LDR & Keeping Options Open - Your Thoughts

[Nitena]

I met a guy online just a month back and let my guard down by allowing our friendship to have an emotional & intimate connection. I strongly value my friendships & rarely let that happen.

 

Turns out he has "friends" esp. one who ultimately takes precedence with whom he plans to meet in 2 months and possibly have something "intimate + serious but not solid".

He has never met her & doesn't support the idea of LDRs overall. He has met other women & have been intimately & financially involved. Even now with the one taking temp. residence in an apartment he shares w/his family.

 

On my part of curiosity, can you explain :

1) What would happen if he met another woman anytime before his trip and actually made a serious connection ?

2) What happens to that woman he is going to see in a few months?

3) Do you believe it is ultimatly hurt if a man keeps his options open but doesn't come clean from the beginning when he pursues other women?

4) Do you support the idea of keeping options open in a LDR ? Is it not a waste of time, hopes and emotions.

 

Side note, based on what I learnt of his situation I pulled away but as it is all a learning process I was curious about the above. Pick any and answer.

[grays]

I think it makes perfect sense to keep options open, and it’s completely crazy not do so if you haven’t met the person IRL. But absolutely should be transparent to all.

 

If he meets someone else and makes a real connection before meeting the long distance penpal, yes, he will dump the penpal and he’d be crazy not to. Burd in the hand...

 

You might feel strongly about a penpal relationship, but so much of it is filled in by your imagination that it’s just a fantasy relationship. You have no idea how you’re gonna actually feel about that person until you physically meet them. I’ve never had a LDR with someone I’ve never met, but I’ve had a few OLD experiences where we couldn’t meet right away and texted/talked for a while first. Some were exactly what I’d hoped, some shockingly not.

[Nitena]

Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply ?

We (him and I) had quite a similar discussion in the initial stages about the same point you shared.

I understand what both of you have as a perspective on how to handle LDRs.

I know I'm still stubborn on accepting how LDRs of that nature makes sense. What happens to the "sacrifice" he claims she has made? Where would all those connections & emotions go if he fell in love with some other woman?

So, I assume LDRs of this nature are meaningless and should not be taken seriously until you've met the next person, and best practice would be not getting deeply emotional until after meeting the person in real life.

[grays]

I actually think it’s not quite fair to ditch the long distance woman who has invested in the possible future relationship. But it would just be ridiculous for him to pass up someone he knows he likes for someone he has never met. I’d feel bad for the long distance one, but a person really, really shouldn’t be investing in a way that will leave them hurt in a case like that. Sad for her, but maybe an important lesson to learn.

 

The other thing about this hypothetical is — why not find someone close to home??? I can see getting involved with someone you met in another location and really clicked with or having a relationship with someone who ends up having to move for some reason and continuing the relationship. But why put yourself through the long distance thing for someone you have no connection to in real life? If you meet someone online in your town, that’s bad enough. They have no real context, you don’t know their people and unless you’re going to ask them for some kind of evidence, no way to know that they’re telling the truth. If they’re in a whole nother geographical location that’s a huge leap.

 

I had a whole love affair with a guy in another state one time who I had no intention of actually meeting. I never lied to him and acted like I was going to. I told him I had just broken up with my husband of 25 years like a month earlier and I was just looking for a distraction, someone to text with and think about because I was feeling so alone. For about three weeks it was the best thing ever and did a great job at exactly what I needed. Then one day he just totally disappeared. And then I was left thinking that for all I knew he was a 14 year old boy or at least likely not anything like he claimed to be. And that was fine for me under those circumstances, but to feel like you’re meeting a partner that way just seems insane to me.

[Nitena]

For what he said he doesn't support LDRs. He doesn't want to be in love with the idea of a person and would rather meet them first. I agree with that.

The woman who is in Central Am..is not much diff. from the one he met in South Am. He has a friendship that leads to him traveling to meet them onto intimate relationship and whatever the results then determines if gets serious.

 

His intentions are no diff. when he plans to go meet her for the first time. He just has hopes thrown in, as expected.

 

I find it a bit crazy, and that's what made me curious.

 

I never had intentions of meeting someone online for love/relationship, I found a friend who I let my guard down with. I have other intl. friends and we relate well.

[ExpatInItaly]

It makes sense to keep his options open when it doesn't sound like he's serious about any of these women - you included, OP.

 

He's having fun with these women, having sex with these women, enjoys the idea of an exotic fling in a far-flung destination, and enjoys the idea of the chase and the thrill of travel. If he's happy and honest with these women that he is seeing and pursuing others, hey, more power to him.

 

Would I seriously pursue a guy like this? Not if I was looking for a committed relationship, I sure wouldn't.

[minimariah2]

And that was fine for me under those circumstances, but to feel like you’re meeting a partner that way just seems insane to me.

 

ehhhh - when you really think about it, people have RL relationships for years, living together and all and they STILL get ghosted.

 

looking for a partner online certainly worked for some - my colleague from Europe had an online LDR with a man in Canada for almost 2 years before they finally met. they've been married for 12 years with 2 kids now.

 

it doesn't work for MANY, for obvious reasons but it does work for some. and that "some" is enough to give people hope so they give it a shot.

[justwhoiam]

he has "friends" esp. one who ultimately takes precedence with whom he plans to meet in 2 months and possibly have something "intimate + serious but not solid".

Serious but not solid? What does that mean? Are you using his own words?

 

 

 

He has never met her & doesn't support the idea of LDRs overall.

Men rarely have strong convictions... so never take that too seriously. There are too many variables that could make such a statement insignificant.

 

He has met other women & have been intimately & financially involved.

Met online you mean? Or in general?

 

Even now with the one taking temp. residence in an apartment he shares w/his family.

So he got together with a "woman" who's living with him under his parents' roof and he's looking for other girls online?

 

 

can you explain :

1) What would happen if he met another woman anytime before his trip and actually made a serious connection ?

He'd have several options. I'd guess most likely he'd go on his trip anyway. And after that he would decide. Also, I think that he might meet several girls online, not just one. How old is he?

2) What happens to that woman he is going to see in a few months?

He might keep both relationships.

3) Do you believe it is ultimatly hurt if a man keeps his options open but doesn't come clean from the beginning when he pursues other women?

I think it'd be better for him to let anyone he's getting involved with know that he's in for an open relationship, or something casual. But that doesn't happen at times if the guy thinks she will run away and he doesn't feel like losing his chance and wants to keep her around.

4) Do you support the idea of keeping options open in a LDR ?

No.

Is it not a waste of time, hopes and emotions.

No. I think it depends on the people.

 

I pulled away but

Are you still around if he gets in touch with you?