His Jealousy...

[Malfalfa]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years.We get along great. In most ways he is the sweetest man I have ever been involved with. I realize everyone has flaws and by no means do I put him on a pedestal. There is one issue that continues to cause stress in our otherwise wonderful and satisfying relationship - his jealousy and insecurity. He has always been very forthright with me, and this issue was no exception. He recognizes that he has a jealous streak and even told me so right at the beginning of our relationship. Naively(?) I hoped that as we progressed his insecurity would be replaced with security.So far that hasn't happened. I recently took a day trip with a couple of girlfriends to do some shopping in a nearby town - he got really angry, saying "I don't want you running around with your girlfriends". In a couple of days my best friend is getting married. The wedding is about 16 hours away, and as I am the Maid of Honour I am flying down (I'm actually leaving today). I'm really happy for my best friend and am looking forward to the festivities, but at the same time I am very worried about my boyfriend's reaction. When I initially informed him about the wedding he flew off the handle, reacting by cancelling one of our planned trips. He later calmed down (as he always seems to) and I have reminded him about the trip. When I last spoke to him it was quite obvious to me that he wasn't pleased about the whole thing. Is there anything I can do; do I just keep waiting for him to ease up and gain some trust?

 

Some things to know about us: we are in a "long distance" relationship - though we are only about 2 hours apart. We actually see each other quite often. He doesn't seem to have a problem when we are apart in our respective hometowns - only when I want to go somewhere else. I know he has been burned in the past by unfaithful girlfriends. He is very old-fashioned in some of his views (even though he is only 25). I am his first "serious" girlfriend. I know we love each other dearly. With the exception of this particular flaw we are totally compatible. I have been involved in serious relationships before (I am almost 30) but I really think he is the one - something I've never experienced before. Advice?

 

Sorry to have gone on for so long.

[Tony T]

So you think he's the one, uh? I think you ought to reserve judgement on that until you see just where this jealousy thing goes. If you stick with him, it could be your life sentence to control and misery.

 

The purpose of dating is to see if there are any major issues that could cause problems later. Here you have a serious issue thrown right in your face and you don't see it.

 

Right now, you may actually be flattered by his little tantrums. But I promise you, they will grow old and the annoyance will take away from a lot of life's pleasure.

 

It's is not likely he will change, it could only get worse. If you marry him and he has a legal arm around you, he will only become more controlling.

 

I recommend he seek counselling to get to the root of his insecurity and low self esteem. I don't think it has anything to do with getting burned by previous girlfriends...that happens to many. It probably has more to do with abandonment and other issues that continue to plague him from his childhood. A good therapist can chip away and get to the core of this problem. However, it will be up to him to change.

 

By all means do what you please, but if you marry this man clearly knowing he has this serious jealousy problem, you will have no right to complain about the miserable life you will buy into.

 

Get him help or get you help before you make any type of lifetime commitment.

[Signs......]

I myself was once involved w/a guy that I thought was the one. I actually waisted two years of my life thinking his jealousy and insecurity would pass (fanasty)! It's a mind game testing you, just to see how much you will let him get away with. We'll I kept making excuses to my friends & family saying things to cover his jealous rage. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but the jealousy & insecurity turned into a rage of physical abuse & emotional issues! It all started w/me going away w/my BF to the bahamas, I was accused of cheating, not caring...etc He would start stalking me everywhere I went, gas station, friends house, sit across the street from house, showed up at the workplace, nail salon...you name it! It got to the point that I was afraid of him, hell I was afraid of my own shadow. He would be ready to beat up any guy that looked my way. It got to the point where I felt if I looked out the window while driving w/him and a guy passed infront of the car, I better not even look that direction. To make a long story short, the only way I was able to get him away from me & out of life was to file for a order of proctection & have him arrested for assult & damage to my car & reckless driving. (Thank goodness for cellphones)! I learned a valuable lessons the hard way, If you're thinking it's a problem now, and it'll get better... it only gets worst. Get help! Seek couseling, talk to one another, tell him how you feel. Three strikes and you're outttttt!

 

Recognizing the signs in the begining is the most important!

 

Do yourself a favor be careful, don't let the situation get more out of control & embrassing for you, life is too short, however a beautiful gift. We are so quick to say he's the one, because we're trying to make our fairy tales come true, no matter what horrible flaws a person may have. After that disaster relationship it took 2 yrs of being single for me to open the doors again, I did seek counseling for myself. Things happen for a reason, we get so caught up, how we want to paint this "perfect relationship" We forget about ourselves, just think I might've missed out on the special guy in my life now, waisting my time w/the other creep I thought was the one.

 

I'm glad you went to your BF wedding, but I bet you were wondering the entire time what's going to happen when I get back? How is he going to react? You could've had a much better time at the festivities if you really thought he was really the one.

 

Lots of Luck! :-)

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years.We get along great. In most ways he is the sweetest man I have ever been involved with. I realize everyone has flaws and by no means do I put him on a pedestal. There is one issue that continues to cause stress in our otherwise wonderful and satisfying relationship - his jealousy and insecurity. He has always been very forthright with me, and this issue was no exception. He recognizes that he has a jealous streak and even told me so right at the beginning of our relationship. Naively(?) I hoped that as we progressed his insecurity would be replaced with security.So far that hasn't happened. I recently took a day trip with a couple of girlfriends to do some shopping in a nearby town - he got really angry, saying "I don't want you running around with your girlfriends". In a couple of days my best friend is getting married. The wedding is about 16 hours away, and as I am the Maid of Honour I am flying down (I'm actually leaving today). I'm really happy for my best friend and am looking forward to the festivities, but at the same time I am very worried about my boyfriend's reaction. When I initially informed him about the wedding he flew off the handle, reacting by cancelling one of our planned trips. He later calmed down (as he always seems to) and I have reminded him about the trip. When I last spoke to him it was quite obvious to me that he wasn't pleased about the whole thing. Is there anything I can do; do I just keep waiting for him to ease up and gain some trust? Some things to know about us: we are in a "long distance" relationship - though we are only about 2 hours apart. We actually see each other quite often. He doesn't seem to have a problem when we are apart in our respective hometowns - only when I want to go somewhere else. I know he has been burned in the past by unfaithful girlfriends. He is very old-fashioned in some of his views (even though he is only 25). I am his first "serious" girlfriend. I know we love each other dearly. With the exception of this particular flaw we are totally compatible. I have been involved in serious relationships before (I am almost 30) but I really think he is the one - something I've never experienced before. Advice? Sorry to have gone on for so long.

[WGirl]

It sounds like your boyfriend is very jealous. You need to watch out for a man who does not want you to go off with your friends. He is being insecure and selfish by asking this of you. Go to your friends wedding and don't worry about your boyfriend's reaction. He needs to learn to deal with you having other people in your life and you having a life of your own. You could think of it as a test. If he can't deal with it, maybe you should drop him.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years.We get along great. In most ways he is the sweetest man I have ever been involved with. I realize everyone has flaws and by no means do I put him on a pedestal. There is one issue that continues to cause stress in our otherwise wonderful and satisfying relationship - his jealousy and insecurity. He has always been very forthright with me, and this issue was no exception. He recognizes that he has a jealous streak and even told me so right at the beginning of our relationship. Naively(?) I hoped that as we progressed his insecurity would be replaced with security.So far that hasn't happened. I recently took a day trip with a couple of girlfriends to do some shopping in a nearby town - he got really angry, saying "I don't want you running around with your girlfriends". In a couple of days my best friend is getting married. The wedding is about 16 hours away, and as I am the Maid of Honour I am flying down (I'm actually leaving today). I'm really happy for my best friend and am looking forward to the festivities, but at the same time I am very worried about my boyfriend's reaction. When I initially informed him about the wedding he flew off the handle, reacting by cancelling one of our planned trips. He later calmed down (as he always seems to) and I have reminded him about the trip. When I last spoke to him it was quite obvious to me that he wasn't pleased about the whole thing. Is there anything I can do; do I just keep waiting for him to ease up and gain some trust? Some things to know about us: we are in a "long distance" relationship - though we are only about 2 hours apart. We actually see each other quite often. He doesn't seem to have a problem when we are apart in our respective hometowns - only when I want to go somewhere else. I know he has been burned in the past by unfaithful girlfriends. He is very old-fashioned in some of his views (even though he is only 25). I am his first "serious" girlfriend. I know we love each other dearly. With the exception of this particular flaw we are totally compatible. I have been involved in serious relationships before (I am almost 30) but I really think he is the one - something I've never experienced before. Advice? Sorry to have gone on for so long.

[WGirl]

This also sounds like a relationship I was involved in.

 

I was never physically abused but I think the guy did a job on me emotionally and mentally. I swear I am not the same person I was before I started dating him. Just watch for the signs like this poster said. Don't give in to him. That is the worst thing you can do. Men like this will try to isolate you from everybody you know and try to ruin your relationships.

 

I had to file a restraining order to get rid of him because he would not leave me alone no matter what I said or did. I had to appear in court twice. He was there with a lawyer and his father to intimidate me. Theen he lied through his teeth.

 

He just did not get it. He was really getting scary. He would drive by my house. I would just happen to look out my window and he would drive by, no joke. He would call my job and show up there. I never knew if he would be out in the parking lot when I came out. I almost got fired from two jobs because of him. I was looking over my shoulder for a while after these incidents.

 

Believe it or not, I remember thinking he was sweet in the beginning. He used to take me out everywhere and buy me things. He tried to sweep me off my feet. The beginning of the relationship was nothing like the end. I had no idea. There were hints of jealousy from the beginning. There were signs. I was his first girlfriend too. He was unfortunately my only long-term relationship. Be careful.

I myself was once involved w/a guy that I thought was the one. I actually waisted two years of my life thinking his jealousy and insecurity would pass (fanasty)! It's a mind game testing you, just to see how much you will let him get away with. We'll I kept making excuses to my friends & family saying things to cover his jealous rage. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but the jealousy & insecurity turned into a rage of physical abuse & emotional issues! It all started w/me going away w/my BF to the bahamas, I was accused of cheating, not caring...etc He would start stalking me everywhere I went, gas station, friends house, sit across the street from house, showed up at the workplace, nail salon...you name it! It got to the point that I was afraid of him, hell I was afraid of my own shadow. He would be ready to beat up any guy that looked my way. It got to the point where I felt if I looked out the window while driving w/him and a guy passed infront of the car, I better not even look that direction. To make a long story short, the only way I was able to get him away from me & out of life was to file for a order of proctection & have him arrested for assult & damage to my car & reckless driving. (Thank goodness for cellphones)! I learned a valuable lessons the hard way, If you're thinking it's a problem now, and it'll get better... it only gets worst. Get help! Seek couseling, talk to one another, tell him how you feel. Three strikes and you're outttttt! Recognizing the signs in the begining is the most important! Do yourself a favor be careful, don't let the situation get more out of control & embrassing for you, life is too short, however a beautiful gift. We are so quick to say he's the one, because we're trying to make our fairy tales come true, no matter what horrible flaws a person may have. After that disaster relationship it took 2 yrs of being single for me to open the doors again, I did seek counseling for myself. Things happen for a reason, we get so caught up, how we want to paint this "perfect relationship" We forget about ourselves, just think I might've missed out on the special guy in my life now, waisting my time w/the other creep I thought was the one. I'm glad you went to your BF wedding, but I bet you were wondering the entire time what's going to happen when I get back? How is he going to react? You could've had a much better time at the festivities if you really thought he was really the one. Lots of Luck! :-)

[CANDICE]

i think that your boyfriend is putting his hurt with other woman on you. the baggage he is carryingf for his past relationships will end up destroying your present relationship. i assume you don't want to have to end this relationship because you honestly care for this man. maybe he should seek some sort of counciling. or maybe he could try harder to be more trusting because if he doesn't i don't see how this relationship will last and there is already a strain considering this relationship is some what long distance. good luck.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years.We get along great. In most ways he is the sweetest man I have ever been involved with. I realize everyone has flaws and by no means do I put him on a pedestal. There is one issue that continues to cause stress in our otherwise wonderful and satisfying relationship - his jealousy and insecurity. He has always been very forthright with me, and this issue was no exception. He recognizes that he has a jealous streak and even told me so right at the beginning of our relationship. Naively(?) I hoped that as we progressed his insecurity would be replaced with security.So far that hasn't happened. I recently took a day trip with a couple of girlfriends to do some shopping in a nearby town - he got really angry, saying "I don't want you running around with your girlfriends". In a couple of days my best friend is getting married. The wedding is about 16 hours away, and as I am the Maid of Honour I am flying down (I'm actually leaving today). I'm really happy for my best friend and am looking forward to the festivities, but at the same time I am very worried about my boyfriend's reaction. When I initially informed him about the wedding he flew off the handle, reacting by cancelling one of our planned trips. He later calmed down (as he always seems to) and I have reminded him about the trip. When I last spoke to him it was quite obvious to me that he wasn't pleased about the whole thing. Is there anything I can do; do I just keep waiting for him to ease up and gain some trust? Some things to know about us: we are in a "long distance" relationship - though we are only about 2 hours apart. We actually see each other quite often. He doesn't seem to have a problem when we are apart in our respective hometowns - only when I want to go somewhere else. I know he has been burned in the past by unfaithful girlfriends. He is very old-fashioned in some of his views (even though he is only 25). I am his first "serious" girlfriend. I know we love each other dearly. With the exception of this particular flaw we are totally compatible. I have been involved in serious relationships before (I am almost 30) but I really think he is the one - something I've never experienced before. Advice? Sorry to have gone on for so long.