lolita888 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) Okay so I met this guy from my work. We ended up being friends and after a year and half we fell in love with each other and became lovers. He said that he is divorced - he and his wife fell out of love with each other due to their busy schedules. They rarely see each other or talked and didn't had sex for years. But they remain good friends because of their children. Anyways we have been lovers for two years, he was very patient and understanding of my moods - we often have argument due to me being too jealous and possessive but he always tried his best to fix it. He always tell me he loves me, he's in love with me and the only thing that makes him happy. But then time comes and he was sent to back to his office far from me but we chatted everyday except Sundays or days when his children come over to visit. He told me that he wanted to marry me, spent the rest of his life with me and so on. We set a date for that; but as the date was nearing - he became busy and occupied with a lot of things although he still talk to me.But his reply was late and he was so bus saying his children stayed with him. As impatient as I am, I got angry and started getting jealous and argue with him. He told me that wasn't the case and just wait for "that day" because he will show me and prove me that he was being serious with me. But still I got angry and insulted him and broke up with him. He got upset with the insult saying it was too much degrading. After few days I messaged him asking him for explanation for his actions and to talk and tell me the truth. He told me he's in love with me, he really wants to be with me but my attitude has been his problem and now he's not sure anymore about his plans and whether his love for me worth all of it. I knew I took him for granted. I knew my attitude towards him wasn't good. When I realized that he was really upset this time, I beg him not to leave me and give me another chance because I love him so much. He asked me to give him time because he had to think of it all - especially about us and my attitude. But then one day, I searched through facebook and found out that he is still married to his wife and that she still live in his house. They rarely see each other because of their work schedules but they're not divorced. A year before we met, they celebrated their 15th anniversary. I realized that the reason why he couldn't talk to me during Sundays was because she was home. And the woman in the picture whom he said was his "sister" was actually his wife. I do not know what to think of all this. I really thought he loved me. I felt it was real - all of it. But then everything he told me was a lie. I couldn't believe it. It hurt so much I don't know what to do. I really thought he was the one. I just couldn't understand why he had to do this. Why did he have to stay with me for years and pretend that he really loved me? Why did he have to say that he was going to marry me and even set a date? was it all lie? I still haven't told him about it but the last time I got to talk to him he said he still wants to talk to me and be with me but he still need time. I just don't know what he's thinking anymore. I'm so shocked what should I do? I loved him so much. I do not know how to move on and heal from this. Please help. I don't know what to do. Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 I'm sorry you found out the way you did, OP, but at least you discovered this. He's been hiding things for some time. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have no idea who this man really is. He's been leading a double life and playing both you and his wife, and that's just about the worst kind of man that can come your way. How long has it been since you've seen him in person? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 give him time Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 He did not love you. He just wanted to get into your pants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 So in this time you were never at his home, never met is children and thought it was normal? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Since he hid this from you (for 2 years!), promised to marry you, made you fall in love with him, and now hurt you, treated you like you were the criminal here, etc. Don't you think it's time to let his wife know? I don't usually recommend this BUT, since you had no idea, and he will most likely find someone else on the side....it think it would be an appropriate parting gift. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Oh, come on. Didn't you notice that you weren't allowed to hang out at his house all this time? Sounds like you were ignoring one big huge red flag. He's nothing but a big elaborate cheater. He's leading a double life, but you should have known this already. How can you be engaged and not be staying at his house a lot and leave your toothbrush there? Dump this turkey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita888 Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Oh, come on. Didn't you notice that you weren't allowed to hang out at his house all this time? Sounds like you were ignoring one big huge red flag. He's nothing but a big elaborate cheater. He's leading a double life, but you should have known this already. How can you be engaged and not be staying at his house a lot and leave your toothbrush there? Dump this turkey. He is from another country and was sent to our company/branch to take care of a new project. So he's been here for more than a year (although he sometimes take a break and go back home). After he returned to his country we kept in touch. We talk everyday even when he's at his office. He told me he will be back this January to be with me and plan for our marriage. But he became busy with his family and other things in the house and can only talk to me for a short time(although he still message me everyday) and reassured me. I got upset and the whole doubt in his mind came in. Our plan or his plan of going back here is postponed, saying it was my fault for putting all those doubts in his mind. Doubts if everything will be worth it etc. I had doubts before but I loved him so much I ended up ignoring them. It's my fault not searching enough so I only got to find out that about him on FB this late. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 He is from another country and was sent to our company/branch to take care of a new project. So he's been here for more than a year (although he sometimes take a break and go back home). After he returned to his country we kept in touch. We talk everyday even when he's at his office. He told me he will be back this January to be with me and plan for our marriage. But he became busy with his family and other things in the house and can only talk to me for a short time(although he still message me everyday) and reassured me. I got upset and the whole doubt in his mind came in. Our plan or his plan of going back here is postponed, saying it was my fault for putting all those doubts in his mind. Doubts if everything will be worth it etc. I had doubts before but I loved him so much I ended up ignoring them. It's my fault not searching enough so I only got to find out that about him on FB this late. And that’s why I always pay a few dollars to look at any man’s background when I start dating him... SO many first dates have been with married men pretending to be divorced!!! And two years passed without ever meeting ANy family he has? That’s a big red flag! Tell his wife! She deserves to know what a creep she’s married to! Sorry you are hurting. Better to know now. You were likely feeling jealous because your intuition was telling you things weren’t right. His excuse was your jealousy... but that was only an excuse...he would have eventually had a different excuse in order to not marry you...he knew he was stuck and caught - when you expected him to marry you. He sucks - you ought to call and tell him that!!! And tell his wife as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Lolita, I recommend that you make a complete reversal here and go completely dark on this man and on this sham of a relationship. No contact, no contact AT ALL. Expect that everything he has said or will say is a lie. You won't get the truth from him. You'll have to answer the questions you have about him for yourself, with the help of your own support system (i.e., friends and family, perhaps an independent counselor). You will not easily heal from this disaster if this man continues to be in your life. Hugs to you, Lolita. Finding out everything has been a lie and being in love at the same time is terrible. For this, he deserves no explanation. He has stolen from you, stolen your time and your love and your energy. These were things he did not deserve and he stole them! He has lived a double life, lying to your face and to his wife's face, every single day FOR YEARS. Go dark, Lolita. You've been warned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 You never looked him up on facebook until you were dating him for 2 yrs? That sounds kind of unbelievable, especially considering that this was a long distance relationship. Are you friends with him on facebook Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita888 Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) You never looked him up on facebook until you were dating him for 2 yrs? That sounds kind of unbelievable, especially considering that this was a long distance relationship. Are you friends with him on facebook I looked him up on FB before but never saw anything. I saw a lot of profile with the same name as his but not with a picture. When I asked him about it he said that he didn't like using FB because of a lot of things. He made an IG account tho but never posted anything and it was a private account. Je was only following two people on it (which now I think is his wife and daughter) I know it is very stupid of me not to search enough despite all of my doubts. I only saw a post about him on FB and his account was tagged on it. That's where I found his wife and children's profile. He had fB but never posted anything(or at least nothing he showed on Public?) his profile was of a cartoon character which he uploaded last month. His wife's profile was also private but I can see her profile photos and comments. There I saw a picture of them together and their family which she uploaded last 2013 - including the picture she posted during their anniversary. She stopped posting pictures of them after that and just posted solo picture of her (I guess he asked her not to post his picture). But in one of those pictures she posted last year, she was at his house. I know how their house looks liked cause he showed it to me a lot of times. Now everything just suddenly starting to make sense to me. Funny thing cause he once did a video call to me when there was a party in his house but it was (as he said niece) and his daughter prepared for it. The food was awesome and all but he was bored he said and out of place..I saw that said party on his wife's profile as well... I really do blame myself for this.. If only I found out early. I still can't believe he did all of this to me. I really don't know how to move on from this. I really imaged being with him for the rest of my life. Planned for it and everything. This is really painful. Edited January 27, 2019 by lolita888 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 I'm so sorry. Well, we start off trusting and idealistic and it only takes one catastrophe like this and we learn our lesson and become more cautious and keep our eyes open. It's not your fault he's a cheater. And you will see the next one coming, if there is a next one. Let's hope not. You have to understand that finding THE one woman is not every man's dream. A lot of them would like to have access to more than one on an ongoing basis. Don't waste any more time on him. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and realize he wasn't the man you hoped he was, so he wasn't the right man, and move on as soon as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita888 Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 You were likely feeling jealous because your intuition was telling you things weren’t right. His excuse was your jealousy... but that was only an excuse...he would have eventually had a different excuse in order to not marry you...he knew he was stuck and caught - when you expected him to marry you. He sucks - you ought to call and tell him that!!! And tell his wife as well. I think you are right. He was extra sweet last year but for some reason I just can't help but get jealous and feel something wasn't right. Even he himself said that to me, that he don't understand why I have been like that for months. That he doesn't know what else to do to make me trust him. Saying he couldn't wait but go in here so that he can marry me and prove that he loves me. I remember he was upset cause I didn't message him for his birthday because I was angry. The next day I talked to him but he suddenly turned off the cam and was gone for an hour. He said that his friend Called him for his birthday. Of course I didn't believe, I thought it t was a woman cause why else would he spent that long on phone? I now think that his wife called him that's why. I broke up with him last year a lot of times. One time I broke up with him and didn't talked to him for a week so he kept on calling and texting me. Saying how hurt he is and that he really thought I loved him but looks like he was just dreaming by himself. Etc I cannot believe it was all a lie and I believed it. I was jealous he have another woman but turned out it was his wife. Oh god. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 What happened to you is a terrible blow and I know you’re hurting a lot right now. Honestly, I wouldn’t give the guy another moment of my time. He would be completely dead to me the moment I discovered the truth. Let him wonder about why you disappeared. When someone lies to you on this kind of scale, it’s unforgivable and unfixable. I hope, in the future, you never allow yourself to be put in this situation again. Unfortunately, women underestimate the lengths men will go to in order to chase women and have sex with them. You need to be much more cautious about trusting too easily. It doesn’t mean you have to act bitter and angry; it just means that you play it smart and let a man earn your trust before you give it freely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Tell is wife. I never knew my former affair partner was married, and I wasn't invested in him like you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita888 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 it's been five weeks since we had a proper talk. This is the date he promised he would be here but there he goes he is back working. It is still very painful to me. I have been crying and crying. Trying to make everything clearer to me, trying to move on, trying to understand everything but it's still very painful. I still can't believe he fooled me like that. I remember when he asked me if my family and friends know of our marriage plan and I said "no" it made him upset and asked if it's because I feel embarrassed having him as my boyfriend, of course I said "no" I didn't told them because there is this doubt on my mind and told him just in case you changed your mind once you are back in your country but he assured me that nothing will change his mind. He asked that to me more than once so I ended up telling my family that we are getting married. I just couldn't understand why he had to do that, why? I never asked for him to marry me. I was fine just being his girlfriend so why did he have to make such promise knowing he will never be able to do it? All I wanted was to know the truth and for him to talk on why he did what he did. I texted him lots of times asking him why he did that. Why did he have to hurt me. He told me that he wasn't breaking up with me and not leaving me. All he asked was to give him time to think about it all. That he didn't thought things will end this way as well. He was so sure about his plans but my attitude towards him really discouraged him. I didn't believe him. Because he told me before he will take a long vacation leave so that he can be with me but then he spent all this time with his family or maybe wife and fix their newly bought house for Close up. That's why I realized he never had a plan to actually go in here. Because all these time he had other plans to do. I will admit that there was a part of me that wishing he wasn't lying and was actually thinking about us. But now it's really syncing to me that he just fooled me. I'm so hurt. Especially because this date would've been the day that we'll be together. I just really wish I could know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 You want to know why he lied to you and why he manipulated you, and you’re looking for answers from the liar/manipulator. He did it because he could. He did it because it’s his nature. He did it because he was bored. Does the “why” really matter? The situation is unfixable and you’ll never understand why he did what he did because you don’t have a clue about the rotten inner workings of his mind. Hanging on to wanting answers is going to keep you tied to this lousy human being. It doesn’t matter how good and nice he seemed, he isn’t the person you thought he was, and he never will be. I get it that it’s shattering when you find this kind of thing out. But after you’ve reeled this around in your head for awhile and badgered him for answers, you’re going to need to let it go at some point. People get hurt every day. They get fooled by others. They get manipulated. How do you think that happens? Because they’re stupid? No. It’s because some people are very good at pulling off lies and they get a certain amount of satisfaction out of it. Just because you can’t imagine thinking that way, doesn’t mean others don’t think like that. He tricked you. He knows what he did and he’s banking on your weakness to keep you with him. And him wanting to keep you with him isn’t a compliment, btw. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita888 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) []He is back because the company called for him again to do another project here in my country. I didn't know what to do after hearing the news. I went to the comfort room and cried my eyes out. I cried and cried - and eventually had to asked for an excused to leave early (I said that I am not feeling well). It feels like everything, all of the feelings that I have been compressing inside me just exploded at once. The longing, the anger, the memories, the failed dream and the time I wasted all of the feelings just came back. The hardest part is that... I had to work with him again. I had to see just before I could even move on. I really wish I could just retire or find another good paying job but it's not easy with my country's crisis...so I couldn't afford to leave so suddenly. I saw him and there was this awkward look. I felt so emotional but didn't let it show. But still I wanted to talk to him and ask him why he did such a thing to me. I am not even sure if he's telling the truth or what. He told me that he and his wife has grown apart of the years that the two of them became busy with their careers; the wife wanted something more for her career before she retired so she said that they should have their own lives first because they will have a lot of time together once they retired but the opportunity or time that they have to achieved what they want, they only have that "now" because their children has just started their own life. It is true that there were months that he and his wife didn't see each other - as he said I have watched him for a month whenenever he's home... he woke up alone and leave the house alone and go back home alone and wash his clothes, I've seen him always alone. It made him lonely, he tried to entertain himself with other things but none of it really hit him. But at the same time he couldn't get himself to divorce his wife because he loves her, they have been together since they were teens and married when they were in their 20's. But he was lonely and as years goes by he became frustrated and wanted to feel loved. He was craving for that emotional connection. He admit he was wrong to lie to me, he was at fault but at that time... he wasn't making promises because it was what he was really feeling those times. When he says he wanted to be with me and marry me and so on it was all true. He wasn't playing. He was in love with me. The only thing that made me happy during those time. That's why even though I kept starting an argument with him and all, he kept saying that nothing will change his mind. But when he returned home the first time, his wife wanted to fix their marriage which he agreed to do so but it wasn't the same anymore. I was the one on his mind. I was the one he was missing while he was with her. So when he came back he thought that he wanted to be with me, thus making those promises. When he returned home after his job was over, he returned him with a plan to divorce his wife and tell his family about me. But his wife and his family and her family all started to spend time together during Christmas holidays. Still I was on his mind but little by little doubts started to appear. After many years he felt that he have "family" again. The friends that they have known together for long time. It's as if that just one moment they made him feel like he is truly missed. His children and his wife and his in-laws. He was trying to weigh in"Should he do it or not" - but I ended up arguing with him and eventually broke up with him and throw him an insult that was hard to swallow. In the end it's as if the door was opened up for him and a choice has been made. He couldn't afford to lose his family and all of it. I came back home and cried again and I am still crying while posting this, I have no one to talked to. I feel so alone, so lonely and hurt. I am not sure if he was being honest but at least I got that part an explanation but it was so painful, so painful. Why is he happy with his family again while I am in pain? The worst part I have to endure seeing him. What should I do? I want to be professional but I still am hurting every time I see him. Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge threads and add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Omg this is so awful!! I feel so bad for you?? How long will this man be in your company?? Whatever you do DO NOT make the decision to spend the night with him. This will only make it worse for you. The feelings will deepen tenfold. I'm so very sorry. Please maintain strength and ignore him the best way you know how too. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 You have my sympathy as well. Agree with NW that you should hold out through this TEMPORARY situation. When he is gone again you can continue to move on properly. Once you've had time to heal emotionally you will be able to find someone who didn't deceive you from the start like this. Hopefully there will be a happy ending to your story. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Just do not talk to him. If needed any question should be answered with a simple yes or no. The less you engage in conversation - the more he gets the idea you have move past this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita888 Posted February 20, 2019 Author Share Posted February 20, 2019 The more I see him the more I realized how scary he is. Scary so so scary. It's scary how he can lie so much. If I didn't find out about his wife, I would've still believe everything he says. His face, his eyes he doesn't even bat an eyelash when lying.... scary. But seeing him like that makes me angry more at myself for falling for him. I must admit I still love him. I still have feelings for him. I still want him. And it hurts knowing it will never be happen. He was a liar, from the beginning it was all a lie and I fell for it. It hurt so much to think he will never be mine. He never loved me. and I can't help but notice his wedding ring every time i see his hand and it reminds me of the painful truth. I always have to stop myself from crying even though I can feel my tears building up in my eyes every time I see it. I wish I can just fall in love with someone right away. That way I wouldn't be that affected. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 It's really unfortunate and clearly very triggering for you. You can rest assured that the difficult time WILL pass and the feelings WILL fade. They always do. It just takes time. Getting through what's going on now is key. Look for distractions - as many and as good as you can find without endangering yourself. Think the time for truly processing this will be once he's gone again. Wish you the best of luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lolita888 Posted February 22, 2019 Author Share Posted February 22, 2019 Thank you everyone for your replies. How long will this man be in your company?? He will be here for three months planning and talk about the project and then go back to his country and come back to check on the project and when needed. I have no plan of getting back with him. Today he was acting a bit more friendly to me (giving me coffee and sandwich) which I didn't eat, trying to talk. I saw him laughing with other female workers and when he noticed me walked by he followed me to talk and says that he was just trying to get closer to the workers so that the atmosphere will lighten up a bit. I told him I do not care, I just hope he won't con them the same way he did to me and then walked away before he could even reply. He wanted to talk but I ignored him. Reminds me when he was still fooling me. I often get jealous and he often has to explain himself. When my jealous became too much and I ended up breaking up with him he threw that line " I really thought you love. God did I believe you. But you were no different. This is also one of the reasons why my wife left me. She's often jealous thinking that I have someone else when I all have been doing is work. Never really understood how busy I am." Whenever he talk about his wife I always ended up feeling sorry and get back together with him. Showing me a family picture of his parent's wedding anniversary. I asked if the woman next to him was his wife and he corrected me saying "ex" and no that's not my wife she's my sister. And showed me another one picture of her. I said she's so pretty and he said "Yes she is. Thank you" Ah what a liar. I wonder what he must be feeling then showing me those pictures and lying to me. Must be really laughing at me inside. I am really starting to hate him. I really wish I can hurt him as much as he hurt me, get revenge and make him look like a fool. I should never forget how much he played me for and what a liar he is. Link to post Share on other sites
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