TheRainbow Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) A mutual friend of both my former affair partner sent me some screenshots of him venting to her. (I don't talk about the situation with her in case she is screenshotting our conversations) He told her that he wished that he could take back the years he spent sleeping around with me. He said that he had loved me, and after finding out my daughter was biologically his, he thought I'd leave my husband to be with him. And that he was hurt that I didn't stick by him when we both got fired. He went on to have a pity party about how he thought I was his escape from his ****ty marriage, how he now has to pay the price and how he's losing everything during his impending divorce. I'm sitting here feeling angry. I never once told him I loved him, or that I was going to be with him. I only had him take a DNA test because I didn't want to tell my husband unless he wasn't the father. This was the same man that didn't even tell me he was married. I found that out from my husband who went sleuthing on the guy. One of the last messages in the screenshot was him telling her, that he wanted to see neither me or the baby ever again, and that my husband (insert some insults) can raise the bastard child. I am so mad. And my husband had to read this ****, as I am 100% transparent with him. Were working on our marriage and I hope to god he stays away. Edited January 28, 2019 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 First off, you need to ditch this mutual friend. Why is she sending you screen shots of exMM's texts? Seems like she is way too invested/focused on this and it's good for you. The A is over, you've moved on and you don't need to know anything about him or his life, past thoughts and hurts. Tell her to stop talking to you about him and that you're done. If she can't respect then you have to rethink if she's worthy of your friendship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) My husband wants her to keep telling me things. I would love to never hear anything else about him. I really would. But as soon as there is no loose ends, then we'll never have to worry about him again. Edited January 28, 2019 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Yup, ditch your trouble making friend. As for how your ex AP feels, there are always two sides to every story with the truth being somewhere in between. He is entitled to his views on how it went down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 My husband wants her to keep telling me things. I would love to never hear anything else about him. I really would. But as soon as there is no loose ends, then we'll never have to worry about him again. Why on earth would your husband want to know what this mutual friend says about him? Not sure what you mean by loose ends, but whatever it is I hope it goes away soon so you and your H can move on and not have any thoughts of exMM. He's a dead weight still interfering in your lives! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fekenaws Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Sounds like a toxic situation from every angle as far as I'm concerned. Regardless, this guy's feelings are not your problem. He's a grown adult and he has to learn how to take care of himself, cut all ties to him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
TooBad Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 My husband wants her to keep telling me things. This would qualify as emotional abuse for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 Your husband is looking to burn this guy in a perental rights case. Those are some pretty harsh things for a judge to hear. And what child would ever want to know their biological said such garbage. Thats why your H has not shut this down. I would get screen shots of that conversation and anything else he might say. Give it to your husband to give to his attorney. Dont be angry, be smart. You have few battles to fight in the near future. Your AP is going to fall hard. Excellent time for a counter attack. Give your husband the one thing he wants most, permanent parental rights to your daughter. If you want to see joy on his face, help get the waiver. We dont know if you truly love your husband as a man, but we are certain he truly loves you. Get this drama over as soon as possible and give your family the break it desperately needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 . I'm sitting here feeling angry. I never once told him I loved him, or that I was going to be with him. I only had him take a DNA test because I didn't want to tell my husband unless he wasn't the father. This was the same man that didn't even tell me he was married. I found that out from my husband who went sleuthing on the guy. This paragraph strikes me as very odd, its really a complete contradiction. Why would it be important he tell you he was married if A) the rest of this paragraph were true and B) you yourself are married? I don't know, I think he may have some valid points on the leading him on part. Because this paragraph is misleading, sounds like you are not being honest with yourself about your actions in the affair as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 This paragraph strikes me as very odd, its really a complete contradiction. Why would it be important he tell you he was married if A) the rest of this paragraph were true and B) you yourself are married? I don't know, I think he may have some valid points on the leading him on part. Because this paragraph is misleading, sounds like you are not being honest with yourself about your actions in the affair as well. ^^^This. Apparently I’m not the only person who found her stories full of holes. I suspect she hasn’t been honest even with herself. If a woman was willing to have unprotected sex with me repeatedly for as long as a few years, I would conclude that she was willing to or even wanted to carry my child. If my memory serves me well, the OP confessed at one point she was hoping this OM was going to be with her once they found out the baby was indeed his. So I guess the wife matters, as she was the obstacle. There is also a chance that this seemingly evil OM did all those outrageous things to others because, like the OP, he had a very low self esteem growing up and thought he only deserved to do those bad things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) This paragraph strikes me as very odd, its really a complete contradiction. Why would it be important he tell you he was married if A) the rest of this paragraph were true and B) you yourself are married? After reading this and spending a day thinking about it, the only response I can come up with, that I'm angry he is putting this all on me. That he blames me for his life for going to ****, when it's really his own damn fault that his life went to ****. I can't control how he feels, or what he thought, or what took my actions as. Just as I can't blame him for my choices. I may have had some internal issues, some feelings of feeling pressured or the many other reasons, but I still had choices to make it stop. But I didn't. My husband will blame the other man, and I can't change that or will I want too. I can just do what I need to make the situation better, because I really can't make it any worse. All I can do is redirect that anger, to changing what I can to make the situation for myself and my family for the best. Atleast he doesn't need to worry about any more babies not being his being born. Edited January 30, 2019 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 My husband wants her to keep telling me things. I would love to never hear anything else about him. I really would. But as soon as there is no loose ends, then we'll never have to worry about him again. Tell your husband NO! That is completely unfair to you and keeps the OM in your thoughts. I've never heard of a betrayed spouse being so stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) This would qualify as emotional abuse for me. I agree. I don't think her husband loves her as much as she thinks. At any rate you can still not communicate with the friend without your husband knowing and if you must you can still tell her to not ever bring up the OM to you again. That is on you, not your husband. Edited January 30, 2019 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Tell your husband NO! That is completely unfair to you and keeps the OM in your thoughts. I've never heard of a betrayed spouse being so stupid. He doesn’t sound stupid to me. There’s a term describing the fetish for being abused, or he may have martyr syndrome. Or Stockholm syndrome. If he sees things as they actually are, it would be too much to take. I just don’t see how their marriage can survive once all the drama is kept under control. Edited January 30, 2019 by JuneL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 I agree. I don't think her husband loves her as much as she thinks. At any rate you can still not communicate with the friend without your husband knowing and if you must you can still tell her to not ever bring up the OM to you again. That is on you, not your husband. I mean I am all for losing the friendship. For the most part, my husband and I are getting along all right despite all the drama. We even had a few years early in our marriage where there was no infidelity and no drama. But it's hard to say what the future will hold. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 Tell your husband NO! That is completely unfair to you and keeps the OM in your thoughts. I've never heard of a betrayed spouse being so stupid. I've been unfair to him for 14 years, so if I need to feel uncomfortable until all this is over with, then I guess I'll have to deal with. His reasons aren't stupid. He has his reasons and not everything I have revealed here. Some new things came up, and I have been on the down low with everything that has been going on lately. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 If he sees things as they actually are, it would be too much to take. I just don’t see how their marriage can survive once all the drama is kept under control. These were my thoughts, too, when I read the original post. I wonder if when TheRainbow's betrayed husband stops focusing on this other man he won't then focus the full brunt of his anger to her... to me, that is a scary thought. But you're right, OP, we cannot know the future. You'll have to take each day as it comes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 I wonder if when TheRainbow's betrayed husband stops focusing on this other man he won't then focus the full brunt of his anger to her... to me, that is a scary thought. He isn't violent. Not to mean he doesn't get angry, but he is a very mellow and takes his anger out in other ways, but am I afraid he'll snap and hurt me or really anyone. No! Even when he confronted the other man, he still showed more constraint then some people had for a lot less. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 No offense, but I didn't mean that your husband might turn violent. Right now, your husband is very much focused on how the MOM slighted him by preying upon his innocent wife... He may not be looking at you like you're the villain... or an enemy... or watching you out of the corner of his eye like he can't trust you or that he doesn't believe a word that you say... or actually telling you that he can't trust you and wants a divorce immediately... like he can't stand the sight of you... Your situation seems to be shaky at best and could change for the worst (for you) at any moment, just based on what you've written here. Those ways in which you have insinuated that he takes out his anger... you may find yourself on the wrong end of those. They may not be violent actions, but they may suck despite that. I really do feel for you and wish you the best, but I also think you should be prepared for the worst in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) I have discussed with Rainbow my fear that in time her husband will actually process it and realize that these other men have never been the problem. It may be then that his desire to remain in this marriage will be impacted.. With that said, I believe you are doing about as good as you can under the circumstances. BTW, I wasn't suggesting that you carry the blame for MM getting involved in the affair. What I'm saying is it does appear that you mislead your intent. You did the same with your husband when you wanted to separate Edited February 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted January 30, 2019 Author Share Posted January 30, 2019 I have asked him, once he has nothing to worry about regarding DD2, if that is what he is sticking around for, then he can be assured that if he wants out, we can separate/divorce amicably. Because I do want him to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I may be wrong but seems to me a lot of the reconciliation is based upon a hatred for the common enemy ie the OM. Both Rainbow and her husband can take some sort of comfort when the OM is being metaphorically beaten up, but it got a lot more uncomfortable when the OM put his sad side of the story into the arena for consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 op, It sounds like you have come a long way. I don't understand why the om is kvetching now. It reminds me of a saying I heard once. Don't eat the whole steak and then complain that you didn't like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I have also followed and read both Rainbow’s and her husband thread and I concur with DKT. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Working on your marriage? good. Just have to keep the lines of communication open and muddle your way through it. Link to post Share on other sites
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