He slept with someone else 3 days after we broke up

[AnniePell]

I am sure this has been discussed at length here, but come at me. We started dating end of the summer. It was a slow start, as I was struggling with depression and just wasn't ready to get involved with anyone. I am a 39 female, he is 45 old male. We live in the city, so it's not uncommon to be this old and dating. We do not have any children between us or individually. We started dating seriously in October of last year, and then as stupid as that was I moved in with him.

 

It was too fast and things came to a head because the adjustment was steep. He is a stonewaller, which I consider a form of emotional abuse, he would get quiet and not talk and not touch me, etc.

I am a rather insecure person, so I couldn't deal with it and just leave him alone.

Anyway, long story short we end up breaking up and he pretty much throws me out or asks me to leave. So I do.

 

Fast forward a couple days, we start talking. I initiate everything, and I really try to understand what happened. I figure out I have abandonment issues, I apologize, I start working on them. He says he never threw me out and it's all in my head. I don't know what to think and I doubt my sanity. He says he never stonewalled me and that is all in my head also. I am confused and upset with myself mostly.

Anyway a couple more weeks go by and we start hooking up (we were broken up for about three full weeks). He seems super keen and like he breakup never happened.

 

Anyway, two nights ago, I find out he slept with someone he was dating before me, someone he was blowing off, when he was pursuing me. I feel terrible, of course, I haven't slept with anyone because I am in love with you. I can't believe he did this. At the same time I understand I can't be mad, since we were broken up.

 

Today I ask him about it and if he is going to keep seeing her and pursuing a relationship with her. He says he is trying to figure that out.

 

I cry my eyes out. I am out of town this week, and he is probably going to see her again. I tell him to please inform me if this is a regular thing, so I can move on.

I have a bad reaction and tell him maybe I should have sex with someone else also, so I can control my attachment.

 

He tells me that it is all no one's fault, but mine, and my jealousy and anger is at fault. I agree, yet it doesn't make it any easier. I feel powerless and sad.

Edited January 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RedOlive]

So he is emotionally abusive, he blame shifts and gaslights you. He is not capable of attachment and that’s why he so easily sleeps with another woman and then parades his possible continued relationship in front of you (classic triangulation). This is an extremely toxic relationship for you. Your gut was right. Besides moving together this quickly is a classic cluster B manipulation. Everything about your story (even without any further details) screams RUN. Run like your hair is on fire. It will be very difficult to get out and stay out of this disfunction, but you have to if you want to have any quality life after this. I’m sorry this has happened to you. This man is really bad news and it can get a lot worse.

[AnniePell]

So he is emotionally abusive, he blame shifts and gaslights you. He is not capable of attachment and that’s why he so easily sleeps with another woman and then parades his possible continued relationship in front of you (classic triangulation). This is an extremely toxic relationship for you. Your gut was right. Besides moving together this quickly is a classic cluster B manipulation. Everything about your story (even without any further details) screams RUN. Run like your hair is on fire. It will be very difficult to get out and stay out of this disfunction, but you have to if you want to have any quality life after this. I’m sorry this has happened to you. This man is really bad news and it can get a lot worse.

 

Crap, I knew you would say that. I knew deep down something was off, it's like I could never get a single break with that guy, like I was held to the highest standards with him. And this triangulation as you call it, a power thing, fo sure. As lonely and in love as I am I need to distance myself. Luckily I am out of town and this is a good opportunity to let this one go. My friends advised me a couple months ago to take a hike, and I didn't listen. My gut was right, but in the light of everything else happening, and the sex and the living together, it all got blurred. This sleeping with another came out of left field for me, and now triangulation, like you say, is the last drop. This is a break it moment for me and I need o recognize my feelings.

[nolanola]

I agree with RedOlive. You don't see it right now because you're emotionally hooked in and can't tell right from left. But this guy is not a good guy. He's manipulative and avoidant. You flat out gave him an opportunity to get back together with you and he says "he's trying to figure that out"?!?!?! Hell to the no.

 

I know how hard this is. I was in a really toxic relationship many years ago and it took me forever to get out of it. It nearly destroyed my self esteem and I still don't trust well. I stayed hooked in with my ex for years, please don't do that. Once I got away from my ex, it took probably a good 6 months before the fog cleared and I could see him for what he was. After that I was so happy he was gone. Just being able to exist in a world where I didn't have to worry about his reactions or what he meant, or being afraid of how he would react to what I said or did, was so freeing.

 

Hugs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Honestly? I think the best thing you can do is stop talking to him.

[AnniePell]

I agree with RedOlive. You don't see it right now because you're emotionally hooked in and can't tell right from left. But this guy is not a good guy. He's manipulative and avoidant. You flat out gave him an opportunity to get back together with you and he says "he's trying to figure that out"?!?!?! Hell to the no.

 

I know how hard this is. I was in a really toxic relationship many years ago and it took me forever to get out of it. It nearly destroyed my self esteem and I still don't trust well. I stayed hooked in with my ex for years, please don't do that. Once I got away from my ex, it took probably a good 6 months before the fog cleared and I could see him for what he was. After that I was so happy he was gone. Just being able to exist in a world where I didn't have to worry about his reactions or what he meant, or being afraid of how he would react to what I said or did, was so freeing.

 

Hugs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Honestly? I think the best thing you can do is stop talking to him.

 

Guys, it's so crazy how in the thick of it you just don't see the forest for the trees. Bu with you guys answers, I was really able to kind of snap out of it. Here I have my friends and you guys pointing out the obvious and I just didn't see it. I am feeling so much better having written in here. I do feel I was kind and generous to this man an I did not warrant any of this and that my "anger and jealousy" are a reaction rather than the cause of this whole mess. I do not have to carry the blame for this guy's choices. I always did right by this guy and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

[AnniePell]

I agree with RedOlive. You don't see it right now because you're emotionally hooked in and can't tell right from left. But this guy is not a good guy. He's manipulative and avoidant. You flat out gave him an opportunity to get back together with you and he says "he's trying to figure that out"?!?!?! Hell to the no.

 

I know how hard this is. I was in a really toxic relationship many years ago and it took me forever to get out of it. It nearly destroyed my self esteem and I still don't trust well. I stayed hooked in with my ex for years, please don't do that. Once I got away from my ex, it took probably a good 6 months before the fog cleared and I could see him for what he was. After that I was so happy he was gone. Just being able to exist in a world where I didn't have to worry about his reactions or what he meant, or being afraid of how he would react to what I said or did, was so freeing.

 

Hugs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Honestly? I think the best thing you can do is stop talking to him.

 

Also, it's not my first rodeo, so to speak. I've been with guys with narcissistic tendencies and I just can't believe that I just fell for it again. Now I have again wasted several months of my life.

[Arieswoman]

Annie,

Also, it's not my first rodeo, so to speak. I've been with guys with narcissistic tendencies and I just can't believe that I just fell for it again. Now I have again wasted several months of my life.

 

 

Be glad you didn't waste 7 years of your life like I did with a guy who could have been a clone of your man:rolleyes: I got the lot, stonewalling, sulking, put-downs, snide remarks and blame-shifting

 

 

 

Stay right away from this guy or he'll just suck you in and manipulate you again. Get some counselling from a practitioner who has experience of mentally abusive relationships. Work at rebuilding your self-esteem and gain self-knowledge so you can stop attracting these jerks.

 

 

Good luck x

[AnniePell]

Annie,

 

 

 

Be glad you didn't waste 7 years of your life like I did with a guy who could have been a clone of your man:rolleyes: I got the lot, stonewalling, sulking, put-downs, snide remarks and blame-shifting

 

 

 

Stay right away from this guy or he'll just suck you in and manipulate you again. Get some counselling from a practitioner who has experience of mentally abusive relationships. Work at rebuilding your self-esteem and gain self-knowledge so you can stop attracting these jerks.

 

 

Good luck x

 

Thanks! I am sorry to hear about your wasted years, and you are right, i only wasted a few months this time. There is definitely a silver lining. There was a lt of fighting in this relationship, I think that it meant that I wasn't going along with him and was fighting back. As taxing that was it lead to the eventual breakup and thank goodness.

[Ronni_W]

I've been with guys with narcissistic tendencies and I just can't believe that I just fell for it again. Now I have again wasted several months of my life.

Annie,

 

I'm sorry that you're going through all of it again. In my experience, it's going to keep happening until you resolve and overcome your 'abandonment' issues,

whether on your own or with help of a therapist.

 

How I see it, it's like we have an 'internal magnet' for the very people who will trigger and stir up and exacerbate our deepest issues to the very maximum...and,

every time it is an opportunity for us to heal from the inside out, so that we don't attract those same kinds of people again in the future.

 

It took me a long time to sort myself out -- which I am still doing -- so I know how tough it can be. Proper professional guidance was a Godsend for me.

 

Wishing you the very best.

[AnniePell]

Annie,

 

I'm sorry that you're going through all of it again. In my experience, it's going to keep happening until you resolve and overcome your 'abandonment' issues,

whether on your own or with help of a therapist.

 

How I see it, it's like we have an 'internal magnet' for the very people who will trigger and stir up and exacerbate our deepest issues to the very maximum...and,

every time it is an opportunity for us to heal from the inside out, so that we don't attract those same kinds of people again in the future.

 

It took me a long time to sort myself out -- which I am still doing -- so I know how tough it can be. Proper professional guidance was a Godsend for me.

 

Wishing you the very best.

 

You are so very wise! Thank you for writing here. I have been in therapy and worked on my own, but it seems like there is more work to do in personal growth. I slipped up again. The silver lining is that I got out of this faster than previous times, as in I wasn't going to have their terms and we were constantly fighting, whereas in the past I would have minimized my life, gained weight, gotten physically and mentally sick, but stayed in the relationship.

 

Right now I am out of the relationship and ven lost weight, and I am looking and feeling healthy, and I am working on my mental health with apps.

 

Thank you so much for talking and contributing, this is so helpful.

[Ronni_W]

The silver lining is that I got out of this faster than previous times,

:bunny: YEAH!!! And don't forget to also feel good about that fact that you're not beating up on yourself, or trying to minimize all your progress.

 

I know what you mean about 'seems to be more [inner] work to be done'...I've sort of reached the conclusion that it just is life-long learning, and I'll be doing it right up until the minute I transition. .

 

Anyway, just wanted to give you a 'thumbs up' for everything that you've accomplished, and to wish you continued success.

 

Ronni

[Wallysbears]

The single best thing you can do is to put yourself right before venturing into dating.

 

 

Like attracts like.

 

If you aren’t in a good place...you will find yourself with men who aren’t either.

[AnniePell]

The single best thing you can do is to put yourself right before venturing into dating.

 

 

Like attracts like.

 

If you aren’t in a good place...you will find yourself with men who aren’t either.

 

Thank you! To be honest, I don't think I have ever been in the so called good place to date, maybe once in my life, but that relationship didn't work out. Although, maybe I am mistaken, that man later became my very good friend for years.

[Highndry]

So he is emotionally abusive, he blame shifts and gaslights you. He is not capable of attachment and that’s why he so easily sleeps with another woman and then parades his possible continued relationship in front of you (classic triangulation). This is an extremely toxic relationship for you. Your gut was right. Besides moving together this quickly is a classic cluster B manipulation. Everything about your story (even without any further details) screams RUN. Run like your hair is on fire. It will be very difficult to get out and stay out of this disfunction, but you have to if you want to have any quality life after this. I’m sorry this has happened to you. This man is really bad news and it can get a lot worse.

 

 

Whoa, whoa, WHOAAAAAA a minute!!! We have but one side to the story here. Suppose the OP has something like BPD, which my ex had, and the whole "stonewalling," etc. IS in her head. My ex was gaslighting. She used to accuse me of stuff that never even happened, then reacted based upon her own fantasies. Just sayin'...

 

 

Now, I'm not accusing the OP of anything, I'm just saying there are two sides to every story and I'd like to hear his side on what happened.

Edited January 27, 2019 by Highndry

[AnniePell]

Whoa, whoa, WHOAAAAAA a minute!!! We have but one side to the story here. Suppose the OP has something like BPD, which my ex had, and the whole "stonewalling," etc. IS in her head. My ex was gaslighting. She used to accuse me of stuff that never even happened, then reacted based upon her own fantasies. Just sayin'...

 

 

Now, I'm not accusing the OP of anything, I'm just saying there are two sides to every story and I'd like to hear his side on what happened.

 

 

I don't disagree with you and thank you for posting. I am taking in his criticism of me all the time and trying to figure out what I could have done better, etc. I know a lot of it is my problem. I don't know why I feel like I have been knocked out and I don't know which end is up after this relationship. It may very well be that it is all in my head, but in that case where do I even begin? If I am so ****ed up in the head that I make up fantasy stonewalling scenarios, then where do I even begin to understand my issues. What if I am certifiable, and this entire time my life has been nothing, but a show. A mentally ill person passing for a normal.

[Highndry]

I don't disagree with you and thank you for posting. I am taking in his criticism of me all the time and trying to figure out what I could have done better, etc. I know a lot of it is my problem. I don't know why I feel like I have been knocked out and I don't know which end is up after this relationship. It may very well be that it is all in my head, but in that case where do I even begin? If I am so ****ed up in the head that I make up fantasy stonewalling scenarios, then where do I even begin to understand my issues. What if I am certifiable, and this entire time my life has been nothing, but a show. A mentally ill person passing for a normal.

 

 

Well, in that case, you would first start by talking everything out with a therapist.

 

 

My ex was hyper-vigilant, always waiting for the next shoe to drop and for me to break up with her, no matter how much I reassured her everything was fine. I could tell her "I love you" 6 days a week, but if I didn't say it the 7th day then she was ready to pack her bags and leave, because she just "knew" the end was near and rather than risk having to face that it was easier just to be done with it on her own terms. It was her fear of abandonment, which is a hallmark of this BPD crap that I never want to deal with again.

 

 

I could go on, but when you mentioned your abandonment issues and that you are an insecure person it is a MAJOR red flag in my book. Again, I am not accusing you of anything, I am just remembering the dynamics of my own relationship and how truly toxic that woman was.

[AnniePell]

Well, in that case, you would first start by talking everything out with a therapist.

 

 

My ex was hyper-vigilant, always waiting for the next shoe to drop and for me to break up with her, no matter how much I reassured her everything was fine. I could tell her "I love you" 6 days a week, but if I didn't say it the 7th day then she was ready to pack her bags and leave, because she just "knew" the end was near and rather than risk having to face that it was easier just to be done with it on her own terms. It was her fear of abandonment, which is a hallmark of this BPD crap that I never want to deal with again.

 

 

I could go on, but when you mentioned your abandonment issues and that you are an insecure person it is a MAJOR red flag in my book. Again, I am not accusing you of anything, I am just remembering the dynamics of my own relationship and how truly toxic that woman was.

 

Thank you for your message. I definitely do have traits of BPD, I worked some of it out in therapy, but with my therapist we agreed it wasn't BPD; apparently suicide attempt is one the biggest issues they hang this diagnosis on, and I never had a suicide attempt, and I worked out suicidal thoughts, I had any with a therapist. In other word, it had been many years since I had had any suicidal ideation. Either way, thank you for your help and I will continue working on my issues. I guess I will never know the truth in my situation, other than I think both of us had major issues. And had we stayed together, we would have not had this chance to really look at them. The chance I have now.

[Highndry]

Thank you for your message. I definitely do have traits of BPD, I worked some of it out in therapy, but with my therapist we agreed it wasn't BPD; apparently suicide attempt is one the biggest issues they hang this diagnosis on, and I never had a suicide attempt, and I worked out suicidal thoughts, I had any with a therapist. In other word, it had been many years since I had had any suicidal ideation. Either way, thank you for your help and I will continue working on my issues. I guess I will never know the truth in my situation, other than I think both of us had major issues. And had we stayed together, we would have not had this chance to really look at them. The chance I have now.

 

 

The thing about personality disorders is EVERYBODY has those traits, but the ones who are disordered have them to the extreme. Heck, your ex could have BPD - I don't know the guy from Adam.

 

 

 

I was just struck by how quickly everybody jumped on the guy when what jumped out to me was when you said you have "abandonment issues." Those are never healthy for a relationship, but it seems you're introspective which is a very good sign. My BPDexgf could never take a good, hard look at herself. She was so thin-skinned that she couldn't bear the thought of anything being her fault.

[AnniePell]

The thing about personality disorders is EVERYBODY has those traits, but the ones who are disordered have them to the extreme. Heck, your ex could have BPD - I don't know the guy from Adam.

 

 

 

I was just struck by how quickly everybody jumped on the guy when what jumped out to me was when you said you have "abandonment issues." Those are never healthy for a relationship, but it seems you're introspective which is a very good sign. My BPDexgf could never take a good, hard look at herself. She was so thin-skinned that she couldn't bear the thought of anything being her fault.

 

Thank you for your message. Yes, I knew a couple days of our breakup that my abandonment fears had kicked in and I tried to immediately remedy the situation, and we started talking about our issues. I have good awareness, but it is impaired if you really love someone, because then the fear of abandonment kicks in stronger. It's really messed up how that works unfortunately. Anyway, it was good to hear other people's perspectives here and that he may have been at fault also, up until the point of posting here, I was convinced that everything was my fault. Now the last couple days, I am starting to see it was a dynamic and I've felt much better.

[nolanola]

In general, if you are questioning whether or not someone is treating you well, that is not a good sign. We all have our issues that we bring into relationships (some extreme like personality disorders and some less extremes like inability to put the toilet seat down). However, I would advise you to listen to your gut. I very clearly remember googling "am I in an abusive relationship" because I was so confused by everything I couldn't figure out whether my ex was abusive or not.

 

Certainly therapy is a great idea, as is taking a clear view of what you brought into the situation. In my situation, my ex was an abusive man, but I had no boundaries and was co-dependent. So I wasn't helping. That doesn't excuse anything he did.

 

I think your confusion about the situation is a really clear warning. After you've had some distance from the situation, you'll probably be able to see things much more clearly.

[preraph]

Well, so he clams up instead of talking things out sometimes. But now for some reason he's communicating, though mostly to throw the blame on you.

 

You've moved out and should start dating. If you want to keep seeing him, you can, but don't waste a lot of time here. You have basic personality differences that make you incompatible. You know, there are so many people you can love but not live or make a life with....sad but true.

[AnniePell]

In general, if you are questioning whether or not someone is treating you well, that is not a good sign. We all have our issues that we bring into relationships (some extreme like personality disorders and some less extremes like inability to put the toilet seat down). However, I would advise you to listen to your gut. I very clearly remember googling "am I in an abusive relationship" because I was so confused by everything I couldn't figure out whether my ex was abusive or not.

 

Certainly therapy is a great idea, as is taking a clear view of what you brought into the situation. In my situation, my ex was an abusive man, but I had no boundaries and was co-dependent. So I wasn't helping. That doesn't excuse anything he did.

 

I think your confusion about the situation is a really clear warning. After you've had some distance from the situation, you'll probably be able to see things much more clearly.

 

Thank you for your message. I've had some distance from him the last few days, and it's easier to see what is what. I have talked to a number of friends and colleagues, and all my other relationships seem solid and pleasant, but the conversations with him are ending with him getting heated and me not getting a word in, and when I do it is the wrong words, and he ends up hanging up on me, etc. Just really unpleasant.

[AnniePell]

Well, so he clams up instead of talking things out sometimes. But now for some reason he's communicating, though mostly to throw the blame on you.

 

You've moved out and should start dating. If you want to keep seeing him, you can, but don't waste a lot of time here. You have basic personality differences that make you incompatible. You know, there are so many people you can love but not live or make a life with....sad but true.

 

I like how you put it, this really sums it up in a non-complicated way. I think I really let this relationship traumatize me, when it was really just another dating relationship that ended. It's not the end of the world. Thank you for your message!

[Fekenaws]

He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. You've essentially been downgraded to FWB status. Cut ALL ties with him and start to heal. There's no saving something like this, and if you were in a more clear state of mind you'd realize it's not worth saving to begin with.

[AnniePell]

He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. You've essentially been downgraded to FWB status. Cut ALL ties with him and start to heal. There's no saving something like this, and if you were in a more clear state of mind you'd realize it's not worth saving to begin with.

 

Thank you! This puts things in perspective. It's really good to see this outside point of view.