He slept with someone else 3 days after we broke up

[AnniePell]

I went back for one more abuse session, you guys, I didn't extrapolate myself like you all suggested. I still went and did a few favors for him, the sucker I am. He is now in a full fledged relationship with this other person, yet trying to maintain control of my life and feelings and supposedly still deciding, who he wants to be with. A lightbulb went off for me finally, what the hell am I still doing here. Therapy, here I come.

[imheretoday]

You are so very wise! Thank you for writing here. I have been in therapy and worked on my own, but it seems like there is more work to do in personal growth. I slipped up again. The silver lining is that I got out of this faster than previous times, as in I wasn't going to have their terms and we were constantly fighting, whereas in the past I would have minimized my life, gained weight, gotten physically and mentally sick, but stayed in the relationship.

 

Right now I am out of the relationship and ven lost weight, and I am looking and feeling healthy, and I am working on my mental health with apps.

 

Thank you so much for talking and contributing, this is so helpful.

 

AnniePell, me too have broken up with an abusive man last week after dating for 3 months (I started a thread on this), and I think he was a narcissist too or at least a toxic manipulative person.

 

Me too have been on therapy before because I did attract abusive closed off men in the past. Me too thought I was free of these patterns.

 

But to me, you know what's the difference?

 

In the past with other men my self-esteem was so bad that I would just accept crumbs of affection and attention, so I was attracting men who would do little effort and would suck my energy the best they could. I would give a lot and not have much in return.

 

I did my inner work and got to a point where I do not accept that in my life again.

 

So, why did I attract and accept this man now?

 

Because he was the complete opposite. This guy GAVE a LOT from the beginning. He love bombed me with affection and attention. Because I'm not used to it, I thought he was amazing and someone that is emotionally available.

 

I never knew that there is such a thing as "love bombing" and that it is a tactic to catch you. I did feel something was off with him and felt his conversations were never too deep and there was a lack of a deep connection.

 

But all the attention and the sex made everything feel blurred.

 

Long story short, we did fight a lot too because he went from love bombing to the same type of guys I used to have before: withdrawing, aloof, closed off, etc.

 

And I started to ask him what's happening, and voice my concerns and say out loud what I want (all things I wouldn't do in the past), and so the fights started.

 

He broke up with me last week after a fight and I blocked him from my phone and social media and can clearly see him for who he is.

 

So I guess in this case I have never ever before experienced a guy love bombing me. So, now I know better.

 

Like someone responded in my thread, both are two sides of the same emotional unavailability coin.

 

I want to find a healthy balanced person and have a happy relationship, and I think you are on the right path to finally get it too. Be grateful for the experience and move on.

Edited February 12, 2019 by imheretoday

[Lisa_Lisa]

Annie, therapy is good for introspection, but I'd also advice that you learn to love your own company. Remember to tell yourself everyday that you are deserving and worthy of love.

 

 

I suggest doing activities out of your comfort zone to get out of your head and your hurt. For instance, I am taking public speaking classes and comedy classes (way out of my comfort zone). I recently went to a Meet-Up group where they held salsa and bachata classes - I do this all on my own.

 

 

Men are everywhere and as long as you radiate good, positive energy from within men will surround you like bees to honey.

 

 

Your insecurities and abandonment issues can and will be dealt with, but don't let them take over your life and future relationships. A man cannot be responsible for your emotions and your past and everything you've been through. That is your own journey from which you must find healing.

 

 

Remember you are a beautiful, smart, secure woman who loves herself. Tell it to yourself every single day. Put it on a post-it in your bathroom so when you look at yourself in the mirror you repeat those words to yourself.

 

 

Do not let this man define how you feel as a human being.

[Orokotikki]

Now, I'm not accusing the OP of anything, I'm just saying there are two sides to every story and I'd like to hear his side on what happened.

Yeah but forum threads don't generally work that way.

Sometimes on SI both people post, but pretty much never here.