You can do better than me

[FMW]

I had someone say that to me several times over a relationship that eventually was ended, by him. It's been some time ago, but it still pops into my head at times.

 

Have any of you ever used that line (particularly men), and if so was it simply a way to let someone down easy when you weren't really into them?

[alphamale]

Have any of you ever used that line (particularly men), and if so was it simply a way to let someone down easy when you weren't really into them?

 

yes & yes..

[basil67]

I think it's fair to say that he was right

[ChatroomHero]

It's guilt over cheating or doing something bad or else knowing they will eventually break up with you but are stringing you along. Either reason, it probably comes from guilt.

[Normm]

One of the oldest breakup lines in the book to make it easier for the dumper to cut the cord and supposedly make it less painful therefore alleviating their guilt to some degree.

 

 

It's akin to "I'm not good enough for you" or "I am holding you back from better things".

[PRW]

I would never tell anyone that they could do better than me. But I might tell them that if they thought they could do better than me,..."go for it,...knock yourself out,...see ya 'round".

 

No offense to AlphaMale, that I'm sure meant it for other reasons,...this usually comes from guys who have a miserable view of themselves and zero confidence,...they have a disgusting "I'm unworthy! Unworthy!" attitude.

[FMW]

Thanks for the responses, that's what I thought!

 

I'm pretty straight forward and I just don't understand why others can't be the same. There are ways to say it's not working out without being mean or blowing smoke.

 

Just a note to anyone else who plans on using that line, it's kind of condescending and offensive - like "it's me, it's not you". I think that's why it still pops into my head.....

[preraph]

If it's a man saying it, believe him. If a man tells you he's no good, he knows he's not going to do right. May have nothing to do with you. He just knows he isn't going to try that hard to make anything work or has a fatal flaw or addiction or is alcoholic or can't hold a job or whatever the case may be. Men can be surprisingly straightforward at times, and in this case, it's a way to release any obligation he has by warning you he's not great. Once they warn you they're not great and you stay with them anyway, then their conscience is clear to treat you any old way and it's "I told you so," basically. It's just a way of shirking responsibility. Plus who needs someone around who has that mindset? He's going to suck the life out of you.

 

If it's a woman, I haven't run into that personally (because I'm a woman probably!) but I'd say the same thing.

[Ronni_W]

Have any of you ever used that line (particularly men), and if so was it simply a way to let someone down easy when you weren't really into them?

In my case, he thought that, "You can do better than me," gave him a built-in excuse to not have to make any of the proper efforts that are required to be made in a relationship.

 

When he acted thoughtless, unkind, selfish, and I said something about it..."Well, I told you that I'm not good enough for you." And then I was supposed to just shut up, because it was true.

 

When we first hear it, we feel desperate to prove them wrong, is how they rope us in, in the first place. Desperate to either to prove that they're good people, or that we're not arrogant people;

that there's nothing wrong with them, and that we're just regular, down-to-earth folk.

[preraph]

^ Exactly! That's the textbook way it works. Just a way to shirk responsibility and transfer it over to the woman and then gaslight about it. Just clear out if someone tells you that, even if they have tears in their eyes, which they often do if they're drunk enough to be blathering like that. What every woman should do is go, Oh, Okay, bye, and walk out.

[FMW]

He was 9 years older than me and would also occasionally pull out the "you're younger and better looking than me" comment.

 

These comments were always red flags to me, but I just let them go. I think I probably always had the feeling they were being put out there for excuses for any future bad behavior, as others have noted.

 

If I ever hear any of that in the future it will be an automatic door slam on the relationship.

[preraph]

A similar type is the "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" guy. If he's saying that about marriage and you are looking for a legal marriage, he's right: Don't fix it. Just leave. I used to know one of those and he was such a jerk. He had this beautiful and submissive local model, and that was his line. She was so submissive she was one of the only women who would have put up with him, plus she was five times better looking than him.

 

Finally, one day she got tired of picking up his socks and got out of there. She married a new guy a short time after. He always regretted it, of course. She was a one-time opportunity, and he blew it and degenerated further into alcoholism.

 

It's broke, Dude. If both people can't agree on it, it is broke.

[Lotsgoingon]

Let's get to some brutal honesty?

 

Were you in key ways "better" or more mature than he was?

 

I don't think I've said this, but I have had others say this to me ... and later I concluded:

 

1. They were right ... they were not as mature as I was ... or couldn't quite accept themselves even as I allowed for some of their immaturity ... I accepted them more than they did--and interestingly they felt themselves under a lot of pressure because of this.
    
   or
    
    
   
2. It's an excuse to get out of a relationship you don't really like, but don't have the courage or finesse to tell someone the honest reason why.

 

In either case, if someone ever says that, the only sane reaction is to believe them ... and to run! They're saying loud and clear that they are not comfortable in the relationship and that the relationship is asking them to be a better person than they can be. All the kind compassionate in the world won't change this.

 

And there's a good chance that if you allowed yourself to be brutally honest, you know exactly why they said what they said--you see the flaws (and the ways you wouldn't be happy ) that they're talking about.

[Ronni_W]

 

1. <snip>
   or
   
2. It's an excuse to get out of a relationship you don't really like, but don't have the courage or finesse to tell someone the honest reason why.
   

In my case, he did not want out of the relationship at all; in no way, shape or form. Why would he want or need that, when, for him, it was basically his ideal situation...

...as long as he could just keep not having to make any efforts, and not take, or be given, any proper responsibility.

[somanymistakes]

I had someone say that to me several times over a relationship that eventually was ended, by him. It's been some time ago, but it still pops into my head at times.

 

Have any of you ever used that line (particularly men), and if so was it simply a way to let someone down easy when you weren't really into them?

 

Used it yes. Was it about letting someone down easy? No. It was mostly about me not being, at that time, mature enough to deal with my own ****. I knew I had problems, I couldn't deal with them, I lashed out to drive my partner away from me.

 

It was about self-hatred. I'm worthless, you deserve better than me, you shouldn't be with me, I'll PROVE that I'm bad for you, please leave me because that's what I deserve.

[basil67]

I'm pretty straight forward and I just don't understand why others can't be the same. There are ways to say it's not working out without being mean or blowing smoke.

 

Just a note to anyone else who plans on using that line, it's kind of condescending and offensive - like "it's me, it's not you". I think that's why it still pops into my head.....

 

You're only looking at this from the POV of a person breaking up and using it as an excuse. But for a person who's self esteem is in the toilet, it's not about you - it's a statement about how they feel about themselves.

 

And as a woman who's used the "it's me, not you" line, it's only because I didn't want the drama of them begging with "I'll change!" or "No, you're wrong, I'm not moody and unpleasant to be around". If you don't give a reason, they don't get an angle to argue against the breakup.

[Gretchen12]

If you look at the statement itself, it simply means "we are not compatible".

 

One person can do better, means, no match.

[FMW]

Interesting responses, thanks.

 

I guess as in most things I'll never really know what was in his head or what his motivation was.

[thefooloftheyear]

It's just another manifestation of "its not you,.... its me"..

 

But I do think men and women may differ here a bit..

 

If its a guy saying it, allows the guy to relieve their guilt for dropping someone on their head...Most guys that say that probably don't really believe it..

 

IME, though I think women can actually say it and mean it...Especially when it comes down to looks/body...Men have no issue and are glad if their woman is better looking and better body than they are....Flip it around and you get some women that don't like other women eyeing up their man, don't want the competition, and want to feel that they are the "pretty" one in the couple...If you look around you normally see women with guys not physically on their level...Rarely see it the other way around..

 

TFY

[basil67]

Of course, when a dumper tells you "You need someone who can your needs" it's a huge slap in the face for being too much hard work.

 

Just pointing it out because the phrases are similar but have very different meanings.

[Arieswoman]

Of course, when a dumper tells you "You need someone who can your needs" it's a huge slap in the face for being too much hard work.

 

 

^^^ this x100

 

 

My exH told me "I can't live up to your high standards" and I responded "is helping me a bit around the house having 'high standards'?" He didn't respond to that.

 

 

It was his way of justifying being a lazy @r$e.

 

 

 

He's now got a woman who picks up after him while he sits on his backside, so more fool her

[somanymistakes]

 

IME, though I think women can actually say it and mean it...Especially when it comes down to looks/body...Men have no issue and are glad if their woman is better looking and better body than they are....Flip it around and you get some women that don't like other women eyeing up their man, don't want the competition, and want to feel that they are the "pretty" one in the couple...If you look around you normally see women with guys not physically on their level...Rarely see it the other way around..

 

Of course you could just as easily take that as "men are extremely shallow and refuse to date women who aren't gorgeous no matter what, women care more about feelings than looks and are willing to date guys who aren't as hot as they are if the relationship is good"

 

Which I'm not saying is true, it's just demonstrating how the same observation can lead to very different conclusions

[DKT3]

Find my way,

 

Truth is, most men are cowards when it comes to ending relationships.

 

I dont consider myself a coward but. A year after my divorce I started dating a young woman, great woman but we wanted different things, we were at different stages in life. She was looking to start a family and I was still shook from mine being broken up. Children by multiple women never interested me so I knew there was an expiration date

 

I tried a few times to get her to end it by making it clear I didn't want kids with another woman. She got it but I believe she thought in time she could change my mind.

 

Eventually I just had to have the talk and it included the she deserves better, which in this case was true. I knew I couldn't commit to her 100% because I was 1) still in love with my ex wife 2) reasons mentioned above.

 

Yeah, its common to play the you deserve better card, sometimes it's real and sometimes it is BS and cowardice.

[FMW]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the comments.

 

In my situation, at least, I definitely fall firmly in the camp that he was simply setting up his eventual departure. I don't know why it still bugs me (and still pops into my mind). I guess it's ego because it made me feel he thought I was too dense to see through it. But it's definitely on my list of relationship enders in the future.

[alphamale]

Truth is, most men are cowards when it comes to ending relationships.

 

totally agree