Truly Letting Go

[MeadowFlower]

What are things that you have personally done or know of others doing, to truly let go and release entirely, your ex?

[Nilfiry]

Understanding that life is ephemeral, things come and go, you only hurt yourself by fighting the inevitability of change, your happiness comes from within, you are already complete, untamed thoughts leads to more suffering, and all the other stuff like that--you know, things that sound simple but 99% of people cannot do it at all?

 

Yeah, once you see through the nature of life, you can still feel hurt at times, but you can also pick things up and let things go much easier without it dwelling on you for long.

[Beachead]

What are things that you have personally done or know of others doing, to truly let go and release entirely, your ex?

 

Hi Meadowflower,

 

In my 1st 2 relationships, I was a dumpee. Too weak to let go. Hopeful that maybe they would change their mind. I completely disregarded my immediate emotional needs in hopes to be with them again one day. So when they wanted to stay in touch and "Be Friends"..I accepted. Ended up taking some serious emotional punishment for 2 years with each of them until I was a shell of myself. At which I finally implemented NC..after I experience twice, what a sham "friendship" was post-breakup.

 

I ended up going through another breakup with someone new unfortunately but I used a lot of the lessons in the past to help me with it. First thing I did differently was, I blocked her on social media, erased all photos of us, and bagged all the stuff she had bought me the night of. I didn't want any reminders of her. I knew I was in shock. I knew the shock would wear off in a week or two and I had a good feeling once that would happen, I would feel tempted to clear the air or clear things up for myself if I had any questions. So the solution I came up with was to give myself a 2 period of contact. Didn't matter whether she or I messaged as long as it was within this period of time. But once the 2 weeks were up, that was it. No more talk. I deleted her number and a few weeks after that, I threw the stuff I had bagged away. It was over. The only reason I gave myself that 2 week grace period was because I didn't want to look back 6 months later, wishing I had said something. The 2 week grace-period was for me. I had hope yes..but I also knew I was probably in denial, I knew I was battling separation anxiety. I knew a lot of things from the wisdom I gained from prior experiences and it afforded me a far smoother exit this time around. It was still painful. It still took time, but it was smoother.

 

If I have to go through this crap again one day, I'll apply the same techniques except this time, I won't do a 2 week grace period. I'll say my peace and cut them out right after they end it. If they want out, they'll get it, but they'll get it without me around.

 

- Beach

 

Ps. I will respond to your message soon.

Edited January 23, 2019 by Beachead

[Twizzlestick]

Hi Beachead

 

When you did the above, 2 week grace then disappear did your ex ever reach out to you?

 

OP - good question. I’m really struggling at the minute. I’m unable to leave denial and bargaining.

 

I’ve gone into no contact. I can’t bring myself to unfriend social media. You can see the picture being painted here. A big bit of me is hoping she’ll contact me when she sees hints of me doing new things via social media posts over time. Standard dumpee stuff. Trying to shake that from my brain? Impossible. I’m so weary I can’t even fight myself.

 

Even telling myself I can’t seem to accept the loss. I think I feel if I were to accept the loss now it could derail me getting back to work. Perhaps the hope is what’s needed temporarily to get me through this next challenge and the brain is stalling.

 

I don’t think I will ever be able to get over her. When the loss does seep through it’s so gigantic my mind switches it off and says “no this isn’t happening don’t be stupid” and genuinely believes she’ll ring up any second. It’s quite disturbing when that happens. It’s like a slip in reality. It’s like contemplating a family member has suddenly gone and left you by choice.

 

We were extremely close and it was 11 years. I’m actuallt quite frightened as think once my brain does come out of denial it will be horrific for a long time. I think the fear is keeping my brain from it. But what you say interests me as no amount of muttering “she’s gone she’s gone” over seems to work.

[Beachead]

Hi Beachead

 

When you did the above, 2 week grace then disappear did your ex ever reach out to you?

 

<SNIP>

 

Thanks for asking.

 

Yes she did. About 3 weeks after, she sent me an email regarding a job ad. I didn't respond to it initially but it did mess my head up and plant a seed in me. 3 weeks after that email, I reached out to her clear the air and to let her know, despite the fights we had in our relationship, I understood and it was all okay. She responded and told me she had promised her new boyfriend she'd never speak to me again, and that was the end of it. No acknowledgement of what I had sent her. It hurt, but it was okay because it told me everything I needed to know. That that email was a breadcrumb. That was the last time we talked. And yes, I broke NC but I'm glad I did because if I hadn't done it, I would have wondered whether that email was bs or not and I would have regretted it.

 

The best we can do is establish goals to reach and try to accomplish them. But sometimes, we won't. We're human. We fail, we make mistakes. We break NC. Or, I end up messaging after my 2 week grace-period rule. And it's okay because atleast if we don't manage to accomplish our goals, we get close to it by simply striving to reach it and that in my books is still forward momentum which is still a win. And trust me, the pain you feel from breaking NC and contacting your ex will be enough to remind you that staying in touch can't be done. It only strengthens your confidence in what you need to do for yourself. I ended up healing much faster than I did in my former 2 relationships.

 

Ps. If you want to know whether your ex might contact you or not, I'll say this. The longer your relationship was, the more likely. If they've met someone however, you won't hear from them. They only come back when they're feeling alone or occasionally miss you. Yes, they do think about you but most times, it's a passing thought. Whether or not they act on those thoughts is a different matter. If they do act on it and contact you, be leery of it.

Edited January 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Borntoelevate]

I once read a quote that read 'nothing in life has any meaning, except for the meaning you give it'. If you can reframe the break up as something positive (even mildly positive), I think that goes some way in letting go.

[Happy Lemming]

Similar to Beached, box up anything that reminds you of that person including pictures, etc. Put said box deep in the back of a closet. I never destroy pictures, as they are part of my past and I may want to re-visit them years down the road.

 

Wash all of the sheets, towels, etc. (anything that might smell like her goes into the washer). Give the house a good spring cleaning, make sure I haven't missed anything (a lost earring or scrap of paper) that might remind me of her.

 

Then go out and try to be social. Try to join the human race, have a beer and a steak at my local pub, maybe treat myself to some cheese laden and bacon appetizers. Something for me!!

[MeadowFlower]

@Beach, yea it's kinda good in a way for the dumpee to get answers from the dumper at the time and say what they want to say. So that like you said, the dumpee isn't looking back wishing they had said something to the dumper. Within reason, of course.

 

Ps. If you want to know whether your ex might contact you or not, I'll say this. The longer your relationship was, the more likely. If they've met someone however, you won't hear from them.

There isn't much chance of him coming back if this is the case. One thing being, he's met someone. There are still cases of them coming back even after being with someone else, is there?

 

 

@Twizzlestick, that must be painful, "We were extremely close and it was 11 years."

[AT15]

One year ago I met a man. I met him at the end of a roller coaster relationship with an ex, who was a narcissist. Needless to say, I was thrilled to focus on a new man that I genuinely liked. I ended up moving too fast with this new guy and wanting more than a hook up. He was flakey at best and within 6 months of dating he went ghost on me.

 

For 5 months I suffered, yet again, in silence. Finally, I reached out to him. We exchanged pleasantries. I never addressed his disappearance and neither did he. We chatted a few times and then he disappeared again.

 

This time is different. I accepted that we would never be anything. I let go. No heartache, no uneasy feelings. There are still some residual feelings there, but nothing I can't handle.

 

I also started to see him in a different role. He isn't the love of my life. He's just a guy that I got overly attached to, and ended up getting hurt.

 

I learned a lesson too. I learned about how my state of mind led me to cling to this man ( looking to feel loved after I had been discarded).

 

I feel like letting him go has served me in the best way, not just healing in the present moment, but even the past that I was carrying with me.

 

As for the future, it's unknown. And that's amazing because what ever occurs, I know I will make my choice based on a love for myself and what I need in a relationship, which will not be escapism or fantasy.

 

For the past 5 years, I was in one negative relationship after another. I'm done with that. I'm not looking back. One day, a great guy will come into mylife. And I will be healthy and whole and he will be healthy and whole.

 

I hope my story helps in some way.

[Sarah_Smiles]

I honestly do not think you can fully let go and release, something will always remind you of them, or someone, and it will trigger memories.. maybe a brain transplant, or amnesia will work. Just being honest, it is hard, if they were a full on nasty piece of work, and didn't offer much love or compassion or good memories then it could be well easier to let go of them. I moved countries away and even that didn't work. Takes time and maybe another person down the road to come into your heart and life and treat you better, happiness will help on letting go of someone and something too.