Where to begin

[elaine567]

Or a woman who has been abused to the point alcohol and affairs were her only escape and she is unremoresful and unwilling to go back to the venom filled snake pit.

 

Without both sides of the story no one can judge.

 

 

That is true.

Abused, neglected or damaged women often turn to alcohol and/or seek out comfort elsewhere.

[Orokotikki]

That is true.

Abused, neglected or damaged women often turn to alcohol and/or seek out comfort elsewhere.

 

Just as true how often cheaters suddenly start claiming every argument or heated exchange was really 'abuse' after the fact of their affair.

 

I never once raised my voice in anger to my wife before her affair.

I have a few times since, not since R, but it is not easy to not do so.

 

Some abuse is black and white.

Some isn't.

 

Fact is none of get license to put others through hell just because they put us through hell.

 

OP has owned his angry outbursts, but by no means was his wife's only possible escape an affair. That's on her. It takes agency to have an affair, agency which she could just as well used to LEAVE instead of STABBING HIM IN THE BACK... AGAIN.

[Confusedone21]

Thank you all.. My wife was honest today about everything. Two affairs, one in August and a second that began last month.

 

I feel like I am going crazy, but I want to take her back. Is this normal? I should have different feelings. I am not even sure what she wants. I need to be done with this all.

[Orokotikki]

Thank you all.. My wife was honest today about everything. Two affairs, one in August and a second that began last month.

 

I feel like I am going crazy, but I want to take her back. Is this normal? I should have different feelings. I am not even sure what she wants. I need to be done with this all.

 

It is normal.

We are wired to be jealous.

Do not do it.

Secure your finances today.

Meet with an IC and lawyer tomorrow.

 

If she knows you will take her back after 2 affairs, she knows you will take her back after 50. DON'T.

 

What she wants, is to have nice secure, familiar you to fallback on after she tries and fails trade up repeatedly or just have sex with someone else. Over and over.

 

Escape from this hell.

[Normm]

You need to gain control of this wild bronco. She's running all over the farm and you're chasing after her trying to grab the reins and failing miserably.

 

She's had all the power and control in the relationship probably from day one. She cheats, you let her get away with it. She cheats again, rinse and repeat. She says she wants out, you give her flowers.

 

Yes your actions are weak and pathetic. She won't respect or love you as long as you continue to grovel at her feet and allow her to run all over you. Things will go from very bad to even worse unless you take stock in yourself and find your inner strength and realize you will be ok without her.

[Orokotikki]

Also, do not for one second think she is now "Honest about everything".

She may have gave you some new details but she has only admitted to things you have already caught her doing.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like I am going crazy, but I want to take her back.

 

That would make perfect sense, if it was after she:

 

- was truthful and honest about what has happened

- showed remorse and not just regret over being caught

- did the hard work involved in rebuilding your relationship

- offered complete transparency in word and deed

- went NC with all AP's

- changed jobs if this was work related

- offered you the option of divorce and eventual remarriage to prove her sincerity and commitment

- gave you space to process your anger

- did IC to understand her choices and broken decision making

 

Then I might consider it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confusedone21]

That would make perfect sense, if it was after she:

 

- was truthful and honest about what has happened

- showed remorse and not just regret over being caught

- did the hard work involved in rebuilding your relationship

- offered complete transparency in word and deed

- went NC with all AP's

- changed jobs if this was work related

- offered you the option of divorce and eventual remarriage to prove her sincerity and commitment

- gave you space to process your anger

- did IC to understand her choices and broken decision making

 

Then I might consider it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very insightful. Thank you.

She was honest about way more than I knew. Down to every dirty detail. She also said that she did not really feel remorseful and was very worried why. She said she needs to be alone to figure out what she wants. She refuses to cut contact with her AP. Sounds like this situation is pretty dead. I just need to find the inner strength to handle my ****. We are going to a marriage counselor tomorrow morning for our 7th session. She starts her own Counseling on Monday. She says she needs the help to figure out why she keeps making these decisions.

[Orokotikki]

I would skip the marriage counseling if she hasn't broken it off.

Wake up friend, have you secured yourself financially to prevent her from clearing out all your joint accounts? Switches get flipped in their brain and they can turn nasty fast.

[Confusedone21]

I would skip the marriage counseling if she hasn't broken it off.

Wake up friend, have you secured yourself financially to prevent her from clearing out all your joint accounts? Switches get flipped in their brain and they can turn nasty fast.

 

First thing I did was move all my cash out of the joint account. I am hoping that this doesn’t turn nasty. But expecting that it could.

[WorstFeelingEver]

OP, Sorry you are here & going through this. I...(And many of us)... have been where you are now.... Like many here, after reading your first few posts, I knew she was cheating. It is almost the same script, different story line, different man.

 

I agree with the same saying__"once a cheater, always a cheater"___and look, she confessed to you the 2 affairs, AFTER you busted her & AP together...why didn't she tell you about the affair when she "needed time to figure things out"???

 

And she has only told you of these 2 AP's. What about the last possible 4 years worth of affairs?? She is not being faithful to you & never will again!

 

Things to do ASAP:

 

1. STOP all direct deposit to joint account___Yesterday.

 

2. Get your cash out of joint account NOW...& stop (freeze) her from ATM withdrawal access... If you don't, She will empty it!!

 

3. open your own bank account at another bank, <<Notice I said ANOTHER BANK..... without her knowing & transfer your direct deposit at new bank.

 

4. Do you pay the Mortgage / Bills / Utilities? You need to now.

You will need to place a little of your DD in joint account to keep status quo, paying the bills, mortgage, utilities.

 

5. Start looking at attorneys. A lot of them offer 30 min. to 1 hour free consultation. Prepare your questions before talking to an attorney.

 

6. Start collecting all of your important stuff, I.E. savings bond, bank statements, passport, birth certificate, etc...

 

number 5 is important. You need to at least talk to one. And, when you file for "D", & have her served, this will wake her up from her fantasies.....

 

You are hoping it doesn't turn nasty....Oh wait, it will!!

[Mr. Lucky]

I am hoping that this doesn’t turn nasty. But expecting that it could.

 

Since she's already sleeping with someone else, I assume you mean "nastier".

 

Confusedone21, you need to accept there's a new set of rules. She's no longer on the team, so your focus should be on you and yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chaparral]

Next up. Google serial cheater. Three affairs you know of. Unfortunately a serial cheater can not change. Get a lawyer and thank God you didn’t have children. Whatever you are, she’s a monster.

[Confusedone21]

Next up. Google serial cheater. Three affairs you know of. Unfortunately a serial cheater can not change. Get a lawyer and thank God you didn’t have children. Whatever you are, she’s a monster.

 

Thank you all... I am working on finding the strength. I actually protected my money right off the bat, first day. So at least I made some smart choices. She took a little under half of the money.

 

We are going to probably our last marriage counseling today. Wish me luck. Not luck to find a way back to her, the strength to end this madness.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are going to probably our last marriage counseling today. Wish me luck. Not luck to find a way back to her, the strength to end this madness.

 

A counselor will obviously know one possible outcome of marital difficulties can be separation and divorce. You might use this last session to discuss navigating that process amicably...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WorstFeelingEver]

"She took a little under half of the money."

 

 

Gosh, wish I was here earlier to tell you that she would!!

_____________________________________________________________

 

"She was honest about way more than I knew. Down to every dirty detail. She also said that she did not really feel remorseful"

 

 

Because she is used to this life & has been for a while now!

_____________________________________________________________

 

"Two affairs, one in August and a second that began last month"

 

2 affairs in 4 months!!___ I am willing to bet on the Superbowl, (with money I do not have, cause EXWIFE has it) she has had more affairs than this the last 4-5 years_______If this is not BETRAYAL, I don't know what is.... why would you want her back???

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Stop wasting your money on MC. You are going to need $$ for your attorney!!! Do you the going rate per hour for an attorney???

 

Again, sorry, you are here & going through this....as we all have.... We know it is painful.... As Chaparral stated___good thing you did not have kids with her. You would have been paying on CS for 18 years....

 

This was a marriage in where_____You both made VOWS to each other. Most vows are___

--For better, for worse,____All marriages have this sometime or other

 

--For richer, for poorer,____you experienced this as well in marriage with gambling.

 

--In good times, in bad times___Again all marriages experience this

 

--AND forsaking ALL others.___something she obliviously doesn't understand.

[preraph]

What you have admitted doing to her is so disrespectful, and it sounds like constant gaslighting, trying to turn it around and put it on her. No wonder she is confused. She probably doesn't know if she is crazy or imagined it all or anything at this point. It's good you're in therapy, but I don't know if you are able to change something that basic and just all of a sudden start taking responsibility for yourself and accepting blame and fully accepting it and you need to realize that such disrespect that she had been subjected to doesn't leave much room for love.

 

Your gambling problem is always going to be something that makes her never be able to trust you too. I can see where she'd be better off on her own, really, working on her own issues and let you work on yours. I hope counseling leads you somewhere, either gives you both the confidence to end it or the tools to fix it.