chocolatecookie Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I'm new here and looking for advice because I'm feeling really confused. I met this guy at an event about 3 months ago. He asked me on a date and we hit it off. He said he loves me right after the first date (I know huge red flag), and the love bombing continued for weeks with gifts, love notes, full-on attention and care, wanting to be together all the time, saying I'm his soulmate, that he feels empty without me, and ending with a marriage proposal and wanting to move in together. I came to a point where I've had to put on the brakes because I was feeling overwhelmed. He didn't like it, we had an argument and he withdrawn afterwards, where he was clearly annoyed. Days later we talked and decided to take things at a different (more normal) pace, forget the moving in together and just date. Well, things have taken a massive turn, as he went from full-on love bombing to giving me crumbs of attention and time. Where before he was all available, his work was flexible, he could be with me all the time, etc, now everything changed. Suddenly he works long hours everyday, and arranges things for the weekend that don't include me. The only time he has for us to be together is a few evenings where we just sit on the sofa, have sex and sleep together, only to rush out the door next morning. Last time we did this I felt like I am in some sort of casual arrangement, not in a relationship. And, when I questioned him about this, guess what? He was annoyed and angry again, saying he doesn't understand what I want, that he is very busy now, etc. I told him all I want is to have proper quality time together. Go on dates, do stuff together, not just sofa-sex-sleep, because that makes me feel used, like all he wants is sex, and is not what I want. He said that that is perfectly fine to him and blamed me that I'm never happy and etc. I told him I don't understand how he can go from "I'm empty without you", "is so painful when I'm not with you" and all availabity in the world, to now this. I told him I just wanted to talk and decide how to do things in a way that is comfortable for both, and he said that he doesn't see how things can work between us. I've got to a point where I am exhausted, and starting to feel I have been played. All that love bombing was a means to an end and because it didn't work, he is now not giving a sh** and showing his true colors, trying to use me as an object that he squeezes in when he feels like it. I didn't end things yet or him, but I don't like being in this limbo. Thank you for reading and any advice would be great, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 You are right, it's time for him to go....... Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 User, loser... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 When you put the brakes on and told him to pull back, do you tell him how you wanted things to look? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocolatecookie Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 When you put the brakes on and told him to pull back, do you tell him how you wanted things to look? I did tell him he was still welcome to stay at mine and told him it would be nice to do more things together outside the house as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 You were smart enough to see the red flags right from the start. I see no need to start second guessing yourself. His behavior has no center. Perhaps he's busy love bombing someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) You answered your own questions. There’s a reason love bombing doesn’t feel right and doesn’t usually works. It’s damaged or ill-intentioned people who do that. I had a man love bomb me this week, and although I’m really looking for love, I know better than to fall for that. I inquired why he was texting me non-stop for 3 days, (before even meeting!) and that it felt like love bombing, he apparently got offended and bolted. This kind of relationship usually ends up badly - after one date or 20. I say, run. Edited January 26, 2019 by edgygirl Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 guess they call it love bombing cause it blows everything all to sh*t afterwards... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Yep I've been there too. I really think some of these people are unstable or looking for an ego boost. After meeting my partner, I learned that when someone loves you, they are consistent. He was never one to love bomb me, but years later, he still loves me. Be very cautious of love bombers. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 I did tell him he was still welcome to stay at mine and told him it would be nice to do more things together outside the house as well. Yes, I can see why he's confused. How about "I'd like to go on a date night once each weekend and sleepover on weekends and two nights per week" Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 All that love bombing was a means to an end and because it didn't work, he is now not giving a sh** and showing his true colors, trying to use me as an object that he squeezes in when he feels like it. I didn't end things yet or him, but I don't like being in this limbo. Thank you for reading and any advice would be great, thanks. Drop him now cold turkey Listen you saw it for what it was and shot gun that love bomb before it was due to go off lol He got mad and revengeful and decided to be all passive aggressive instead of just slowing down like you rightfully asked Remember that saying...when someone show you who they are believe them. Well not only believe you need to act accordingly by kicking him out of your life. Don't do it gradually! There is nothing to think about. He was ACTING like a great boyfriend then when you asked him to slow down he responds with passive aggressiveness and games (lying about all the sudden being busy *side eye*) then when you told him how that makes you feel he still responding like he just doesn't care. Just as quick as he went from lover boy to f-boy you need to go from wanting him around to be gone! with your actions even when you don't feel it. That's the thing about love bombs. If your going to choose to enjoy it you MUST cut it off quickly and ruthlessly first sign of disrespect. You can't let the memory of how he was stall you when he is clearly showing you he is really a bad relationship partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocolatecookie Posted January 26, 2019 Author Share Posted January 26, 2019 Thank you for your replies. Is there a chance the only thing he really wants is sex? Because sex between us was amazing, the chemistry is really good. And now that he's resentful that the love bombing didn't work, is like he gave up on all the rest and just wants that part. That's why he's now only available for sleepovers and nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Thank you for your replies. Is there a chance the only thing he really wants is sex? Because sex between us was amazing, the chemistry is really good. And now that he's resentful that the love bombing didn't work, is like he gave up on all the rest and just wants that part. That's why he's now only available for sleepovers and nothing else. Ehm... no, I doubt that. He proposed and wanted to move in together - ofcourse that’s was waaaay to soon - but it’s not what a typical “player” would do... No I think his feelings was/is real. The likely explanation is that this guy is just confused. From his perspective, he goes all in - literally - and you shut him down. Then he overcompensate the other way; and you are still displeased. Or he is just insane. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 The only way to find out is to talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Maybe with all the time he spent with you he shorted a large volumn of his other obligations and decided to honor your request and take time to catch things up. Now you come along claiming you are being short changed. Or his act was an elaborate plan for sex and now he figures he will get it without jumping thru hoops. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocolatecookie Posted January 26, 2019 Author Share Posted January 26, 2019 Maybe with all the time he spent with you he shorted a large volumn of his other obligations and decided to honor your request and take time to catch things up. Now you come along claiming you are being short changed. Or his act was an elaborate plan for sex and now he figures he will get it without jumping thru hoops. Yes he did shorted a large volumn of his other obligations before and now needs to catch up, that's true. That's why I prefer a relationship that starts at a normal pace and continues at a normal pace, so no obligations get behind due to being together large volumns of time, and also there's no massive change in the dynamics between us, which is hard to adjust to. It all went from 100mph to 5mph, and is difficult to digest that. I would just like a relationship that goes in the middle, at about 50mph and consistently. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) Stable, mature, rational adults generally don't declare their love to a virtual stranger and propose and make plans to move in together all within 90 days. Now you're wondering why he's gone cold. You're not dealing with a man who's particularly emotionally-grounded or has a healthy approach to dating. That's why. You can try to forget the plans of marriage and moving in, but it doesn't negate the red-flag behaviour. He's not a guy who goes in the middle and operates at a steady 50 mph. I would not continue seeing him. There is very little chance this will develop into something healthy and long-lasting. Edited January 26, 2019 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocolatecookie Posted January 26, 2019 Author Share Posted January 26, 2019 Stable, mature, rational adults generally don't declare their love to a virtual stranger and propose and make plans to move in together all within 90 days. Now you're wondering why he's gone cold. You're not dealing with a man who's particularly emotionally-grounded or has a healthy approach to dating. That's why. You can try to forget the plans of marriage and moving in, but it doesn't negate the red-flag behaviour. He's not a guy who goes in the middle and operates at a steady 50 mph. I would not continue seeing him. There is very little chance this will develop into something healthy and long-lasting. Well actually that's how my parents got together. My father was head over heels for my mother and he proposed only 1 month after they first met, they moved in together after 2 months, got married and are still happily together after 40 years. So you never know. But yeah, he never love bombed her to exhaustion. To me with this guy is more the inconsistency that is the red flag and the lack of a middle ground. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Well actually that's how my parents got together. My father was head over heels for my mother and he proposed only 1 month after they first met, they moved in together after 2 months, got married and are still happily together after 40 years. So you never know. But yeah, he never love bombed her to exhaustion. To me with this guy is more the inconsistency that is the red flag and the lack of a middle ground. Your parents' story is sweet, but it's the exception rather than the rule. It's also a different generation and different dating culture than our current relationship landscape. It's up to you, but I would call it off. He's already gone off you for anything but sex and doesn't appear to be too emotionally stable, based on your description. That, in my experience, doesn't usually end well. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Thank you for your replies. Is there a chance the only thing he really wants is sex? He idealized you. Guys who lovebomb feel so good with you in the moment that when they say sh*t way early like I love you, I want to marry, and blah blah blah they really feel that way in the moment. But feelings change like night and day. So when you say something that shows that your not as perfect as he concocted in his head or you do something that disappoints him well now he feels resentful and operates off that feeling instead. A mature stable minded man that likes you would think well nobody is perfect and I can't always get what I want but I really like this girl and I want to continue dating her. And he would respect your reasonable boundary and continue adding value to the relationship because he doesn't want to lose you. An immature and toxic guy who isn't stable minded (and maybe more extreme diagnosis such as narcissists, borderlines etc) will operate off those negative feelings and take it out on you by being passive aggressive, distant, breadcrumbing. They will began to devalue you just like this guy did. Maybe manipulate or worse become abusive. Regular guys can love bomb but you may see that they may become normal and not as "extra"'with the romance once the new new wear off or they may just disappear if they feel like they don't like you as much as they thought. Toxic guys would stick around and use to try to boost their own egos. They are notorious for being hot and cold. So to answer your question at the beginning I don't think he told you that just to have sex. He was in the moment feeling good with you but because he is a toxic man he processed your need for him to slow down as a bruise to his ego and chose to get revenge by devaluing you down to just giving you sex and nothing more. Ya might got a narc on your hands. Run girl run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chocolatecookie Posted January 26, 2019 Author Share Posted January 26, 2019 He idealized you. Guys who lovebomb feel so good with you in the moment that when they say sh*t way early like I love you, I want to marry, and blah blah blah they really feel that way in the moment. But feelings change like night and day. So when you say something that shows that your not as perfect as he concocted in his head or you do something that disappoints him well now he feels resentful and operates off that feeling instead. A mature stable minded man that likes you would think well nobody is perfect and I can't always get what I want but I really like this girl and I want to continue dating her. And he would respect your reasonable boundary and continue adding value to the relationship because he doesn't want to lose you. An immature and toxic guy who isn't stable minded (and maybe more extreme diagnosis such as narcissists, borderlines etc) will operate off those negative feelings and take it out on you by being passive aggressive, distant, breadcrumbing. They will began to devalue you just like this guy did. Maybe manipulate or worse become abusive. Regular guys can love bomb but you may see that they may become normal and not as "extra"'with the romance once the new new wear off or they may just disappear if they feel like they don't like you as much as they thought. Toxic guys would stick around and use to try to boost their own egos. They are notorious for being hot and cold. So to answer your question at the beginning I don't think he told you that just to have sex. He was in the moment feeling good with you but because he is a toxic man he processed your need for him to slow down as a bruise to his ego and chose to get revenge by devaluing you down to just giving you sex and nothing more. Ya might got a narc on your hands. Run girl run. He said he was resentful and withdrawn when I questioned him because the dynamic and situation between us made him remember the situations in his previous relationship of stress and tension and he got triggered by that. I still feel I went from priority 1 to priority 10, and even if things changed and he has to catch up at work and etc, I shouldn't be treated to feel as if I went down his list of priorities. So yeah you might be right, he devalued me and now only wants the part of the relationship that still interests him (sex). Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Well actually that's how my parents got together. My father was head over heels for my mother and he proposed only 1 month after they first met, they moved in together after 2 months, got married and are still happily together after 40 years. So you never know. But yeah, he never love bombed her to exhaustion. To me with this guy is more the inconsistency that is the red flag and the lack of a middle ground. That’s because they didn’t have smartphones. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 So yeah you might be right, he devalued me and now only wants the part of the relationship that still interests him (sex). Idealize. Devalue. Discard... Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Idealize. Devalue. Discard... Classic narcissist. Op I do hope you dropped this dude. Link to post Share on other sites
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