I think I'm in an abusive relationship and I don't know how to get out

[jessnicole]

I don't know where to begin with this. This is my first step in really trying to figure out what to do or how to do it. I'm stuck in a marriage that is changing me as a person. My husband is not a loving person, and doesnt care about my feelings or how much he repeatedly hurts me. He has a lot of issues that stem from his upbringing, and has told me he wants me to hurt as much as he does so then maybe we wouldn't argue as much. Who says something like this to the person they supposedly love? He negates everything I say, argues with me about how I should or shouldn't feel, and blames me for everything that is wrong in our marriage. We don't have an emotional or physical connection anymore. He shuts down when I try to talk to him and never wants to be intimate with me, unless it's on his terms, which is very seldom.

 

A part of me feels like I should stay with him because he can't help who he is due to the awful way he was raised, but then the other part of me realizes that he is slowly dragging me down with him. He's tried counseling, medication, you name it. But in his mind there is nothing wrong with what he does or says. So I strongly believe there will never be a change. Or at least I don't know how to get him there.

 

I just don't know where to go from here. Our lives are so entangled that I don't know where to begin. We both have children (none together) who have grown to love one another and form a bond, we are financially so entwined together that I know it would be impossible for me to afford the bills without him, and, there is the confusion going on inside of me....

Do I love him? Or is it because this is what I'm used to?

 

I would love to hear from others in the same situation as me. If you broke free, how? And if not, how are you staying without losing yourself? Because I can say, I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so lost in all of this and I feel like I'm drowning in my marriage.

[Wallysbears]

I don’t know enough about your relationship to say if this is abuse.

 

I lived a real life abusive relationship and have physical scars to prove it.

 

I stayed because *I* was in a mentally unhealthy place and was quite co-dependent at the time and thought I could “fix” him.

 

It took my neighbor literally calling the cops and saving my life one night for me to escape the cycle of abuse. And then a couple years of intensive therapy for ME to figure out ME before I was able to be a healthy relationship partner.

 

I would suggest starting with a therapist to address YOU.

 

We can’t control other people. Only ourselves. And if you tolerate abuse, then there is something in YOU that needs fixing (and please note, I’m not

Blaming you...I speak from first hand experience and know better, do better)

 

I’m here if you’d like to talk more. It’s not an easy path but it can be done and life can be amazing.

[Rayce]

Start with researching domestic violence services in your area. Get in contact with someone from there and they will be able to help you.

[Wallysbears]

Yes. Great point.

 

Contact your local police and ask about domestic violence services.

 

The shelters and counselors and such are not broadly advertised for safety reasons of those seeking services, but local police will usually have a number where you can get in touch with them.

[Arieswoman]

Jess,

I don't know what country you are in but I would take advice from a solicitor/attorney.

 

 

Here in UK you can get a half-hour consulation for free just to give you an idea about what your rights are.

 

 

If you stay in the situation you describe, you will become so emotionally ground down that you'll be no use to either yourself or your kids.

 

 

Abuse is very subtle, it comes on gradually - it's the 'frog in boiling water' scenario.

 

Please takes steps to get out of this destructive marriage.

 

 

Good luck x

[anika99]

Very much agree with Wallysbears. Your husband has tried medication and therapy to try to get himself sorted. It's not working and maybe it will never work but he has to find his own road to happiness and it sounds like he has explored a couple of paths.

 

You also need to take responsibility for your own life and happiness. Trying to fix someone else or waiting for them to change so you can be happy is a huge waste of your time. Sounds like your focus has been on fixing him when you should be focused on yourself. Get your own therapy, find resources that can help you figure out your options. If you leave your marriage then don't get involved with anyone new until you are strong emotionally and financially. You have work to do so stop looking to your husband and instead get out there and take control of your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Contact your local police and ask about domestic violence services.

 

Start with researching domestic violence services in your area. Get in contact with someone from there and they will be able to help you.

 

Boy, I don't get any sense the OP feels she's in physical danger so this seems extreme to me. She can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

A part of me feels like I should stay with him because he can't help who he is due to the awful way he was raised

 

Not true, many have done much more with their lives starting with much less. However, only he can rise above his family issues, not something you can want for him or cause him to accomplish.

 

My real concern is for your kids and the time they spend with you. If the atmosphere is as toxic as you describe, you have a parental responsibility to get them to an emotionally healthier space.

 

Do you have friends or family you can stay with while you figure things out?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wallysbears]

Boy, I don't get any sense the OP feels she's in physical danger so this seems extreme to me. She can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

 

 

Not true, many have done much more with their lives starting with much less. However, only he can rise above his family issues, not something you can want for him or cause him to accomplish.

 

My real concern is for your kids and the time they spend with you. If the atmosphere is as toxic as you describe, you have a parental responsibility to get them to an emotionally healthier space.

 

Do you have friends or family you can stay with while you figure things out?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I was NOT saying to have him arrested or involve police.

 

Domestic violence shelters and staff have a full arsenal of free or no cost programs at their disposal to help people. Resources that may be out of the reach of individuals normally.

 

That is why I suggested contacting them.

[Mr. Lucky]

Domestic violence shelters and staff have a full arsenal of free or no cost programs at their disposal to help people. Resources that may be out of the reach of individuals normally.

 

That is why I suggested contacting them.

 

If every person in an unhappy marriage utilized the services of domestic violence shelters, they'd be unable to help those individuals in dire need of the programs they offer.

 

The OP's ability to move forward will be based on her ability to take responsibility for her own situation. The logistical, financial and emotional obstacles she describes are the same faced by many who separate and divorce.

 

She might get valuable feedback from a local meeting of a divorce support group near her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I don't see domestic violence in here so leave the police out of this or you could get in trouble for filing a wrongful report. Misusing the police is a crime.

 

 

Your husband is a broken person who is emotionally hurting. He has said as much. Rather than trying to heal, he has decided to inflict pain on you. That is a sick twisted solution, one that you cannot accept.

 

 

I'd speak to a lawyer. I'd get a or a 2nd job. Make a budget. Figure out how to be able to pay your own bills. Do you get child support from your kids' bio dads? Then leave if this relationship isn't working for you & your husband refuses to work toward making think better

[jessnicole]

Thank you all for the great advice. I am not in any physical danger. I should have clarified by abusive...emotionally/mentally abusive rather than physically abusive.

I know what I need to do. A local support group sounds like a great idea, we just don't have those around here. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everything, so those groups don't exist around here unfortunately.

I'm going to look into some counseling. I know I need to take action for myself and my kids.

Thanks again for all the words of advice.

[The Dude Abides]

OP,

 

My small bit of input here at LS would advise that you do what you need ASAP to either get away from this man or, if possible, work with him to make real, immediate changes to the way he treats you, I know, that is easier said than done, but it should be mentioned anyway.

 

I am only now dealing with emotional issues that stem from the wide range of abuse that I received in my first marriage. Just about anything that you can read here at LS happened me. I have lived for nearly 30 years with all of this stuffed down deep inside until finally I couldn’t take it any longer. Thank God I have a wonderful, supportive wife and access to some professional help. I can now see how things would have worked out differently for me if I had addressed some of these issues long ago rather than wrapping them up so tightly and burying them inside the deep recesses of my emotional warehouse.

 

I am very pleased to hear that you’re not in any physical danger. But I can tell you that having been hit repeatedly by my first wife that physical abuse is the least of the issues that bother me. It is the other stuff that still keeps me awake at night and suffering through massive bouts of crippling anxiety.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, you’re in an abusive relationship. I’d recommend reading the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. Just don’t let your husband see the book - it’ll piss him off.

 

Do whatever you can to start establishing a new life for yourself. It’s great that you don’t have children with him but sad that the step-siblings are close. Maybe that can be worked out down the road. But one thing at a time. You need to get out of this situation. Your husband is unfixable. You may want to talk to an attorney about your options, even if you have to call one outside your small town. You may feel pinned in but you can get out. You’re never going to adapt to living with abuse.

[Turning point]

With respect to feeling lost, heavily intertwined, and drowning, I will offer you this analogy that helped me. Intertwined is the thing you want to address first because you can't see things clearly until you declutter.

 

Mentally or physically we have to consciously do this the same way we clean a closet. Often we have to do this physically (start cleaning actual closets) to jump start us mentally but, one follows the other so start with what works for you.

 

Take one small thing at a time (mental, physical, emotional, financial) and decide if it deserves the space it takes up in your life.

 

That broken picture frame I was going to glue back together? It's been in the closet for 4 years. Whatever the reason I had for holding onto it is incompatible with my true self because if it was important to me I would have fixed it by now. This is the kind of instant and certain decision process I want to activate in my life.

 

Our emotional closet is much the same. A belief, fear, rule, value, boundary, ethic, object, or connection may be equally false or broken and not deserve the space it holds in our lives.

 

This is why we are drowning because, we falsely "connect" ourselves emotionally the same way stuff our homes and closets with useless material goods and "stuff" that is incompatible with how we really want to live.

 

For me, physically doing this (cleaning an actual closet) is what helps me to jump start the process emotionally. Our mental power flows from our physical state. Getting out of bed is monumentally more powerful than thinking about it between taps on the snooze button.

 

Clean the kitchen if you have too - but, develop this process of pulling out one item at a time, examining it, and making an instant but certain decision about whether it deserves the space it takes up in your life. This is how you fix the problem of being intertwined physically, financially, and emotionally.

Edited January 30, 2019 by Turning point

[stillafool]

You say he has been to therapy and counseling but have you two been to Marriage counseling together?

[Ellie B.]

I'm not a therapist, but this relationship sounds definitely toxic, and if he thinks there's nothing wrong with him I suspect narcissistic tendencies (lack of empathy, lack of desire to change, etc.) Narcissists are usually created as a result of a bad childhood, so that checks out, too. I grew up with a family member like this and it was very damaging and took a long time for me to get over it and find my own self worth again. You should check out some YouTube videos on narcissists to see if it explains your husband.

 

I definitely relate to that sympathy that it's not their fault, but at the same time, these people never really change. So this really boils down to what kind of life and relationship you want for yourself and the kids.

 

If a big obstacle is feeling overwhelmed by how intertwined your lives are, I think you could read through stories of people separating out of complicated relationships. Once you see more and more that it's possible, what kinds of obstacles you might encounter, you can begin to strategize in your mind what your journey may look like and prepare. Maybe see a divorce lawyer for a preliminary consultation - just getting advice doesn't require any commitment.

 

I wish you all the best and remember that you deserve happiness and love and security.

[Rayce]

Just because someone suggest researching domestic violence services does not mean they are saying call the police. Domestic violence services are for all types of abuse including emotional. The title of her thread states she in in an abusive relationship and doesn't know how to get out. She can research online and find lots of information. I was just providing a suggestion.

[Turning point]

I should have clarified by abusive...emotionally/mentally abusive rather than physically abusive.

 

I know what I need to do.

I'm going to look into some counseling. I know I need to take action for myself and my kids.

 

Individual counseling for you is an excellent plan. Sometimes it's necessary shop around a bit for the right counselor so, if necessary stay with your intention even if you don't stay with a particular provider.

 

My experience being married to a toxic or disordered person is that their most negative traits amplify even what small bit of those traits we have in ourselves. I don't think we lose our identity but it shifts and adapts in response to the connections we have with who and what surrounds us. Feeling that we're becoming a person we don't want to be is a clue to how toxic our present connections may be.

[jessnicole]

Yes, we've tried marriage counseling. We did it a few times, then he said he didn't want to go anymore because "nobody else will be able to fix our problems".

[preraph]

Well, the first step is for you to start working as much as possible and saving your money. Don't let him take it or use or anything. Work and save and get a career going, and then go to an attorney and get a divorce. Since you have grown kids, you can work two jobs. It takes two jobs to get by a lot of time, just one full-time and one maybe 15-20 hours a week on your nights or days off and that extra job helps.

 

I am assuming he has already rejected himself going into psychological counseling to improve himself?

[jessnicole]

Ellie B, I've actually done a little bit of research on narcissism and from what I've read, he definitely has a lot of those traits. Unfortunately, I'm pretty convinced that people like that tend to always be like that, no matter what. I feel like I give and give and give, and get nothing in return. I have given so much of myself to him to try to make him happy, and it's never enough. I know I'm to blame for allowing this to happen for so long. It's just so very hard to break away from something that I've invested so much of my time and heart into.

I will say, this is the first forum I've ever been a part of though, and the advice that's been given to me has been very helpful. It makes me feel like there is possibly an end in sight. That as scary as it is, other people have gone through it and come out on the other side a better person. So I can't say enough, truly thank you to everyone for the advice. I can't explain how much it's really helping me.

[bathtub-row]

Read the book I suggested. It’s very powerful.

[Turning point]

Yes, we've tried marriage counseling. We did it a few times, then he said he didn't want to go anymore because "nobody else will be able to fix our problems".

 

If his narcissism is indeed an issue then those words tell us a lot:

 

"Our problems"

He has enjoined you to a problem you must solve, a soul to be rescued.

 

"Nobody else"

This is all on you Super Girl. Go ahead, make my day..

 

"Will be able"

He won't allow it. Notice he didn't "can" because, we all know there is a world full of people who "can" solve problems but, he has "willed" this one to persist.

 

He needs these "problems" to control you. It's working really well, too. It's all about him and you nearly feel helpless. What a perfect perpetual cycle he's got going.

 

Consider him more like "lights on - not home" and detach a bit. Try to change your perspective to see this as a problem for him.

 

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Wayne Dyer

 

I'm not really into new age stuff but, Dr. Dyer was simply making an observation about how action and perception each have a momentum than influences the other.

 

Smile at yourself in the mirror each day. Compliment and admire yourself for being so together, even if just by comparison. The more kindness, care, and basic gratitude you extend to yourself right now - the more clearly you'll start to see his manipulation and victim game. The more power and conviction you'll have for change.

Edited January 31, 2019 by Turning point