Is it worth reconciling??

[Cailean]

I (39M) dated a woman (37W) for three months last fall. We had a great intellectual connection, lots of hobbies and interests in common, but I had some concerns regarding longer-term compatibility very early on.

 

• She doesn't want to have kids of her own (due to some bad genes she doesn't want to pass down), whereas I would like to. She did once mention interest in adoption of a toddler or slightly older child.
  
• There are some cultural issues, which I won't get into as I don't want to risk accidentally identifying her. All I will say is that I am perfectly okay with the difference, but it is something that I can personally never, fully appreciate or understand.
  
• She's extremely stubborn about certain weird things. This includes things like the route driven to go to certain locations, and food quality to an abnormal degree (she actually refuses to eat any meat that has ever been frozen). She seems to assume that others are equally stubborn (including myself) when that isn't the case.
  
• She has a very difficult time settling down and just relaxing. She must always be doing something, even at the end of the day when most people would be winding down. She also out-right refuses to watch movies or tv. I don't mean she tends not to - I mean refuses!
  

 

She is also very sex-positive, which is extremely new to me. While I am far from traditional regarding sex, I am somewhat reserved and have very limited experience. Whereas she has extensive experience, has had extensive partners, and enjoys things being rather kinky now and again. I am open to new experiences, but the relative difference between our experiences freaked me out a little bit resulting in us never having sex. I had mentioned to her that I found her experience to be somewhat intimidating compared to mine. She seemed willing to wait for things to happen.

 

There are various other differences too (we're almost polar opposites in some ways). I like pubs, she hates them. She likes night-clubs, I hate those. Yes, hate is the right word here. She has serious issues with authority (understandable if you know the details), whereas I have a lot of respect for it. She doesn't do drugs, but is quite drug positive (if that makes any sense). She's convinced that my family would hate her. I don't know about that, but I could see lots of awkward conversations occuring.

 

She called it off after those three months, indicating that she felt that we were both stuck in our ways, and wasn't seeing progress regarding the physical component (we never ended up having sex). I had mentioned that I had been thinking that perhaps we were looking for different things down the road (kids was primarily on my mind at the time when I said that). So we ended it amicably without much debate with the idea of staying friends.

 

I took the idea of staying friends with the healthy dose of skepticism that one does, to only have her reach out to me 2 weeks later. We actually have hung out a couple of times in the past couple of months without any issue. It really is no different than when we were dating, but without the physical component. We also are in touch MUCH less frequently.

 

I just turned 40 and that has gotten me thinking about several things. A lot of it being reflection on that relationship. We got along incredibly well, have a lot in common and I still see a lot of potential. I also keep thinking about the reasons she gave for ending it and the reason I had and that we didn't actually try to talk through it. We just both saw some reasons and figured "oh well!" I especially now realize the the issues she raised are actually related. The core issue was that we weren't communicating properly.

 

It's becoming more and more clear to me now that we were making lots of assumptions of each other based on our own pre-conceived notions. She clearly though I was as stubborn as her regarding the things that I happened to do differently, when all it is, is that I do things a little bit differently. Whereas I had gotten her sex-positivity confused with being some kind of kink-obsessed individual who would try to force me to do things that I outright would not want to do.

 

Turning 40 has also gotten me thinking about whether I still want kids. I will admit, relationships have always eluded me and can't help but wonder if it may just not happen for me regardless.

 

I guess I'm debating whether or not it would be worth pursuing things with her again. The only reason I'm debating this is that I don't want to do this unless I'm certain that I want to make a long term commitment with her (not marriage just yet, simply committed and monogamous) and am smart enough to know that suggesting it is a one-shot deal. My own personal debate on wanting kids is part of that. That and I do care enough about her where I don't want to be screwing around with her time and feelings. She is a bit of a tough-as-nails type, but it really is to protect a severely vulnerable side to her personality. I've seen the vulnerable side seep out a couple of times, and both times, she made a point of clamping it right down. (She's gone through some stuff...)

 

I'm not sure what I'm really asking here at this point. I think I just felt a need to put this out into the ether. Please respond with your thoughts and opinions.

 

Serious replies only. No trolls please.

[ExpatInItaly]

You two had some significant incompatibilities, which would have made a long-term relationship difficult.

 

Leave this one in the past. It didn't work before for a reason. Several reasons, actually.