Feeling left out by partners family

[Lovepride]

Hi, I have never done anything like this before but I basically need an outsiders view to see if I’m just being super sensitive... I am in a same sex relationship and have been with my girlfriend for 4 years.She is very close to her family and her children and I sometimes feel I’m just not good enough to be classed as family to her family.

 

We don’t live together yet as my partner feels her two youngest children are too young to understand a same sex relationship, the two older children (well adults) know and have excepted me as their mums girlfriend and we get on great. I completely understand and respect my girlfriends view on this and I am happy to wait for when the children are old enough for when we do move in together. we spend every other weekend together at my apartment when the younger children stay with their dad, which works for now as we do get to spend quality time together on that weekend.

 

But I feel her mom, dad and sisters don’t see us as ‘serious’ or ‘as important’ as everyone else. For example a family holiday got booked and everyone was invited but me, as in her mom and husband, dad and new wife, sisters and their partners and children all went as well as my girlfriends children and I thought maybe i wasn’t asked to go as the younger children wouldn’t understand why ‘mommy’s friend’ was going on a family holiday so I let it go, as I do when it comes to the holidays and everyone meets up for christmas with partners/children and I never get asked to go so I spend it with my mom and me and my girlfriend spend the evening together when the younger children go to their dads which is fine, But other minor things, like my girlfriends dad only inviting my girlfriend out for drinks or her mom asking her to stay over for a weekend, yet when my girlfriends sisters get invited their partners also go along.

 

I’m starting to feel very upset by it all now and feel maybe they just don’t like me? every time I talk to my girlfriend she says I’m being sensitive and I’m looking too much into it and that it won’t always be like this, as in when we do finally live together we would be classed as a couple and she feels this is the reasoning for her family are being like this because they know the situation we are in and it’s difficult because of the younger children. I am trying so hard to not let things bother me but recently it was my girlfriends birthday and her family arranged for a family meal, no invite for me and my girlfriend said it was just a family thing so not to get upset as was literally going to be her mom, dad sisters and my girlfriends older children going so I thought fair enough.

 

But on the night my girlfriend was texting me and told me that her mom and dad and sisters partners were in fact all there and her older children even took a friend each along aswell. So I felt completely pushed out and it wasn’t even because of the younger children as they were at their dads that night. I would of understood a lot more if it was another family members birthday as it would be their choice who they invited but I know that if it was anyone else that their partner wouldn’t be left out, they would automatically be included, it was the fact that it was my girlfriends birthday that it hurt more as to why I wasn’t going along.

 

The final nail in the coffin for me was my girlfriends sisters wedding.. the invites went out and my girlfriends arrived with only her name and the older children (the younger children are not going as it’s mid week and will be at school) and surprise surprise everyone else’s partner has been invited just not me. I don’t know what to say and to who or wether best to not say anything if I’m just overreacting? I don’t understand because when my girlfriend goes to her family on her own will for a visit etc she will take me along and I get on well with all of her family, they make me feel welcome it’s just when it’s anything that is ‘family’ that I’m left out of which wouldn’t be an issue if all other partners were also not there but it’s just me.

 

Am I being paranoid/sensitive/overreacting/overthinking? I don’t want to go to my girlfriend again with this til I have some advice from an outsiders point of view. I have spoken to my friends/family but I don’t know if they are just being biased? They also include my girlfriend with everything and actually see us as a two/partnership etc so can’t understand why her family are like this towards me? So I need u guys to help me with what I should do? I love this girl with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her and to be a a apart of hers and her children’s life (I love them dearly!)

 

so am I being silly letting this affect me? After all I am in a relationship with her, not her family. Please help

Edited January 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Are her sisters married or engaged? Or is this their casual boyfriends that are being invited? Realize that parents often do not recognize a relationship until it's official as far as vacations and holidays. And that is really up to your partner to mandate and deal with with her family. I don't think you should start asking her about it. I think you should see if she ever takes care of this on her own and makes them realize you're serious in her life. You are only seeing each other intermittently, though.

 

And she herself has not incorporated you into even HER household, so I'm sure she isn't in a hurry for her parents to jump on board. This is likely more about the kids than anything. I honestly think it's a little odd she thinks kids are too young to accept a same sex relationship. They don't have to know anything much. It's really not a lot different from women who bring their dates over and say "my friend" and don't sit there making out in front of them. Young kids don't know enough to "not understand," so I do think it's silly not to let you around them, but that is her call, and this isn't her family's issue you have, it's her issue. She may have pressure from the family about the kids or something, though. Still, it's up to her to handle all this.

 

I don't think you should bring it up, but after four years, it's like any other relationship, it's fair to ask when she's going to put a ring on it. Or maybe she's waiting for you to. You don't want to waste a lot of time with someone who isn't moving toward a life together.

[elaine567]

You don't want to waste a lot of time with someone who isn't moving toward a life together.

 

 

True.

 

Lovepride

You seem to be very accepting of things that are making YOU unhappy, whilst everyone else is having a great life...

The trouble for you is, why would they ever need to change things? They are quite happy.

They may never accept you

 

After 4 years you need to see some progress here.

[basil67]

No you're not over reacting. And preraph is correct - when your girlfriend hasn't incorporated you properly into her life, it makes sense that the rest of the family won't either.

 

Also, I don't buy the thing about the kids being too young to understand. If they are really young, they won't question it. If they are a little older, they can have a conversation. It's really just a lesson in diversity really.

[Lovepride]

Hi thank u all for replying it means a lot for your opinions and to see it from someone elseÂ’s view who doesnÂ’t know me or my girlfriend. What u have all said makes sense and I now think that it isnÂ’t her family and that it is because she doesnÂ’t let me in fully so I suppose they donÂ’t feel they have to either? And I also agree that some progress needs to happen... I did propose to her after a year of us being together and she said yes, she was so excited was sending pictures to her family of the ring and all of them were so happy for us etc, but then a few days later my girlfriend sat me down and said she has been thinking about it and feels it is too soon (obviously I was gutted and felt a fool, deflated even) but that in the future it will happen. She feels without the children knowing about us being a couple it didnÂ’t feel right. At the time they were 4 and 6 and one thing I forgot to mention is she is technically still married to their dad although they have been seperated since the youngest was born. He knows about me as she had to tell him as he has always tried to get her back. He doesnÂ’t now I think heÂ’s finally accepted that sheÂ’s moved on. My girlfriend wonÂ’t divorce him yet tho as she doesnÂ’t want to break her little girls heart, she has a photo of her mom and dad on their wedding day that she keeps and asks her mom why she isnÂ’t on the picture but her brother is (she wasnÂ’t born when they got married lol) and sheÂ’s at the stage of asking why her dad doesnÂ’t live with them. I have said to my girlfriend that now they are asking questions (they are now 8 and 10) maybe the time is coming to explain about us but she said not yet. We speak all the time about our future and she always seems so positive about it, saying things like when we live together etc and tbh it keeps me going, IÂ’m looking forward to it very much but writing everything down now feels so strange and IÂ’m starting to now feel that it may never happen? My friends have said this to me all along that it sounds she is making excuses, but to me she is the kindest sweetest person I have ever met and we just click, I fell for her instantly. She always tells me how much she loves me and the feeling is more than mutual, I adore her! What do u think? Sorry for the long reply I got carried away, this is like therapy and I had no clue that IÂ’d be spilling my guts to complete strangers lol