Pregnant and Vulnerable

[metaversus]

I'm 6 months pregnant and my fiance and I have been fighting a lot lately, almost every other night. Sometimes I'll come home from work and his speech is slurred. He usually denies that he sounds this way and I end up getting upset. I don't think he's drinking or smoking but I can't be sure. Substance abuse runs rampant in his family and he's not good with moderation. I've also caught him lying about drinking/smoking in the past. After denying it, he'll finally admit to sounding this way because he's tired, even if he doesn't realize it himself. He does get up at 4-5am to go to work (usually going to bed around 10:30). However he has the same routine and some nights he'll sound fine, others he'll sound slurred/act impaired. It triggers me when he sounds this way because in the past I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic ex whose speech would also become affected. My alcoholic ex would act differently and so does my fiance. My fiance almost sounds slow, as if he's mentally impaired. It's difficult for me to deal with, ignore and simply act like everything is fine. I try not to jump straight into getting angry but when I try to talk to him about it he'll vehemently deny anything is off. At first it only happened once in awhile but recently it has been happening more frequently. I've mentioned going to couples therapy a few times but he acts all proud and old school about it, like it's a ridiculous thing to even bring up. I'm not sure what to do because this is a major issue for me in our relationship. It's stressing me out and makes me worry for our future. I am 6 months pregnant and scared. I don't want my baby being born into a volatile environment.

In addition, for the first few years my fiance never wanted to do anything alone. He disliked when I wasn't around and was a bit codependent. I kept encouraging him to find a hobby, something he could do to make friends and occupy his time. I've always been a loner and don't have close friends or a need for much social interaction. Until recently I have always enjoyed being alone a lot. So I introduced my fiance to people I know and he started playing in a band with them. At first they were practicing once a week on a weeknight which was perfect. Then one of the band member's work schedule changed and they switched their practices to Friday nights. So now I don't see him on Fridays because he goes to their house after work and gets home late (I know he's going to band practice and not elsewhere). Even this is fine. His band has been starting to play gigs, and now they want to practice on Fridays and Sundays, which means I'll only get to see him on Saturday. This might not be such a big deal to me if I wasn't pregnant, but we've always looked forward to weekends together and I need him around now more than ever. He's only very recently started being there for me less and it's terrible timing. Lately even when he's very not with his band he's texting with them about band stuff. I see him for a few hours on weeknights and he's acting mentally impaired 50% of the time or distracted with band stuff. We do have good nights but they're becoming less frequent. Tonight he told me his 'friend' from work, someone I don't ever remembering him mentioning, invited him to Vegas with about 20 other people who are renting a house. The way he told me implied he was asking me to go. We were supposed to get married in Vegas around this time and pushed it to next year because I'll be 8 1/2 months pregnant. Vegas is not exactly the ideal place to go in this state (smoke, alcohol, etc). I'll also be unable to travel this late in my pregnancy. I thought it was inconsiderate of him to ask because he knows how much I've been wanting to go to Vegas. He'll also be going to Reno for a few days in April for his friend's wedding. I feel like I've sacrificed a lot since I've been pregnant and let him do what he wants for the most part. He was gone almost the entire weekend last week; band practice, gig, and a concert with his friend. I saw him on Sunday and he was distracted by band stuff/practicing on his own most of the day. I know he's excited about his new band but he'd normally also want to spend time with me.

Recently I've been feeling like I'm the only one having to sacrifice for this pregnancy. Today he was saying how we should get away soon and I thought that sounded great but then he started talking about inviting friends. When I told him I just wanted it to be the two of us he seemed into it, but later when I mentioned that Airbnbs were pricey he brought up that friends thing again, his thinking this way it would be cheaper. Him bringing up inviting friends multiple times makes me feel like he doesn't want to go away with just me, and that makes me feel sad.

Ok so last thing. I mentioned he's unable to do anything in moderation. He stopped drinking awhile ago because it was causing a lot of issues/distrust between us, and even though he never had a full blown alcohol problem, he often couldn't seem to drink a beer or two and be content. A few times I caught him trying to sneak them. When he drinks his speech gets slurred pretty quickly, and again he starts acting mentally impaired. Same thing with marijuana. When I met him he smoked constantly. He's quit several times and then started smoking again in moderation. However, it always seems to escalate. So now we have a deal that he can only smoke on Friday nights when he goes to band practice or when he goes to see a band play. I hold onto the weed and give it to him the night before band practice. I feel bad controlling this/him in any way but I feel like I have to because it affects me. I also feel bad for him because he has strict dietary restrictions and doesn't get to have any vices outside of this. I guess I'm an enabler? One night a few weeks ago I gave him his weed the night before practice. He made up an excuse why he had to go to his car and ended up smoking. He came back and it was obvious. I called him out on it and a big fight ensued. He finally admitted to smoking. I was mad that he lied about it and also upset because be broke our deal.

So I'm feeling increasingly less secure in this relationship. I love him a lot, but he's not being very supportive at this stage in my pregnancy when I'm hormonal and need him most. I'm generally not a very needy person so I wish he could just be there for me right now and not keep doing things he knows makes me upset. I want to trust him, but because he's lied to me in the past and due to his family history I am always suspicious when his speech sounds slurred, even if he doesn't realize he sounds/acts this way, and says it's because he's tired.

I'm not sure what to do.

[anika99]

Your boyfriend is not slurring his words because he is tired. That is bull. He's lying to you.

[basil67]

If it's not substance abuse, he needs to see a neurologist.