Don't even know where to begin to deal with this

[Mrs._December]

But without a doubt he lied to me this week. You can't pocket dial 4 times and assign a contact!!!

Has anyone ever used a private investigator?

What more evidence do you NEED? You yourself said you've confronted him for shady behavior in the past, so it's painfully obvious this guy has been a serial cheater for years.

 

You keep obsessing over getting 'evidence' when you know you have more than enough to hang the guy.

 

You're just finding ways to stall the inevitable by concentrating on details because it keeps you from having to face the bigger picture. You married a gay/bisexual serial cheater and chasing all the details in the world isn't going to CHANGE that. I get that you're dealing with a terminal family member but you're spending needless time and effort rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic at this point.

 

What you SHOULD be doing is getting to a lawyer and getting your financial ducks in a row. Surely you don't intend to actually stay with this man? No therapist is going to magically make him not gay or bisexual. Ain't happening.

[Orokotikki]

Quietly contact a lawyer and secure your finances to understand your options.

You already know enough to know he's cheating.

Really, it was enough to tell from sleeping with phone under pillow - normal folk don't do that.

 

Unless you are in an 'at-fault' state, which a lawyer can clarify, there is not really any need for additional evidence of his infidelity.

 

Sorry you are here, try to concentrate on protecting yourself - not what he is up to.

Follow these steps even if you want to save the M. You need to be willing to lose it, to save it and have one worth saving.

 

And gently, I wouldn't advise you to save it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then I noticed he erased the 3 other phone numbers he called. And 1 of them he even asdigned as a contact named Ashley Rachel? Then even that got erased another day later.

 

Understand if you’re still sleeping with him you could be subject to substantial health risks...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cally1975]

The reason I have had such a strong determination to seek proof is because I do live in at fault state.

I have contacted a lawyer to inquire about rights and laws. I also hired a PI to find digital evidence on his phone. Which he did and printed a report.

I was holding off on confrontation but couldn't do it any longer. My husband even of all things celebrated our dating anniversary. He bought me flowers and very sappy emotional cards. He insisted on taking me to dinner. The whole time I am just stewing and so distant. So the very next day I just couldn't do it anymore. I told him sit down we need to talk.

First the PI found the dating sites. There was not one message sent nor did he pay for the site to be able to message anyone. On the dating aps he installed he didn't pay money to go further. He deleted them the very same day he downloaded it. He has seen the dialed numbers and had it printed in the report. He also seen where he has been on line gambling a lot. He also seen where he created another facebook account and never activated it. The facebook was an alias name. But no messages etc he never even activated it to make it legit. But said strong circumstantial evidence that there is intent. He advised me to call that phone number and try to find out evidence. The girl answered. She appologized as she herself was cheated on and is going through a divorce. She said he appeared to be drinking pretty good. He was not wearing a wedding ring. Nor did he say he was married. That he wasn't flirty or touchy. Just overly friendly. She said in my opinion I as a wife would be pissed. She said in her opinion there was intent. He called her phone that night and she never answered. Nor has she talked to him since. Nor did she care to ever. She offered a statement if I needed one.

Okay so the husband admitted when confronted that he messed up big. That he was out drinking got a number then dialed it. He said he felt horrible the next day. He said he totally crossed a line. He could understand if I wanted to leave him.

On the transgender dating sites you could tell he was ashamed and embarrassed. At first he tried to deny. He said he thought his phone had a virus. I told him I had proof and used professionals. It is his IP address to his phone. He came clean and said it is a fetish and he don't know why. Like to look at porn or pictures on dating sites. But would never want to actually engage in it. I asked if he was bisexual or ever had experience with this he said no. He is very attracted to women his whole life as far as the act of sex. He said he had been cheated on by every girl he ever dated and he thinks it changed him more then he knows. He said it's like he is always looking for something else when the best thing is right in front of him with me. That he has never actually acted sexually on it with anyone ever in our relationship. But the thought, dating sites, going to a bar etc doesn't make it right at all. He told me he has suffered depression many times in his life. That he doesn't know of this is contributing to it. That he is willing for marriage counseling and individual counseling. He is willing to share all passwords and to have a tracker put on his phone. That he doesn't want to lose me. And will do what ever it takes.

I am not downplaying what he did at all. Just stating his reaction to everything. I don't know if I am even considering staying. I am not even taking it day by day. I feel like it's minute by minute. I am so angry and hurt and betrayed. I feel some relief to have confronted him and got that off my chest. But these emotions of mine are all over the place.

He again swore on the lives of our children he has never kissed, had sex with anyone in our entire relationship. He understood that I had doubts for very good reason. That he would submit to any test to prove he didn't have anything. And felt very ashamed that I felt I needed to be tested and had to go through that.

This was the first time he has ever really opened up or been that emotional. He talked about a lot in the past before me and just talked and talked.

I still don't know where I stand at all. I appreciate all the advice here from everyone. It feels good to have a place to vent. I am sorry for anyone that has ever went through this.

[Mr. Lucky]

He again swore on the lives of our children he has never kissed, had sex with anyone in our entire relationship.

 

To believe this, you'd have to accept he's been lying to you for years but telling the truth now.

 

As I'd guess you already know, not very likely...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Hi OP.

 

As strange as it may sound, your husband's fetish is actually a thing. There are apparently men who like "tranny porn". You can do an internet search on "The strange new science behind a billion wicked thoughts" to learn a bit more if you wish.

 

"A Billion Wicked Thoughts" is a big data research project done on sexuality using internet search data and the tranny porn stuff is one of their weirder findings. The specific search I gave you above will get you to a Psychology Today article on this point.

 

So, apparently it's not just him. Obviously, that doesn't make it OK to join dating sites and similar behind your back though.

 

I will leave it to others to weigh in further on the infidelity aspect.

 

Wishing you the best of luck with what must be a very difficult situation...

[aliveagain]

Perhaps passing a polygraph should be part of reconciliation as should a post nuptial agreement giving you more of the assets if you divorce due to his infidelity. Independent counselling needs to be a requirement for continuing the marriage, he obviously has FOO issues. Your husband has a lot of issues, you need expert help, don't try and fix this on your own.

[Cally1975]

Alive,

I was thinking the exact same thing about polygraph. I actually inquired about it today. I won't even consider reconcilation without one. Of course my emotions are all over the place. I don't even know if I have the strength.

Since last post I also discovered he was going to erotic massage parlors. 2 were in his map. I confronted and he is claiming he only got a massage. That he didn't receive anything sexual. He is claiming without a doubt he will take this polygraph test. He is swearing up and down that there was no sex, hand jobs etc with anyone. As far as me I don't trust his words at all. But why so adamant a small part of me is hoping there is truth.