Date in hospital/after hospital

[Lotsgoingon]

And be selfish! ... Selfish in picking out the right dress is what will light you up ... inside and out ... and will let you exude love at the wedding.

 

There is no bad "selfish" in choosing a dress that you find fabulous. It's all good selfish ... The outfit will light you up, light up your smile ... and he'll feel that glowing energy!

 

In fact, spend more on the outfit if you want to ... and I assume he's going to have a good suit ... I assume he's lost weight ... so the fit will be a bit off ... someone should just make sure his shirt fits well ... But spend as much as you want on the outfit.

 

Go for it!

Edited March 6, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[ShaunaN]

Shauna,

 

Glad these folks got your attention. You may have to eat even when you don't feel like eating ... lots of times that's bad advice, but you're undereating and probably under-sleeping ...

 

Go out for some walks, go to a movie ... pick up a mystery book (though your concentration may be bad) ...

 

True story ... There's a book and movie, Black Hawk Down, about American soldiers in Somalia ... long story short. Two helicopters (Black Hawks) get shot down ... and the American soldiers get trapped in Somalia ...They can't get out because a bunch of Somali fighters are surrounding them.

 

So the Americans brought in these small helicopters called "Little Birds" ... to keep shooting when the Somalis were about to overrun the Americans on the ground. The pilots wanted to rush out on mission after mission to save their fellow soldiers ... You know what the officers did? ... they ordered the pilots to eat! ... Literally forced them to eat. The pilots didn't want to eat--they wanted to rescue the colleagues ... But ... the officers knew that the pilots' thinking would be compromised if they didn't have food.

 

The pilots were so mad at the officers, but the officers had wisdom and experience, and the officers knew taking 15 minutes to eat wasn't going to change the course of the battle. You're in a battle every bit as intense as those pilots were in.

 

Eat, walk, sleep ... do you ever meditate? ... Go to a garden ... look at some flowers ... go to an action movie ... Glad NHS took care of you ... You're doing great of course. Just give yourself some permission to take care of yourself ... even though you probably have the reflex to just worry.

 

Go to an expensive restaurant if you have to ... in order to get interested in food ... Oh, schedule a massage! ... Multiple massages!!!!!!! It's an emergency ... don't be afraid to spend money on yourself! If you hate massages, think of something that is really nurturing and do that!

 

The doctor did scare me, he was blunt said if I get ill I won't be able to see my boyfriend as what would normally be a mild illness for you and me would be very bad for him. So I have to eat and sleep and well generally care for myself. I've been for massages before. Theres a few places in the town nearby, however I think they are fronts for something else. My boyfriends place has a lovely garden, I can't wait for summer to see it bloom.

 

I've said to myself no expensive restaurants until my boyfriend is out of hospital. That way I'll enjoy it so much more. I woke up several times in the night worrying. I'm scared of getting that phone call.

 

I vote for the second one, the Beaded Top Maxi Dress.

I like that one too. I will go up to the shop tomorrow and try it on. See what my best friend thinks.

 

The dresses are all beautiful.

 

I loved the Royal Blue And Pink Bardot Midi Dress. I know it's a bit less formal, but something about the pattern captures happy energy in my eyes ... and I know you want to bring him happiness.

 

My other favorite is the Lilac Cowl Neck Maxi Dress ... gorgeous and a bit more formal/classy than the pink bardot dress.

 

I love the red outfits as well (I'm in love with red!) ...

Bottom line: they all look fabulous!

 

What are you learning towards?

 

I like them all, I have to see which one actually looks good on me. I did like the red ones too

 

And be selfish! ... Selfish in picking out the right dress is what will light you up ... inside and out ... and will let you exude love at the wedding.

 

There is no bad "selfish" in choosing a dress that you find fabulous. It's all good selfish ... The outfit will light you up, light up your smile ... and he'll feel that glowing energy!

 

In fact, spend more on the outfit if you want to ... and I assume he's going to have a good suit ... I assume he's lost weight ... so the fit will be a bit off ... someone should just make sure his shirt fits well ... But spend as much as you want on the outfit.

 

Go for it!

 

He has lost weight yes, and he is going for a suit. His best friend said she's taking care of his suit and shirt. Its nice that a lot of people are helping with the wedding.

 

£120/140 is a lot for me. I've seen more expensive dresses but I admit I'm worried about money. My boyfriend is getting income protection, but what happens when that ends? We'll be just on my wage. He says his critical illness cover has paid and his mortgage protection has paid, but I still worry about money and I don't want to waste it on just me.

 

I found this "orange pride" model plane he wanted,

https://shop.klm.com/nl_en/scale-model-klm-777-300-orange-livery.html

 

Then I saw this

https://shop.klm.com/nl_en/miffy-in-klm-uniform.html

I thought I'll get him one and spray it in my perfume so I'm always there.

 

I thought as a small present for the wedding.

 

I feel more tired now than I did yesterday

[ShaunaN]

So I got sent to a client site today. I was meant not to be dispatched to client sites but they chose to.

 

Got to the site. Client was actually nasty to me. Told me to cheer up then started having a go at me for issues I knew nothing about. The Client IT manager turned round asked me what was up. I said my boyfriends in hospital and I'm worried.

 

The client replied "Well he is not dead so cheer up"

 

I admit I cried in the toilets for a while.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah you're going to feel fatigued ... and you will be exhausted for a while ... that's why you're really just trying to keep yourself out of collapsing exhausted ...

 

BF must be an engineer ... love the plain and the Miffy.

 

Look for "therapeutic" massage or "neuromuscular" massage ... you have a Yelp where you are ... yelp and places like that (with review) can identify legit massage establishments...

 

Glad bf's best friend is helping with the suit and shirt ... sounds like people are starting to respond to the emergency ... to the wonderful wedding event coming up ...

[ShaunaN]

Yeah you're going to feel fatigued ... and you will be exhausted for a while ... that's why you're really just trying to keep yourself out of collapsing exhausted ...

 

BF must be an engineer ... love the plain and the Miffy.

 

Look for "therapeutic" massage or "neuromuscular" massage ... you have a Yelp where you are ... yelp and places like that (with review) can identify legit massage establishments...

 

Glad bf's best friend is helping with the suit and shirt ... sounds like people are starting to respond to the emergency ... to the wonderful wedding event coming up ...

 

His best friend has been there since the beginning. She has been amazing in all fairness to her.

 

Collapsing in front of the inlaws is not fun. Friday night I'll get a good sleep as I'll be staying with my then husband (Weird saying that!)

 

My BG works in IT like me, but he gets to fix some serious things. He works at client sites like me but his sites are like airports and such. So he gets to live his dream and he has this picture of him doing fixing a computer on an aircraft. He said that was his crowning glory.

 

Love hearing that story.

[ShaunaN]

I'm sat here crying because I feel everything is getting on top of me.

 

I've been googling the massages you suggested. I really do fancy one. I just can't justify the expense. I know I should treat myself. I just can't stop worrying about money.

[BaileyB]

Deep breath Shauna.

 

Be kind to yourself. It will all work itself out.

[Lotsgoingon]

I hear you .... you have so much on your mind it's hard to figure out what's reasonable to spend.

 

But ... you are in an emergency ... perhaps a once-in-lifetime emergency. Emergencies don't get any more stressful or urgent than this ... So you are spending the money because this is an emergency.

 

You will end up spending the money later based on the stress ... and you're going to pay a price later because of the stress... You will physically and mentally collapse later (not as in pass off the earth) ... at some later point ... so do what you can now to minimize the strain ... to baby yourself ...

 

Splurge. Get the massage. You're probably so tight right now you don't even know how tight those muscles are ... the massage can take you into real relaxation and sort reset the thermostat so you can know when you're too stressed.

 

One more time ... you're in an emergency Shauna ... and you have to take extreme measures to survive in emergencies ... go ahead and spend some money ... charge it if you have to.

[ShaunaN]

I guess so. I've got my best friend over today to help buy a dress and for the wedding, She wants me to have "one last day and night of freedom before marriage" so we could both go for one then I suppose.

 

I'm getting married tomorrow. with everything thats going on, I'm really really really scared. I woke up last night after a nightmare that this wedding actually killed him!

[Lotsgoingon]

Totally normal that you would be freaking out here.

 

You're getting married under unusual, stressful, impossible conditions ... and yet the marriage seems to be the right thing to do for you. Most people have months and years to get mentally ready for marriage. You don't.

 

And you're terrified about his health and possible death soon ... Totally normal. Just show up and you'll be fine. Glad gf is coming.

 

Let gf take care of you. And heads-up: don't worry about crying at the wedding. Guarantee you the audience will be in tears ... tears over the love you guys have, tears over just the wedding itself ... and tears about the condition of his illness.

 

You don't have to be Wonder Woman. Just show up. Can't wait to hear about the wedding.

[ShaunaN]

Totally normal that you would be freaking out here.

 

You're getting married under unusual, stressful, impossible conditions ... and yet the marriage seems to be the right thing to do for you. Most people have months and years to get mentally ready for marriage. You don't.

 

And you're terrified about his health and possible death soon ... Totally normal. Just show up and you'll be fine. Glad gf is coming.

 

Let gf take care of you. And heads-up: don't worry about crying at the wedding. Guarantee you the audience will be in tears ... tears over the love you guys have, tears over just the wedding itself ... and tears about the condition of his illness.

 

You don't have to be Wonder Woman. Just show up. Can't wait to hear about the wedding.

 

Thank you.

 

Today has been a disaster. I went to pick my best friend up from the airport. I broke down on the way. I rang my boyfriend in tears and he calmed me down (I should be looking after him!) I didn't think I had breakdown but he put me on to his months ago. He got them to come out, they were really quick. The mechanic who come was really nice. My car needs to go to the garage. So he towed me to the airport to pick my friend up. then to the garage then to Enterprise for a car. Apparently we have the top package with the breakdown company. The kindness was much appreciated.

 

We went dress shopping. I really went to town my boyfriend said he wants to pay for it as he wants to make me feel "like the princess I am"

 

So for my wedding dress I've gone for

https://www.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/prod_10701_10001_62619+D4252GLD_-1

 

Then my friend said I should get something for the night/after the ceremony

https://www.debenhams.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/prod_10701_10001_120010410406_-1

 

Had my hair done and had a catchup and a lot of tears. She said I'm doing the right thing marrying him.

 

We are going out for dinner shortly. I feel bad though I didn't invite my boyfriends best friend to come.

[BaileyB]

It’s lovely Shauna.

 

Enjoy your evening with your friend. And, congratulations on your wedding.

[preraph]

I hate to put a damper, and I assume you already know the answer, but be sure you do not inherit his medical bills! That would be a terrible burden.

[elaine567]

I hate to put a damper, and I assume you already know the answer, but be sure you do not inherit his medical bills! That would be a terrible burden.

 

UK NHS - no medical bills

[FMW]

The dress and the other outfit are beautiful.

[Lotsgoingon]

You went classy and elegant with the dress.

 

The after-wedding outfit looks good as well.

 

It's GREAT that bf still has energy to help you when you car broke down ... Trust me: being of help makes him feel some sense of control and power at a time when he's largely feeling powerless.

 

Gotta say: what an idea this guy had that he wanted to be married to you before anything happened ...

 

I and I'm sure others here ... will be waiting to hear all about the wedding.

 

Fantastic luck and energy to you on a special special day. Yes, the circumstances are frightening, but the day is all the more special for the battle you and your bf are in right now! You guys are embracing life to the fullest.

[ShaunaN]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I don't have any medical bills coming as the NHS is free for everyone.

 

So today is the day. I'm very nervous, I'm all over the place. Can't eat, couldn't sleep. Haven't spoken to my boyfriend since yesterday. We agreed on some tradition, hasn't seen the dress.

 

Why am I not mega excited on what should be one of the most exciting days of my life?

[FMW]

It's normal you can't be mega excited under the circumstances, the happiness of making your love official and legal doesn't erase all the burdens and heartache the two of you are having to endure.

 

This is one of those living in the moment situations - for just a few hours try to focus on this happy event, on your love. But don't feel guilty or bad if you struggle with that at times.

[BaileyB]

It's normal you can't be mega excited under the circumstances, the happiness of making your love official and legal doesn't erase all the burdens and heartache the two of you are having to endure.

 

This is one of those living in the moment situations - for just a few hours try to focus on this happy event, on your love. But don't feel guilty or bad if you struggle with that at times.

 

This is good advice. Just allow whatever feelings you have, none are right and none are wrong. Try to enjoy the day for what it is...

[ShaunaN]

So today. Where do I start?

 

Lots of tears when my parents and best friend saw me in my dress.

 

We got married in the chapel at the hospital. My husbands best friend dressed it up a bit, Only ribbons and balloons but still was really nice. She had decorated a room for a bit of a reception too. She went all out. She works in show and events and I offered to pay for her time and things she paid out for. She refused saying that my husband is her brother in everything but name.

 

The wedding felt like it went so quickly lots of tears, smiles and photos. We had everyone family wise we wanted (We wanted it small), our two closest friends and the two nurses who have really looked after my husband and me!

 

We had a bit of a party after it was in a private staff room on the ward. I don't know how he does it but my boyfriend got me a necklace. I felt bad just getting him the plane and the teddy. I admit I cried a fair bit today.

 

We got gifts off everyone which was totally unexpected. The nurses we invited gave me an envelope, they are letting him out for a few hours on Sunday. He said to me that we can go to the St Patricks day parade as it means a lot to me. He could have said he wanted to go to the airport, but he was thinking of me. I thought it was so sweet.

 

Then the consultant wanted to see us. They are not happy with how things are going as the cancer is not shrinking? as expected so they want to operate next week. More tears, If he survives the operation survival is 50/50. he said I should go back to the party and he wanted some time alone.

 

I went to find him he was in his room on the ward, looking at the photo his friend from the airline sent to him. He sent his friend there an e-mail thanking him for the photo but it does't look good and he might not ever see him again. He looks like he is giving up, but then he signed this e-mail off "If I do by some miracle pull through, Lets meet for beer and sweet things in Amsterdam?"

 

I'm going to head back later. His parents and best friend are staying with him for a while. I'm dropping my best friend off at the airport and my parents want to have a talk with me.

 

I'm putting a front on but underneath I'm crying and feeling destroyed.When we got told, he had the Orange Pride plane model box in his hands. He said to me "I guess this is the closest I'll ever get to this plane. In fact any plane now".

[FMW]

I'm sorry your special day brought such unhappy news.

 

You're a tight team, you'll see this through together.

[Lotsgoingon]

The sadness is part of your love Shauna, it's indeed THE SIGN of your love. If you didn't love him so .. you wouldn't be sad.

 

I'm been repeating this ... hope you're not sick of hearing it ... but trust me: one day let yourself cry fully in front of him ... The effect won't be hopelessness ... the effect with be love ... he will feel loved and understood ... Plus, he's gotta be bummed and terrified ... if a partner acts like everything is normal, it's disorienting ...

 

Congratulations ... and then ... sorry about the bad news that the cancer is not shrinking ... The surgery sounds scary ... Please have someone with you ... for when the surgeon comes out of the surgery and reports to you the result. You need someone with you right then ... maybe multiple people ... Good or bad, you don't want to be waiting alone during the surgery and you don't want to receive the news alone.

 

Anything you want to say to him before the surgery, now is the time to say it!

[ShaunaN]

The sadness is part of your love Shauna, it's indeed THE SIGN of your love. If you didn't love him so .. you wouldn't be sad.

 

I'm been repeating this ... hope you're not sick of hearing it ... but trust me: one day let yourself cry fully in front of him ... The effect won't be hopelessness ... the effect with be love ... he will feel loved and understood ... Plus, he's gotta be bummed and terrified ... if a partner acts like everything is normal, it's disorienting ...

 

Congratulations ... and then ... sorry about the bad news that the cancer is not shrinking ... The surgery sounds scary ... Please have someone with you ... for when the surgeon comes out of the surgery and reports to you the result. You need someone with you right then ... maybe multiple people ... Good or bad, you don't want to be waiting alone during the surgery and you don't want to receive the news alone.

 

Anything you want to say to him before the surgery, now is the time to say it!

 

We've cried in front of each other. We've had a bit of a talk this evening, he is questioning if he is a really bad person to get this and he has said he wonders what he has done. I asked him if he liked his model. He said he loved it, he then said "Its unlikely that I'll ever get to see it in person though. Promise me when I'm gone, please take a flight on it for me" I cried again. I said that we can take the flight together.

 

As for being a lone. I have his best friend. She has her own life with work and its unfair I rely on her or our parents. So I am pretty much on my own. I've had some messages from family and supposed friends saying I should just walk away. I admit there has been times I have thought about it, because its the easy way out but I love him. Then I think what would he think if everyone just walked away at his time of need? He would put a brave face on but he would be destroyed inside. A bit of me thinks he is having this operation because of me (I sound really hollow but hear me out!) if he didn't have anyone I have visions he would turn down the operation, come home get into bed and wait.

 

I do feel he is giving up though. He said to me "There is a place in Lelystad. When I'm gone and you want to feel close to me. Go there. I have a guys details in my diary. He will look after you and take you to my special place".

 

I have to admit more and more, him foreseeing his own death and his planning is scaring me. Its like he knows his time is ending.

 

I also would not know what to say to him. I tell him I love him several times a day

Edited March 8, 2019 by ShaunaN

[Lotsgoingon]

There is nothing to say ...

 

And he IS preparing for his death. That's what really ill people do ... they emotionally prepare for their death ... they try to get their minds around not being here. It's a normal and healthy process. Perhaps more the case with a cancer diagnosis ... and a young person who totally has their faculties.

 

Doesn't mean he's rejecting life ... it means he is facing reality. You wouldn't want a guy who was oblivious to the reality that he has a high chance of soon being dead.

 

What a sharp intuitive spouse-like observation ... that he may be having the surgery for you ... and that you would (as I read your words) just move to a quieter death where he can spend his time outside the hospital.

 

He's probably having the surgery for himself as well ... he just has internalized the horrible stats that the doctor gave ... and even if the surgery is a success ... there probably horrible stats about surviving more than a few years ...

 

I think looking death straight in the eye is almost a reflex for truly ailing. I'm a teacher, and God, if I were in his situation, I'd be frantically trying to contact a lot of former students who I have great memories of. Just to say hi ... and tell them how much I liked them and so on ...

 

BTW: this process you're going through will happen with almost every couple. The oddity here is simply that you're so young--but this will happen to all of us at some point.

 

Sorry you are back to being so alone in your caretaking.

[BaileyB]

Personally I think those who are dying are often more realistic and at peace about the end of their life than those who love them.

 

He deserves the opportunity to reflect on his life, get his affairs in order, and say goodbye to those he loves. As hard as it is, it’s important to respect that.

 

Hugs.