How should I respond?

[clia]

He’s on Reddit, booked an expensive steak house on a Saturday night for your first date, hasn’t shown you his picture, and seems to want sex.

 

My reaction is blech and this guy might be an incel loser. Why won’t he send you a picture? I think that’s yet another bad sign. What are you going to do? I wouldn’t show up without seeing a picture and telling him point blank that sex will not be happening. What are you going to do?

[Rayce]

I haven't asked him for a picture so that is not big deal. I actually copy and pasted your suggestion. I'm waiting for his reply to see what he says. Right now I am planning on showing up for dinner. I've already checked out how to take public transportation to get to dinner. No harm in showing up like other dates before I will wait in the lobby for him. If dinner goes well I will let him walk me back to the bus stop.... so that's the plan right now.

[The Outlaw]

You should tell him to keep his hands to himself and cancel.

[clia]

I haven't asked him for a picture so that is not big deal. I actually copy and pasted your suggestion. I'm waiting for his reply to see what he says. Right now I am planning on showing up for dinner. I've already checked out how to take public transportation to get to dinner. No harm in showing up like other dates before I will wait in the lobby for him. If dinner goes well I will let him walk me back to the bus stop.... so that's the plan right now.

 

Good luck, be safe, and please report back and let us know how it goes! You are brave to meet him without seeing a photo. I used to do Yahoo Personals back in the day before anyone exchanged photos, and I really got to understand how broad a range 6 feet tall, brown hair, and brown eyes covers! It was kind of fun, though, in retrospect.

[Rayce]

Good morning! I have not received an answer yet. lol... I do my best to be safe. This will be a true blind date. lol... I really want it to be random and other OLD sites just weren't working for me. I've gotten a pretty good response off of reddit better than the other sites.

[Rayce]

This was his response "I was hoping we hit it off and see where the night takes us. You are a beautiful woman and intimacy would be in the cards for me if we enjoy each other's company."

 

I believe he will be gentlemen at least through dinner. I will respond with something along the lines that I like to go slow and confirm our dinner plans.

[Rayce]

bummer.... he wants to reschedule now. This is message I had this morning.

 

"unfortunately I'm going to need to reschedule..I just got told I need to go out of town tomorrow for work..I'll be back next Thursday..hoping you are okay with rescheduling..I am sorry"

[FMW]

At the risk of sounding like your grandma, if you still have nude photos on your redditt profile, it's likely any date you get through there is going to expect sex, with or without any intention to even see you again afterwards. Doesn't mater if they are high earning CEOs, their expectations are going to be that you are advertising your goods.

 

That in turn will make them less reliable in actually keeping any planned dates because they might think you are a go with the flow type of gal that will give them more chances.

 

Just my thoughts, obviously, but I think the quality of actual dates you get from that profile are going to be more questionable than normal.

[Rayce]

So it's been awhile since I have posted on this thread. This is the thread that I am using to keep track of my dating history this year. I've since deleted the Reddit profile and all my pictures. LS shamed me into it.... anyway... I did get a couple of dates from some nice guys but most of the guys messaging me were way too young for me. I would still be there if there were an older crowd. For the record my grandmother would of been ok with my profile on Reddit.

 

I haven't had a date since the start of July so I decided to give Match another try so I started a new "paid" subscription on Match. I am doing a full year as that is the best buck for my $$… I have a date tonight with a guy that seems pretty nice. He is my age and he is planning on taking me to dinner and then maybe a movie. I will post tomorrow on how the date went.

 

TIP: This is one of the messages that I got this morning... it is an example of WHAT NOT TO SEND:

 

Hello : I am xxxxx . really enjoyed your profile . l am a simple easy going man .l have been married 2x 2nd one l was used as a pawn just to find out after 9 yrs of being together she just wanted her citizenship and made sure she had a good job so that when she goes back to the Philippines she will be comfortable . 1 st marriage was highschool sweetheart married xx yrs after dateing all thru school . Had our son , he is now xx lives in xxx . l live in xxx . Been there since 2005 . Have 2 cats 2 dogs . Have a very good job .

 

peace...

[SumGuy]

...

TIP: This is one of the messages that I got this morning... it is an example of WHAT NOT TO SEND:

 

Hello : I am xxxxx . really enjoyed your profile . l am a simple easy going man .l have been married 2x 2nd one l was used as a pawn just to find out after 9 yrs of being together she just wanted her citizenship and made sure she had a good job so that when she goes back to the Philippines she will be comfortable . 1 st marriage was highschool sweetheart married xx yrs after dateing all thru school . Had our son , he is now xx lives in xxx . l live in xxx . Been there since 2005 . Have 2 cats 2 dogs . Have a very good job .

 

peace...

 

Wow! This didn't win you over? I used to think I must be all that on Match, now I'm thinking the bar is just really, really low.

 

Good luck on your date tonight.

[Rayce]

Wow! This didn't win you over? I used to think I must be all that on Match, now I'm thinking the bar is just really, really low.

 

Good luck on your date tonight.

 

Thank you... yeah it was the bitterness I felt in his words about his ex's. To me if you are bashing your ex...gosh... I am not into bashing my ex. lol.... After reading so many threads I'm wondering if I should offer to pay for myself and if I do... how do I do that? Do I reach for my purse? Or ask for a separate check?

[nospam99]

^^^ Gee, Rayce. Thanks for pointing that out - really. With my male lizard brain I didn't grok the bitterness at all. I took it as an explanation for why he wasn't married any more. Not that I send messages that talk about my past, but I wouldn't have cared about the negativity. FWIW the messages I send try to focus on what I think the lady and I have in common, especially things we might do while dating.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you... yeah it was the bitterness I felt in his words about his ex's. To me if you are bashing your ex...gosh... I am not into bashing my ex. lol.... After reading so many threads I'm wondering if I should offer to pay for myself and if I do... how do I do that? Do I reach for my purse? Or ask for a separate check?

 

Let him reach for the check and then just say, "Can I split it with you?" A gentleman will say no.

[Rayce]

Well that totally sucked! The date was for 5 pm which I confirmed with him this morning. So I left my house at 4 pm because of traffic it can take up to an hour to get there and I didn't want to be late. I arrived about 10 mins early so I pulled out my phone and text him that I was there. He had sent me a text at about 4:10 pm letting me know where to meet up with him. So I texted him that I was there waiting...he texts back and he is like... oh well you didn't text me back at 4:10 so I didn't think you were going to show up. I will be there in about 10 mins. Well about 30 mins later he shows up and he ask me what I want to do... I tell him I wanted to eat as I was hungry and I had been sitting out in the cold waiting for him for the last 40 mins. He got mad at this and told me I should of text him back at 4:10... he didn't know if was going to show up. I told him that I confirmed with him in the morning and at 4:10 I was actually driving. If I hadn't of texted him would he of just stood me up? He said well you never know if someone is going to show up or not... so at that point I just told him I was sorry but I didn't want to have dinner with him after all that it was not gong to work because he was already mad at me for showing up on time and blaming me for him not showing up! With that I turned around walked away and treated myself to dinner! Now I am going to drink some beer and soak in my hot tub!

[Ellener]

'f you are like me and you are newly out of a long-term marriage/relationship, you have to get used to the fact that men don't look like they used to look when we were dating before. I actually had that fact hit me kind of hard too. I mean, when you are young and you fall in love with a young, good looking guy and he ages with you, it's kind of unnoticeable, right? You see the young man inside of him so his looks seem classic and awesome to you!! But looking at a man who is 57 for the first time, you don't have that perspective.'

 

So glad you wrote that GraceandJoy. Spot on.

 

'My advice--go out with anyone who seems kind, trustworthy, etc. Most people don't photograph that well and once you meet someone, you may find their look more attractive than a flat, 2-dimensional picture.'

 

Going to take that advice!

Edited September 15, 2019 by Ellener

[nospam99]

@Rayce (I'm not going to quote your 'date report'). Surprisingly tacky. It's guys like that who make guys like me start in an 'expectation hole'. Sorry it happened to you. I'd like to say 'don't give up' but as worn out as I'm getting keeping a positive attitude is becoming tedious.

[Rayce]

It had nothing to do with the way the guy looked or his age. I was raised not to turn a guy down if he asked me for a dance or a date or coffee... because looks are deceiving and you can only find out about a person by interacting with them. The guy last night was just plain rude. He lived only 5 mins away from the place and was mad at me for not texting him before I left my house. The guy just assumed I had match on my phone which I don't. I have no social media on my phone. If I hadn't of checked my email and see he had sent me a message he would of just stood me up. We confirmed several hours before hand that should of been enough. I shouldn't of had to logged onto match to texted him that I was there waiting.

[Rayce]

I have moved on....

 

This afternoon I have a coffee date with a guy that is a bit older than me. He is local and we are meeting at a Starbucks by my house.

[SumGuy]

...He said well you never know if someone is going to show up or not...

Oh that's true, but he doesn't realize he is talking about himself.

 

so at that point I just told him I was sorry but I didn't want to have dinner with him after all that it was not gong to work because he was already mad at me for showing up on time and blaming me for him not showing up! With that I turned around walked away and treated myself to dinner! Now I am going to drink some beer and soak in my hot tub!

That's the right call, such total BS his thinking. A decent person shows up unless they hear otherwise, they don't leave it to the last minute (especially when someone can be driving) to decide if it is still on.

His thinking is projecting all the b*tt hurt he has suffered on to you instead of living his own truth and show up; take the high road, have some honor.

His own truth is he is wrapped up in his hurt and he wants to the world to soothe him, I'm sure he thinks he is all that (some great dependable guy) and it is just the world is so screwed up he can't trust anyone so he has decided to take the cowards way out and look for reassurance at every turn, instead of taking the "risk' he may have to have a great drink and dinner alone if you didn't show up.

A little ranty but my way of saying you are in the right on this and sorry he was such a jerk.

[SumGuy]

..The guy last night was just plain rude. He lived only 5 mins away from the place and was mad at me for not texting him before I left my house.

Wow! That make it even worse. No skin off his teeth at all to go to the place and "risk" you not showing. Sounds like a serious case of anal-cranial inversion.

 

The guy just assumed I had match on my phone which I don't. I have no social media on my phone. If I hadn't of checked my email and see he had sent me a message he would of just stood me up. We confirmed several hours before hand that should of been enough. I shouldn't of had to logged onto match to texted him that I was there waiting.

Several hours before is more than enough for working adults, or anyone. Life worked out fine before the cell phone, people made plans and met all the time without texting on the way.

I think it is always good to text/message when you are there. Then you can do the look around to find each other I always seem to be early so I'll message text mostly because need to grab us seats or a table.

[Ellener]

If someone's angry and argumentative the first time you meet- he's horrible.

 

Hope your today date was pleasant and a nice person.

[Rayce]

Thank you guys... I just got home from my coffee meetup. It did not go very well it only lasted 30 minutes before the guy bailed on me. We were suppose to meet at 3 but at 2 he texted me he could be there by 2:30 so I said ok...see you then. I show up and we chat a bit before he says he has to go meet up with his daughter at Costco. He wants to do lunch on Thursday but I am not sure I will go. I only agree because I felt put on the spot when he was trying to set something up as he was bailing on me. It just felt yucky... I thought the guy had set some time aside for me.. not a rush by. lol... oh well.

[Foxhall]

I have moved on....

 

This afternoon I have a coffee date with a guy that is a bit older than me. He is local and we are meeting at a Starbucks by my house.

 

 

at least you did not have to travel:cool:

[Rayce]

When I woke up this morning I was like... ugh.... I can't picture myself with that guy at all. No way! So I sent him a text via Match thanking him for coffee yesterday but I just wasn't feeling it and wanted to cancel lunch on Thursday. I wished well and success in his search.

 

I was feeling a bit rushed yesterday when he moved up the meetup from 3 to 2:30 at the last minute and then rushing off after 30 mins. I wasn't even finished with my coffee... so really I think I was feeling pressured into agreeing to lunch anyway. Bummer.

Edited September 16, 2019 by Rayce

[Rayce]

This evening I have a "happy hour" meetup from match with a guy a few years older than me. He contacted me first... with a big wall of text that I really didn't feel like reading. lol... I responded back that I wasn't into texting and would rather just meet up and see if we have anything in common. He like that... so we are meeting up at a nice place on the waterfront at one of my favorites places. It was his pick and it looks like it will be a nice day for a stroll.