Date in hospital/after hospital

[ShaunaN]

I've been took off travelling with work for a while. They are talking about operating and my boss has extended my leave.

 

It isn't looking good.

[elaine567]

It isn't looking good.

Very sorry to hear that. What are the doctors saying about the tumour?

[ShaunaN]

Very sorry to hear that. What are the doctors saying about the tumour?

 

If they need to operate it is 50/50 if it will be successful. If they think its got worse and he doesn't go for the operation he won't have long.

 

He talked about the whole marriage thing again. He said he doesn't want to die a single man and wants to marry the "most gorgeous human on earth"

 

Not going to lie. I'm scared.

[elaine567]

When are they likely to operate?

Have they scheduled it?

[BaileyB]

If they need to operate it is 50/50 if it will be successful. If they think its got worse and he doesn't go for the operation he won't have long.

 

He talked about the whole marriage thing again. He said he doesn't want to die a single man and wants to marry the "most gorgeous human on earth"

 

Not going to lie. I'm scared.

 

Do whatever you need to do. If you want to get married, do it now.

 

It’s very scary, when the news is not good. But, you are not alone. Lean on the people who are able to offer support and take each moment as they come.

 

Whatever happens, you will deal with it. Hugs.

[ShaunaN]

Do whatever you need to do. If you want to get married, do it now.

 

It’s very scary, when the news is not good. But, you are not alone. Lean on the people who are able to offer support and take each moment as they come.

 

Whatever happens, you will deal with it. Hugs.

 

I really didn't think I'd be getting married in a hospital chapel.

 

We are going to see what the specialist says then decide whats next.

[BaileyB]

We are going to see what the specialist says then decide whats next.

 

That’s a good plan.

 

My experience, sometimes when I thought the news would be bad, it was actually not as bad as I would have predicted. Other times, bad news came out of nowhere... this situation is fluid, changing day by day as the doctors get more information and the disease progresses. Try not to make any assumptions, because you don’t know how things will go. This is very serious, be hopeful but realistic.

[Lotsgoingon]

Shauna,

 

It's so inspiring to read your updates over the past few weeks.

 

Please, no need to feel embarrassed about spending the night with bf and having the nurses serve you breakfast. You are in serious territory. There is no embarrassment. The nurses serving you breakfast ... is all the evidence you need that spending the night is good ... That's their way of endorsing what you're doing ...

 

It's OK to mention death and the possibility of death ... That's being real. I have mixed feelings about getting married if you wouldn't otherwise want to marry him. But it sounds like you were really feeling close to him before this ordeal.

 

I love that you are wearing his shirts ... something about absorbing the energy of the other person ... That's a nice way to let yourself get support from him--wearing the clothes of his that you like!

 

You are doing so many things well ... Ultimately, I think the important thing is to be there giving him a huge and a kiss on the way to surgery ... and after surgery. Be there holding his hand and hugging him. I would guess that his statement about marriage is more the statement of someone who wants to feel totally loved if they have to meet their end prematurely.

 

I have a friend, who is a doctor, who says the following to friends who are caretaking loved ones. Stay in denial for as long as you can!Her thinking (the opposite of my initial thinking) is that when the time comes reality will PULL YOU OUT of denial ...

 

Bottom line: just be there ... no perfect answers ... no perfect steps ... if you feel overwhelmed bring in his family and friends to help you think. You will remember this--one way or the other--as a special time.

 

Keep up the fantastic love-shacking!!!!!

 

Let's now return to denial and assume this dang surgery will work!

[ShaunaN]

Shauna,

 

It's so inspiring to read your updates over the past few weeks.

 

Please, no need to feel embarrassed about spending the night with bf and having the nurses serve you breakfast. You are in serious territory. There is no embarrassment. The nurses serving you breakfast ... is all the evidence you need that spending the night is good ... That's their way of endorsing what you're doing ...

Thank you. The nurses also get me checked out by the doctors quite regularly. They want to make sure I'm ok too, even had a councillor come speak to me about how I am doing. One nurse asked how I keep going, I'm working from my laptop whilst at the hospital. I don't know how I keep going

 

It's OK to mention death and the possibility of death ... That's being real. I have mixed feelings about getting married if you wouldn't otherwise want to marry him. But it sounds like you were really feeling close to him before this ordeal.

We are very close. I do want to marry him. I just didn't think the day would be in a hospital chapel. I thought it would be a different sort of day. I sound selfish there I know. Talking about death, He was listening to Queen's "Who wants to live forever". Its like he knows sort of thing.

I love that you are wearing his shirts ... something about absorbing the energy of the other person ... That's a nice way to let yourself get support from him--wearing the clothes of his that you like!

I totally agree with this. I wore his work polo last night. There's a picture of him wearing it on his companies website.

You are doing so many things well ... Ultimately, I think the important thing is to be there giving him a huge and a kiss on the way to surgery ... and after surgery. Be there holding his hand and hugging him. I would guess that his statement about marriage is more the statement of someone who wants to feel totally loved if they have to meet their end prematurely.

I will be there. We've got a doctor coming to see us today so we will see what they say.

I have a friend, who is a doctor, who says the following to friends who are caretaking loved ones. Stay in denial for as long as you can!Her thinking (the opposite of my initial thinking) is that when the time comes reality will PULL YOU OUT of denial ...

Thank you. I'm still hoping its all a nightmare

 

Bottom line: just be there ... no perfect answers ... no perfect steps ... if you feel overwhelmed bring in his family and friends to help you think. You will remember this--one way or the other--as a special time.

 

Keep up the fantastic love-shacking!!!!!

 

Let's now return to denial and assume this dang surgery will work!

 

Thank you. I have to admit I'm doing a lot of this alone. His best friend is great but she has had to go away for work. His other "friends" have hardly visited since the diagnosis. This then makes me feel bad knowing he is alone and I try get back so he isn't alone. He tells me I need to do things for me and not to worry about him, but its hard not to. One of the people from a group he is in said he didn't want to visit incase he caught what my boyfriend had. It really annoyed me and upset me.

 

More and more of my friends who are meant to be supporting me have told me to walk away and he won't mind if I did. I thought how would he feel? He is going for surgery no one there, The funeral just his best friend. He would die feeling unloved and I'd be destroyed doing that. I couldn't. I love him so so much. My boyfriend said that he knows not many people like him, He is happy he has people in his life that cares.

[ShaunaN]

Me and my boyfriend were talking today. We were talking about when we were kids and he said

 

"I knew I wasn't the best kid, I did some wrong things and scared my parents a bit, but I settled down, got a university degree. Some qualifications and made something of myself. I'll be honest. I didn't expect karma to repay me like this. I didn't have many friends as a kid, I wasn't invited to the parties. It was horrible on a Monday in school hearing about the parties you wasn't invited to. Got the odd pity invite. Until I met you I was pretty much a loner. <Best friend> was always busy with work and yeah. At least now I know soon my numbers are going to come up"

 

Didn't know what to say to that. I admit I did go to the toilet and cry a lot.

 

I told him that moving forward things will be different and he is well liked.

 

He then said "I don't want to die here. If its bad I want to go home."

 

I asked if he gave up. He said "no just realising the obvious"

[FMW]

Assure him you will do everything you can to make sure his wishes are carried out if things don't go well. My experience with loved ones in similar situations is that it's very important for them to know you are able to deal with things if necessary.

 

And yes, taking a break to go cry in private after those conversations is important.

 

But stay focused on the here and now and making the most of your time together. Take care of yourself and stay strong so you can go through this difficult time together.

[ShaunaN]

Assure him you will do everything you can to make sure his wishes are carried out if things don't go well. My experience with loved ones in similar situations is that it's very important for them to know you are able to deal with things if necessary.

 

And yes, taking a break to go cry in private after those conversations is important.

 

But stay focused on the here and now and making the most of your time together. Take care of yourself and stay strong so you can go through this difficult time together.

 

I will be, I just wish he didn't feel like this. He said to not bury him and to cremate him and scatter his ashes at an airport.

[BaileyB]

I will be, I just wish he didn't feel like this. He said to not bury him and to cremate him and scatter his ashes at an airport.

 

Shauna, he has every right to feel like this. He is facing his own mortality and he is making decisions about his life. This is his opportunity to reflect on his life and to let you know what he wishes for the future.

 

These are not easy conversations to have with someone, particularly when you love that person dearly. When my mom was dying, the doctors really didn’t tell her what what happening... She asked me one day “what is happening to me?” and I was the person to tell her that she was dying (she knew, and when I asked her what she thought was happening, she told me that she felt like she was dying...). There were a lot of tears, but it was important to be honest and to ask her what she wanted.

 

For me, I truly believed that it was one of the greatest priviedges in my life to be there with my mom for the final stage of her life. She had given me everything, I wanted to give back... So, as hard as it was, I didn’t shy away from spending time by her side, holding her hand, and having these conversations. I could not heal her, but it became my mission to give her a “good death.”

 

He is very lucky to have you with him. What have the doctors said about the surgery? Again, just listen, love him, and do what you can to make his wishes possible. You will cry a lot, but lean on the staff and the people who are able to offer support. You will get through this. Hugs.

Edited March 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Shauna, just want to extend my sympathy, and please know that you are showing amazing strength and courage in this situation. Wishing for the best for you and BF.

[Lotsgoingon]

Trust me: you will NEVER regret hanging in there with him ... throughout this ordeal. You will be a newer and deeper person through this experience.

 

You will not have regrets ... When my ex had breast cancer, she was afraid I would leave her ... The thing is ... in my family growing up (and in my values later), you don't dump someone you love because they get sick.

 

Don't be afraid to call his friends and be blunt ... and don't be afraid to cry in front of him ... Crying is actually quite healing.

 

If the woman I loved is crying about my situation, that means she gets my suffering, she feels what I'm going through. It's a little counter-intuitive, but it's actually OK to cry in front of him ... Good for you (it's exhausting to suppress tears) and good for him. He will know exactly why you're crying and he'll be quite touched by it even if he does the "I wish you weren't feeling so bad" thing.

 

You rock, Shauna!

[BaileyB]

No, you will never regret spending this time together.

 

Just, don’t forget to care for yourself too. Try to get some sleep, be sure that you eat, and talk/cry when you need to let it out.

[ShaunaN]

Thank you everyone.

 

The doctors have said they want to wait a bit longer for the chemo to do its thing to decide if they want to operate. We are taking things one day at a time.

 

I get he want to talk about death and what he wants but (and sorry for sounding selfish) I'd rather make if it his last time more memorable and enjoyable for him. But I'm more positive that he will be out soon on the road to recovery.

 

What would I say to his friends? That they are bad people for ignoring him? or what?

 

As for getting married. Based on whats happening we are going to get married, I'm going to go talk to his parents and mine tonight. I know it won't be religious but we can do that after the hospital. We spoke to the doctors and nurses and they handed me a sheet with this on. They said not to worry its to get an emergency permit.

 

Emergency Weddings/Civil Partnerships in Hospital

When asked if a marriage or civil partnership is possible on the ward the following needs to be established:

 

The patient is not expected to recover

The patient is unable to leave hospital

The patient is able to give informed consent and is of sound mind

If all of the above criteria have been met then those facts need to be put in a letter written by the patient’s consultant and faxed to the relevant registrar. Please ensure you have also established that neither person is currently married/in a partnership and have the documents they require to prove they are able to marry/ be in a partnership.

 

In an emergency the registrar can only perform a civil ceremony. The chaplain is not allowed to attend that part of the ceremony but a service of blessing could follow the legal act.

 

If the patient wants to get married by the chaplain, there is a special Archbishops License in the Church of England but this can take a little longer to organise, however if the chaplain is from a free church tradition (e.g. Methodist, Baptist, URC) the registrar may agree to allow the chaplain to do a marriage service. This is dependant upon the registrar but it has happened at other hospitals.

 

An emergency registrar, as long as they have all the required documentation can perform the ceremony on the same day.

 

we both cried. I admit it. I have to get some documents together. I have to get some witnesses if our parents can't make it. I want to at least get a nice dress or something.

 

I'm not anything special. I'm just trying to survive, only really sleep properly here in the hospital. I'm going to go to the cathedral tomorrow try and find comfort there. I feel lost. I don't know what to do.

[BaileyB]

Shauna,

 

Be honest with his friends. Tell them that things are not good and if they want to see him, this is the time to come. They will have a much better visit now, when he is feeling “well.” Don’t leave it too late...

 

Have you asked him if there is anyone specific he would like to see? Anyone specific that he would like you to call or anything he would like you to do (aside from the wedding).

 

Most definitely, but yourself a beautiful dress for the wedding. It may not be the venue or circumstances you would have chosen, but you deserve to look beautiful and feel special. Do you have a friend who could go shopping with you?

 

You may well feel lost, but you are doing great! There is no “right” or “wrong” thing to do. Be with him, try to do what he asks you to do, and take care of yourself as best you can. Hope today is a good day.

[ShaunaN]

Shauna,

 

Be honest with his friends. Tell them that things are not good and if they want to see him, this is the time to come. They will have a much better visit now, when he is feeling “well.” Don’t leave it too late...

 

Have you asked him if there is anyone specific he would like to see? Anyone specific that he would like you to call or anything he would like you to do (aside from the wedding).

 

Most definitely, but yourself a beautiful dress for the wedding. It may not be the venue or circumstances you would have chosen, but you deserve to look beautiful and feel special. Do you have a friend who could go shopping with you?

 

You may well feel lost, but you are doing great! There is no “right” or “wrong” thing to do. Be with him, try to do what he asks you to do, and take care of yourself as best you can. Hope today is a good day.

 

I know he won't want any pity or pity visits. But then I know he will be genuinely upset if no one goes and visits him. I was speaking to the nurse (And I'd really like this nurse to be a witness at the wedding) that we've got to know and she commented that its sad no one really comes and that shes spoken to my boyfriend when shes been on the night shift and he is great in her eyes. Shame his friends don't realise that. As for asking. He has asked for his best friend. As for doing anything my boyfriend wants he doesn't ask for much. He did ask if I could get him a model of the "Orange pride" plane?? so he has a plane at the hospital

 

The nurse did mention he has a picture of me and him under his pillow. (teared up!).

 

As for the dress, My friend from back home said she would fly over help me pick a dress and arrange a wedding. Do I get a small cake or buffet? I don't know what to do. I want to make it special, but as far as I can go in a hospital.

 

My boyfriend asked me to read his will so I know exactly what to expect. Why would he do that? Upset me reading what he wants to leave me.

 

I'm really not taking care of myself I don't think. I feel so lonely.

[BaileyB]

He wants you to read his will because he is getting his affairs in order, in the event that the outcome is not good. It’s hard, but you need to do as he asks.

 

As to his friends, they may not realize that it is serious. People are busy living their lives, they may not know what is happening. If there is nobody he is asking to see, that’s fine. It wouldn’t be a pity visit, it may be an opportunity to say goodbye.

 

I’m glad your friend is coming to help you shop and stay for the wedding. That will be nice. You will need support. Can your parents come? I say, do whatever you want. If you have a favorite cake - bring it! Whatever you need to do to make this day special, do it.

 

I love the story about the picture.

[ShaunaN]

 

I love the story about the picture.

 

Saying about pictures I've had a package from DHL for a few days here. I opened it and I remember when he was first diagnosed I e-mailed to his friend at the airline he has shares in.

 

It had a letter saying his friend there had let them know about my boyfriend and whilst they know there is little they can do, they hope what they've sent sends him comfort, and when he is well they'd like to welcome us to go see them.

 

There was a picture of a load of people in front of a plane that was entitled "Get Well Soon! Best wishes, from all your friends at <Airline>" with a few other airline bits in it.

 

Made me teary

[JuneL]

Do you think the reason your boyfriend’s friends haven’t visited may be because they think he is a very private person? Normally, in such a situation, someone close to your bf (maybe his best friend or you?) would send a message to everyone informing them of his condition, and let them know the hospital location and hours for visitors. Like the previous poster said, his friends may not be aware of how serious his condition is. Also, the person informing his friends should have asked if anyone wanted to go visit together. I really don’t think any reasonable person would be so stingy as to not visit a friend with such serious medical condition.

 

Does his family visit and help take care of your guys?

Edited March 2, 2019 by JuneL

[ShaunaN]

Do you think the reason your boyfriend’s friends haven’t visited may be because they think he is a very private person? Normally, in such a situation, someone close to your bf (maybe his best friend or you?) would send a message to everyone informing them of his condition, and let them know the hospital location and hours for visitors. Like the previous poster said, his friends may not be aware of how serious his condition is. Also, the person informing his friends should have asked if anyone wanted to go visit together. I really don’t think any reasonable person would be so stingy as to not visit a friend with such serious medical condition.

 

Does his family visit and help take care of your guys?

 

He is private, When he used to post things on facebook his "friends" on there would take the mick out of him, so he started posting less and less. Me and his best friend have sent messages out to people, even offering lifts to the hospital or being there if they didn't want to be alone. One of his friends did message me saying he couldn't go visiting yet as he isn't well himself but will later this week.

 

His parents do visit a lot. His brother doesn't. His parents invite me round for dinner and to talk.

[edgygirl]

Just read your entire thread. I’m so sorry Shauna. Hugs.

 

I’d marry him. It seems like you guys really love each other.

 

I know it’s not comparable but when my mom had breast cancer a couple years ago I thought it was the end. Yet she is in her 80s and doing Pilates & going to bingo days & having lunches with my dad. She wanted to keep doing a language class but that’s hard on her now being her memory is getting worse. It was not easy on her, but it all went totally differently than I feared. I hope the same happens to you guys. I am sending good Jewish vibes to you both, always good to get best wishes from all faiths

 

He talked about the whole marriage thing again. He said he doesn't want to die a single man and wants to marry the "most gorgeous human on earth"

 

Not going to lie. I'm scared.

[ShaunaN]

Just read your entire thread. I’m so sorry Shauna. Hugs.

 

I’d marry him. It seems like you guys really love each other.

 

I know it’s not comparable but when my mom had breast cancer a couple years ago I thought it was the end. Yet she is in her 80s and doing Pilates & going to bingo days & having lunches with my dad. She wanted to keep doing a language class but that’s hard on her now being her memory is getting worse. It was not easy on her, but it all went totally differently than I feared. I hope the same happens to you guys. I am sending good Jewish vibes to you both, always good to get best wishes from all faiths

 

I am going to marry him

 

Thank you for your good wishes. I hope in years to come we can look at this and laugh.

 

Have to admit I woke up this morning and felt really empty and lonely

Edited March 3, 2019 by ShaunaN