I guess I was right

[Sadlygone]

While I went crazy the past couple of days, I have finally understood myself. I can tell you what I know, but I will leave it up to you to decide what you want. When I look back on my life, I have realized that the person I am today is a product of my upbringing to a certain extent. I have recollect from my childhood that I used to like watching the Cosby show. It was a family comedy and I had always wanted to be in that type of family. A typical nuclear family that worked out the problems, showed love to one another, and lived happily. However, I was always moving around, shifting from place to place, all the while never knowing what was next. It was until around the time that I moved to Hawaii that I actually have memories of my childhood. It was then I had actually became a happy child (remember the picture).

 

See, the years before Hawaii, I guess I had always repressed the memories because I was not happy. I never saw happiness. There wasn’t the typical family. Raised by two parents. Sometimes I wasn’t even living with any parent but a guardian. During these years, I was just this kid that was lost. Then, when I moved to Hawaii, I was so happy and when I think about why, it was because everywhere that I looked, people were happy. You know how they are there. And my parent’s display of love came from their parents. My dad was the fourth boy in the family. How they were raised was different then today. You got in trouble, then you get beat. The father worked and the mother stayed home and cooked and clean. The father never showed emotion because that is what he had to do to raise four boys. My mother was the tenth child, so you think she really got any attention. Her whole life has been about survival so she never really expresses emotion except anger. That is essentially the background.

 

However, it still doesn’t change the fact that there wasn’t a stable father figure in my life until my dad came back. I will always love him as I would not be the person who I am, although I see there are some negatives as I am beginning to understand my life a little better. Since that time, I have had a father figure. As I knew it that was how you showed love to one another. When they were nice to each other, I thought that is what love was. I new that they loved me, but I was never given the affection of what I would believe to be a normal loving family. Did I really have a choice? This doesn’t mean that they were bad parents, just that they could have been better. The point is that I was raised in this environment and I became conditioned to it. This still doesn’t change the fact that I do know what love is and that I would only give love to someone that loved me. I do have a heart and feel compassion for others. Its just that I have grown up with what you know it as Tough Love. I believed that you should try to show as much constraint as you could with your emotions. It is why I always that my parents were so strong. I had always thought that they loved each other, but apparently after talking to my mother, there was love but it died out. I had always that they kept coming back together because they loved each other. I know the truth now and they did for me but not for each other. So for all these years I had lived under the shadow that the relationship they had was love. My dad was always acted the tough guy in the family. He was the father and he worked and paid the rent. My mom, she was the one that gave into all his antics. She would do everything and try to keep her mouth shut. Be loved him to a certain degree and that was why she did everything for him. She told me when I was younger that she truly did love him but only stayed after she fell out because of me. But growing up, I never felt or saw the real love that other people saw. They didn’t give me affection or showed too much interest, but I knew they loved me. They told me they loved me but it was vocalized very often with affection. As I grew older, this was how love was displayed. I have only once seen my parents kiss and hug in my whole life. I hugged my mom, and kissed her, but that was weekly at most. My dad has never displayed any affection towards my mother in front of me for all of my life. I figured they loved each other. At that time, I didn’t know that there was such a thing as “romantic love.” You see romantic love in the movies and but you don’t watch romantic movies everyday. You also only watch those ones that make love to be so extravagant.

 

So fast forward to high school and this is why I now understand why I became so close with the Blankenships. It was the first time that I could really be part of a loving family. I felt loved when I was with the Blankenships, and they felt like family, but it was about hugging and kissing. It was about being comfortable around each other. You spent time together as a family. You always just hung out together. I knew that I wanted to have a family that I could share everything with because I loved my family. This never happened in my home. You saw it when you did. There isn’t much interaction and it is uncomfortable at times as well. I couldn’t do anything to change it then or now. But the Osborn family lacked one thing. The Father. He was a doctor and he was never around. I mean I guess its weird when parents sleep in separate beds. So I didn’t see that kind of love there either. This is what I have seen my whole life. I have always that showing affection was during your romantic times, I guess, and that love was seen through the actions of the person doing for the other. As you know with my mom, she always said that she loved me and that was why she had sacrificed everything for me. I always knew that she would do whatever just to please my dad, and that she was happy to do. Therefore, it has been ingrained into my head that you didn’t care that you do things for the other person, that you would put yourself ahead of them and you felt good to do it for your partner, then that is how one displays the affection. This is what I have learned.

 

Okay, now you seen love through my eyes. However, there is not much to show in the man to woman relationship. What I saw was I thought was love. I never saw the Osborn showing affectionate love and I never saw how they handled their issues. Obviously, not very well. Same as in my family. You know that they have the I am right attitude. That we love you and we know what is best for you. You also know who abrasive my father was. Through all the years, if there was a problem, it was always shouting and you couldn’t say anything. You always had to agree. I just learned to withhold and drawback because I didn’t want to be so confrontational. I never saw resolution after the fact if someone was wrong when they thought that they were right. It was not part of my household for people to talk over the problems and get feedback. Talk about what things could change and what things needed to be different. There was never the consoling part after any arguments. I am just telling you this is all I saw.

 

So now, I am in my adult relationship and that is a disaster. It was a product of immaturity and selfishness, and experience. This is doomed to begin with and I learned from the experience. I came to understand the affectionate side, but it had not fully become part of what relationships were about. But sometimes affection towards others comes naturally and so I did do it. But not enough in the relationship yet that it was always shown. Yet, I did learn many things from the relationship and I knew that I did not give the greatest attention to my partner. Both parties wanted a different level of space. I wanted a lot of space and she did not. I thought it was one of the reasons that frustrated her was because although we were together, I didn’t spend a lot of time with her when I had a chance. So, I was left with the impression that I guy has to give more affection and spend more time with a woman.

 

Okay, So now comes us. I’m not going to over everything. Im just saying that you grew up with your parents and that is how you learned to show love. Your parents showered you with love and affection. From them, you parents displayed how to be loving and working out issues and reconciliation. You saw that growing up since you were able to remember. Your parents taught you a certain way, and you learned a certain way yourself. That is why you are able to get along with people well.

 

Put the two of us together, and yes things work out and we hope to try to work things out. We try to show affection towards others but we didn’t communicate well. I can only say that I don’t communicate well in situations with another loved one when arguments occur. I have done it my whole life and I try to communicate better but I don’t have much experience in a relationship setting. I believed that the actions of one partner in doing things for the other was how one sees that the other person loves him or her. When I gave into everything, I did so because that was what I thought I had to do to show it more. So when I began to feel that maybe I needed to show it more, I did that more. It seemed like I was needing someone all the time, but in fact I became suffocated by it and it is why I kind of withdraw. Whenever I felt that one side that I was not showing more, I gave more because I was trained to think that way. As I was not very good with confrontations, I tried to withhold. What usually happened then was I felt that the level of love was not appreciated so I would point the finger back around because I thought I was already showing so much. It came to the point where I became scared that I had nothing to give so I didn’t know if there was anymore that I could give. I thought that if I needed to show more, I knew it was the end. I always took the approach that I needed to give more of myself than be myself. But that was something that I did not know about women and relationships. Yes I would be fine with being with my partner, but sometimes I can feel overwhelmed when I was already close to the max that I could give. this is the reason why I would do everything with you. So when there were times that I withdrew a little, it was because I finally got some air. And then the cycle continued. Then I felt more pressure so of course I would turn things around because I could give anymore. Finally, what happened was that I didn’t know how to react to the fact that someone stops loving you. What I saw from my experience was that when you don’t love someone they leave you. My parents would leave each other. The Blakenships left each other. I always saw separation as the next step for the end. So I panicked. I didn’t know how I it could be possible that someone just stopped loving so immediately. My experience was that a person makes a decision such as that always left me the same conclusion. I didn’t know what else to do then. It was always start over. But in this case I couldn’t. And then I just couldn’t understand how one person could try to do so much but it wasn’t enough. That there had to be more that I was not doing. Being that I was facing the end with no hopes of reconciliation, I wanted to run. I wanted to find consolation, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. So I wanted to find out what went wrong. As you know me, it felt as if the blame fell all on me. I didn’t handle it very well. I was searching for answers, so I go looking up Tarot. They tell me that someone puts a curse and it was never resolved. So I contact that person to make reconciliation because maybe that may help. So yes I was unstable. It was the most terrifying time to hear that the person that told me so many things wanted to never see me again. Things weren’t handled properly between two people because they never had time to learn about each other. That was something that I realized just a bit ago. That’s the gist of it. Lack communication and lack of relationship experience to work things and not knowing each other is MY explanation.

 

So The Whys? That I have explained has only become apparent to me:

 

I know that hearing all this does not change what has happened. We are both to blame. I more than the other but the fundamental problem was that the primary issue was never resolved with me. I had gone about my way for all of my life because I was conditioned in this thinking. I can only say that I didn’t have the proper tools coming in and I never identified the underlying issue about me. I always knew that I was in love and did love in the most sensational way. I know that it was completely magic and toxic because it controlled every emotion. I know that I tried to do everything that I could. I thought this way was how one showed love. I never understood that how I am to show my love. As you say, I thought that it was supposed to be quantity and not quality. It may have been taken that I wanted quality, but I felt overwhelmed by how much the pressure it was to continue. Because of that I thought that my level of commitment was attacked.

 

However, this does not change anything how I felt. I loved with all my heart. I always put integrity in the relationship. I was open, honest, and caring throughout and I there was ABSOLUTELY and UNEQUIVOCALY NEVER a time that I strayed during the relationship. I never made any friendly calls to any other woman as well. If there was any thought of that. And all the time that I looked at another woman, it was to give me the solace that I had without any questions that you were the one for me. YOU were the only person that I was attracted with. The subject of porn, never saw it once during time together. Because you remember that I LEFT my computer with my DAD and I had told you that his friend had looked it up. I thought I erased it but I guess you have to know a lot more about computers to find out what is where. I already had the Star with me so there was never reason to look at it. If it ever came up somehow, then it was through a popup and I closed it. Coming to think about it, what satisfaction would I gain, when I was able to get the real thing all the time. Doesn’t make sense to me.

 

I didn’t know myself until this epiphany. But I learned a great deal. I always knew that I could change things, but I guess I had it so ingrained and I was conditioned to think that way, it was difficult to correct all of my habits. It goes all the way to how I had perceived that things should be. It’s the classic example of the Parable of the Cave. I toughed it up and it appeared that I was somewhat cold and shallow. It was because I was part of the environment my ENTIRE childhood Does it mean I am? Absolutely, NOT. How can you not be able to love when some convinces you to NOT EVER have kids and I ABSOLUTELY went for it. You saw how my mother and father were. There were times that I was emotional, but sometimes it happens. When I was away from them, I was very calm and I was able to be soften quite a bit. I needed to get away from that type of environment for a little bit and experience being around healthy conversations. Remember the little softball girl at the reunion when she got hit. Or the time whenever we saw children I was worried if the parent was not paying attention. Or when the little girl put her hand on the trash can and I was scared that she would get germs.

 

 

BUT SINCE SOMEONE GOT PERSONAL:

 

The point is that I never realized it was my upbringing that played some role in affecting my behavior. I AM SORRY THAT I AM A BROKE ASS. You DON’T get to pick who your parents are. Like you said, you can’t control what others do, right? I followed what they taught. I worked hard and took advantage of an education. Its difficult to learn the woman’s perspective from not having a mother around. Going to all male college also doesn’t help to learn about women. I didn’t understand that there was something more inherent and that I needed to get extra help to assist with changing things. If I had known earlier, I would have gotten help.

 

If I would have thought that because someone was injured, and it was necessary that I should feel badly to show love well I would of obviously chosen to feel bad. I didn’t raise a thought that a friend was injured, because I was HAPPIER that he was ALIVE. To me I took things the way they were. His living was my solace. Why think about pain, when you can think about happiness. I was more relieved to the fact that he was smiling and taking pictures. How could I not love. Why else would I COMPLETELY STARVE TWO DAYS but I would ALWAYS make time for others to get a meal. Or Tell her that everything was okay when I have a REAL HEART PROBLEM. My parents gave me great advice on life and how to be a specific type of person. I just didn’t get great advice on what is needed to hold a relationship better. They always told me that I shouldn’t get involved with a co-worker, especially one on the rebound. They said it would never work, but I didn’t care. It was love at -first sight for me.

 

Everyone says, you should just take this time to heal and move forward. Get on with your life.

I knew I met my SOUL MATE. I ALWAYS PUT ALL MY TRUST AND FAITH IN HER. Now, I can take this knowledge to help MYSELF be a better person.

I CAN GET HELP and I WANT to get help with working on making changes. I have continued with my pledge to live by the Honor code and the ways of my Fraternity order to ALWAYS be FAITHFUL to YOUR WOMAN.

 

What you saw were postings that I SAW ON CL TO MAKE ME LAUGH AT PEOPLE. POP UPS and are also what you saw. You knew that it was MATT who looked. Hey the guy likes porn.

 

Hmm…what else can I say….I FOUND MY PEACE. ((YEAH BOY!!)) I got the answer that the Tarot lady told me.