are on the road to separation.

 

 

I am prepared for the fact that while I trust her, I need to keep both eyes open. If she chooses to date other people or try to do so behind my back, it will be a clear line that this is over. I cannot forgive her again if she chooses that path. I am just hopeful that no contact briefly will help her realize that she misses me. My hopes are not high however....

[Marc878]

Check the phone bill online

[DKT3]

Some here always think I jump to conclusions in these situations, but about halfway through your OP I knew your wife was cheating, couple post later you say she is upset because you were angry she had an affair.

 

Dude forget the flowers stop allowing her to blame you for her crap. No marriage is perfect but given a scorecard I would say you should be the one looking for space from an alcoholic unfaithful unremorseful ungrateful woman.

[Ronni_W]

During this time, looking back at the relationship, I seem to be the only ones that sees the great times.

No, that's not how it is, only how it appears. The person who has decided to leave almost always (not always, but almost always) does need to focus on the actual reasons that they see,

that makes leaving the better option than staying.

I give her space, then she texts and calls me.

As difficult as it may be, find your self-control and do not let her do this to you.

What she also needs to see from you is someone who has his own inner compass of how he will and will not be treated, and will stand up and speak out for his own sense of 'proper' and 'inappropriate'.

A strong sense of self, and of self-identity. People need to see this in their mates.

 

, but have told her that I am very willing to change.

Stop telling and start showing. My now-ex-husband was forever saying, "I'll do anything" and "I'll change everything"...but he never actually did one thing nor change a single thing.

 

Stop talking, start doing...your own self-healing and growth and development. When you start to be successful at this, she will notice it, and will know it,

and will come to realize that your words are not just empty promises meant to blow smoke.

When you overcome the challenges of your own childhood, and your prior and other relationships and experiences, or, at least, when you start to work to overcome all of that,

then she will know that there is genuine potential for having something better with you in the future than you were able to offer in the past.

 

Not to complicate matters, but an important fact. We had planned to do IVF in January.

It is certainly important. It may even well have been the 'trigger point' for her, when she had to consider the reality of raising a child with someone who has not yet learned truly proper adult ways

of resolving conflicts and having difficult conversations -- which you describe as your tendency to keep going so that you 'wear her down during arguments'. It gets tiring, and draining and depleting;

and it sucks up the other person's good will towards you, and their self-esteem.

 

Wishing you the best.

Edited January 24, 2019 by Ronni_W
Clarification

[Confusedone21]

Well, a little update... I took some of the advice given here and drove by her house tonight, which is just a mile away and on the way home. I got the pleasure of seeing her walking out and kissing her new fling.......

 

You would think this would give me closure, but I am feeling insane. This pain sucks and it seems like nothing will take it away now.

[elaine567]

Just keep up with the counseling.

 

Try sending her flowers with an apology acknowledging that you were wrong for making her feel bad.

 

 

Many abused women hate flowers, as what often happens after a particularly "bad event", the abuser apologies profusely, and gives her flowers.

The flowers don't help as they are just an easy and lazy "fix", they mean nothing, they solve nothing, as she soon learns the abuse continues anyway.

The "apology" counts for nothing and the "apologetic" flowers in time come to serve just as a reminder of the abuse.

[elaine567]

Well, a little update... I took some of the advice given here and drove by her house tonight, which is just a mile away and on the way home. I got the pleasure of seeing her walking out and kissing her new fling.......

 

You would think this would give me closure, but I am feeling insane. This pain sucks and it seems like nothing will take it away now.

Go speak with your therapist and discuss coping strategies.

It is hard but you will come out the other side into a better place. You have already made progress.

Lots of stuff very wrong with this marriage, you have the opportunity once the grieving is over, to make a new start with someone else.

[DKT3]

Abuse gets thrown around alot, dealing with anger based on your bad behavior doesn't necessarily make it abuse. Honestly, your wife comes off as extremely entitled and seems to be blame shifting and gaslighting you.

 

Repeat offender on the cheating, acting like you have no right to be upset over her previous affair and now clearly engaged in another affair, I can see why you feel insane, cheaters tend to drive the cheated there, staying there is on you. You know, what you going to do now?

[Confusedone21]

Abuse gets thrown around alot, dealing with anger based on your bad behavior doesn't necessarily make it abuse. Honestly, your wife comes off as extremely entitled and seems to be blame shifting and gaslighting you.

 

Repeat offender on the cheating, acting like you have no right to be upset over her previous affair and now clearly engaged in another affair, I can see why you feel insane, cheaters tend to drive the cheated there, staying there is on you. You know, what you going to do now?

 

I know that it needs to be over. I haven't slept all night. I am sick to my stomach over this. How could I be so wrong? Of course, I think that I have driven her to this. That thought actually is at the forefront of my mind. She was actually upset last night that I confronted him, despite the affair going on while she was living with me.

 

I have never really been a religious person, but I find myself praying a lot for the strength to do whats right. I just literally need to grieve before I do anything drastic I think.

[Orokotikki]

You know what, I just read a researched based article the other day, and one of the conclusions was that CHEATING IS A CHOICE, and that YOU CAN'T MAKE YOUR SPOUSE CHEAT ON YOU.

 

Its something they DECIDE to do. And in some ways thats worse and harder to deal with, but it is the truth.

 

I am so sorry for your pain right now.

But TODAY, in the next 24 hours, SECURE your finances. Within the next 48 hours have an appointment with a lawyer and a therapist.

 

Do these things for the sake of your future. Please.

[Mr. Lucky]

How could I be so wrong?

 

You weren't. In your own way, filled with the same faults any human being brings to a relationship, you loved and were faithful to her.

 

You weren't wrong, she was. And now, apparently more than once, I might add...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simple Logic]

Some here always think I jump to conclusions in these situations, but about halfway through your OP I knew your wife was cheating, couple post later you say she is upset because you were angry she had an affair.

 

Dude forget the flowers stop allowing her to blame you for her crap. No marriage is perfect but given a scorecard I would say you should be the one looking for space from an alcoholic unfaithful unremorseful ungrateful woman.

 

Or a woman who has been abused to the point alcohol and affairs were her only escape and she is unremoresful and unwilling to go back to the venom filled snake pit.

 

Without both sides of the story no one can judge.

[DKT3]

Or a woman who has been abused to the point alcohol and affairs were her only escape and she is unremoresful and unwilling to go back to the venom filled snake pit.

 

Without both sides of the story no one can judge.

 

Nope, no one has ever caused anyone else to become an alcoholic or have an affair. It's how she chose to deal with problems.

Edited January 24, 2019 by DKT3