Just Needed Space -OR- Did She Have An Affair?

[elaine567]

She told me the most that's ever happened is that he held her once and comforted her because she and I had a really big fight (I was drunk and angry) and she thought we were over. It's always doom and gloom with her in those situations, whereas I am just blowing off steam and I need time to be pissy before I come to my senses and talk things out.

Women rarely forget these type of incidents

[Ryobi]

Move fast. You need to know one way or the other.

 

Voice activated recorders, GPS are the cheapest.

 

There maybe laws in your state but if you purchase with cash there will be no record that they were yours even if they're found.

 

Have you checked the online phone bill? That will give you a clue as to how much they are communicating. If it's a lot it's a bad sign. You can get this done in 15 minutes

 

 

Okay, thanks.

[Marc878]

Most with your issue will dawdle or drag their feet. It's the worst thing you can do.

 

In most cases the need to know is great so get it done as quick as possible.

 

Unless you just want out. In that case you need to do nothing

[Marc878]

Stop telegraphing or telling her anything. This will do nothing for you and if she is cheating will help them immensely.

 

Quit being your own worst enemy.

 

What was the big fight about?

[DKT3]

Women rarely forget these type of incidents

 

We know, we know, any poor behavior on a womans part always has roots in something that the man did. Maybe he forgot to hold a door 15 years ago, so that makes her cheating moot.

 

OP, you dont own any responsibility for your wifes actions here. She is a big girl who makes her own choices.

[El Duendecillo]

OP,

 

Do you really want to know if your wife is having an affair, or are you one of these husbands that deep down really do not want to know? I ask you this, because you do not seem to be listening the advice and suggestions being offered here.

 

By confronting your wife with your suspicions, and not having hard evidence, you have just driven her affair (assuming she's having one) deeper underground. Now you will have to work much harder to uncover the truth.

 

To be honest, your wife's answers when you confronted her, really does sound like there is something going on with this "gay friend". Did she not tell you once previously that he is not gay? But now that you are on to her, she's telling you that he is gay.

 

If you really want to know the full truth, start listening to advice being given to you here. If you want a shot at saving your marriage, or ridding yourself of a cheating wife, you need to learn the full truth ASAP.

[Ryobi]

OP,

 

Do you really want to know if your wife is having an affair, or are you one of these husbands that deep down really do not want to know? I ask you this, because you do not seem to be listening the advice and suggestions being offered here.

 

By confronting your wife with your suspicions, and not having hard evidence, you have just driven her affair (assuming she's having one) deeper underground. Now you will have to work much harder to uncover the truth.

 

To be honest, your wife's answers when you confronted her, really does sound like there is something going on with this "gay friend". Did she not tell you once previously that he is not gay? But now that you are on to her, she's telling you that he is gay.

 

If you really want to know the full truth, start listening to advice being given to you here. If you want a shot at saving your marriage, or ridding yourself of a cheating wife, you need to learn the full truth ASAP.

 

 

I wanted to ****ing know. I'm not going to be some ****ing cuck. She picked up on my mood immediately and I couldn't blow her off, so it came out.

 

 

Anyway, I think I'm just going to end it. I don't believe a goddamn thing she's telling me and I'm not going to put in the effort of trying to catch her when I can just walk instead. **** it.

[Marc878]

It's up to you. Most want the truth to make the decision. Rarely do you see someone just walk away.

 

You can never be 100% sure unless you dig deep and fast. Your moods will shift tomorrow you may want the marriage.

 

Do not linger where you are its just a longer stay in limbo.

 

In any event no marriage is perfect but the decision to cheat if that's what's going on is never justifiable. She's not perfect either. Did her imperfections cause you to cheat?

[Ryobi]

It's up to you. Most want the truth to make the decision. Rarely do you see someone just walk away.

 

You can never be 100% sure unless you dig deep and fast. Your moods will shift tomorrow you may want the marriage.

 

Do not linger where you are its just a longer stay in limbo.

 

In any event no marriage is perfect but the decision to cheat if that's what's going on is never justifiable. She's not perfect either. Did her imperfections cause you to cheat?

 

 

No. I've never cheated on her. I never would. And if I did, I'd feel so ****ing guilty about it that I wouldn't be able to keep it under wraps for long. And even if I tried, she'd figure it out and I'd spill my guts. I am an honest person like that, unlike her. She is a habitual liar with a long history. She constructs elaborate scenarios just to get out of some minor trouble or to prevent hurting someone's feelings. I can't trust her no matter how much I want to. There will always be that little thought in the back of my mind and I really don't wanna play P.I. with my own wife.

[DKT3]

Ryobi, this is exactly how I felt, and walked away is exactly what I did. It was only once my wife was holding divorce papers did she finally get honest. I didn't want to play pi or waste a lot of energy looking for proof. Your gut instinct is usually correct.

 

How you decide to handle this has to be your decision, one you should be comfortable with.

[El Duendecillo]

I wanted to ****ing know. I'm not going to be some ****ing cuck. She picked up on my mood immediately and I couldn't blow her off, so it came out.

 

 

Anyway, I think I'm just going to end it. I don't believe a goddamn thing she's telling me and I'm not going to put in the effort of trying to catch her when I can just walk instead. **** it.

 

 

Ryobi,

 

Sorry for my asking you those questions so bluntly. The anger and passion in your response, was missing in your previous posts.

 

Walking away is certainly your choice, but before you end your marriage without definitive proof, take your anger and put on your best poker face, then get down to the business of doing some serious detective work.

 

If you change your mind and want to know first if she is having an affair, try to not show your emotions in her presence. Do not ask her any more questions or share any more suspicions. Pretend that you bought her story, while your secret investigation is taking place. Let her relax enough to resume her normal routine.

 

Go James Bond if that's what it takes to get the truth. As has already been suggested, a VAR (voice activated recorder) hidden in her car, and also hidden in strategic locations throughout your home, is a good place to start.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you. You are an honest individual who married a habitual liar. What a horrible way to live knowing you never really know if she is ever being truthful to you.

 

By the way, I wonder how she would feel if you confided with a female friend, hugged her and made sure that you deleted messages to her in case your wife finds out?

 

You deserve better my friend and I believe that you know this as well. Good luck.

[Turning point]

Walking away is certainly your choice, but before you end your marriage without definitive proof, take your anger and put on your best poker face, then get down to the business of doing some serious detective work.

 

If his wife is cheating, the infidelity sounds like a by product of an already toxic marriage. If this is the case then the reason to end it already exists. Going Magnum PI on her would serve no purpose, add more trauma, and prolong healing.

[usa1ah]

It is st the very least an emotional affair with the coworker.

 

Get a lawyer and file.

 

Do not leave the home.

 

I believe she is having a full on physical affair.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She told me that she's going through a really rough time and she's confused about where I stand with her, where we stand as a couple, and that this friend of hers is there to give her advice and support, ...

 

Your red flags in the first post alone are cause for serious concern. This statement above is classic cheater thoughts between the EA and PA phases. My WW had the same "I don't know if I want to stay married" thoughts while having her affair. Of course none of these self-doubting thoughts existed prior to her hanging out with her male co-worker (AP). It's a way for cheaters to justify moving the relationship into a physical affair. The old "did I marry the wrong person" excuse.

 

You don't mention how long you've been together/married. Usually once the marriage moves from Newlywed Love to Realistic Love there is a higher risk of adultery. This starts around Year 3 of the marriage.

 

Your wife sounds like a conflict-avoider, another high risk trait for cheaters.

[Fekenaws]

I mean, I hate giving definite answers on anything but I have to just come right out and say it, but its pretty obvious she is having an affair

[40somethingGuy]

Well she said she's been so starry-eyed in love with me for so many years and lately she's started to come to terms with the notion that maybe we're not going to work out. As I said, we have a few underlying issues and neither of us were making the right moves to resolve them, one way or another. We've basically just been sweeping things under the rug. I know it isn't a productive or mature way of dealing with things.

 

 

 

I don't know what to think - they've been friends for longer than I've known her and I never had any indications or reasons to think there could ever be anything more than that between them - until now.

 

She told me the most that's ever happened is that he held her once and comforted her because she and I had a really big fight (I was drunk and angry) and she thought we were over. It's always doom and gloom with her in those situations, whereas I am just blowing off steam and I need time to be pissy before I come to my senses and talk things out.

 

 

So I dunno, I understand where she's coming from.. but I just can't shake the feeling and it sucks because how can I ever?

One day out of the blue my wife got weird and different. She picked fights and tried to make it seem like everything was my fault she was all of a sudden so unhappy. I am extremely consistent so I couldn't figure out why she was blaming me for stuff all of a sudden. I still had lovey emails from her randomly telling me how much she loved me etc from before so I know she wasn't unhappy THEN. But one day she woke and was a different person and bad weather was my fault and everything I did was bad, wrong etc. Her phone was locked, she texted constantly, she even shaved herself down there (even though she knew I always loved her natural and she never cared to shave it). Well, one day I checked phone records and then waited for her to make a mistake and leave her phone. I saw a couple weeks earlier what her code was and I waited until I got the chance and saw that she ran into a former lover who lived 3 streets away. They met at lunch breaks etc. Remarkably, no sex happened BECAUSE OF HIM not her (she clearly made it known she wanted to). Point being, the fight was likely picked to paint you as the problem when the problem was her all along. Your wife may feel guilt for doing this and being a good liar. So, in their twisted minds it makes them feel better convincing themselves while in an affair fog that you are the reason they HAVE to cheat. Its sick. But you can't help yourself so you had to show your cards. No matter what she is saying, it is almost impossible she is not cheating.

[Turning point]

... and that this friend of hers is there to give her advice and support...

 

I got that line from my xW cheater. I asked her: "..is he giving you vertical or horizontal support?"

 

Cheaters have no sense of humor.

...him and her other female friend (they're a trio).

It's not common for a cheating couple to drag a third wheel around with them, especially once it's gone physical. You might want to take a closer look at that dynamic.