A moment of weakness has caused me more heartbreak

[HumanMachine]

I was doing so well, we hadn't spoken in months and I was finally happy with life. I took a trip halfway round the world alone last week. Due to jet lag I was waking up at 3am in the morning, I'd then have intense desires to contact my ex due to feeling lonely. So I did.

 

I messaged her "i miss you so much"

 

She responded almost immediately "i miss you so much too"

 

We then agreed to meet on my return.

 

That was tonight.

 

My heart was broken again tonight, I feel worthless and stupid. For the 100th time I have let this woman make me feel the lowest of the low. Yet I can't let go of her.

 

I can't sleep, I am back to square one. How do I take control of this situation? I am addicted to this girl, she's like a drug. She made me feel the happiest I've felt in months and the kick in the gut feeling all within 5 minutes.

 

How do I get out of this cycle.. right now it seems there's only one way out

[nolanola]

I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, thank goodness. But I did have a problem getting away from a guy that I was in "love" with years ago. He was terrible for me, but I could not get away from him. We would stop talking for a while, but somewhere in the back of my mind I think I always thought things would work out and we would get back together. This was after he was dating other women and being not very subtle about it. I'd pretend to be ok with being "friends", then something would happen (like one time when I found out he took a trip to visit one of his girlfriends -- I can't tell you how I found this out, it's so incredibly embarrassing how low I sunk) and I would lose it. I'd call him, cry, call him names, all kinds of crazy stuff. We'd stop talking and it would repeat.

 

Then one day he did something that made me feel so low and worthless I knew I had to do something. I vowed I would not contact him again. At first, I kept waiting for him to contact me, because he always had in the past after we had fought. But then months went by and before I knew it a year had passed. I would still get the urge to contact him, but I reminded myself that I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still cared about him. Then, before I knew it, another year had passed. Now, it's been over 8 years and I don't want to talk to him anymore. I never get the urge to talk to him and I'm really grateful he's no longer in my life.

 

I think it's like quitting alcohol or drugs. You have to get to a point where you hit "bottom", whatever that is for you. Even then, some people still have slips. That's ok. You're a human being with feelings. You love this person and you miss her. This is not a crime. There is no reason to flagellate yourself for this.

 

I wonder if the thing that's harder for you to let go of than her is the hope that it will work out in the future? That's always my problem and it's why I stayed tied to my ex. I hoped for so long he would change and actually treat me well.

[Cersei]

So sorry to hear you are hurting.

 

What happened at your Meet up?

[Normm]

At least she's still responsive to your contact attempts and is missing you as well. I don't know the backstory but it appears she dumped you and not because she doesn't care.

[HumanMachine]

<snip>

 

I wonder if the thing that's harder for you to let go of than her is the hope that it will work out in the future? That's always my problem and it's why I stayed tied to my ex. I hoped for so long he would change and actually treat me well.

 

That's exactly like my situation. The problem is she's made me hit rock bottom so many times but I can't ever get over her. She has a charm about her that has got me hooked. Many a times she has made me wish I was dead. How can I keep going back to someone who makes me feel like this?

 

So sorry to hear you are hurting.

 

What happened at your Meet up?

 

She wanted to get back together but said she couldnt we she works in a prominently male environment and since we split has made a load of male friends. All night she said they were just friends and found none of them attractive. I badgered her slightly and the truth come out, she admit to sleeping with one, but knowing her it has probably been way more. So all night she made me feel crazy about her not being able to have 'just friends' when I knew something was up all along.

 

She's 20 and has slept with over 40 people. I was with her for 2 years. Yep.

 

At least she's still responsive to your contact attempts and is missing you as well. I don't know the backstory but it appears she dumped you and not because she doesn't care.

 

She likes having options, her feelings aren't real she just makes them appear to be genuine. I have gone through this same pain with her at least 20 times. She's a drug.

Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[nolanola]

She's a drug.

 

This is a very true statement. Drugs are extremely hard to quit. Why? Because they make people feel good when they're on them. Then they feel like s**t afterwards. But the memory of that good feeling keep driving them back.

 

You have good memories of your ex and the times that you've shared. You said she's charming and charismatic. I'm sure when you're around her you feel amazing. It hurts to think of her using that charm on other people. It's like a withdrawal when you're not around her. You want those good feelings back.

 

I think you only really can start to get over someone when you decide that being in their life is harder and more difficult/painful for you than being out of it. Because it sounds like neither is ideal. If you keep her in your life, you are going to be confronted with the truth that she wants to date other people. If you go fully NC, she's out of your life for the foreseeable future. Both options suck. When you decide that the pain of her in your life is greater than the other option, you'll have to do the very tough task of getting over her. Or at least getting to the point that you can care about her from far away.

 

I would guess very few people said "I should stop using heroin" and had no difficulty with it, no cravings, no withdrawal, and didn't think about it. It's the same with these types of break ups. I'm sorry you're hurting. So many of us understand. No one knows what the future will bring and life is long. You might be in each other's lives again someday in the future, but you can't exist on what might be.

[Fekenaws]

It's hard to accept but it is entirely possible for an ex dumper to "miss" and even "care" about the person they dumped, but the romantic feelings for them are gone. It's more like the caring you'd have for an old friend or acquaintance, you have a spot in their life because of your history but their new love interest gets the spotlight.

 

Personally, I don't do friendship with exes. No matter how nice they were during the breakup or what not, I don't play second fiddle for anyone. I'm never rude, I never block them or anything like that, and I'm always open to attempting to reconcile, but friendship with an ex is a waste of time and emotional energy. The reason I bring this up? If you give it a few years and start dating someone else it sounds like you could probably be friends with this girl if you wanted, but at that point, she will be completely different than you remember and you probably won't care if she's in your life or not.

[HumanMachine]

I don't know why this has hit me harder than it ever has. I feel the lowest I think I've ever felt.

[HumanMachine]

I'm off to see a psychologist. Can't take this anymore.

[SevenCity]

That’s a good plan and exactly what I did. I found it helpful to be able to talk to someone who had to listen. I didn’t find all her advice great, but it got me through a rough time.

 

Although it doesn’t seem like it, the intense pain will cease eventually.

 

You’ll start to get back to the man you were before you met her and get your confidence back.

 

It will take way longer than you think, but just keep yourself pointed in the right direction and you’ll get there.

 

In the meantime, let the feelings pass through you. They will lessen in time.

[Beachead]

It happens man. Don't feel bad. I do sympathize. My ex broke up with me but would reach out every few months. Everytime she did, we'd fight and then we'd stop talking for a few months. I'd start to move forward only to receive another message from her again. Again, I'd respond and again we'd talk. 2 days later, we'd fight. Back to silence. On and on it went for 2 years afterwards. It wore me out completely. I responded only because I couldn't accept the truth and had hope so I took on the punishment for a long time until I couldn't take it anymore and holding became far more painful than letting go.

 

Sometimes that's what it takes. Sometimes we've just got to keep on wounding ourselves like this until holding on doesn't make sense anymore. I don't think you've gotten to that point yet which is why loneliness made you reach out to her. Sure, you may understand why you have to let go but you may not feel why. You'll have to feel it in the the destruction she's causing in your life and/or the amount of time that's passed by in misery because of her. Sometimes it takes that much.

 

This is just a set back. That's all. You'll be okay.

 

- Beach

Edited February 4, 2019 by Beachead