mortensorchid Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I have been told this by many people on a personal as well as a professional level, which is to smile more at others. I am just stone faced, I rarely if ever crack a smile. Why? Not sure, there are probably a lot of deep seeded childhood trauma reasons why or why not people do things that they do, me being no exception. However, I have said it's not my personality to smile. I'm all alone in the house for example and I would be smiling for no reason? It's a great rhetorical question : What's the purpose of doing anything if there's no one around to see you do it? Also, I have met people who are very manipulative who have used smiling (as in women) to get the things they want. I am thinking of two gals I used to be friends with - neither of them are ravishing beauties but they have a certain little cuteness in their faces. And both of them knew from an early age that cute little girls who give out cute little smiles get the things they want from people. Someone held it and continues to hold it over my head that neither of these gals is ever lonely, they always have plenty of boyfriends around them at all times. I also pointed out that both of them are biopolar, are alcoholics, and the guys they attract tend to be jailbirds and losers rather than a respectable person. This kind of "put me off of smiling", if that makes sense. I am kind of at a loss now. I've been told to show more skin in the summer to attract men, I've been told to smile more, I've been told to "be filrty" with others when I am talking to them. But ... I feel like I am not who I really AM, if that makes sense. Any thoughts on this? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 If smiling really doesn't come naturally to you then any attempt to do so when you're not feeling it probably would come off as fake. So I wouldn't recommend you act in a way that's not authentic for you. I'm not sure what to suggest though. I actually DO smile when I'm alone - in response to my cats pouncing on imaginary objects while they are playing, to seeing a beautiful sunny sky (especially right now in the dead of winter), remembering something that makes me happy, etc. Do you not have similar experiences? I automatically smile at others in greeting, not sure why, it's just part of me. Maybe because I grew up seeing my very social and happy mother doing so. I'm not sure NOT smiling is necessarily wrong, but it likely does limit your positive interactions with others. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Are you depressed? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I also smile when I'm alone. When I create something which works, when I have a funny thought, when one of the chickens does something amusing, when there's something funny on the radio. Of course, I don't smile alone for no reason, but there are plenty of reasons to smile when alone. Those women who you call manipulative because they smile - I bet they smile when they're alone too. And I would also imagine that they didn't learn to smile in order to get things - but rather, they smile naturally and nice things come their way because of it. The fact that they can have all kinds of other bad stuff going on (you've said bipolar a number of times - do they have a dx?) but still be happy and smiling is actually a great credit to them. When you're with people, rather than be deadpan, your face should mirror the vibe of what's happening. If they are telling you about something nice or good, smile when you listen. If they are telling you something shocking, then look shocked. If they are teaching you something, use your concentrating face. And if something dreadful has happened, use the appropriate face in response. And frankly, I've been in groups of people and been left out of the conversation and I still smile from the edge so that I don't look like I've got a stick up my rear end. About the only time deadpan is an appropriate response is if you're not engaging with someone. Shopping, in a lecture, exercising etc. Though truth be told, I'm sure I've smiled to myself during those type of activities too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 "City girls just seem to find out early, how to open doors with just a smile..." -The Eagles 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 What? Naah, you do not need to smile to be attractive. There is something quite quaint with an impassive face and stoic personality that is NOT founded upon tons and tons of brooding. As long as you are not that way because of something difficult or serious like depression, then there is no need to fix what is not broken. Forget all the people telling you to be more flirty, show more skin, or smile more when you do not want to. You are fine the way you are. I personally prefer more modesty in speech and attire myself, so I would take your type over the flirty and overly friendly type any day. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I find it amazing that you could somehow find a way to find a negative in a smile (in your post above). I've said it before and i'll say it again, your biggest problem is your negative thinking. It's got to be uncomfortable to be around that and to live that way all the time. Work on fixing that (perhaps you are depressed). I think these things will make the biggest difference in the outcome of your life. And yes start with a smile. It is a scientific fact that your smile can bring up your mood. It's basically expressing the smile first will create the emotion--in reverse of how it usually happens. I don't expect you to "like" my post or say thanks to any of us that have bothered to respond, much like you don't during your many other threads, but also if you want to feel better, you should ATTEMPT to connect with people. An easy way is to SHOW GRATITUDE and ACKNOWLEDGE them in order to build connection and FEEL connected. Another thought after seeing your posts for quite a while and having myself and others saying basically versions of this same thing to you. If you want CHANGE, then you must change. Good luck 8 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Depends. Sometimes women or just people for that matter that are always smiling just givme the shyts personally. In the other hand though , if you have a fairly stern face or look or way about you as a women yeah l would def' lighten it up a bit and put out a bit more warmth. That doesn't have to mean fake or some stupid grin , just some warmth, but eh a smile certainly doesn't hurt either, a cold fish is very off putting. Even as a guy l did make a few adjustments in that way because once ex told me l could kill with a look , l didn't realize but l had noticed people wary of me if l was feeling a bit of colour . Anyway, noticed a big difference once l started watching that stuff. Edited January 25, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I smile and laugh all the time, both with people and when I’m alone. In fact, I have laugh lines developing around my eyes and I love that - it means that I have smiled, laughed, and lived a happy life! I too find it interesting - not that you don’t smile - but that you think it’s a negative and manipulative behavior. I will go out of my way to smile at strangers and say hello, thank you, ask how their day is going... because, it makes me happy to do that and I would like to think that it makes others feel good too! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Back when bank tellers were still a thing....I would smile at each customer as they walked to my window. Not fake, just who I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Grey40 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 For some reason women are always told this all the time at work. It’s a bunch of Bull****. Next time someone says to smile more, tell them they should worry about things that actually matter, Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 While you don't want to be a total wet blanket, I see no reason to put on a smile just because you feel you need to...Nor do I think that people that don't smile often are generally miserable, some are just serious types...It should come naturally... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I always smile and laugh but I am not what you would call a positive or optimistic person. I don't see the two necessarily connected. People are complex and much more nuanced than that. If negative thinking had any real effect on your life, I would be unemployed, homeless, and eating from trash cans. All the negative thinking stuff is a bunch of BS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Smiling/laughing/flirting/friendly banter is how you connect with someone or a room full of people. And with that connection is how people see you as confident and have a positive outlook on life....that is what attracts....they want to be around you and be with you. It's a no brainer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 People have different personality types. I'm outgoing. I smile a lot. I talk to EVERYONE. I compliment random strangers (just this morning, complimented a random Mom at my son's preschool as she was walking out the door in front of me because I liked her nail polish). I really don't care much about what other people think of me. I'm the person that will be the ONLY woman on a dance floor when a band is playing if I like the song. Or the woman that can walk into a sports bar and sit down and talk to the random stranger next to me about a game, the weather, etc. Other people are more introverted. Neither are bad. They're just different. It is perfectly fine and normal to be introverted or serious or more quiet. But if you find yourself miserable and/or judging people that are more outgoing or bubbly, etc. then you should ask yourself why? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I always smile and laugh but I am not what you would call a positive or optimistic person. I don't see the two necessarily connected. People are complex and much more nuanced than that. If negative thinking had any real effect on your life, I would be unemployed, homeless, and eating from trash cans. All the negative thinking stuff is a bunch of BS. Actually you should do some research about this because it does have real effect. Probably can compartmentalized certain areas of your negative thinking and have it work to your advantage in some senses. In work it can be help because you are worrying and combating potential problems with thinking about all the things that can go wrong (probably still holds the person in a lower position than they could otherwise attain though). I think in relationships (social, romantic) it definitely will affect your outcomes. If the person does not sabotage potentially good relationships with their negative thinking, then at the very least others don't enjoy being around them much. A relationship is a two sided thing so this type of thinking will put a person in a harder to get along with slice of the pie than those who do not. Doesn't mean it's impossible just that it's harder. It can also be viewed in the context this post so you don't think it's malarky as a kind way of saying someone has a depressed tendency--which probably means they have bigger things to sort out first to get out of the vicious cycle of crashing and burning for relationships that they so desperately want but are not conducting properly due to thinking patterns which then reinforces the belief system that they are not good enough, what's wrong with me and overall doubt and more negative thinking. So yeah research it--i'm not talking law of attraction stuff, i'm talking real psychology. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Smiling/laughing/flirting/friendly banter is how you connect with someone or a room full of people. And with that connection is how people see you as confident and have a positive outlook on life....that is what attracts....they want to be around you and be with you. It's a no brainer. Yes, exactly psychology aside. This is basic common sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 For some reason women are always told this all the time at work. It’s a bunch of Bull****. Next time someone says to smile more, tell them they should worry about things that actually matter, I completely agree with not giving unsolicited advice about smiling more. If a person's lack of perceived friendliness isn't holding them back, then it's nobody's business but their own. However, of a person starts complaining to people about not having friends or a partner - they are then inviting advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Okay, now I'm genuinely worried about you. Who doesn't smile just because they're alone in their house? You must be very unhappy. I've lived alone for years with my dogs and I crack myself up sometimes. Lots of things make me smile. Now when I was young in my dating years I had a dark persona and I looked very serious a lot, plus I have a bad case of RBF. But I also laughed and smiled went out socially, but one regret I have is that I didn't do it a lot more. I mean I was really scary with the way I dressed and acted and it was all targeted to a certain audience certainly, and it actually worked for me. But I didn't have to go to that extreme and would have been more popular still if I had looked more approachable. What forced me to learn to smile on command was the workplace. I was really climbing the ladder and I was one of those people who was either loved or hated. I found in the workplace I needed to force a smile to make people just not hate me. it's just one of those first impression things and you're dealing with all kinds of people in the workplace. My specialized social life it was fine really, but I had to be more approachable in the workplace. And then after a heartbreak I really put a big face on and made myself keep socializing and ironically that is what I discovered my most beautiful smile. I don't think I had ever used it before. It was the widest possible smile. Magical things happen when I entered a room using it. A normal approachable smile is just moving a couple of muscles. There are other ways to look friendly and approachable such as raising your eyebrows and opening up your face and looking at someone. It is an acknowledgement and shows some interest. And there's one more thing about smiling and that is muscle memory. sometimes making yourself smile actually does make you a little bit happier because of muscle memory. If you always look unhappy and perhaps you always are unhappy, what type of person do you think you're going to attract? Come on. make yourself happier by making yourself approachable and attracting better people. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) This phrase sounds like a Stepford Wives’ societal view of how females should act. I doubt it’s said to men that often. People are attracted to all personality types. I for instance am bubbly smile quite a lot and talk to strangers, but prefer reserved introverted men and am not attracted to “smiley” people. I know a lot of men who prefer women who are reserved or introverted as well, and not necessarily the life of the party. I wouldn’t change my personality to please men. On the other hand if I’m honest, by reading some transcripts of your dating interactions I feel you could be more... playful. You come off on the dry side. There’s a difference between being an introvert and not feeling comfy on how to play the game of dating. Edited January 26, 2019 by edgygirl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 I am an introvert. Also used to be pretty quiet and shy, yet approachable, according to others. There’s a difference between looking serious or not outgoing vs. looking bitter or miserable or giving off a vibe with disdain. Not sure if this makes sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 i dont feel you should force a smile....the best smile is a natural smile....and its in the eyes not the lips..... i dont know mort about what these others in your life are telling you to show some skin...what hand skin....foot skin...belly button skin....just let it all hang out..... what makes you actually smile mort? when are you happy might that natural smile happen... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted January 26, 2019 Author Share Posted January 26, 2019 Are you depressed? Not really. I just don't smile that often. I am at rest, I don't smile. Doesn't mean I am depressed it means I don't waste energy smiling. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Not really. I just don't smile that often. I am at rest, I don't smile. Doesn't mean I am depressed it means I don't waste energy smiling. And that's completely fine/appropriate... TBH, most of the people i know that constantly laugh/smile are kind of annoying and quite idiotic.... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Ofcourse there is a big difference between smiling randomly while at home alone and smiling while interacting with other humans. It’s just to hard to interact and connect with people it they show zero emotion, and smiling is simply the easiest way to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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