Second chance of reconciliation?

[Neko88]

Hi everyone I'll try and be brief on the background it's been a roller coaster 3 months.

 

OK so 3 months ago my wife told me she didn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. We had been together 5 years married 2, during in this time I had some bouts of insecurity, my wife gets on with men more than women and would often chat to men online (platonic) I'd get a little jelous, we'd dicuss it she'd stop we'd move on, i never asked her to stop, she said i would create an atmosphere, I wasnt even aware i was, I was trying to deal with my insecurities internally and i guess that was the outcome. Anyway it was wrong of her to allow my insecurities to dictate, however due to this she built up resentment. She told me it was partially her fault she became resentful because she never voiced this resentment to me and if she had maybe she wouldn't have fallen out of love.

 

I did what most husbands do and tried to get her back, pleaded, told her now I know we can sort it, hopefully making her see things can be better etc that I can change, it wasn't working and she went the other way. We carried on living together because we couldn't afford for neither of us to move out (we also have also a 2 year old daughter so it made it easier).

 

I attended marriage counciling alone my wife saying she had no interest in going. I came back from the session positive, the councilor asked if I would ask my wife to come, I asked again and she agreed to see her alone. She saw the councilor and came home telling me she woild like to work on us.

 

We were a bit for shaky for a while, trying to rebuild us better. My wife had struck up up a friendship with a man online however they talked all day and everyday. My wife would wake up and check her phone, typing away all day long from that moment. My wife didn't see this as a problem. A few occasional arguments and set backs followed. Then we saw the councilor together, this session was amazing. We discussed many ways we both could do things differently, it was very positive with laughter from both sides at times, heck the couple that came out before were streaming tears suddenly our problems didn't seem so bad. We discussed my wife's use of her phone, the councilor told her it was not healthy and she needed to put less energy into her phone and more into us. My wife was happy with this and did just that. she told me she had blocked this guy so that she didn't talk to him anymore but it had nothing to do with me. OK i thought. For the next few days things were great. Full affection, telling me she loves me the lot.

 

Then the other day she's back on her phone. I pry as the councilor told us we need to be more open and in the loop with each other, to try and share and be more transparent. Who you chatting to today I ask. Just my friend Jane she tells me. Great alls well. Only i notice she's on her phone most of the day, I'm Annoyed but keep quiet. Then her phone rings. It's the guy she said she cut out... she looks at me and I ask why she didn't tell me they are talking again. She gets angry very fast. Says she's fed up of the questions and wants a divorce. That she doesn't love me, she's just been pretending for the last 3 months hoping it will come back.

 

She then hits me with loads of things such as she doesn't trust me. The councilor was wrong, that I've manipulated the councilor into saying what I want to happen. All kinds of paranoia. All because I caught her out in a lie. She quickly went from loving wife again to cold and distant telling me she despises me and wants nothing to do with me litteraly over night. I've never had a problem her talking to this guy, it's always been the amount of time she invests in it. Anyway she ended up moving out and moved to her mum's but then came back and moved into the spare room. She seems to have turned all feelings off for me, she's ice cold near me and litterally won't touch me anymore. She said she doesn't want me to touch her or anything - only the day before this we were full on affection, kissing, cuddling, hand holding etc.

 

After all this i still love her, I still want this to work out for my daughters and families sake. I love my wife dearly and have tried everything to show her things are different. But the slightest disagreement has pushed her way off, to the point shes given up. Am I stupid for still wanting this to work out? My family and friends think I'm crazy for wanting to make this work. I just want my happy wif and life back, we had it a few days ago now I'm not sure if she ever wanted this at all and has been playing me or if she's just saying these things in anger? She did say I've been pretending but can someone really pretend affection and love for 3 months?

 

She has said somethings that have hurt me such as "I know what will make you feel better, go join tinder" and that I should have bachelor pad put on our old bedroom door. Hurtful things I would have never left expected from my loving wife. Do I give up or do I keep fighting? Currently I'm respecting her request of space and have not brought us up or pursued us.

Edited January 25, 2019 by Neko88

[d0nnivain]

It seems like your wife wants out. If she is convinced that MC is a manipulation there may not be any hope. I'm sorry

[pepperbird]

Ugh...

 

 

First off, your wife is cheating on you. Please disabuse yourself of the idea her chatting is all platonic.

 

 

Secondly, your wife needs to have that phone removed form hear ear and texting hand. When you have a young child, you don't get to play around on your phone all day like some love sick teenager. She needs to smarten the frig up.

 

 

 

I suggest you continue to see a counselor on your own...and one more thing. It's okay to be angry with your wife. It's okay to tell her how you feel. You are allowed to be hurt, you are allowed to be angry, you allowed to have any emotions you please.

[Mr. Lucky]

First off, your wife is cheating on you. Please disabuse yourself of the idea her chatting is all platonic.

 

I'm afraid Neko88, the above is most often true. Your wife's not in grade school, they're not holding hands, they're doing what adults do. Hence her attachment to him and connection to the phone.

 

Under these circumstances, joint counseling a waste of time. You should focus on your needs and future, her attention is obviously elsewhere. She had a choice to make and doesn't seem the one chosen is you. You may want to re-examine your living situation, it's understandably painful to be "roommates" when you've been married. With a child involved, you should see a lawyer (most offer a free consultation) just to understand your options and get advice on moving forward.

 

Do you know who this "friend" is? If he's married, consider contacting his wife and telling her what's going on. Your wife will be (more!) angry with you, but his wife may be in the same position you are.

 

Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Neko88]

It's okay to be angry with your wife. It's okay to tell her how you feel. You are allowed to be hurt, you are allowed to be angry, you allowed to have any emotions you please.

 

My wife doesnt agree. Whenever I do speak about us she goes into a rage. Her blood pressure goes through the roof and shes impossible to talk to. She litteraly grips the steering wheel tight if we are in the car and we are driving. I'm not aloud to voice anything becuse I just "annoy her" she tells me now that she despises me...

[Neko88]

Do you know who this "friend" is? If he's married, consider contacting his wife and telling her what's going on. Your wife will be (more!) angry with you, but his wife may be in the same position you are.

 

Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know who he is..he lives fairly far away from us, is old enough to be her a dad and yes he is married. My wife has spoken in the past that she also speaks to his wife sometimes.

 

But she's chosen to talk to this guy over saving her marriage and family. I dont understand why he's so much more worth saving over me. She's known him 6 months verses my 5 years yet she's happy to let us die becuse of him. I have seen their coversations in the past and they nae platonic and just day to day stuff which infuriates me even more becuse why is this guy so interesting she can't put her phone down when he's messaging.

[Crazelnut]

Because she is infatuated with him. Possibly in love with him. Sorry, but I think your marriage is done and dusted. Lawyer up, because she will too.

[pepperbird]

This situation sucks!

 

 

You do have every right to be angry, and her rage is really odd. It's as if she's overeating out of guilt or projected her anger at herself onto you...or she's blaming you for everything bad in her life, justifying her being, well, less than pleasant.

 

 

I know it's hard, but for now, you have to stop seeing her as your spouse or even a friend. She doesn't need to be your enemy,but until she stops treating you like this she is not someone you can trust.

 

 

 

- first, see a lawyer. be honest and discuss the situation. take in their advice. you don't have to act, but forewarned is forearmed.

 

 

- next, start "the 180". Treat her as a room mate, parenting partner but nothing more. Don't do her favors, don't be overly friendly, but be pleasant. Start going out with friends, join a club, go to the gym, eat good food and spend lots of time playing with your child.

 

When your wife reached for her phone, ignore it. Don't look, make no comment. Just go on with your day. Don't bring up your relationship and just make all conversation small talk. No physical contact.

 

 

 

 

Go to a counselor and talk all this through. Begin to prepare yourself for your marriage maybe being over.

 

 

 

NOTE: This doens't mean your marriage is over. It's steps that will help to keep you centered and thinking clearly. It also helps you see that you CAN be okay on your own and dials down the emotion of the situation for everyone.

 

 

 

In some spouses who are acting badly, it can sort of jolt them into awareness of just how bad the situation is. It should never be used as a manipulation tactic. It's more about the bs than the ws.