Relationship with someone who shuts down

[hobbs]

Hey all -- I posted a few days ago about my GF who has a big fear of intimacy. Some days she's really hot, and writes and says how much she misses me, can't wait to see me, etc. And then if we spend too many days in a row together I can tell she feels smothered and she gets cold, then a few days will go by with one word text responses. We've been together 2 months. She broke up with an ex she was with for 2 years over the summer -- she told me he was a terrible drunk and wasn't good to her, but wouldn't go into detail. Apparently he still texts her and it really shakes her up. I've been suspicious he's been texting her again. Should I bring it up, or is it too intrusive? I feel like maybe part of her apathy is that maybe she's still harboring something for the angry drunk. Should I just trust her until proven differently? Or bring it up?

[basil67]

You've only been together for two months and she's already showing herself to be a mess. Do you really think it's a smart move to stay with her?

[5x5]

When people tell you through their behaviour and actions, that they aren't good relationship material. You would do well to believe them, then let them go.

[Malin889]

Hey all -- I posted a few days ago about my GF who has a big fear of intimacy. Some days she's really hot, and writes and says how much she misses me, can't wait to see me, etc. And then if we spend too many days in a row together I can tell she feels smothered and she gets cold, then a few days will go by with one word text responses.

 

Give her a break, it sounds like the last guy she was with was pretty awful. She is probably having a hard time being in a “normal” relationship.

 

 

You've only been together for two months and she's already showing herself to be a mess. Do you really think it's a smart move to stay with her?

 

She’s not a “mess”, she was in a relationship with a bad guy. Does that mean she shouldn’t be in a normal relationship? I just think you should go a little slower with her, she probably needs time to heal from this jerk who makes her jump.

[loversquarrel]

OP, it could be as simple as you being a rebound for her to as complex as her having a personality disorder. I would be really cautious with this one as you will probably get hurt either way.

 

I'm guessing it's a bit of both, hot and cold like that could indicate borderline personality disorder. I don't know enough about your relationship though and neither do you at just two months in. Does she have a history of abusive relationships? Does she act out in extremes? I love you, I hate you? Put you on a pedestal only to tear you down?

[Art Anderson]

I've just been through something like that but on a much longer period of time. i.e. known each other to have coffee for 4 years, dating and day trips for 10 months. I'm thinking BPD because she checks off maybe 7 out of 10 boxes with her childhood right up through past marriage, current behavior, etc.

 

OP could just slow the 'F down. 2 months is not a girlfriend. Don't get so invested in someone who is still showing you who they are. Same as the woman should not be declaring her undying love like that. If they express it, then take it back or deny they said it - huge personality problem.

 

Don't be a martyr more than once in your life - though this might be that first and last time as a learning experience.

[Curiousroxy86]

Afraid of intmacy - good relationship partners are not afraid of intimacy

 

Spend too many days together - if you see a pattern that she gets a bit distant then proactively create space a day earlier maybe? like if by day 4 of seeing her in a row she distant then maybe stop trying to see her after day 3 for example.

 

Few days go by and only one word response - this wouldn't be okay for me

 

I feel like her...-don't make excuses for her especially if you don't really know why she is the way she is. Look at it for what it is and call it what it is. She is apathetic and it's not cute.

 

I wouldn't bring up the ex. I would proactively give her space physically on the days in the row of seeing her. Knock off a day. If you reach out to her after doing that and she still take days to respond I would say "babe it's not okay that you take days to respond". See how she responds. If she responds justifying it or being more cold or ignoring you some more then you should let her go and find someone else who consistently responsive, warm, and emotional available.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I would run for the hills. More then likely one day she will tell you how she "isn't ready" for a relationship. This behavior isn't normal in a functional relationship.