How should I respond?

[nospam99]

@nospam99 You can look me up on zoosk… just drop the Ms lol...

 

I haven't been on zoosk for over a year so I don't remember how it worked the last time. Just logged on now and I can't find a way to search by name. BTW, match.com turned off search by name yesterday. I got into their 'live chat with support person' page and 'tore them a new one'. Back to zoosk, the search dialog I have access to requires me to search by location and age and gives me back a swipable list.

[Rayce]

I have spent all morning doing the "recover password" option and checking my email settings but everything on my end is ok. I tried a different browsers and my phone, I tried disabling my VPN settings like their forum suggested. My email to customer service went through. I got a canned reply from them but it was no help. It's crazy! The cosmos forces are against me. and now I am snowed in. I am going to print out my registration and snail mail them a letter. I guess that will keep me busy for a bit typing it all out.

[nospam99]

You can do a Username Search (or at least I can) from the POF Sign In page. Your supposed username does not show up there either. Have you tried logging in with your email address instead of your username?

[Rayce]

Yes I did try to log in with both my user name and my email address. I even tried my alt address that isn't associated with it. I know when I signed up I used the right email address because I now have 4 emails from them: my registration, relationships needs assessment, chemistry results and now a customer service canned email.

[nospam99]

Yes I did try to log in with both my user name and my email address. I even tried my alt address that isn't associated with it. I know when I signed up I used the right email address because I now have 4 emails from them: my registration, relationships needs assessment, chemistry results and now a customer service canned email.

 

Sadly, my experience is that POF 'customer service' is useless. I would be very surprised if they respond to snail mail. I believe they have people. But from what I've observed the only thing those people do is delete the numerous spam, phishing, catfishing, and phone-sex-marketing accounts that very frequently appear. (Though as a 'dirty old man', I truly enjoy the photos the phone sex accounts use .) Because I have had (limited) success making contacts on POF, I think having an account has value. I repeat my previous suggestion to get another account. You wouldn't be the first person to do so. Understandably you probably wouldn't want to invest a lot of time in taking the tests (again) or tailoring the profile until you were comfortable that you weren't going to lose access to the account again.

[Rayce]

lol... I got a reply from POF... below is what they said:

 

For the safety of our users, we have an automated system in place which flags suspicious activity on POF. Regrettably, your account was mistakenly flagged by this system, and deleted. We apologize for the inconvenience.

 

We have reviewed your account, and you will be able to sign up for a new account successfully. Please wait 2-3 hours before trying to create a new account - our system needs time to ensure you do not get flagged again.

 

We appreciate your patronage, and hope you register a new account with Plentyoffish.

[nospam99]

For the safety of our users, we have an automated system in place which flags suspicious activity on POF. Regrettably, your account was mistakenly flagged by this system, and deleted. We apologize for the inconvenience.

 

We have reviewed your account, and you will be able to sign up for a new account successfully. Please wait 2-3 hours before trying to create a new account - our system needs time to ensure you do not get flagged again.

 

We appreciate your patronage, and hope you register a new account with Plentyoffish.

 

I bolded the best parts. ROTFLMAO! Suspicious? Their 'automated' i.e. computer program DECIDED that you were marketing phone sex. You naughty girl! Bets on whether the message is also automated? Are you going to try again?

[nospam99]

We appreciate your patronage, and hope you register a new account with Plentyoffish.

 

Sometimes OLD itself is just as 'difficult' as meeting and dating.

 

I've shared this story on LS before but there is enough activity here that things get buried in the past. It's one month into my 'new dating life', early November '18. I've tried ourtime (seniors) and POF and OKCupid (free). I see somewhere that match.com, although not free, is good. So I get an account and quickly get a positive response from what appears to be a good match (a story to repost another time). I'm also being pretty 'free' at my messaging behavior: sending messages that are purely flirts AND sending ''don't bull**** me'' messages to (VERY) apparent scammers. Suddenly match.com kills my account. I open a case with support. They send back what is apparently their canned response about how they decided there was something wrong with me and they won't say what it is without a subpoena. I panic - what will that good match think when she tries to contact me? Have I lost out on a 'one'? So I very carefully set up a new account with different handle, different email, and different credit card. I change my behavior to be more 'reserved' about the frequency and content of my messaging. Outcome: I reestablish contact with the first woman (we eventually meet, date briefly, and she ghosts months later) and have met most of my subsequent meets there.

 

Lessons learned?

- the sites are in it only for the money

- they have some kind of black-box process to identify accounts they want to get rid of

- be careful about crossing some kind of crook/creep filter

- (most important) because of the above, getting and keeping a OLD account is a high percentage online game played, most likely, against an 'artificial intelligence'. You have to play and win to get and stay on. It's not that difficult to win. But faced with the obstruction, it's worth the effort to overcome.

[weysally]

So I've been a member on Zoosk for a couple of years now without any luck. Most of the time the guys that contact me are just sending me hearts or flowers or canned questions. I never respond to these. If they send me an actual message then I will actually respond. So this week I have one on the hook that is sending me actual messages that didn't get very far and now he is at canned questions. The fact that it is taking days to just get a few things said...drives me crazy! ugg... I am looking for a conversation that I want him to start. Below is a transcript of messages so far.

 

Sent 1/18

Him: I'm looking for a serious relationship. If you're interested let me know.

 

Didn't see till 1/25 when I replied

Day 1

Me: Hi my name is ….. What's yours?

 

Day 2

Him: I'm …, nice to meet you.

 

Day 3

Him: Good morning what are you up to on Sunday?

Me: Hi …, Nice to meet you too. So Sunday's I usually go to the gym and workout... then I just hand out at home.

Him: nice, how do you spend your free time relaxing?

 

---------------

So I want to answer but not the question. I want to have a conversation with the guy not be bombarded with a bunch of questions. What would be a tactful way of saying that?

 

tks!

Hi, I'm like you I want to chat about things and all I get back is one line questions, mostly can I have a nude pic, or can I send you a pic,

Sally

[JuneL]

nospam99: Perhaps you got reported by those who had received your “unfriendly” messages?

[nospam99]

nospam99: Perhaps you got reported by those who had received your “unfriendly” messages?

 

Certainly possible. OLD can be a 'dirty' business, especially as providing easy pickings for less-than-scrupulous agents. I think it pays to learn 'the game'.

[JuneL]

Certainly possible. OLD can be a 'dirty' business, especially as providing easy pickings for less-than-scrupulous agents. I think it pays to learn 'the game'.

 

It’s easy money for them for sure. I paid a 6-month subscription, but had used for like 3 weeks only.

[Rayce]

lol... It would be nice to know why I was rejected. I am not sure if I will create another profile on POF. I spent a lot of time just creating the first one. I would rather meet someone in real life but that is just not happening. It seems the only way anyone is getting dates is off the internet in one way or another. I thinking of doing another paid subscription for a few months. Sure would be nice to hang out with someone while I wasn't working.

 

It’s easy money for them for sure. I paid a 6-month subscription, but had used for like 3 weeks only.

How come you only used it for a few weeks?

 

Hi, I'm like you I want to chat about things and all I get back is one line questions, mostly can I have a nude pic, or can I send you a pic,

Sally

I admit I could of been a little bit more chatty right out of the gate. It's been a few years since I did any OLD and I've had some really bad experiences with being catfished that I tend to shut down when it comes to texting. Maybe I can learn how to steer the canned questions toward topics that would be easier to chat up.

[Rayce]

So I got two more guys on the hook. One just sent a heart and the other sent an actual message.

 

guy #1 - he sent an actual message asking me out for a date!

Him: xx is not to far

Join me for dinner sometime soon?

There is a xx near by yes?

Or a Dive bar for a drink. Don't worry I will protect you

 

In looking at his profile he is older than I usually like and we have some things in common so I am going to at least take him up on the dinner date. Now... I before I respond I want to try and make sure I am not as boring as I was the last time around.

 

guy #2 - he sent just a heart. Normally I wouldn't even bother with the guy that just sent the heart but I want to change my behavior. From my inbox to his profile I was thinking I am going respond back with a canned question but after reading his profile I am going to pass. He says he is an ex househusband of 28 years. Does that mean he doesn't work? lol I could ask him that?

[Rayce]

Ok I have a date set up for Wednesday evening with guy #1.

[alphamale]

Ok I have a date set up for Wednesday evening with guy #1.

 

cool, we'll want a play-by-play

[Rayce]

I just got home from my date and this is how it went.

 

Although the guy was a lot older than I have ever date he was funny and made me laugh. I felt no chemistry.... but we did have lots in common and I did enjoy chatting with him and having a couple of beers... but then he flaked out on the dinner and I had to walk home in the snow hungry. When I get home and he sends me a text saying how much he liked me and how he hopes he can see me again... then he ends asking me if I would be interested in doing some cocaine with him and that he thinks we could have some good times together. Yeah right... I don't think so! I replied back that I divorced my ex husband because he was addicted to cocaine it was not my cup of tea...sorry... good luck! I then blocked him.

 

Other Red Flags:

 

He actually told me that he drinks while driving. ok...

 

next

Edited February 14, 2019 by Rayce

[Rayce]

This guy sent me a heart. Way younger that I have ever dated. lol... I would think that I am being catfished but it says his number and photos all check out. Profile says very little except that he is shy, hard working with few friends and would do anything to make us both happy.

 

Should I message him? How do you talk to a shy guy?

[GraceAndJoy]

Oh gosh Rayce, that last date sounded like a real winner . When you say he was older and the next one is younger, what ages are we talking about? I don't think we even know your age (range).

 

To talk to a shy guy, find out what interests him! Does his profile list any of his hobbies or interests? Or what he does for a living? Act like those are the most fascinating things ever and ask him questions about them. Be sure to throw in a little about how that relates to your life too (like "I've never .... but I have .... do you think I'd be good at ....?")

 

If you are concerned the younger guy is a scammer, try to find out things that would indicate he's not really living in your area. Ask him a question that only a local would know. See if his answer seems superficial or canned.

[GraceAndJoy]

I should add this: every time I see some phrase like "I would do anything to make us both happy" it ends up being a catfisher. Real people would not write that! Would you?? At best, a healthy person who is real would write, "I believe reciprocal good treatment is the key to a good relationship" or something like that.

[Rayce]

I should add this: every time I see some phrase like "I would do anything to make us both happy" it ends up being a catfisher. Real people would not write that! Would you?? At best, a healthy person who is real would write, "I believe reciprocal good treatment is the key to a good relationship" or something like that.

 

I really liked how you defined what a healthy person would write vs a catfisher. I agree I think its a catfish and even if he weren't it is too young. I would not be comfortable at all. This guy is more my son's age group so catfish comes to mind. I am 57 and my range is set at 10 years (-/+). All the guys I have ever dated were usually within (5-/+) range so the guy isn't even close to my age group. The date from last night though... he was 64. Hard to believe that at his age is still doing drugs like that. It never even occurred to me that I should be maybe screening for this type of behavior. I will be going forward.

 

I will just keep fishing. I do attracted a lot of catfish and some sharks. I'm looking for maybe a tuna or dolphin or angelfish or something like that no guppies.

[timonx]

I think you just have to be patient and have a conversation with him communication will help a little get to know each other well enough.

[GraceAndJoy]

Timonx is right....with ANYBODY you have to have conversations and get to know the person. But I'm like you...it's not fun to be conversing with someone just to find out they are a catfish.

 

If a man your son's age is matching with you, that's a red flag that either he's cat fishing or looking just for sex. I assume you want something more...

 

In general I look at who matches with me and think, "Are we a good match on paper?" and if not (HEAVILY unequally matched in some area in my favor), I put up my guard a little more and wonder why he would want to date ME. I start to text them back and forth, but look for the telltale signs that they aren't who they say they are. Just ask a ton of questions, and if you can ask questions about things that are known well by locals, that is helpful!

 

Rayce, I'm in your age group, in a major city in Texas. I find that the catfishers are most abundant on Hinge and OK Cupid, less so on Match, non-existent on Bumble. I also found the quality of men to be highest on Bumble. Maybe this info can help you!

 

If you want to DM me your profile, I would be happy to look at it! I have dated 26 men (at least one date) over the last two years since my divorce. I'm currently in an awesome relationship but I met some great gentlemen along the way. It took some tweaking of my profile to get the matches and dates I wanted. I can see if you come across well to a stranger

[Rayce]

Thank you GraceAndJoy I'll do that after I get back from the gym. I just signed up for Bumble so maybe I will have better luck. My biggest problem is that I look at their pics and I am like ugh... ugh...

 

But yesterday I had a meeting with a headhunter and whoa!!!!! He is single and hot and we hit it off really well. I want to date him!

[GraceAndJoy]

Thank you GraceAndJoy I'll do that after I get back from the gym.

 

I realize I am not yet an Established Member (I'm new here) so you can't yet private message me. Sorry.

 

I just signed up for Bumble so maybe I will have better luck. My biggest problem is that I look at their pics and I am like ugh... ugh...

 

But yesterday I had a meeting with a headhunter and whoa!!!!! He is single and hot and we hit it off really well. I want to date him!

 

Okay, so a word about Bumble men's pictures being ugh ugh... If you are like me and you are newly out of a long-term marriage/relationship, you have to get used to the fact that men don't look like they used to look when we were dating before. I actually had that fact hit me kind of hard too. I mean, when you are young and you fall in love with a young, good looking guy and he ages with you, it's kind of unnoticeable, right? You see the young man inside of him so his looks seem classic and awesome to you!! But looking at a man who is 57 for the first time, you don't have that perspective.

 

My advice--go out with anyone who seems kind, trustworthy, etc. Most people don't photograph that well and once you meet someone, you may find their look more attractive than a flat, 2-dimensional picture.

 

Maybe the headhunter is an option . But my guess is he has a great salesman personality because that's how he is successful at what he does, but it may be part sales job. That's just my $0.02 as I dated someone like that last year, and he ended up not being the man I thought he was. I fell in love with an exterior that was not reflective of his interior.