edgygirl Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 I think people are over reacting a little. I’ve had this kind of discussion with someone I dated at 5 months. I wasn’t trying to mooch off him, and the discussion was mutual, as in - we both liked each other and were both concerned about my age. I only discussed it with him because I loved him and saw a real chance that we could end up together. I don’t see why everyone is demonizing this woman without knowing her and who she is as a person. The man and I ended up breaking up, I was so traumatized by the experience that the next week I went on by myself and started the process to freeze my eggs. For women who really dream about having a family one day, and start having issues either due to infertility or age, the whole thing is quite emotional. Only OP knows her and can evaluate what type of person she is. Re: the paying for dates, maybe she prefers a more traditional setting. There’s a whole pinned post about it. I don’t find it necessarily defines someone as a moocher.
Author thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 You’re right. It’s beyond the point of being chivalrous in the beginning of a relationship. She’s just expecting me to pay for everything. I think I just w f it to work so badly that I’m ignoring the blatant red flags 3
SevenCity Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 You’re right. It’s beyond the point of being chivalrous in the beginning of a relationship. She’s just expecting me to pay for everything. I think I just w f it to work so badly that I’m ignoring the blatant red flags This and this alone should be sufficent to reason to leave her. She is a common breed of woman who feel entitled that the man should pay for everything. Once I start to feel like I’m paying for sex, I lose interest. She is not only entitled but irresponsible. How does she plan to pay for this kid if she is in debt??? That’s like me saying I’m buying a Porsche yet I have no money and owe money on top of that. Make a decision for your well being. This could F you for 18 years. 1 1
Versacehottie Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 Whoooaaaa! Sorry i didn't read all the responses so apologies if this has already been said: to me, this is a bigger "thing" than just the money (which is a big ask as it is). At 4 months in, she sounds like she is lining you up to extremely hopeful promises and big obligations. Cloaked or uncloaked that is really the bigger picture here. IMO, it's soooooo early to decide or feel pressure about this that it will probably doom your relationship. I think offering to help as you can is the right thing to do, like maybe help her with applying for a loan (like the process of doing the paperwork not being financially responsible for it). If she is feeling pressured to move this fast for her reasons, she should be careful about involving you beyond that (for your relationship's sake & it's just not realistic or smart at this stage for either of you). Also did i read that right that she is planned to implant one of the embryos right away? Idk, just me but that sounds like a huge commitment that she is asking of you. Not up on the fertility technicalities or her personal struggle but i think she could harvest her eggs now and then freeze for later use (with you much later and in the right time for both of you). I think she's exaggerating a bit due to the both of you moving fast emotionally. Don't be foolish though--it seems like a long shot for the health of the relationship and then there will likely be a child involved plus a lot of your money. If she insists, i guess it will be the lesson you need to learn about how life would be with her when big, real life things come up. Good luck
JuneL Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 But you didn’t ask him to pay for the whole cost of IVF, did you? I think people are over reacting a little. I’ve had this kind of discussion with someone I dated at 5 months. I wasn’t trying to mooch off him, and the discussion was mutual, as in - we both liked each other and were both concerned about my age. I only discussed it with him because I loved him and saw a real chance that we could end up together. I don’t see why everyone is demonizing this woman without knowing her and who she is as a person. The man and I ended up breaking up, I was so traumatized by the experience that the next week I went on by myself and started the process to freeze my eggs. For women who really dream about having a family one day, and start having issues either due to infertility or age, the whole thing is quite emotional. Only OP knows her and can evaluate what type of person she is. Re: the paying for dates, maybe she prefers a more traditional setting. There’s a whole pinned post about it. I don’t find it necessarily defines someone as a moocher. 1
edgygirl Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 While he was wealthy (as in top 2%) and made double what I did at the time, I did not ask him to pay. I think it was implied we would share the cost. Honestly when you talk about these things, the cost is the least important part. It’s such a huge thing to talk about that the money is not even what feels intense about it. I don’t know what’s OP situation and the woman he’s dating, maybe he makes more than she does and she assumed he could afford it more easily than her. I still think people are exaggerating the whole thing. But you didn’t ask him to pay for the whole cost of IVF, did you?
preraph Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 No. You've only been dating four months. You don't even know her. People can conceal things longer than that. If she wanted IVF, she should have taken a second job and financed it herself. She doesn't know how fertile she is anyway. I hope you're not already having unprotected sex. She's already asking you for money and you don't want to have a child with her unless you have known each other a couple of years, I'm sorry. You will be on the hook for the next 18 years. Do you really want a child with her bad enough to shell out $20K? This is a red flag that things are moving way too quickly here. And I think you just found out now, at the four-month mark, when she didn't get her way, what she's actually like. 2
Whodatdog Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 It sure sounds like she's far more interested in having a baby than having a relationship with you. It just sounds like you're filling a gap for her to get what she wants. When people show you who they are, believe them. 1
Author thr1986 Posted January 30, 2019 Author Posted January 30, 2019 Ok, UPDATE: a lot has happened in the past 2 days. I had a serious discussion with her regarding the two topics bothering me (1) my having to pay for everything we do, all meals, etc (2) her asking me to be part of her ivf treatment physically and financially so early in our relationship. I told her I felt a little used because of our habits paying for things. Basically, I politely told her I felt used (a little) because she never offers to pay for anything, at all. I explained that I get the courtship phase where I’m expected to pay for everything but that I felt at 4.5 months into our relationship I feel she could contribute something, anything, not even for the money but just so I don’t feel like I’m supporting everything financially. Her reaction was one of seeming like she was scared of losing me and said she as INCREDIBLY sorry. She said she didn’t realize I felt this way and that she was very very sorry and she said she hated that she made me feel this way. I sort of said something to the effect that I’m surprised she was surprised that I felt this way as I referenced all the things I’ve purchased and I expressed that it seems like at some point in there she would feel like she should pay for something. But, she stuck with saying she’s sorry, she’s surprised, she’s upset she made me feel this way, she said she’s mad at herself and that she wants to correct it. Regarding the IVF. I told her I felt it put a lot of pressure on our relationship to ask that of me at this Juncture to be involved physically and financially. I told her that is defijitely something I want eventually with her but I’m not ready now. She again apologized. She said she was embarrassed for asking and that the only reason she asked was because she feels pressure to make sure I can be part this with her in case one day in the future I decide I want a child with her and at that point she can’t give me one. She said she didn’t want me to resent her for that one day in the future. She seems genuine. But, am I letting my emotions mask legimagte flags? It all seems harmless now that I’ve spoken to her about it. But, am I being nieve? I’m confused. Please help!?!
GorillaTheater Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 She seems genuine. But, am I letting my emotions mask legimagte flags? It all seems harmless now that I’ve spoken to her about it. But, am I being nieve? I’m confused. Please help!?! She said the right things, now see if her actions match those words. Let it go for the time being, but eyes and ears open. 4
Hollywood-Tourist Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 She said the right things, now see if her actions match those words. Let it go for the time being, but eyes and ears open. Exactly, actions speak louder than words.
edgygirl Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 She seems genuine as my intuition told me. I don’t feel she has bad intentions or is using you. I’ve been in her place and I would only discuss these things with someone I felt I genuinely loved and could see a future with - to make sure they could be in the same page. You did the right thing by being open - sometimes we’re so involved and stressed about fertility issues we might get a little lost. I’m sure she appreciated your honesty. I wish you both good luck Side note: to whomever said she can’t possibly know if she’s becoming infertile: yes she can. There are labs you can do, they did it for me before I froze my eggs to see if I was viable. 1
olivetree Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) [quote=thr1986;7725288Regarding the IVF. I told her I felt it put a lot of pressure on our relationship to ask that of me at this Juncture to be involved physically and financially. I told her that is defijitely something I want eventually with her but I’m not ready now. She again apologized. She said she was embarrassed for asking and that the only reason she asked was because she feels pressure to make sure I can be part this with her in case one day in the future I decide I want a child with her and at that point she can’t give me one. She said she didn’t want me to resent her for that one day in the future. She seems genuine. But, am I letting my emotions mask legimagte flags? It all seems harmless now that I’ve spoken to her about it. But, am I being nieve? I’m confused. Please help!?! I think this is about the best response you can get and makes perfect sense to me. Now relax and see how things go. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
preraph Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 She said the right things, now see if her actions match those words. Let it go for the time being, but eyes and ears open. Exactly. Of course, she had an answer prepared. And it was one to elicit sympathy and act like she's only thinking of you, which is kaka. Just hold the line and see what happens. You need to be using birth control yourself and not entrusting her with that. 2
bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 I personally don’t think she’s lying. I once dated a guy who refused to ever let a woman pay if they were in his presence. I once made a bet with him and said that if I lost, I’d pay for dinner. I lost and was totally prepared to buy dinner but he wouldn’t let me. He said he got enough of a kick out of me losing. LOL. Occasionally, I would offer to pay for something but he never accepted. It’s possible that your gf is either used to men paying for everything, or you’ve given her the impression that you’re not only ok with it, but that you don’t expect her to pay. Something to think about. I also think that because the relationship has moved so quickly, she felt comfortable asking you about the baby thing. I’m glad you talked to her about it. Try to get back to having fun with her and see how things go.
salparadise Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 I agree that she said the right things, and I hope it works out for you. But you need to be careful and assess things objectively, not through rose colored glasses. Remember where she was 4-5 months back... wanting a baby and going into deep debt for IVF... the original problem hasn't gone away, just had the pressure released momentarily. So, along comes a nice looking guy who has deep pockets, marriage minded, and is willing to pay for literally everything, perhaps even including future fertility expenses. Perhaps even the debt for past ones too. You see where this is going, right? You don't know what the balance is between how much she loves you for you, and how much you're looking like a solution to her problems. The fact that she was letting you pay for literally everything can't be ignored because she apologized. It still happened. And you're still looking good for the IVF bills, past and present. You have to assess things objectively on one hand, and continue loving this woman on the other. Like i said, I wish you the best. And I don't want to see you get trapped if she's not genuinely into YOU as a person. 1
Whodatdog Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 Talk's cheap. Lets see how she acts from here on in. 2
Hollywood-Tourist Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 Talk's cheap. Lets see how she acts from here on in. Spot on. Actions will always speak louder than words.
Author thr1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Posted February 17, 2019 Ok. Update. We spoke again. I expressed how I felt regarding me being expected to pay for everything. I explained that I understand in the beginning paying for everything but then at some point I started to feel a little used. She has now started to pay for some things. Regarding the IVF... yes, before meeting me (in October) she was planning on transferring one of her embryos this coming fall. I believe she is still planning on doing that this fall. She keeps bringing up marriage. She said she wants to marry me and wants to do it this year. I understand that we love each other and talk about spending our lives together. But, it seems a little early to be making actual plans to get married. I’m feeling a little bit like she wants me to marry her so she has someone for her potential baby she may conceive this fall. But, am I just being paranoid? I don’t know what to think exactly. The feelings seem real. But I just wonder why she’s rushing it. I love her but it feels weird to be saying I want to marry you this year. I mean my friends haven’t even met her yet. We’re not even friends on Facebook. Do you guys think I’m being paranoid?
FMW Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 No, you're not paranoid. You want to take things at a normal pace. She has an agenda. If you aren't happy about going along with it, don't. Your life, your choice. 2
Juha Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 I have no idea why you are still with this woman. I think she is nothing but trouble for you You have too many red flags already with her but keep giving her chances. You also have too may questions about her and this relationship I suggest you move on and find someone who is better for you and to you I wish you the best 1
amaysngrace Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 She’s transferring her crap on you. I understand why she may feel pressured because her clock is ticking but it doesn’t mean she should disrespect you in the process. Does she want you or does she want a sperm donor? 1
Author thr1986 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Posted February 17, 2019 Well, she has a sperm doner. She has purchased sperm that she is using. I’m just a guy that’s with her. She’s asked me (as mentioned before) to maybe use my sperm (while also asking me to help financially if I’m going to be part of it) but I told her that was putting too much pressure on the relationship. So, that idea is now gone.
smackie9 Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 If you are not onboard or real excited about marrying her soon, you are not with the right person...the situation she wants to put you in is selfish, and sketchy. She is one desperate chick. Your gut is screaming to run for the hills! Take a step back, and see it without the emotions. If you had a friend that was going through this, what would be your advice to them?
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2019 Posted February 17, 2019 She keeps bringing up marriage. She said she wants to marry me and wants to do it this year. That is because no reputable IVF clinic will do this for a couple not married and who just met and started dating. They can and will setup donors for her but this idea that any woman can just bring a guy in off the street and ask an IFV clinic to harvest her eggs and use his sperm then freeze it is just not something they will want to dabble in. It sounds like she is using you.. why do you not see that ? 1
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