Dumped by my boyfriend *Updated* Back together

[corgis]

Hi everyone.

 

I’m new to this platform so I’m sorry if I do this wrong.

 

This paragraph is just explaining how it happened, you can skip it if you want. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me yesterday and I don’t know how to handle it, especially since he’s the first boy i’ve ever dated. We were having a generally good day but then I asked him if he wanted me to not text him on sunday (i asked him this on saturday after i noticed he was too busy to have proper conversation) because he was on a trip over the weekend. He said okay but then he accidentally told me that I was a burden to him, then I got quite angry (it’s hard to explain - it makes a lot more sense in my native language). We both misunderstood - he thought I got mad because he was busy and I misunderstood that he said that he probably won’t be able to text because he’s busy with a lot of important things. Long story short, I wanted to leave when I thought he was calling me a burden, found out he didn’t mean it, and now he doesn’t want me back.

 

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’ve messed up and if I just kept my mouth shut about everything then we would still be together. We were still cuddling, having sex and being overall amazing before he left for the trip.

 

He told me that he feels like he’ll never be good enough for me when I know that’s not true. He also said after graduating university this year, he knows the chances of us surviving are minuscule as we’ll no longer live in the same country and won’t for another few years. I know is true but I believe like we could make it work. I don’t know what to do - I just want him back. It ended so quickly it almost feels like he was waiting for it to end. Please send any and every bit of advice. I really need it right now.

 

If you’ve read until the end - thank you for reading, I look forward to reading your advice.

Edited January 27, 2019 by corgis
grammar

[ChatroomHero]

He's gas lighting you. He wanted to break up and gave you at least a couple of indications based on your post. He said you were a burden, then said he didn't mean it so it would become your fault. He says he's not good enough...there is another thread today where a guy said the same thing and basically it is because he feels guilty about something...but again, makes it your fault. When he said he's not good enough for you, he is implying that the issue is with you wanting too much, not him.

 

 

He said after graduation, you two probably wouldn't survive with each other. That's a fancy way of saying, "After graduation I will probably move on from you. You are not that important that I am going to alter my life plans to fit you in". You say "it almost feels like he was waiting for it to end". I'll alter that to make it what it really is, "he was waiting for it to end".

 

 

I'm very sorry you are going through this, but you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. The longer you are with him, the harder it would be for you. For him, he has already checked out. If he strings you along for a while longer, it won't be any harder for him to end it in the future.

 

 

The advice I will give is be happy you dodged a bullet. If you think it was so great being with someone who was not all that invested in you, just imagine how good it will be when you meet the guy that would move the earth to be with you. hang in there, it will get better.

[corgis]

He's gas lighting you. He wanted to break up and gave you at least a couple of indications based on your post. He said you were a burden, then said he didn't mean it so it would become your fault. He says he's not good enough...there is another thread today where a guy said the same thing and basically it is because he feels guilty about something...but again, makes it your fault. When he said he's not good enough for you, he is implying that the issue is with you wanting too much, not him.

 

<SNIP>

 

Thank you for such a quick response. I’ve honestly never seen it like that, I genuinely thought that I expected too much of him and that’s why he wanted to leave. It’s so hard to accept that might be the case because he’s genuinely such a great guy and we were best friends for a year before we started dating.

 

It’s going to be hard seeing him around campus for the next 6 months considering we basically have the same schedule.

Edited January 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ChatroomHero]

It's hard to see it yourself when you are in the middle of it. But if he is really saying the things you said in your post, he is saying multiple times in multiple ways he doesn't see it lasting. That and the fact you have him rejecting you on a supposed mutual misunderstanding, someone devoted to you does not end it because you had a misunderstanding. They apologize and get through it.

 

 

You are young. Seeing him won't be easy, but man, think of the opportunity you have to find someone who truly is your best friend and truly does want to be with you. it's not going to happen overnight, but I promise you, it will happen and you will forget him.

[nolanola]

In my experience, when a man says "you're too good for me" or "I don't deserve you" BELIEVE IT. And also run away. This is a guy warning you that they're going to treat you like crap. They're basically giving you a warning, so that when they do treat you like crap and it hurts you, it's not their fault. After all, they told you who they are right up front.

 

I know the rejection stings badly right now. This never changes, no matter how old you get. But after some time goes by and he's out of your life, I think you'll be glad. You're going to meet lots of single guys at school. Enjoy that and let him be without you. He doesn't deserve you.

[corgis]

I accidentally posted this under the ‘dating’ category and I don’t know how to remove the post so I just copied and pasted it here.

 

I’ve recently just gotten back together with my boyfriend of 8 months after we fell out on this massive argument. But, we actually broke up because it was a long term issue where I would get upset at the tiniest things that he would do like being tired, texting a certain way, etc. and he told me that me constantly getting mad at him was making him feel like he wasn’t enough for me. I told him that I’ve been going to therapy and to give me another chance - I truly love this man. I want to be with him. He already forgave me for this once in November when this issue first came to light, and now in January I have genuinely gotten better, it was only this one massive argument where I snapped at him.

 

My problem is that I don’t know how to fix the mistakes I’ve made already. He already feels like he’s not good enough for me and because of that closed himself off from me. I just want to treat him right but I have these terrible anger issues that I’m working through, and I hope that he can see that I’m trying my hardest. I realize now that I’ve been toxic and I’m working towards being good for him. I also don’t even know why it was that particular argument that made us fall out, we’ve had arguments that were worse in the last few months because this time we actually had a valid reason to get mad at each other.

 

Basically my two questions narrow down to; how do I show my boyfriend that he’s more than good enough and that he makes me genuinely very, very happy? How do I control my emotions and stop myself from snapping at him for absolutely no reason?

 

Any advice on how to reconcile my relationship? I really want to be with this man for a long time so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

Questions regarding anger management would be best directed to your therapist, OP. What does he/she have to say about that?

 

Unless you get to the bottom of where your hair-trigger temper comes from, this likely won't get better. A lot anger is fear in disguise; what are you afraid of?

[Twizzlestick]

OP honest advice? Go to counselling, perhaps even together as that’s inclusive. It shows him you’re serious about these issues and it’s inclusive. Some have a hard time getting over the predjudice of counselling/involving someone else.

 

Challenges - getting him on board. Finding a good counsellor!

 

Talking about it you’ll be running in circles as we don’t know ourselves and we’re not that educated about such things. Took a good counsellor to help me unpiece why my rele went wrong and lose some of the collosal guilt I was burdened with.

 

You’re just back together. Nows not the time to piss about. Get on it. Communicate (effectively!!), listen, don’t talk in defence and WORK properly to sort these issues out together.

 

Peace

[elaine567]

He also said after graduating university this year, he knows the chances of us surviving are minuscule as we’ll no longer live in the same country and won’t for another few years.

 

 

^^^This is I guess the main problem, he is not all in and you are feeling insecure.

[corgis]

Questions regarding anger management would be best directed to your therapist, OP. What does he/she have to say about that?

 

Unless you get to the bottom of where your hair-trigger temper comes from, this likely won't get better. A lot anger is fear in disguise; what are you afraid of?

 

I honestly think my biggest fear in this relationship is losing my best friend. He was and is the person I'm most comfortable around and I just don't want to lose him. I can cope with losing my boyfriend even though I love him dearly, but not my best friend.

[corgis]

OP honest advice? Go to counselling, perhaps even together as that’s inclusive. It shows him you’re serious about these issues and it’s inclusive. Some have a hard time getting over the predjudice of counselling/involving someone else.

 

Challenges - getting him on board. Finding a good counsellor!

 

Talking about it you’ll be running in circles as we don’t know ourselves and we’re not that educated about such things. Took a good counsellor to help me unpiece why my rele went wrong and lose some of the collosal guilt I was burdened with.

 

You’re just back together. Nows not the time to piss about. Get on it. Communicate (effectively!!), listen, don’t talk in defence and WORK properly to sort these issues out together.

 

Peace

 

I really looked into this after you suggested it but I'm young and I don't think this is possible for me right now. Do you have any alternate suggestions that would be as effective? I live in a culture where even me going to therapy (even after being diagnosed with OCD) took a LONG time to convince my parents to let me go. It's also abnormal to move out and be "free" until I get married. Because of my International School education I've become quite westernised so I wouldn't see counselling as weird, but I don't think I could access it right now whilst under my parents roof.

[ExpatInItaly]

I honestly think my biggest fear in this relationship is losing my best friend. He was and is the person I'm most comfortable around and I just don't want to lose him. I can cope with losing my boyfriend even though I love him dearly, but not my best friend.

 

I can understand. Most, I think, would consider their partners among their best friends. Thus, when a relationship ends, it's very disorienting because someone who was such an important companion is gone too. You would be able to cope with it, it just wouldn't be easy or quick.

 

I noticed one of the reasons he's hesitating about the future is because after graduating, you won't be in the same countries. If he's right about that, I think that anger management for you is only part of the equation. The circumstances you two are facing are going to make it difficult for the relationship to survive. How far apart will you be then, geographically?

Edited January 30, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[corgis]

I can understand. Most, I think, would consider their partners among their best friends. Thus, when a relationship ends, it's very disorienting because someone who was such an important companion is gone too. You would be able to cope with it, it just wouldn't be easy or quick.

 

I noticed one of the reasons he's hesitating about the future is because after graduating, you won't be in the same countries. If he's right about that, I think that anger management for you is only part of the equation. The circumstances you two are facing are going to make it difficult for the relationship to survive. How far apart will you be then, geographically?

 

Honestly to me, even if we don’t last because of the distance I’d still regard this as some of the best time of my life so far. we’ll be quite far apart for a year, then if we’re still together I’d be very happy and willing to take the abroad course in his home country. Then, after that, I’ll be in England and he will be in Switzerland.

[corgis]

My boyfriend essentially told me that he’s losing interest in me after a massive argument we had. He said that it’s been a gradual decline, and so slow and subtle that not even he noticed it, and the fight just sped this up. I don’t really believe this - we were probably in the best place we’ve ever been in and we’ve been best friends for so long that I just know how he is. I felt like neither of us has ever been so happy before in this relationship before the fight happened.

 

I don’t know if the fight we had just destroyed his trust for me because I said things to him knowing it would hurt him and I really shouldn’t have done it. I think it caused him to bring up an emotional barrier and makes him distance himself from me. I just want to know how this our relationship has changed so fast. We went from still texting “good morning beautiful” and “i love you so much i can’t wait to see you again” and “you’re everything to me” to “i’m just not interested in this relationship anymore” in less than 12 hours. I even asked him if he’s using the fight as a way out and he denied that, saying that if he could make himself want to be in this relationship right now then he would.

 

He says despite all of this, he wants to make it work because he still loves me but he’s just not interested in me anymore. He wants to want me again. I don’t know how to take this or what this even necessarily means. So, he asked for some space for two weeks. This is going to be really awkward because we’re on a trip together with a group of friends next saturday, so the end of this break will overlap with the trip itself. I have a feeling he’s not going to come back because the last time we had a fight that was even close to this scale, he came to ask for a second chance because he missed me so much. Recently though, he was on a work trip thursday-sunday, we had the argument on saturday whilst on a call, and we haven’t really had a good, proper conversation since. I feel like he’s gotten used to not talking to me and so he’s not going to miss me and it’s making me really stressed out and panicked because all i want is for us to be together and okay again like they were literally saturday morning. (it’s Thursday now). We’re going NC for now until the 13th.

 

I just want things to go back to how they were but because of how he is he’s never really said anything out of anger that he completely didn’t mean. He doesn’t understand that I only said those things to him out of hurt of what I misunderstood and thought he was saying to me.

 

At this point, I’m kind of just rambling. Any advice would be good? I just want someone to hug and help me through this. It’s been super tough because I just love him so much. And I know the saying if you love them let them go. But if I can go anything to prevent that I really want to.

[Curiousroxy86]

He didn't change his mind in 12 hours

 

He probably been thinking about breaking up for awhile

 

Your love bias is really going to prevent you from seeing this as clearly as you should

 

When a boyfriend wants a break you should call their bluff and give him exactly that

 

If I were you I would say "I understand you need space and I respect that. You should take all the time you need. But I want to be with a boyfriend who is sure about me and not distant. So I think it would be fair for the both of us if we just breakup.

 

And I would no contact cold turkey and date other men

 

If he comes to his senses great reconcile

 

If not well you will find someone who wants to be with you

 

Win win

[corgis]

i recently broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months on tuesday (it’s currently friday). it was an amazing relationship and i don’t think i’ve ever been happier in my entire life than i have been while i was dating him. but eventually i realised we just couldn’t make it work and i was no longer happy because we both value and need different things. it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do.

 

ever since then, i’ve been having dreams about him where we get back together because we’ve broken up before and then we always got back together. we’ve broken up 3 times before this and got back together because of the same issue but before it was always him who called it off. this time, i called it off and i’m determined to keep it that way so please don’t try to convince me to text him. it’s really for the best.

 

i guess what i’m trying to say is that i can’t stop dreaming about him and it ruins my entire day. i literally wake up upset because i can’t stop thinking about him. my first thought in the morning is literally about him. it really really hurts and i just want to stop thinking of him.

 

it’s even harder because i wake up during the night and my first thought is always him so this happens multiple times a night. it’s really difficult because then it ruins the rest of my day. how can i stop these dreams or at least decrease the amount of times/intensity of it.

[divegrl]

Hi

 

Dreaming about your ex is pretty normal. Read around these forums and you will see that this is a very common experience.

 

The dreams are just your subconscious’ way of sorting stuff out.

 

I would highly recommend meditating at night. As your falling alseep get some headphones and listen them free on YouTube.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

[corgis]

my boyfriend and i recently broke up on tuesday (it’s sunday). i had a pretty tough time dealing with it at first but these past few days i’ve actually been feeling quite okay because it was a long time coming. i still can’t help but look at him and think ‘boyfrindd’ though, i’m trying to get myself out into the dating world again so i don’t have to think about him that way anymore. i feel like part of it is also that i miss the feeling of being absolutely in love with someone and having them love me back, but that’s a whole different thread altogether.

 

the thing is, my ex was my best friend before we started dating. but now, he treats me like a stranger. he barely acknowledges me and he refuses to be near me. he’s absolutely fine - he said himself that he was over me and feels nothing else for me whatsoever, i even asked him if he needed time and he said no. back when i was still in love with him i told him that i couldn’t be his friend for a while after breaking up because it would hurt too bad he begged to be friends again after a while and got really frustrated when he didn’t understand that we might not be okay in time for my graduation in june. so i don’t understand why we can’t go back to being friends? right now, i don’t miss him as my boyfriend very much but i miss him as my best friend.

 

how do i go about establishing this friendship with him? i want my best friend back and whilst the relationship was an amazing nine months which i will cherish and love forever, i just miss my best friend.

[Fair]

You don't.

 

Never be friends with an ex, especially immediately following a break up. Look it up on youtube, lots of information as to why this is a bad idea for YOU as the dumpee.

[Cersei]

Sorry but it's time to find a new best friend. This ship has sailed.

No point staying in contact with him.

[ExpatInItaly]

how do i go about establishing this friendship with him? i want my best friend back and whilst the relationship was an amazing nine months which i will cherish and love forever, i just miss my best friend.

 

You really shouldn't for a very long time, if at all. Don't even worry about it right now. Concentrate instead on accepting the break-up and healing.

 

You won't be ready to be his friend until you feel mostly indifferent about him meeting a new girl and falling in love with her.

 

The truth is that it's very rare for exes to remain best friends. Most drift apart, particularly when one or both move on to other people. You very likely won't be able to stay best friends with him.

[Maverick1983]

You really shouldn't for a very long time, if at all. Don't even worry about it right now. Concentrate instead on accepting the break-up and healing.

 

You won't be ready to be his friend until you feel mostly indifferent about him meeting a new girl and falling in love with her.

 

The truth is that it's very rare for exes to remain best friends. Most drift apart, particularly when one or both move on to other people. You very likely won't be able to stay best friends with him.

 

He wants the best of both worlds you deserve better than that. I would create some distance and if he really wants to be friends then he will understand that it's going to take you time. If he doesn't respect your decision then you don't need friends like that

[Redhead14]

You can't be best friends with someone who treats you like a stranger. He told you he feels nothing else for you whatsoever. Believe him. And, the more you try to get close to him again, the uglier things will get. He will likely start being mean if you push the friendship thing. And, I can almost guarantee that you will become the "crazy ex" if you don't just leave him alone. You need to accept that he is out of your life entirely.

[MetallicHue]

When someone is treating you like a stranger it’s best to move on. I think you’re just setting yourself up for trouble. Different situation but I lost a best friend this year and they just ignore me now. I miss them as a best friend but realized it’s not going to get me anywhere trying to pursue a friendship.

[Redhead14]

The guy doesn't want to be with you anymore PERIOD. He's a coward and just can't come and and say "I am breaking up with you" so he does this whole "one foot in, one foot out" thing. That's so unfair to you and is the reason you are anxious and stressed waiting for the shoe to drop.

 

 

Don't let him have that kind of power over you. He doesn't deserve it. Take the power back and tell him that you are moving on and that you want no contact from this point on and you stick to it. Block, Delete, Forget.