Does NC work on women to stand a chance of reconcile?

[Twizzlestick]

Does NC work on Women dumpers like it does on men for effectiveness at reconcile chances? I’ve been reading some alarming comments from ladies that it doesn’t, quite the reverse - that for chances of reconcile a man has to stay at least connected post breakup, that if he goes NC they feel distant, disconnected emotionally and move away with anger and distance with the reasons crystallised in their minds.

 

Please try and avoid turning it into “no hope!!” “NC is for you to heal”! I know that primary aspect. But it can’t be denied it’s also advocated widely as being used to stand a chance for any reconcile too alongside moving on. It’s why I posted under “second chances” as they must empirically happen otherwise there’d be no sub forum .

 

I sold NC to myself as being both best way to move on and stand chance of reconcile if that were ever a possibility. But I’m having a hard time today

 

Cheers all much love!

[d0nnivain]

NC is NOT a means of making somebody miss you so they come running back. It's a way for you to heal so you don't go crawling after somebody who dumped you begging for another chance & debasing yourself.

 

If you were dumped by an immature game player she may want to be chased & this could be a "test" to see if you love her. But even if that is true, you should run screaming from such a manipulative person. If you go NC on such a woman she will indeed get P'Od because you are not kissing her behind but seriously why would you want to?

 

Generally after a break up, for the dumper it's "out of sight out of mind." The person is thrilled that you are not chasing them because then they don't have to be mean in order to get you to go away. When you persist, you make a pest of yourself & taken to the extreme crosses you into criminal stalker territory.

[Twizzlestick]

When you persist, you make a pest of yourself & taken to the extreme crosses you into criminal stalker territory.

 

Mm. Well can safely say I didn’t personally go near that limit. A few chatty phone calls with no begging, just a few feelers on where she’s at with her thinking.

 

If anything she was insistent on keeping contact as an option and it’s me that was negative about it. I finally just stopped speaking as an action. After every call it was “we’ll talk soon won’t we”/ “you’ll want to know how my training went” etc etc.I went NC after one of these “we’ll speak soon calls”.

 

Anyway,

[Beachead]

Hey Twizzlestick,

 

I'll tell you how I see it based on my experiences. I'm always blunt when I speak so I apologize in advance if it sounds a bit rough.

 

Firstly, I find it interesting these women said that to you because the irony is, if you stay in touch with a woman who dumped you, they lose respect for you anyway. Think about it. You gave them your best in the relationship. They dumped you because the best you had to offer wasn't what they were looking for. So in leaving you, they coincidently are choosing someone else..whomever it is.

 

So then this begs the question..by staying, what are you really to them? A friend? A boyfriend? One of the girls? Nope. You're none of that. You belong nowhere in their life. They don't care about your needs. They want you around solely to service theirs. Because it's hard for them to let you go immediately an they need to transition off of you. Because they feel better about themselves if they convince themselves they have a "friendship" with you, after shattering your heart. They want to soothe that guilt. Not just that..but they want to keep you close just incase things don't work out with anyone else or in life. Just incase they feel like they made a mistake..they can return to comfortable and familiarity which is you..and returning is a maybe. You are on standby being their option. If you call them, if you ask them to hang out..they'll wonder what your intent is. They will always second guess what you say an do because they know you have hope. They know you have feelings that you can't shrug off and that's the only reason why you would accept such a horrible deal. Every single interaction you have will therefore begin, occur and end on their terms. The deal is sh*t and they know it and they loathe you for accepting it.

 

It doesn't matter whether you do NC now or later..it's going to happen regardless because it's the only move you'll realize will make sense when all the bs is done.

 

Recall I mentioned they received the best you had to give. They dumped you because they decided they didn't want it. In doing so, they choose someone else. So, they're going to do this and then blame you for walking away? What else are you supposed to do? Be their emotional slave? It's irrational.

 

Give them what they asked for. The silence is going to help them understand the the reality of their decision and it will help them figure out whether they made a mistake or not far more clearly than anything you could have done by sticking around. I know when we're broken hearted, we want to do things to try and get them back..that's all we want..but that is our anxiety acting up. Don't do this to manipulate them back. It'll only help you escape from the immediate pain and postpone your healing process to a later date. I did all of this stuff and I also damaged myself real badly. The sooner you accept why they left, the sooner you will understand why you need to leave, and the sooner you will start grieving and the sooner you get back on your feet. You leave for you.

 

A good woman will actually understand all of this, no matter how painful it is for her and she won't try to keep you around if she respects you. If she can't understand anything apart from her own immediate feelings and her own perspective and consequently blames you for leaving when she left you..you're better off. You can't expect to heal your burns if you touching the flame.

 

- Beach

Edited January 25, 2019 by Beachead

[Twizzlestick]

Hey Twizzlestick,.

 

- Beach

 

Thank you so much Beach for taking the time with that written with such empathy of my state and your own experience. I found it a great read and quite warming actually. Got a tinge of the lump in the old throat ha.

 

Very wise words. What you say resonates with my thinking. These ladies stirred that thinking and set off panic that I was missing out on something by mishandling. I did the wrong thing, looked online and found lots more women on various forums writing the same! I tell you, my hand was reaching for the phone by that point. I had to go on a drive, couldn’t focus, came home, then ended up pacing up and down the street like a loon trying to walk off a bullet wound.

 

My ex and I are merely on day 10 of NC. I tell you what started this is yesterday I foolishly looked at her social media and last few days she posted stacks of memes about “moving on from reles going nowhere” and all that (since unfollowed). Panic grief level one. These women were level two. Didn’t take a lot. Our last phone call she was “having a bad day” because I returned all her stuff. Decided to end it on a good note (for that good note read - me basking in small hope). Of course that all has got turned upsideown last two days and I’m entering panic mode.

 

Blimey this is agony.

Edited January 25, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[preraph]

No contacts main purpose is to make it easier for you to move on and accept it's over. It also serves to keep you from being pathetic and weak and needy and continuing to humiliate yourself by trying to crawl back.

 

 

Use your energy on someone else and move on.

[Twizzlestick]

No contacts main purpose is to make it easier for you to move on and accept it's over. It also serves to keep you from being pathetic and weak and needy and continuing to humiliate yourself by trying to crawl back.

 

 

Use your energy on someone else and move on.

 

 

No I appreciate the philosophy but after 11 years of losing my best friend/someone I was deeply in love with I can’t force my brain to just use my energy on someone else. I’ve tried. My brain just refuses to mechanically stage itself.

 

I’m getting there, I’ve seen improvements but it’s gonna take time I think ebbing in and out of stages. I switch between denial/anger/grief at the min.

 

I was dumped 5 weeks ago so quite early doors. 11 years in love doesn’t leave lightly it turns out . Had a relative who’s 23 year marriage tanked and if she can do it and survive then so can I. That’s what I tell myself ha

[basil67]

Our last phone call she was “having a bad day” because I returned all her stuff......Blimey this is agony.

 

Yep, it's tough. And it's called 'heartbreak' for a reason - it bloody hurts.

 

You know, I think there's something to be said for ceasing all compassion towards the dumper. She's having a bad day because you returned her stuff? As the dumpee, I reckon a best approach is thinking (or saying) "Suck it up buttercup. What did you think would happen when you ended it? Don't go putting your woes on me now"

 

I know its harsh, but she does not deserve your sympathy or support after dumping you.

[Twizzlestick]

Yep, it's tough. And it's called 'heartbreak' for a reason - it bloody hurts.

 

You know, I think there's something to be said for ceasing all compassion towards the dumper. She's having a bad day because you returned her stuff? As the dumpee, I reckon a best approach is thinking (or saying) "Suck it up buttercup. What did you think would happen when you ended it? Don't go putting your woes on me now"

 

I know its harsh, but she does not deserve your sympathy or support after dumping you.

 

Thanks for the reply. What you say is so true. I have moments like that where I feel hardened, rational and empowered. They don’t last. I wish they were stuck on me permanently like glue. It’s nice when it happens and I stride about my flat hanging up the washing muttering to myself “you made your bed love, you take a nice little lie in it” and stuff like that . 30 mins later I’m pacing around. It doesn’t take much of a memory and I’m collapsing inwardly with compassion for her over some such thing.

 

Funny you mention the “what did you think would happen” line. I actually have had to say that to her twice. When she ended it and in the subsequent weeks when she was protesting as to why I wouldn’t speak with her again. Was a weird discussion from me, the dumpee, about what breaking up normally means. It was like teaching it to a chimpanzee. I think she gets most of her relationship knowledge from those Bs flowery memes/romantic novels and films. I was her first serious Rele. Basically I think she could keep me around for validation and attention.

[Twizzlestick]

This is just an example of the kind of thing I’m talking about

 

https://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/how-to-respond-when-your-ex-is-using-the-no-contact-rule/

 

I’d like to know what that “love guru” quite expects a dumpee to do after being dumped?

[basil67]

Twizzle, you're spot on. She's keeping you for validation and attention. And because ripping sticking plaster off quickly hurts.

 

I'm so glad to hear you're already using strategies to rationalise what's going on. Being tough is hard when you're in so much pain and there will be a lot of glitches when the pain is stronger than the toughness. But keep working at it and the tough will eventually overcome the pain.

 

Just make sure to only use to tough for the ex and not take it with you elsewhere

[elaine567]

The article is correct.

Using NC as a means to heal and move on great.

Using no contact as a means to suck your ex back into a relationship is manipulative and creepy.

[d0nnivain]

I was dumped 5 weeks ago so quite early doors. 11 years in love doesn’t leave lightly it turns out . Had a relative who’s 23 year marriage tanked and if she can do it and survive then so can I. That’s what I tell myself ha

 

You will get through this but not in 5 weeks, maybe not in 5 months. 11 years is a long time & this is a HUGE change. One day at a time. One day at a time.

[Twizzlestick]

The article is correct.

Using NC as a means to heal and move on great.

Using no contact as a means to suck your ex back into a relationship is manipulative and creepy.

 

 

Well given there is no alternative post break for a dumpee the difference seems whether there still is hope. And that isn’t creepy or manipulative, given it’s not like they could chose an alternative action anyway.

 

They’re following exactly the path a breakup leads to. It’s just them doing what a breakup is, but falsely with hope, which may diminish. I dint think it’s a case of “sucking back in”. That infers sinister. People do reconcile, address areas and it’s not a crime. reconciliation is always a choice for the other person. It’s not like they’re Shanghai’d into it.

 

What would be manipulative is if they took a different action that is not normal for a breakup, such as contacting the ex feigning grave illness.

[Twizzlestick]

You will get through this but not in 5 weeks, maybe not in 5 months. 11 years is a long time & this is a HUGE change. One day at a time. One day at a time.

 

 

Thanks

 

there’s many emotions running through. Some days I’m very angry at betrayal aspects to do with the ending. Others colossally lost in grief.

 

One day at a time. So true.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have broken up with serious boyfriends a couple times in my life.

 

Break-ups take time to adjust to, often for both the dumper and dumpee. But honestly, when I was the one who ended it, whether or not my exes went No Contact really didn't make any difference.

 

I have only ended relationships when I genuinely didn't want to continue with them anymore. Sure, it was a strange feeling at first to not have that constant companion in my life any longer but I was prepared for it. So when these particular exes and I eventually stopped communicating, I was neutral about it.

[preraph]

No I appreciate the philosophy but after 11 years of losing my best friend/someone I was deeply in love with I can’t force my brain to just use my energy on someone else. I’ve tried. My brain just refuses to mechanically stage itself.

 

I’m getting there, I’ve seen improvements but it’s gonna take time I think ebbing in and out of stages. I switch between denial/anger/grief at the min.

 

I was dumped 5 weeks ago so quite early doors. 11 years in love doesn’t leave lightly it turns out . Had a relative who’s 23 year marriage tanked and if she can do it and survive then so can I. That’s what I tell myself ha

 

Yes, it's still early, but you should start socializing soon and stay busy doing things you enjoy, alone or with others and go out. Travel if at all possible, even short distances is fine. It reminds you what a small microcosm you live in and that there's a whole big wide world out there.

 

And don't wait for love to leave you. The love came within you, and you get to take it with you when you go. You get to enjoy any memories you can eventually enjoy and remember the good times. But that love doesn't belong to him. It was from within you. You still have it and can give it to someone else whenever you want to.

[elaine567]

I have only ended relationships when I genuinely didn't want to continue with them anymore.

Same here and whether they went NC or not was immaterial as there was no way I was open to reconciling, I had made up my mind.

 

A "cold" break up takes a lot of thought, and may be weeks, months in the making, so once a decision is made it is serious break, reconciliation is very often not an option. The dumper although they may be friendly, has no intention of ever getting back together.

 

A "hot" break up over an argument or an acute disagreement is a different thing, reconciliation once both have cooled down can be an option

[Twizzlestick]

Yes, it's still early, but you should start socializing soon and stay busy doing things you enjoy, alone or with others and go out. Travel if at all possible, even short distances is fine. It reminds you what a small microcosm you live in and that there's a whole big wide world out there.

 

And don't wait for love to leave you. The love came within you, and you get to take it with you when you go. You get to enjoy any memories you can eventually enjoy and remember the good times. But that love doesn't belong to him. It was from within you. You still have it and can give it to someone else whenever you want to.

 

Thanks Preraph. I’m moving home to my family soon so will have more mates around. I’ve already planned some goals of a new activity I want to try with them. I’m a guy, my ex is the female . Not that it matters I guess

[nolanola]

I totally understand where you're coming from. You've had your heart shattered and you're trying to get your bearings. So you're looking for any hope that your pain will end -- which, in your mind means it will end because she comes back. You're not in a rational place and that's fine.

 

No contact sucks, because you're having to break a connection that you've had for 11 years. That's a really long time!! As someone else said, that will take a long time to let go of and to stop craving. I specifically use the word craving because often contact with an ex is like a drug. You know you shouldn't do it, it feels good during, and then you're back in a pit of despair after. The only way to stop it is to go cold turkey.

 

I'd like you to try to do something that might be revolutionary for you. A lot of people that have been dumped have very weak boundaries and they only get weaker as you keep reaching out. Instead of worrying about how she will or won't react to something, focus on what YOU need. What is best for Twizzlestick? Set some boundaries. You can't control what she does and whether you do or don't go NC, she is going to do things that are out of your control. So you might as well do what is best for you to feel good about yourself, to get some distance from everything, and to heal your heart: go NC.

 

I totally agree with what so many others have said: keeping in contact with an ex just diminishes your value in their eyes. Why would they need to get back together with you if they can just call you whenever and they know you aren't going anywhere? I'm a lady and I will tell you that your ex will not like you going NC, but she will respect you more in the end. And it MIGHT make her regret the breakup, especially as time passes and the cold reality of you no longer in her life starts to set in. And honestly (and I know you won't believe this), when and if she does return, it will be highly likely that you will have moved on. Somehow they know to come back when you've moved on, I have no idea how. Watch the movie Swingers -- encapsulates this perfectly (and it's funny, something you could probably use).

[Beachead]

Thank you so much Beach for taking the time with that written with such empathy of my state and your own experience. I found it a great read and quite warming actually. Got a tinge of the lump in the old throat ha.

 

Very wise words. What you say resonates with my thinking. These ladies stirred that thinking and set off panic that I was missing out on something by mishandling. I did the wrong thing, looked online and found lots more women on various forums writing the same! I tell you, my hand was reaching for the phone by that point. I had to go on a drive, couldn’t focus, came home, then ended up pacing up and down the street like a loon trying to walk off a bullet wound.

 

My ex and I are merely on day 10 of NC. I tell you what started this is yesterday I foolishly looked at her social media and last few days she posted stacks of memes about “moving on from reles going nowhere” and all that (since unfollowed). Panic grief level one. These women were level two. Didn’t take a lot. Our last phone call she was “having a bad day” because I returned all her stuff. Decided to end it on a good note (for that good note read - me basking in small hope). Of course that all has got turned upsideown last two days and I’m entering panic mode.

 

Blimey this is agony.

 

I'm happy it resonated.

 

11 years is a long time my friend. I truly sympathize. I applaud for making it to 10 days as I know the amount of hard work it took to get there.

 

In all honesty though, it's going to get worse before it gets better. As time passes on, and the silence between the both of you grows longer, reality will sink in, and with it more pain. But the good news is when that starts to happen, it's a sign that the real work is beginning. From there, you will process things little by little, slowly putting the puzzle pieces together to eventually see the bigger picture. With that understanding, you'll gain the ability to rationalize which will make you stronger and then you'll be able to absorb and process more at once and heal even faster. You also have tools to help you cope; You have LS, you can try a therapist, you have friends..people to talk to and share with. You can journal privately. It is the most important thing for you right now. Your spirit will feel the burn just like your body does when you're training and you feel the burn there. Productive, transformative, pain.

 

But keep in mind, you are also vulnerable to relapsing. She may make it hard on you and send messages. Because you are desperate for reconciliation, you will be liable to interpreting it as what you hope for. I'll never say never, but from what I've learned about relationships and life, those kinds of messages end up crushing you even worse when you realize they amount to nothing you hoped for. It'll hurt all over again.

 

The priority right now is for you to heal. To do it, you will have to first block this woman on social media, otherwise you're going to visit her social media profiles, scanning for updates and worse, end up seeing them. Happy pictures with friends..maybe a suspected new guy. Every single update will break your heart. Delete her number off of your phone. If it's too hard to get rid of it, then write it down somewhere and hide it from sight. Also back all your photos up and erase them from your computer, phone, wherever they are stored. Bag all the things that remind you of her. It all has to be out of sight. Anything you see at this point will break your heart all over again. Do everything in your power not to reach out.

 

If she has anything of value to say to you, she can call you and leave a proper voicemail. But what she chooses to do from here on after is up to her. At this point, she ended it and as far as everything you know in this moment, she's not ever coming back. That's what you have to move forward on.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited January 26, 2019 by Beachead

[Cailean]

From my experience, No Contact is first and foremost for you and your mental health. Breaking up is a type of trauma and you are going to be going through a grieving process. Even if you only dated for a couple of months and weren't necessarily "in love". The time you spent together is a type of bonding and intimacy, which has been stripped away from you. You are not thinking clearly and continuing to have contact with her will delay your ability to move on.

 

Secondly, it's also about appearances. If she contacts you, that's fine. But you contacting her can *appear* to be stalkerish, even though it's not the case. I'm going through something similar myself.

 

Each break-up is different though.

 

In my last breakup we said we'd stay friends, which I took with a healthy dose of skepticism. She re-initiated contact 2 weeks later though. We texted now and then over the following 2 months and even hung out a couple of times. It initially seemed fine to me, but have found that I need some space, so am personally implementing a NC period until I can get some clarity over the situation.

[marky00]

Well given there is no alternative post break for a dumpee the difference seems whether there still is hope. And that isn’t creepy or manipulative, given it’s not like they could chose an alternative action anyway.

 

Agreed. Going NC does improve the chances (all be it very slim) of a reconciliation because you don't worsen the situation with begging/pleading. That isn't "creepy" at all since as you point out, its pretty much the only real move the dumpee can do anyway. As NC progresses, the dumpee tends to flip/flop in and out of stages but will start to see that NC is actually for their own benefit, i.e. to heal and to maintain self-respect.

 

NC really is a lot about the old "fake it before you make it". When your in pain, you can't really rationalise or fully understand why you are even doing NC. Once its all said and done, most people realise NC helped them heal and save face. But it does have that other angle to it where it maximises any hope of a reconciliation in the early stages of the breakup.

[edgygirl]

The times I broke up with men, I didn't care what he did or didn't do right after the breakup. I broke up because I was not interested anymore. All I wanted was for them to go away and not try to convince me to come back. That's why everyone says NC if for the dumpee to heal - the dumpers don't really care beyond empathizing, but that's about it.

 

 

I will tell you though when I saw my ex in a relationship a year after our breakup, I realized I did a mistake and that what happened to me was having "the grass is greener somewhere else" syndrome.

 

 

So I'd say - no, NC doesn't work on women. You would be better off accepting reality although it stings like hell. Take your time, get busy, do new things. This pain will not last forever.